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Original poster

To think that having no friends at all is weird

201 replies

Happytuesdays99 · 09/08/2015 08:39

My FIL has no friends at all. He is almost 70 and for as long as I have known him he has never been out with anyone other than his wife. He goes to the pub on his own and reads a book or paper and as far as i can tell doesnt speak to anyone there either. They are one of these couples that do literally everything together but she does have a number of friends who she goes out with.

I just find it a bit strange that you can get to 70 and have not one friend.

Is it odd or normal?

OP posts:
MintJulip · 09/08/2015 09:30

when I was a young carefree lighthearted 20 something i would have said yes, i made friends so easily and of course lots of free single floating people to make friends with
now!!

stressed, isolated with small dc, cant get out - physically or financially, cant think of anything to talk about - i can see how it happens!!

it also happened with DP, they had huge social life but friends moved away, lost touch, died! it happenes

Allofaflumble · 09/08/2015 09:37

I'm the same. The people I interact with in my work life count as my social life.

Come the weekend its just me with me and I am quite content.

Anniesaunt · 09/08/2015 09:56

I have no friends, never have done despite years of trying. I am now trying to come to terms with the fact that I am just incapable of having friends. This is actually really difficult. I hope by the time I am 70 I will have cone to terms with it and be comfortable being on my own all the time.

Oh and yes I've been referred to as a weirdo my whole life.

TenForward82 · 09/08/2015 10:01

I'm asocial and have one friend. I've felt "odd" my whole life because society tells me I am. It took a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that I am the way I am, and there's nothing wrong with me, there are plenty of other people like me, and I'm not "odd". What a narrowminded viewpoint.

Egosumquisum · 09/08/2015 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoooRooo · 09/08/2015 10:08

Given how many threads I've seen on here with people asking what's wrong with them because they can't make friends, I don't find it surprising really. Making friends is hard and I think it gets harder as you get older. Then the friends you have made start dying off. Sometimes, of course, it's a choice to not make friends with people.

TheCatsMother99 · 09/08/2015 10:10

I don't think it's weird at all. Some people are happy with their own company and if they have a partner then they may feel that their partner is their best friend and that's all they need in their lives.

morall · 09/08/2015 10:12

I do find it strange when someone has no friends at all, whether close or not. But if he is happy, then it is his life. But yes, he will struggle when his wife dies.

Skiptonlass · 09/08/2015 10:24

You sound like someone who is happiest in the company of others - a classic extrovert if you will. Being alone drains you.

for many, many people the opposite is true. Being in company drains them and being alone/quiet recharges them. Classic introverts if you will.

This is nothing to do with being weird, or shy, or having no social skills. It's simply part of one's basic makeup.

I'm good with people, I like people and I have issues at all with social situations. But I prefer to be either alone or with my dh. Right now I'm on the sofa in one room and he's reading a book in another. Bliss. Big gatherings drain me, visitors drain me. I like the people involved but at the end of the day I need quiet time. I'm happy to eat alone with a book, or go to the cinema alone - I just don't need anything else.

TenForward82 · 09/08/2015 10:30

^^ This.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 09/08/2015 10:37

I have only a couple of close friends and lots of acquaintances.
I live alone and could not be happier.
Although I am considering a cat or two (see separate thread).
I feel sorry for people who have to go to weddings, dinner parties, etc etc. I much prefer (after a stressful, people-filled week at work) to relax AT HOME and process my own thoughts. Just potter about, cleaning, watching TV. IT'S BLOODY GREAT!

Allstoppedup · 09/08/2015 10:38

I have a small handful of old friends that I do stay in contact with although we live far away, they are really the only people I feel comfortable around other than DP. I find it very difficult to cultivate and maintain friendships/socialise. I have low self esteem and very often feel like a 'weirdo' compared to others so don't feel like I fit in which could be true or could but a product of my own insecurities.

Anniesaunt I just wanted to say I recognise your name from some other threads and your posts always seem to resonate with me - particularly about how bullying has impacted on your life. I've seen you say similar things before and just wanted to say I think you come across as a really lovely person and hope that things don't always feel so difficult.Flowers

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 09/08/2015 10:39

I have one good friend that a see every few weeks, and one I keep in contact with my messenging alone due to distance. I'm perfectly happy, more so than about 10 years ago when I had a large social life and countless friends. When my life very quickly went down hill, those 'friends' disappeared equally as fast - who needs people like that? Only interested in your good times, and leave you when you're down. I'd rather be friendless to be honest.

It sounds a horrible cliché, but I have the best times with my partner. He's the only one who in nearly 30 years I genuinely share so many interests and humor with, he's like several 'friends' rolled into one. He has a more active social life than me, which is also great, I get to ignore the world for a few hours and be as introvert as I can be!

DurhamDurham · 09/08/2015 10:45

It might be weird or sad if he had no friends but wanted some, but if he is happy in his own company then it's fine.

Some people are happier by themselves or with their partners or pets, other people like to surround themselves with a wide circle of friends.......me, I'm somewhere in the middle Smile

mumofawoodlouseeater · 09/08/2015 10:52

'Weird' and 'strange' are quite harsh words, which don't exactly give off a vibe of concern.

I also think your logic is pretty flawed in the implication that someone of relative old age should have accrued numerous friendships. It doesn't work like that. Perhaps he has had many friends in his lifetime but they have all now drifted away, for whatever reason.

TheseventeenthSixteen · 09/08/2015 10:55

I used to work as a care assistant. It's not that unusual for older people to not have friends (or younger people either), but the difficulties often start when that person's significant other dies. So many people I have looked after are like lost souls without their 'other halves'. Some are dreadfully lonely as there is no one else in their lives to spend time with, talk to, go anywhere with. It's really really hard.

Sometimes it happens if people live to very old age and outlive their friends. That's also really hard and terribly sad. I cared for a lady of 98 who had been to funeral after funeral over the last 30 years of her life. Just awful.

I have a fair few friends and couldn't imagine not having but everyone is different. I do think being more of a mixer does make older age more 'convivial' as it were. With your fil, the fact that he seems happy to spend time on his own in the pub, is a good sign to me, that he is genuinely happy to be on his tod. In which case he might cope fairly well if your MIL dies before him. Can he look after himself in terms of making himself stuff to eat, using the washing machine etc, shopping, paying bills and other paperwork? It's really important that everyone can do that and not be reliant on their partner.

Prole · 09/08/2015 11:00

Anniesaunt Another one who's never had any friends. I accept it's seen as weird possibly due to that sort of situation being incomprehensible to many people as this thread shows. I find it weird some adults have a genuine fear of being on their own for length of time. Takes all sorts.

Original poster
Happytuesdays99 · 09/08/2015 11:01

Sorry my use of the word weird was wrong, I didn't mean any offence by it.

OP posts:
Anniesaunt · 09/08/2015 11:09

Not offended happy I'm used to being called a weirdo freak. It's part of the reason I'm incapable of having friends. Only myself to blame.

SuperFlyHigh · 09/08/2015 11:12

my stepfather (now 63) only had a handful of friends when he was younger. One has now emigrated to Australia, one lives in China with her DH, one sadly died about 5 years ago,

The other friends he has are couples through my mum who's very sociable.

Mitzi50 · 09/08/2015 11:13

Waving sadly to startagainonmonday - I have a similar back story.

I have a few new friends/acquaintances but they are all happily married so are usually doing couple things. I don't mind my own company but it would be nice to have a friend to share things with.

morall · 09/08/2015 11:14

Only having a few friends is understandable. Very different from having no friends, unless you have a sociable family of course. But if your partner dies, it means you are totally on your own, and I would find that scary.

SirChenjin · 09/08/2015 11:15

.

HowDdo2You · 09/08/2015 11:15

I agree with Mrs I too though I had lots of friends and the reality of hard times makes you realise it's not worth the effort.

StitchingMoss · 09/08/2015 11:17

OP, I understand your concerns. My parents have no friends and never had done as far as I know. They are now elderly and not in good health and my mum is desperately lonely as my dad is no longer company for her. I find it heartbreaking, but then I'm a classic extrovert (maybe as a reaction to the way my parents were) and have so many friends I struggle to find time to see them all.

Loneliness in old age is a real and growing problem and I find it so sad.