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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that having no friends at all is weird

201 replies

Happytuesdays99 · 09/08/2015 08:39

My FIL has no friends at all. He is almost 70 and for as long as I have known him he has never been out with anyone other than his wife. He goes to the pub on his own and reads a book or paper and as far as i can tell doesnt speak to anyone there either. They are one of these couples that do literally everything together but she does have a number of friends who she goes out with.

I just find it a bit strange that you can get to 70 and have not one friend.

Is it odd or normal?

OP posts:
suzanneyeswecan · 09/08/2015 15:31

sounds as if you are concerned about him Happytuesday, he is surely aware that he'll be lacking in company without her, maybe he has a plan for that eventuality?

Perhaps it just get's more and more difficult to put up with annoying people tolerate other people's idiosyncrasies as you get older.

that has certainly been my experience, I dread to think of just how un personable I will be when I am old :o

hackmum · 09/08/2015 15:31

I have occasionally known elderly couples like this and it is heartbreaking when one of them dies.

Egosumquisum · 09/08/2015 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suzanneyeswecan · 09/08/2015 15:33

she had her wedding abroad, as she was to embarrassed for people to see that she had no friends to invite to her wedding

hold on...
if she had no friends then she had no friends to see that she had no friends, ie no one to witness her lack of friends and ergo no reason to feel embarrassed
surelyConfused :o

suzanneyeswecan · 09/08/2015 15:36

I have no self esteem or trust issues, I'm just very solitary, my 'inner life' is busy enough that I dont feel the desire to socialise
or maybe I'm just lazy and selfish

FirestoneD · 09/08/2015 15:38

She still had family, and her DHs family and friends.

Katedotness1963 · 09/08/2015 15:50

I have no friends. About 20 years ago I made a new friend and she turned out to be such a lying, back-stabbing, c,u next Tuesday, that I have never trusted anyone since. I'd rather be alone than go through that again.

Anniesaunt · 09/08/2015 16:00

Suzanne having no friends doesn't mean you never come across other people. I'm embarrassed about having no friends. I was embarrassed at my wedding in front of the caterers and venue staff because how few people were there.

suzanneyeswecan · 09/08/2015 16:09

true Annie, but who cares what random other people who dont even know you think?

I certainly dont

Egosumquisum · 09/08/2015 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 09/08/2015 16:18

But the other guests at your wedding are not 'random people,' they're your and your DP's relations and whatever friends you can muster (in my case a few people I happened to work with and two old uni friends - none of whom I still see despite efforts to keep in touch).
I did feel embarrassed when my DM snickered and called me the Lone Ranger. And when I didn't have anyone to ask to a hen night.
I have one friend locally atm, one long-distance, and a few acquaintances.
< joins weird club >

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 09/08/2015 16:20

Ego said it much more succinctly and elegantly Smile.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 09/08/2015 16:20

Ironically, my DM had loads of friends at my wedding Hmm

Sodder · 09/08/2015 16:25

I don't have any and my problem has always been that I take time, longer than most perhaps to make friends and so by the time I've got around to opening up, they've either lost interest or the course that we've been on has ended or things remain superficial for whatever reason. I don't know if it's a modern phenomenon but no one has any time to let things develop (think speed dating for example) and 'slow' people like me get left behind. I am quite aloof at first. It puts people off, I know.

I feel rather sad sometimes.

LintRoller · 09/08/2015 16:29

Slightly off topic but I'm always surprised by how many people there are on threads like this who don't have friends but would like them. (Not the ones who are alone by choice and perfectly happy, that's fair enough). I wish I knew if anyone was near me.

Can someone start a friend-making thread or something? Smile

(I know MN Local exists but it doesn't seem to fill this gap, at least near me).

Pandora37 · 09/08/2015 16:30

I don't have any friends who live near me. I don't have a partner or children either. I'm a right saddo. Grin

No seriously, I have lots of acquaintances through work and hobbies. I, on the odd occasion (i.e. a couple of times a year) go out with them for example to a Christmas party but I don't interact with them socially otherwise. I get on well with them and we chat but because I'm very reserved it's hard to cross over the boundaries into proper friendship. I feel a bit of an outsider as well as so many of them are in relationships and/or have children so I have nothing to talk about in those areas, which are often the main topics of conversation. Really, I'd love to find a group of single women but don't know where I'd find them.

My closest friend was my ex partner and we're not really on speaking terms anymore. I used to hang out with his group of friends and I really liked them but obviously when we split up I lost them all as they were his friends really, not mine. I have two other friends who live a distance away who I communicate fairly often with online. They're the people I turn to for emotional support.

I do feel sad sometimes. Like I had a relative ask me recently if I was spending my birthday with friends and I didn't know what to say....I could hardly say no because I don't have any. I hate birthdays now because they just remind me how socially isolated I am. Otherwise I'm okay with it. I enjoy my own company, I enjoy travelling and going shopping on my own. I think I feel happy with it, if happy is the right word because I'm only 28 and in reasonably good health so am able to be independent and go off and do what I like. Whether I'll feel the same in 50 years when I've got arthritis and struggle to get out of the house, probably not so much.

Having said that, my widowed grandmother goes on holiday with friends lots and is always out and about seeing people yet still always complains about how lonely she is, especially in the evenings. I don't think any number of friends can make up for her husband not being around. If your FIL is used to his own company, he might cope better than you think.

LintRoller · 09/08/2015 16:32

Ah I see TenForward got there first with the Asocial Lonely People's Club Grin How about that for a new MN topic?

saintlyjimjams · 09/08/2015 16:32

Yes to a friend making thread - good idea

I like my own company, & have plenty of individual friends (& am good at keeping in contact with friends from 20 years ago - it's why I like facebook) but I've never been part of a group of friends. I'd be good friends with x from one group & y from another. It was problematic when eg thinking about having a 40th as none of my friends would have known each other. So I bought a dog instead :)

LintRoller · 09/08/2015 16:38

OK I'm off to start the friend-making thread in Chat.

You must all follow me there so I don't feel like an asocial lonely person Grin

getdownshep · 09/08/2015 16:41

Soccer I'm the same as you, I come across as stand offish but I'm actually quite shy.
I like to get to know people properly but as you say its not the modern wayGrin
I worked with a man and on his last day he said to me"You're actually really nice when you let your guard down"
I have no friends, I did when my dds were young as I could use them as an icebreaker but they are adults now so I don't have that excuse anymore.
I have my dogs so chat to other dog walkers but that's it.
I also an only child which I feel personally hasn't helped me in life,I would have loved a sister.

LintRoller · 09/08/2015 16:59

Here we go, no excuses now Grin

Friend Making Thread

Sallystyle · 09/08/2015 17:07

On my birthday I get a card from my mum, husband, children and my in-laws.

It does bring it home how many friends you don't have. I get FB messages, but that is just because it is easy, they wouldn't go out of their way to remember or acknowledge my birthday otherwise.

I am quite odd, because I want friends but at the same time I'm not sure if I care enough about it as I think I do. For example, I wanted to make friends with the group I have been with all week and I speak to a few of them, but when it comes to break time I wandered off to be on my own instead of joining them. So it's like I really want friends but at the same time I find it all quite exhausting. I am better with one on one.

ForalltheSaints · 09/08/2015 18:26

I wouldn't consider anyone with no friends to be weird. I would be concerned if a person has minimal social contact outside the home though. Esther Rantzen makes a valuable point about the health effects of loneliness, especially for those who have lost their husband or wife from bereavement.

Anniesaunt · 09/08/2015 18:36

Suzanne because it was a reminder of how horrible I am. Also half the invitees (who had accepted) didn't turn up on the day so we were massively over catered. 9 kept cringing at all the work and food being wasted. Especially as it shows even my family cannot tolerate me.

WitchofScots · 09/08/2015 19:45

Saints I'd second that. I know somebody, sadly not local to me, who has little if any social contact outside the home and he is suffering the physical side effects of it nearly constantly. He's only in his mid-forties as well :(