AIBU re: visitors

[TopsyRose]

Hi,

I know everyone says it, but I am prepared to be told IABU and that I'm being a miserable bitch...

My husband and I have recently relocated 120 miles from where we were living with our 3mo DS. We moved back to where I am from as I suffered with post natal depression (I needed my Family and Friends around me I think - I was very lonely) and also to further our careers.

My PIL want to come and see the baby, I would never ever stop them doing this, but they are insisting on coming at the most inconvenient time. They asked me when was best, I said "any time, any week, apart from Fridays and Saturdays" as my husband does a 15 hour shift on both of these days. They then went on to book a Friday and Saturday at a hotel.

They are saying the hotel is cheaper on these days, but I have looked online and this is not the case. They are not limited to come on just these days as they are both retired.

My husband asked them why they had done this as it is not any cheaper, she said that she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems. She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband.

Maybe IABU but I feel that she has booked it for this time so they see me alone with the baby. When this happens my MIL makes spiteful comments to me, which then causes problems with my husband and I. I feel it is too much for me to deal with.

Sorry this is so long, but if you are still reading AIBU to say "'no, I cannot see you on those dates" and insist if they come, they come on a day my husband is doing a shorter shift, or is off, so he can be with me for moral support?

Thanks

Topsy xx

Ooh, she's good your MIL.

She's following a script - I'd fully expect fake illness if you stand up to her complete with sobbing, amateur dramatics and gnashing of teeth. There will also be winged monkeys, that is, relatives who she can rely on to toe the line and try to get you to do so too.

She's drawn the battle lines, and you need to play the game otherwise you will have this for years. Sorry if I sound dramatic, but I've been here and I wasn't tough enough at first.

You and DH need to ring her - together - and calmly and firmly explain that she is not, under no circumstances, to turn up after you have politely asked her not to. It will be hard, and probably ugly, but you can do this.

Also when agreeing to family get togethers, pre arrival, agree with DH how long they can stay. Make plans to be somewhere at a set time, ie "we are going out now because....".

I have lost count of the number of times relatives would turn up unannounced, empty handed, expect food, drink, alcohol, emptying my fridge and wine rack, and not to lift a finger whilst telling me how tired I looked. Specifically BiL 5 days after emergency C section wanting a full english to get over his hangover springs to mind, it makes my blood boil just thinking about it. I was stupid to put up with it.

Do not, under any circumstances, let this happen to you.

Once again this is a husband problem as much as a MIL one. He needs to stand up and say no despite guit tripping. It sounds however unlikely that he'll do this so you need to make yourself unavailable for the 15 hours he's working on Fri and Sat. Is there somewhere you can go and stay for the day or as much of it as possible?

Fair enough if they were coming to see a few different people but popping in with you for a short while each day or something. If your DS was a bit older maybe they could have taken him out for a walk and spent some time with him.

If they can change the days (how soon are they coming?) to the Saturday/Sunday maybe that would be better - Sunday your DH could handle your MIL? If not...it might be best to just let them come, grin and bear it. You don't want to give your MIL more ammunition to say anything negative about you.

Saving grace is that they're not actually staying with you!

Make sure your own family or friends are available during those couple of days. Can your mum pop round while they're there?

Your DH really needs to get back to her and tell her that if she comes on those dates she simply will not see you, full stop. And he needs to stick to that no matter how much she cries or claims to be stressed. If she tries to blame you, he needs to point out very clearly that you have given her 5 other days in the relevant week when she could have booked and therefore if she doesn't see you or her grandchild it is 100% her fault.

It could also be worth phoning the hotel to check whether what she says about exchanges and refunds is true. Even if it is I suspect that they would probably happily change the booking as a matter of goodwill.

Great suggestion from twodrifters

There is also a time and place for a straight out 'mil/mum, we told you the days and times we could do, you knew we couldn't do those days, so why are you insisting on causing all this fuss? What's the plan here?'

If she is used to crying hysterically and going on Anti ds and counsellors to terrorise the family into line whenever she's thwarted, it's probably time for The Toxic Inlaws / Toxic parents bookks, (Susan Forwards are good) which will give you an outline of this script and support in understanding it. But unfortunately as pps have said, give in to it and you just reinforce her that if she gets hysterical enough and gets the rest of the family to guilt you about it, you'll buckle. All she has to do is go on escalating until the pressure gets too much for you.

You may want to move this thread to Relationships, you'll get a lot of support there from people only too familiar with family members who play like this.

I'm still slightly about a guest forcibly inviting herself (fil seems to be staying out of this?) very much against the hosts' will instead of being invited!

Oh I doubt she's phoned the hotel. Perhaps you could just check with them

Murloc, it is a script, without a doubt. The Mad Hag Mother in Law Handbook, mine got to Volume VI. Every single trick in the book.

If, or when when my time comes, if I am lucky enough, I will not be purchasing that book but a different tome called How to Support and Love and occassionally overindulge New Young Family

Disclaimer: I am aware other people have charming and delightful MiL, I have had the pleasure of meeting many, just not mine

"She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband."

So he said yes??

Why do they get to decide when visitors are convenient for you?

Call the hotel, tell them the whole sorry story about your poor silly mil, who got confused bless her, can they call her now and reassure her the dates can be changed. Then to call you back so you can be certain

You must do this, it's the best non-agressive, aggressive tactic.

Go and stay with your family on the Friday and Saturday - presumably not too difficult if they live locally. Don't tell her where you're going and make DH promise not to tell her either. When she turns up hoping you'll squeeze her in then she'll be out of luck and hopefully she'll never book to come when you say it's inconvenient again.

Also ONCE A MONTH? No way to that either. My MIL visited a couple of weeks ago. I am 33 weeks pregnant and she's now making noises about visiting the week after I give birth. I've told DH to tell her no. He can take our older child go and see her if he wants to but I can't deal with entertaining her and dealing with a newborn at the same time so she's welcome to visit at Christmas and not before.

Just make other arrangements. I'd be going to stay at a friend's or with family, or just go on a trip somewhere, with DS for the entire duration of Fri and Sat.

"I told you we weren't free, I was at X. Fridays and Saturdays really don't work for us."

Then next time:

"Well, Fridays and Saturdays aren't free, as you know."

Text her.

Hi. Dh has just updated me. Such a shame, as mentioned several times already I am not around for those two days. I will not be able to squeeze you in, hence I said not those days.

And tell the wet Dh either he makes it 1000% clear that you will not be seeing them or he will be taking the days off somehow to entertain them. But you still won't be there.

You don't need to be aggressive to say " That's not convenient and doesn't fit our plans, as indicated by the dates we had already given you".

I bet she hasn't phoned the hotel, I bet the hotel will agree to change the date, especialy if week and weekend rate is the same (the justification your mil used for booking the weekend). As long as the room is rebooked the hotel should be understanding.

If the hotel can't help, your response to mil is "Moving on, this is not for further discussion the lesson we learned is that we she is as much to blame for being unreasonable , all ie DH takes some of the responsibility need to be clearer in communicating. In future, please do not book without agreeing a suitable date as you would both hate her to waste another journey you will not change your mind , but both look forward to spending time with them andyou DC in future.

End of. Not passive aggressive, just a clear boundary, best via email or text so no room for misunderstanding.

I'd just say nothing now, and book to be away. Let her spend the weekend knocking on the door and let your husband sort it out.

I'd just text or get DH to tell her that you are simply not there those days. Perhaps a nice aunty x hasn't had a overnight visit for a long time?

Yes definitely call the hotel and find out if she's making shit up.

Wow. Just wow.

I didn't think anyone could top my mils tactics but this.. Mine did the anti depressants and stress councillor too!!

Ok. You need to realise op that whatever you do, you will always 'look mean' to this woman, you can do no right, you have tried. Now its time to drop trying to keep the peace, and save tour own sanity.

I know from personal experience that the only person who will truely suffer from you not protecting your boundaries is you.

Your dh is not as supportive as he should be about this, letting bil sleep on your sofa for instance is not ok.

Do you have somewhere to go on Fri/ sat? You just need to get away as quickly and for as long as you can with your ds. You simply have to take a stand. And stop this bullshit once and for all.

dammit I would sooo put you up if you were around here... Hell I would love to just open my house as a refuge centre for dils trying to escape from situations just like this!

Or the naughty me would book to be away, and claim I didn't get the message from DH in time and had made bookings . Unfortunately DH has spoken to you, so that will only lead to further criticism that you are being unreasonable.

Further to my pp, could add, one of the MANY reasons the weekend dates wasn't suitable was because you had also made bookings (card game tactic, I see you, I raise you). DH cant get leave card game tactic, I call your bluff) and DH sooooooooooo wanted you all to be together as a big happy family (card game tactic Full House).

Wow what a witch! I'd definitely go for speaking to hotel yourself and see if you can change the booking. Also - make sure you are out when she comes - she can't argue that she's not been told. oh and next time don't send her a text that she didn't receive you will have to say it to her directly so there's no room left for lies twisting of the truth.

DH can't get leave (card game tactic I raise you) DH sooooo wants us to be a big family (card game tactic Full House).

Sorry one handed typing.

what an absolute fucking cunt she is.
do not back down.
i would take the head off her, i really would.
but i'm pretty fearsome when i get going.

I haven't read the full thread as I am cooking dinner etc, but please, knock this on the head now. My MIL ruined the first 10 years of my marriage. She caused me huge stress, caused my PND, and actually turned DS1 into a very anxious, nervous child.

If we had not moved away from her I doubt the marriage would have lasted.

Don't let this happen to you.

calmyourselftubbs

Loved your message, then I read your username, nearly wee'd myself laughing