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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: visitors

362 replies

TopsyRose · 11/08/2015 22:53

Hi,

I know everyone says it, but I am prepared to be told IABU and that I'm being a miserable bitch...

My husband and I have recently relocated 120 miles from where we were living with our 3mo DS. We moved back to where I am from as I suffered with post natal depression (I needed my Family and Friends around me I think - I was very lonely) and also to further our careers.

My PIL want to come and see the baby, I would never ever stop them doing this, but they are insisting on coming at the most inconvenient time. They asked me when was best, I said "any time, any week, apart from Fridays and Saturdays" as my husband does a 15 hour shift on both of these days. They then went on to book a Friday and Saturday at a hotel.

They are saying the hotel is cheaper on these days, but I have looked online and this is not the case. They are not limited to come on just these days as they are both retired.

My husband asked them why they had done this as it is not any cheaper, she said that she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems. She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband.

Maybe IABU but I feel that she has booked it for this time so they see me alone with the baby. When this happens my MIL makes spiteful comments to me, which then causes problems with my husband and I. I feel it is too much for me to deal with.

Sorry this is so long, but if you are still reading AIBU to say "'no, I cannot see you on those dates" and insist if they come, they come on a day my husband is doing a shorter shift, or is off, so he can be with me for moral support?

Thanks

Topsy xx

OP posts:
featherandblack · 12/08/2015 12:23

YANBU

No one has the right to enter your home and bully you.

MatildaTheCat · 12/08/2015 12:24

Hurrah! Well done. Flowers

PLUtoPlanet · 12/08/2015 12:29

Nice one, Topsy!

OutVileJelly · 12/08/2015 12:31

Well done OP. I usually try to give MILs the benefit of the doubt in threads like this, but I think in this case MIL is absolutely trying to set her own agenda. You were very generous with the days they could visit. If MIL wanted to visit friends and they said 'any day except X' I'm sure she wouldn't go ahead and book bloody X! Especially when it is just as convenient for her to visit any other time- no price/work issue.

Well done for sticking to your guns. It must be incredibly hard,especially with PND, but you will be glad of it in the long run

2rebecca · 12/08/2015 12:36

I think you are right to put your foot down. It isn't all about seeing their grandkids as they are also having to inconvenience you as your baby isn't old enough to pop round unaccompanied and see them. It also isn't about seeing their son as they've chosen to come when he's at work.
Any sensible person would come when it was most convenient not least.
You don't stop having a right to your weekends and your own time just because you have kids. If they really want to see their grandson they have to realise that the best way to do this is to get on with you and their son and visit when their son is around and when it's convenient for both of you.

AyeAmarok · 12/08/2015 12:40

Good and fair reply OP.

You need to think about your wellbeing here.

IhateMagic · 12/08/2015 12:50

Just wondering why you would have to actually leave the house?? could you just lock the doors and ignore them? Harsh, scary, but my GOD what a lesson it would teach them!

FithColumnist · 12/08/2015 13:06

Wait, you're a new mum and your ILs are deliberately coming down on a day when you're going to be on your own with your new baby? Do they expect you to look after them as well? YANBU, they are being VU. Your MIL is being a spoilt, manipulative bitch.

diddl · 12/08/2015 13:23

Good for you OP.

Your husband needs to not be a soft touch also.

You said that it doesn't work on those days & that is all that they need to know.

Even if she wasn't nasty & you just didn't want them there on these days then that is enough & your husband needs to accpt that also.

Or does he think that them visiting when they want is the price you pay for being near your family?

Sucks for them that you are the one at home with the baby & therefore are the one who is more available.

Still, there's a price for being a bitch to your Dil.

5Foot5 · 12/08/2015 13:25

Good text.

If they still insist on coming Friday/Saturday can you get some of your family and friends on side and have them visiting most of the time? This would mean:
a) She might not be so free with the spiteful remarks if your Mum is in the same room
b) She might be miffed at not getting the exclusive Grandma access she was hoping for

Then if she comments say "Oh but they always come on those days. Mondays to Thursday tend to be a bot quieter"

diddl · 12/08/2015 13:27

If they try to argue that they can't rebook or whatever, just tell them that Fri/Sat aren't convenient as you told them before they booked.

So fucking well listen in future

coconutpie · 12/08/2015 13:33

We done OP.

Like diddl said, if they say they can't rearrange, tell them that you did tell them Fri/Sat was not suitable so it's a problem of their own creation.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 12/08/2015 13:37

Well done on the text.

If she ever moans in your hearing that you are stopping her seeing her grandson, say "Yes. Yes I am" and give her a wide grin.

ollieplimsoles · 12/08/2015 13:38

Great text topsy, polite and firm.

Its your child, she has had her time as a mother, she's trying to control and meddle. Keep putting your foot down and she will soon learn.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 12/08/2015 13:39

Don't cave and give in, not even to a short visit. If my mil was nasty to me in the absence of my dh, I wouldn't agree to see her at all and she wpuld be getting nowhere near my baby until her behaviour improved.

Remember, she doesn't have a god given right to access to your child - it hinges on her ability to behave herself!

Teapot101 · 12/08/2015 14:20

Perfect text. Well done!

FryOneFatManic · 12/08/2015 14:54

OP, I also think that you should be careful about accepting those visits your MIL is planning once a month. Don't let it get set in stone, and if you don't want visits that frequently, then carry on as you've clearly started.

TeaPleaseLouise · 12/08/2015 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

muminhants1 · 12/08/2015 16:07

Ask your DH to take annual leave for those two days and go out and leave him with the baby and in-laws.

And next time give them dates that are acceptable, rather than the other way round.

At least they are not staying with you.

muminhants1 · 12/08/2015 16:09

Just saw your text - brilliant! Don't back down unless DH can take the days off.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 12/08/2015 16:21

Don't back down even if he can take the days off! You told her those days are not going to work for you as you won't be there, so don't be there. If you end up making yourself available after all it will simply show your MIL that you will rearrange your life to suit her if she keeps on at you; that her bad behaviour does work at getting her what she wants.

mmollytoots · 12/08/2015 16:26

well done op

BitchBags · 12/08/2015 16:46

Nice one OP :) your text sounds perfect!
Sorry I did reply last night but the site crashed :( Yanbu and I think that is very rude of your in laws to go ahead and book for the two days you specifically said you can't do!

Original poster
TopsyRose · 12/08/2015 16:58

Thank you everyone for your advice, the text showed as read at 1pm, but there was no response. My husband just called her, she says she didn't receive my message and the hotel booking in non refundable or exchangeable for another date. DH explained that I have plans for the Friday and Saturday, and also reiterated that he will be unable to see her. She said she is still coming as she is sure I can squeeze her in and will see if she can book the Sunday too to see DH.

I really cannot cope with it.

To make it worse DBIL came to stay for 2 nights last week, again when I said it was inconvenient and there was no room in the flat (he slept on our sofa). He used the line that transport was already booked, and DH said it was ok for him to stay.

I need to put a stop to all of this without looking like I'm being mean.

His family have no respect for me at all and DH won't stand up to them.

He can't get annual leave for when his parents come, he tried.

OP posts:
BitchBags · 12/08/2015 17:02

Cheeky fuckers! Just be really firm and don't let them force their company on you! Go out during the day and do not answer the door to them when your dh is at work.