To think that having no friends at all is weird

[Happytuesdays99]

My FIL has no friends at all. He is almost 70 and for as long as I have known him he has never been out with anyone other than his wife. He goes to the pub on his own and reads a book or paper and as far as i can tell doesnt speak to anyone there either. They are one of these couples that do literally everything together but she does have a number of friends who she goes out with.

I just find it a bit strange that you can get to 70 and have not one friend.

Is it odd or normal?

This may sound a stupid question, but how do those of you who find it hard to make friends, find a partner? I tend to be introverted and a bit socially inept, but I've always found a partner to be the next step up from a friend, in a way. I feel you've all leapfrogged to having a partner!

I'm fine one to one but am terrible in groups.

I met my DH online. I had one previous relationship with someone I met at uni. He was abusive and ended up raping me so I guess he was attracted to my lack of self esteem.

I suppose I was wrong to have got married. Something else to feel guilty about :(

My dad didn't have any pals but paradoxically he was well liked, he thought friends were pointless.

My dh lived in my road and I knew his sister, that's how we knew each other.
I will get flamed for this but I find men easier to talk to then other women.
I feel judged by women my own age, I'm in my mid fourties, I don't have a career so I always feel inadequate.
People who can walk up to others and start chatting don't know what it's like for someone like me, I could never do that.

My first serious boyfriend didn't have any friends either. I was 17 and met him in a pub (everyone drank underage then). He was a student at Edinburgh Uni. I assumed he was with people in the bar, but he was alone and chatted me up. He went everywhere on his own, theatres, cinemas, pubs, restaurants. It didn't seem to bother him at all.

Weaseleyes I often think that too. If people are so introverted, shy, awkward etc (and I know they are, I'm not suggesting it's made up) then how do they get to shagging acquaintance?

Loads of people on here say 'I've got no friends, just DH'. I guess at one point, the DH must have been a friend?

Dh and I met online we dtd first date I guess I plucked up the courage to try online dating by rationalising it that when I was rejected (assumed I would be) I could just block them and wouldn't have to face the awkwardness and embarrassment of having to face them. I chose a site that you uploaded pictures but they couldn't be browsed you chose to release your pic to someone and you could click to send pre written ice breakers to your matched. It made it a lot easier.

element I think I'm like that too. I'm hyperempathetic, but people don't seem to like that either. I struggle with eye contact though, but I don't think I'm on the spectrum, but suspect that both my parents are, and I learned to avoid eye contact from them.

To those asking how friendless people end up with partners: I went through most of my late teens/early twenties in a state where the only "relationships" I could form were either one night stands or flings. I had huge trust issues and only wanted to be loved. Just because I had lots of sex with lots of different people didn't mean any of them were friends. In fact I ruined many potential friendships with men because the only next logical step for me was to sleep with them, and inevitably our genitals' friendship would end up being the only thing we actually had in common and we would drift apart never to speak again. I always said I struggled to make friends with girls, but actually I just can't make friends with anyone - women seem to hate me and men I only really slept with. I did make a few friends back at uni though, and one of them introduced me to my DH. (She now hates me too. I have no idea why. I saw her at a wedding recently and she didn't even look at me, never mind say hello. We were best friends apparently.) We both hit it off because we were introverts and liked the same things (staying at home, listening to radio 4, reading books, normal 21 year old stuff...!) But our relationship was not without struggles until we go to the stage where we were 100% comfortable with each other. Now it's gotten to the point where I see DH as an extension of myself. After a tough day at work I will come in and say "I do not want to see another human being today" and he knows that he doesn't count because he's one of me. It is the same vice versa. I'm about to drive to the airport to fetch him, he's had a tough couple of days at work, and it will be a lovely silent drive home together. I'm very, very lucky though. If I hadn't met him I'd probably still be snagging random people and hating myself for it.

I have two friends, 3-4 associates, few cousins and my sister but I am a person who enjoys my own company. I can easily meet new people but I trust nobody because I have been through a lot so I cut off a lot of people, anyone new in my life doesn't get a second chance.

My point is that some people like me just don't trust others for whatever reasons or just prefer to be alone, not weird.

weaseleyes I attract men who use me then bugger off/become a dickhead. Have only netted one decent one, and he's got a shitload of issues that make him unsuitable as a partner (no matter how much I want him otherwise.)

Also find men easier to talk to, but I sadly suspect it's something to do with physical attraction rather than them liking my personality more :(

I don't seem to fit in anywhere - the only people who accept me tend to be quite different in other ways. Like they all think I'm a super neat freak/germphobe because I do the washing up more than once a month, or actually remember to have loo roll in stock . Or know how to manage money, or have some vague kind of ambition, even though I'm miles off (but I have lived out some of my dreams!). But then, the people I feel I have more in common with in other ways view me as equally 'odd', 'outcast' etc... because I dont have a job or children. Plus having MH issues means you're thick and/or not a real human, of course - a few people have seemed super friendly but in a sort of superficial way, like it's their good deed for the day to speak to the 'mental person'. The same people have been surprised if anything comes up in conversation that makes them view me as a real, competent person (eg. we've both travelled to the same country).

Actually, I've met a load of people over the last few years who seemed to be really friendly, a whole community (this was in my 20's, think artists, lefties and slightly mature students)... but very superficial in terms of really accepting new people and becoming friends. I've found that a hard pill to swallow, frankly, because it really seemed that there were others out there with the same sense of community and same interests... I felt I'd finally found my place. I guess the ones that are in the middle of it don't notice those on the edge... and there are really lovely kind people who nonetheless view me as 'different' due to MH issues, that has come as a bit of a shock because I hadn't internalised the stigma and see myself as perfectly normal but reacting to life experiences (and fuck it, i'm honest, if there is an issue/any confusion or ponderings I'm happy to explain to people, not be weird and leave them in the dark! I think this makes me easy to understand and predict but there you go!). Oh and at the odd party etc. drunk aquaintances (who have no desire to be friends and I rarely see) make a beeline for me to tell me how worthwhile I am; I can't explain exactly why this gets to me exactly, I think it's that I'm expected to nod and smile and make them feel like better humans.

God, I sound bitter, I'm not, just hurt and trying to work it all out. My therapist once asked if I knew anyone 'level headed' (she was picking her words carefully!) and it does seem a bit like because I 'have issues' I attract/am only accepted by others with 'issues'. Naturally this makes it hard to work out where boundaries are etc and I feel terrible if I want to cut anyone out or anything, because I think, well I'm a fuckup, who am I to judge others?

Anniesaunt I can relate to everything you've written. I think you have a very low view of yourself caused by your experiences, so I can't agree with it all, but the stuff you're writing sounds like how I feel when particularly low. I don't know the answers because I am looking for them myself, but I hear you. Feel free to PM, it would be nice to have an online friend :)

Crossed missed your post there somehow - can relate. Hopefully there's a lovely DP out ther for me too .

I have had genuine male friends but all of them have at one time or another admitted sexual attraction. I think with the ones who became good friends this might have just meant they stuck around long enough to get to know me then admitted I might not actually be the woman of their dreams.

I have found the odd woman I 'click' with but for various reasons (eg. them finding partner and moving) haven't got to full friendship stage before contact dwindles.

I suppose I was wrong to have got married. Something else to feel guilty about

Annie'sAunt

There you go again!..Even if that was said in jest it is so negative!

People do not like being around someone who always puts themself down or is negative. It repels people. Every time you have a negative thought about yourself you should correct it. You have got into the habit of continually abusing yourself. Everybody has some redeeming qualities, and everyone should be proud of who they are, but it is up to you to work on it and that won't happen by avoiding 'inflicting' yourself on people.
I know it is difficult when you have have had years of this but it is not impossible to move forward if you really want to change.

I agree gottagetmoving. Sorry Annie but if you say stuff like that out loud then it's understandable that people will back away. Perhaps it's a cycle, where you expect rejection so you actively seek it? Sorry if I'm miles off.

Some sad posts on here, but Annie yours is the saddest. It's not possible that people would find you unlikeable within minutes of meeting you - if that's your perception - someone (your mother?) has done a number on you.

Please get some counselling & reclaim your life. If you were made to feel worthless & unlikeable growing up counselling can help.

morris, I never say any of the things I've said here in RL. Not even my husband knows quite how bad I feel about myself although he obviously knows I have no friends.

My mum did always tell me not to approach and try and make friends because they wouldn't want to play with me. I then had to tolerate bullying at school which proved she was right.

I am guilty of holding back to try and lessen the hurt and nastiness of the rejection that will come. When company is unavoidable I try and make polite small talk.

Anniesaunt is it possible that people aren't always saying these awful things but that you perceive them to be? Please don't think I'm accusing you of lying, I'm not. But what I mean is that when someone feels really bad about themselves, as you clearly do, they sometimes interpret ordinary conversation as being directed at them, as criticising them etc. I have a relative who has struggled terribly with her mental health and she often used to say 'you're always telling me I'm ugly/stupid/fat/useless' etc when I had never ever said anything like that. I would sit in a room with her and loads of other relatives, chatting, and afterwards she would say eg 'everyone was having a go at me. Sally said I was stupid, Bob said he hates me'. And actually all that Sally had said was 'have you ever read 'insert name of book'?'. My relative took the question to mean that if she hadn't read the book it meant Sally thought she was stupid. And Bob had made some vague comment like 'I don't really like white cars, they are hard to keep clean, I prefer black'. And she had interpreted that to mean that he hated her because she had a white car.

It's not that she was deliberately making it up, it was that she felt so awful that she saw insults and criticism all around her that just weren't there.

Your mum does sound as if she's left you feeling horrible about yourself annie. Please get some counselling, I agree that it sounds as if your perception is out. Most people are rather bland in their opinions when meeting someone & don't think much either way.

I'm so tired of trying to understand. Nothings helped me make friends who dont hurt me/expect me to do whatever they want.

If I kill myslef everyone will think im selfish and horrible. I cant bear this. No way out

Treaclesoda when I had PND I thought that everyone hated me and I had no friends. I was so wrong, but can only see that now I am better. Thankfully I had a supportive rather than bullying family.

Having lots of friends isn't always real. They may be fair-weather. Having a cancer diagnosis has helped me to see who my real friends are. I will be loyal to them always because they are sticking by me. Others are just acquaintances now.

elementofsurprise, please seek some help. You need to see your GP and be honest about how you feel. Your GP has heard all of this before.

Thanks Eliza but I've been there, done that. First when for help about a decade ago in my late teens/20. I was labelled an attention seeker, told I should be coping fine, and have generally been treated like a naughty child since then if I'm not ok. It's easier not to deal with them. Had to go back five years ago due to breakdown when bad events/experiences caught up with me but sadly the same attitude, makes me feel worse. So I hide, and wonder what happens next as all my attempt to improve things don't work. I see a therapist privately once a week but without friends I can speak openly to, it's difficult to work on the past/longterm stuff because my day-to-day life isn't "safe"/meeting needs enough to do that. I am not allowed to be referred to secondary services (explicitly stated in writing several tims to my GP by said services) or primary care MH services ("too complex/risky").

I have posted about this in mental health. I am seen as a "bad" person and it's been like that since I was little, even though I've always tried to be nice and wouldn't dream of treating people the way I've been treated. Sometimes it feels like a campaign against me with services, like those awful stories you hear and think, no, this person must be delusional, this can't have happened. This also makes it harder to speak to people because they cannot fathom that this has really happened, even if sympathetic they secretly think I must be imagining stuff (a few times over the years people have attented appointments with me, secretly listened in on phonecalls, that sort of thing and been that it's true.)

I would give anything just to be held and loved and allowed to be me without being told I'm wrong for feeling anything.

ps. I am holding together ok right now at this moment, I just accidentally let it slip yesterday by posting. Sorry about that.