AIBU re: visitors

[TopsyRose]

Hi,

I know everyone says it, but I am prepared to be told IABU and that I'm being a miserable bitch...

My husband and I have recently relocated 120 miles from where we were living with our 3mo DS. We moved back to where I am from as I suffered with post natal depression (I needed my Family and Friends around me I think - I was very lonely) and also to further our careers.

My PIL want to come and see the baby, I would never ever stop them doing this, but they are insisting on coming at the most inconvenient time. They asked me when was best, I said "any time, any week, apart from Fridays and Saturdays" as my husband does a 15 hour shift on both of these days. They then went on to book a Friday and Saturday at a hotel.

They are saying the hotel is cheaper on these days, but I have looked online and this is not the case. They are not limited to come on just these days as they are both retired.

My husband asked them why they had done this as it is not any cheaper, she said that she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems. She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband.

Maybe IABU but I feel that she has booked it for this time so they see me alone with the baby. When this happens my MIL makes spiteful comments to me, which then causes problems with my husband and I. I feel it is too much for me to deal with.

Sorry this is so long, but if you are still reading AIBU to say "'no, I cannot see you on those dates" and insist if they come, they come on a day my husband is doing a shorter shift, or is off, so he can be with me for moral support?

Thanks

Topsy xx

What a witch! You must not give in There is a black out in your town. Gets loads of DVDs and chocs in and put your feet up. Ignore ignore ignore.

I agree your Dh is putting his marriage at risk behaving this way. Maybe not now but how many years will it take before you say enough and take Ds away My mil was a cow at first when I got married and had first doc. But she didn't always get her own way. I made sure of that and she has mellowed a lot in last five years. However sadly my fil has cancer so won't be with us forever. I'm worried the tables may turn again then. Good luck op.

Sorry for being so slow to get back to eberyone. My dh spoke to mil again, she shouted, screamed and cried and called me all the names under the sun. Dh told her about my pnd and medication (even though I didn't want them to know) and told them that we are not seeing them on Friday or Saturday. Finally now after a lot of stress and upset they have cancelled.

They have also told everyone about my pnd. I'm so upset but that's another story!

Thank you everyone for all your help and advice over the last few weeks. I appreciate it so much. Xxx

I am so sorry you are feeling so shit, but I am pleased your DH stood up for you

Oh Topsy :(

I'm glad they're not coming and that DH stood his ground but that's pretty shit of them to tell people about your PND if your DH asked them not to.

Oh Topsy, I am happy for you that they are not coming but so mad at your weak DH for telling them your private health concerns against your wishes. He has not come out of this well.

It speaks volumes about the horrible people the ILs are that they told others. I'm not sure I could bring myself to see or speak to them again after this.

Sending hugs and well done for standing your ground. Don't let anyone make you feel you did the wrong thing. You were definitely not being unreasonable.

He should not have told them that. You told him not to and just went and did it anyway

It's very concerning that he disregards you like this OP. I think it might be beneficial to talk over these two very specific situations with a counsellor. He needs to understand that his behaviour is inappropriate at best.

Does he ignore your wishes in other things too or is it just in relation to his mother?

Thank god your DH has grown a backbone! Not great that they've told everyone about your PND when you don't want people to know. Hopefully that will backfire on them as the family rally round to support you.

PND is horrid. You will get through it. Well done for standing your ground.

Bless you. I hope you can get them sorted so you and Dh are happy long term. Best he deals now I'm glad he has stodd up to th but it's sad they have spread the news around. Still I bet all the relatives have marked their card anyway years ago!

I'd refuse to host them ever again after their disgusting behaviour. How dare they call you names and tell everyone private medical information. I'd also be reading your DH the riot act. Ok he finally stood up for you but he should not have told them about your PND at all. How dare he betray you like that.

He needs to step up 100% when it comes to your ILs. I honestly would cut them out. Let your DH see them but I'd have nothing to do with these toxic wankers. They will bring you nothing but misery and awkwardness.

Good that he stood up for you, even if he did let the pnd slip (presuming in the heat of the shouting match?).

OP, you won't have pnd forever. If people know then maybe it will sort the wheat from the chaff a bit. Are the people the evil one has told people that you see often or care about at all?

Jeez. What utter cocks!

Just be aware that they may just turn up anyway, to catch in. If they do that just say that there is nothing further to discuss, shut the door on them and phone your dh.

Oh dear, it sounds like it is for the best but sorry that they have told everyone about the pnd.

On a side note, I am still on anti depressants three years on, and in that time the number of women that have revealed they also suffered is surprising. At first I kept it completely secret, but you don't need to be ashamed, it is really common, and nobody worth knowing should judge you for it. I wish I had been more open about it earlier as it might have helped others that were also struggling.

Well, at least you have a good reason not to have them over like - ever.

What a bloody bastarding thing to do - both to tell her about your personal medical condition and for her to tell everyone.

I'm glad that this weekend is sorted OP. How do you know PIL have told everyone about your PND and medication? Did they just say that to upset you even more?

Oh Topsy I am furious on your behalf that your DH told them your personal medical information. That is just such a huge betrayal considering you didn't want them to know. You really need to tell him how upset that made you feel - he needs to know that it was unacceptable.

As for your in laws ... wow. After that conversation where they called you names and told everybody about your PND I would be going no contact with them. That would be the last straw for me, no more chances. There's no going back from that. Your DC is better off anyway not being exposed to horrible people like that anyway, and your own mental health will improve.

Dh had quite a heated argument with her, she wasn't backing down and it slipped out, he asked her not to tell anyone. I'm pleased he managed to stand up to her even if she (and others) now know.

Some members of her side of the family know. I desperately wanted to keep it secret, no one knew apart from dh, but the stress of people knowing is a lot less than the stess of mil being here!

So glad your DH finally stood up to them. Not ideal that he told them about the pnf but you seem OK with the outcome. Please relax now and enjoy your weekend.

It's not a dirty secret to be ashamed about. It's so common and no one will judge you for it, and if they do that's a reflection on them, not you.

Glad dh stood up for you. What does he think and say, now he knows they've told people when he asked them not to?

Everything grapejuice said.. I'm glad he finally spoke up for you-have a lovely weekend!!!xx

Well, if they appear on the doorstep after that, you can feel wholly justified in refusing to let them in. When people are this rude, self-obsessed and bullying, then they forfeit all right to politeness in return.

Written whilst reading through the thread:

Staying with your auntie an excellent idea. Tbh though I think if my dd is ever in this situation (which I hope she never is and frankly i don't see her putting up with it) she'd be welcome to stay with me and I'LL happily deal with the Mil and tell her exactly what's what!!

I call bullshit on:

The hotel deposit being nonrefundable/transferable - I agree with checking the hotel's policy on this and having that info in your back pocket, in fact get hotel to email you this and have it printed out literally to hlaws

Having to go on ad's counselling over one sodding argument! I really don't see any gp wasting precious mental health resources on someone who's actually just acting like a 2 yr old having a tantrum!!

The brother not being able to alter travel plans. Unless a flight wouldn't even have cost much if anything.

More to the point THEY WERE ALL TOLD PRIOR TO MAKINGNTHE PLANS NOT TO MAKE THEM FOR WHEN THEY DID!!

ignorant SELFISH twats the lot of em.

A mere glance on mn will tell you as pp have said you need to put a stop to this attitude NOW!

AND your 'd'h needs to grow a fucking spine!

" Of course he could do more, he just doesn't want to." You're absolutely right OP yet more selfishness actually as he's more concerned about how HE'LL feel dealing with an upset mother. Not surprising given his father's attitude - still not acceptable!

"I tell him if he doesn't deal with it I will deal with it with considerably less tact." That's the attitude I finally took after 5 years of crap off my (now ex ) in laws

"living for this weekend"

FFS!! Crazy manipulative shite!

"He would have had a life time of doing anything just to get her to STFU." Doesn't excuse him also being a selfish twat here!!

"Sally stick up for FIL? FIL and DH no exactly how badly MIL behaves." Sally in that case he is as I said just as selfish if his main concern is that he's gonna have to deal with the bitch!

"He could easily have said "of course I'm not coming with you to the hotel on that date MIL as our son and TopsyRose haven't invited us on a weekend they've asked us not to come on a weekend and invited us to see them during the week. I'll make my own arrangements if you're planning on going when you're not wanted." " EXACTLY!!

"Its proof she doesn't care she just wants to 'win' and she is punishing you for moving away" seriously suggest you and your dh check the list of narcissistic signifiers on out of the fog site. I bet you'd see a lot of her behaviour on there!

Be VERY CLEAR

NO they are not welcome when dh is not around
NO they can't just plan to visit when it suits THEM!
NO emotional blackmail, threats, disrespectful behaviour, slagging you to other family/friends WILL NOT be tolerated!

In fact I think your dh should PHONE and tell her this RIGHT NOW!

With someone like this I'd strongly advise against using 'sorry' 'I'm afraid' 'unfortunately'. Perhaps looking up some assertive language info might be useful?

"MIL's exact words are that she can come whenever she wants and will not be dictated to by us." Simply proof that she's a selfish inconsiderate bitch!! At this point I'd be telling dh like fuck is she visiting at all until she loses that disgusting attitude!!!!!!!I'd have been majorly pissed off at dh not telling her this there and then "if that's your attitude you're not welcome at all! You do not treat my wife and child as a mere entertaining diversion at your convenience"

Just seen dh is being bloody useless!! In your position at this stage I'd have completely lost it with him! Like another poster said I'd be telling him to pack his bags cos he can sod off home with her if she's more important!!!

"being really cynical here - are you sure you muddled the dates?" I think this too!

"Just hope she isn't on MN!!" Actually I hope she is and recognises herself!!!

Depending what phones you have, mute landline, set mobile so her calls don't come through, disconnect door buzzer (friends can text/call when they arrive)

I think as women we need to stop worrying about the opinions of people who DON'T MATTER. I'm in my 40's and have only learnt this over the past decade (toxic parents) and am trying to get this through to my dd.

"Do we need a MN blockage outside the flat? MIL can't take us all on." I LOVE this idea! Let her deal with a load of angry indignant mn-ers telling her what a cow she is! She'd not win one argument I am sure THEN can we deal with your wimpy dh?!

"Definitely don't shout and scream. Calm, direct and specific." Oh yes "sort this or go home with mummy. Said calmly"

Having read your last updates, I seriously honestly think once things have calmed down you need to discuss with dh:

The fact he until the last possible moment (and only with you having to push stopped) put ONE generally healthy woman's desires ahead of 2 other people's health and well-being. 2 vulnerable people at that.

That this behaviour from his family will not be tolerated ever again and frankly he'll be bloody lucky if they're EVER welcome in your home again.

That he is genuinely risking losing his marriage and being a full time parent to his child because tolerant as you are being now and though you've not mentioned leaving, anybody can only be pushed so far.

I suspect couples counselling would be a really good idea if for no other reason than to have someone objective point out to him how awful and abnormal his family's behaviour is.

Good luck

What a nasty piece of work your MIL is!
At least she won't be coming now. Don't be stressed about the PND revelation. I am quite private when it comes to medical info too, but it is nothing to be ashamed of at all. Let her tell people. Most people will probably wonder why she is sharing sensitive information with them as, most people are not crazed loons like she is.

As far as the future goes, I would make it clear to your DH that she is no longer welcome in your home full stop. Talking about you like that is not fair, especially as you seem to be the one to bear the brunt of her anger. make it clear that DH can meet her with DS for a visit (depending on feeding needs of course) but that, until she shows you some respect as a human being and makes her apologies for behaving in this way on this occasion, she is unwelcome in your home!