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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: visitors

362 replies

TopsyRose · 11/08/2015 22:53

Hi,

I know everyone says it, but I am prepared to be told IABU and that I'm being a miserable bitch...

My husband and I have recently relocated 120 miles from where we were living with our 3mo DS. We moved back to where I am from as I suffered with post natal depression (I needed my Family and Friends around me I think - I was very lonely) and also to further our careers.

My PIL want to come and see the baby, I would never ever stop them doing this, but they are insisting on coming at the most inconvenient time. They asked me when was best, I said "any time, any week, apart from Fridays and Saturdays" as my husband does a 15 hour shift on both of these days. They then went on to book a Friday and Saturday at a hotel.

They are saying the hotel is cheaper on these days, but I have looked online and this is not the case. They are not limited to come on just these days as they are both retired.

My husband asked them why they had done this as it is not any cheaper, she said that she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems. She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband.

Maybe IABU but I feel that she has booked it for this time so they see me alone with the baby. When this happens my MIL makes spiteful comments to me, which then causes problems with my husband and I. I feel it is too much for me to deal with.

Sorry this is so long, but if you are still reading AIBU to say "'no, I cannot see you on those dates" and insist if they come, they come on a day my husband is doing a shorter shift, or is off, so he can be with me for moral support?

Thanks

Topsy xx

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 12/08/2015 17:02

Whats the adage - no is a complete answer. Text back and say DH has advised that they can't cancel. Reiterate you advised them before they book and whilst you understand they are coming some say, you cannot squeeze them in. Hope they gave a wonderful weekend in your hometown but next time, and you hope to catch up with them on their next visit.

OVienna · 12/08/2015 17:04

Where are you OP?? We have to get you to an MN safe house for those dates.

Cheeky cheeky feckers.

At least your DH is trying to say no, she clearly has balls of steel. She has no respect for you or your DH clearly.

Are you prepared to not answer her calls?

OVienna · 12/08/2015 17:07

I agree- invite her to your parents' house!!

Clork · 12/08/2015 17:07

Oh OP, that is dreadful, what an awful woman she sounds. What a conniving cow, saying she didn’t get your text (how often does that really happen?)!

I would say fine, let her come, but absolutely do NOT make yourself available to her on the Friday/Saturday. It's her problem. God I am fuming on your behalf.

Is there anywhere you can escape to on those days so as not to be at home?

YouTheCat · 12/08/2015 17:07

You need to have a full and frank discussion with your dh.

No one is welcome to stay on the sofa - including bil. When he next does this he needs to be ready to tell him no and stick to it.

As to the mil, be out, all day. Go to your parents. Go to a friend's. But be out and unavailable.

If this is not an option, batten down the hatches. Lock the door. Close the curtains and plug in your headphones.

Dumbolena · 12/08/2015 17:16

My MIL, after being told no visitors, sat in my garden for 3 hours! I had planned to go out but as she turned up at 9am, I had to hide in my bedroom until she took the hint.

Hope you can successfully avoid yours, sounds awful

PosterEh · 12/08/2015 17:21

If she gets what she wants this time then she can do this over and over again. I expect that your dh feels "stuck in the middle" but she is being utterly unreasonable and he needs to stop her railroading you. If she won't acknowledge your messages, he needs to phone her back and make the message clearer that you will not be seeing her until the Sunday.

bloodyteenagers · 12/08/2015 17:22

Well for the 2 days either don't be in or don't answer the door.
Don't answer the house phone.
You shouldn't have to but if she gets even 5 minutes she will do it every time.

She wants to waste her time and money that is her problem.

She was told no. Her reaction is fuck you I will do as I want.

Janethegirl · 12/08/2015 17:27

Can you go and stay at a friends or relations for the Friday and Saturday, preferably some distance away from your house?
As pp have said, you must not let her win otherwise you've had it. Stay strong and do not change tack.

Missymoo08 · 12/08/2015 17:29

I would msg her back and state tht DH told u room is non refundable but as stated before u are busy and most certainly CANNOT squeeze her in so if she still insists on coming then be ready to be disappointed.. Can't abide cheeky fucker's like that.

suzannefollowmyvan · 12/08/2015 17:31

My MIL, after being told no visitors, sat in my garden for 3 hours

omg how horribly invasiveShock
like some sort of stalker :(

Original poster
TopsyRose · 12/08/2015 17:43

Suzanne - that's horrendous!!

OP posts:
IhateMagic · 12/08/2015 17:43

Message her back telling her the door will be locked, and you are not going to answer the door to unexpected callers so not to drop by without calling. Then ignore calls.
She sounds like she wants to make a dramatic power play early on, to put you in your place.

rumbleinthrjungle · 12/08/2015 17:45

No, you can't squeeze her in, you have plans and it is not convenient. End of conversation. If you needed any confirmation this is not well intentioned, there it is, She's making this an overt power play.

Can you go to your parents or a friend on Thursday night, stay there and come back Sunday morning when dh is there? Might give him the hint too that if he won't stand up for his wife who has a newborn and Pnd and has just gone through the extreme stress of moving, then you'll protect yourself and the baby and see him and his relatives when he can be there with you and you are set up to host them. You falling into line at the cost of your wellbeing, health and happiness just so he doesn't rock his family boat is not on.

Original poster
TopsyRose · 12/08/2015 17:55

I worry if I ignore her when she is here is that she will go mad, she will probably cry hysterically and then tell the whole family how I've caused her stress. Last time we had an argument she said she ended up ok anti depressants and had to see a stress councillor.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 12/08/2015 17:56

You have told her, your husband has told her.

I cannot stress how vital it is that you are not in on either the friday or the saturday and you do not squeeze them in

If you do - you can look forward to more of the same. They will not stop doing it.

you will confirm in their mind that you do as you are told.

It will be, in the short term, the far more difficult option to ensure you do not see them on the friday or the saturday, but in the long term, it will be the best option.

They cannot say they were not told. They have been. Repeatedly. They do not care. They think that no matter what you say, you will ultimately bend to their will.

You have a choice. Show them they are right or show them they are wrong.

FenellaFellorick · 12/08/2015 17:58

xpost.

That is her problem.

She has been told the situation.

If she chooses to ignore what she has been told, then if she wants to bleat about it, that's up to her.

Don't be manipulated.

Whatisaweekend · 12/08/2015 17:58

Do you know which hotel she is planning to stay at? I would def check with them to see if her line about non-refundable/non-movable is true (I am calling bullshit). If, as I suspect, it is perfectly possible to change the dates, then I would get dh to call her on it. Reiterate that you are looking forward to seeing her but she has settled on precisely the dates that you said you were not available and this is just not reasonable.

FenellaFellorick · 12/08/2015 17:59

and your husband can tell the whole family that it's not you, it's them, because they were told. And can tell the whole family to pack in blaming you because he won't have it and neither will you.

Whatisaweekend · 12/08/2015 18:00

Also how does she know that your 'plans' do not involve leaving to stay with your best friends/parents/godparents hours away so that you are simply not there???!!!!

YouTheCat · 12/08/2015 18:00

You don't get anti-ds and a counsellor because of an argument. She's bullshitting you completely.

Do not worry about her upset - just think of yours and the potential for many more years of this crap.

IhateMagic · 12/08/2015 18:01

Call the hotel, tell them the whole sorry story about your poor silly mil, who got confused bless her, can they call her now and reassure her the dates can be changed. Then to call you back so you can be certain.

MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain · 12/08/2015 18:03

If you do end up having to meet with her, do you have a smartphone you could conveniently leave on the coffee table/arm of chair near her ... with a voice recording app running? That way, if she gives you any shit you'll have some evidence for DH. Though personally I'd be out both days ...

TwoDrifters · 12/08/2015 18:03

I would also call the hotel and ask them their cancellation/rebooking policy. Explain your in-laws have booked mistakenly (grrr) for a time when you are not available. Lay it on about excited grandparents and newborns etc. and ask if they would kindly this once let them rearrange to a midweek booking another time.

If they say yes of course (as I'm sure they will) then your DH can call back and sing your praises saying "Hurrah lovely mother Topsy has sorted it! There's no problem now - the hotel have agreed to change your booking! Isn't that brilliant?!"

If she still makes a fuss, then it's clear she has an agenda.

Wheredidiputthekeys · 12/08/2015 18:06

Topsy, do not budge. She asked your preferred dates and then ignored you. She will continue to ignore you. Your DH will feel caught in the middle because he is condiotioned by guilt tripping mummy.

While he gets to grips with the new family structure and grows a backbone you must manage her for your own mental health.

You told her you were unavailable, be unavailable. Ignore her melodramatic emotionally blackmailing anguish. Google narcissistic mothers.

Suggest rather than cancel her booking she reschedules on a date to suit you. If she still maintains she can't, go back to the hotel, claim a D&V bug/ chronic chest infection/ chicken pox scare chez Topsy, and insist on another date.

Hotel is on board, husband onside, mil managed. BiL can sleep on someone elses couch in future, unless he is prepared to step up for babysitting duty in lieu. Your house your rules. Give them all clear boundaries. Took me too long to set mine, I am the bitter voice of experience.