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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that having no friends at all is weird

201 replies

Happytuesdays99 · 09/08/2015 08:39

My FIL has no friends at all. He is almost 70 and for as long as I have known him he has never been out with anyone other than his wife. He goes to the pub on his own and reads a book or paper and as far as i can tell doesnt speak to anyone there either. They are one of these couples that do literally everything together but she does have a number of friends who she goes out with.

I just find it a bit strange that you can get to 70 and have not one friend.

Is it odd or normal?

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 10/08/2015 23:43

I read this article a couple of years ago, based on a study on this subject, that said most people massively over-estimate the number of friends other people have, because by definition, you are friends with people who have friends - and most people you know will have more than you do, because that is how averages work. Very, very few people feel popular, as a result, even if they actually are in purely statistical terms. And you will find friendless people weird if you have friends, because by definition, you have no friendless friends yourself.

Wish I remember where I read it. It was fascinating.

sleeponeday · 10/08/2015 23:48

Here.

sleeponeday · 10/08/2015 23:48

(That wasn't the article, but cites the research.)

Judydreamsofhorses · 11/08/2015 00:10

My mum's husband has no friends - he's really sociable with my mum's friends, who they go out with as a couple, but I often wonder why, given that he's so outgoing and sociable, he brought no friends at all to their relationship.

emmelinelucas · 11/08/2015 00:27

sleep - I remember reading that article. Can't think where I saw it.
DH doesn't have any friends. He has me.
He said that when his best friend (the vicar) ran off with his wife he wouldn't be able to trust again.
I think that is so sad.

riveravon23 · 11/08/2015 02:43

I wouldn't trust anyone who has no friends however at 70 it's different, they might of died or drifted apart. For someone under 50 to have no friends there's a reason why

Yes. My friends all drifted away once we adopted children with disabilities. People regard us as weird, even more so now we are foster carers also. It is a hectic household, but I often feel very lonely, especially as I have no extended family either.

Ragwort · 11/08/2015 07:44

I do a lot of voluntary work (actually a really good way to make friends Grin) and I am often struck by how lonely so many older people are, it might be fine to say 'I have no friends when you are young, busy with work/family etc' but I meet plenty of people in their late 70s/80s/90s who have no friends and they admit they are lonely.

If you only have an immediate 'bubble' of your DH/DP and children - what happens in the future? Just one example is an elderly lady I know, one of her DDs died of cancer, then she was widowed, she moved to be nearer another DD who now does not speak to her Hmm. This lady does make a real effort to go to social clubs, Church etc - otherwise she would literally see no one. Sad.

I am very happy with my own company and don't crave companionship all the time, but equally it is good to know that if I want to meet someone for a coffee or need to ask for help - I have people to turn to. And friends bring different things to your life - new experiences & opportunites to widen your horizon.

Queeltie · 11/08/2015 07:55

To those who have been badly hurt by friends - part of friendship making social skills is learning to suss out those who are users and untrustworthy, and give them a very wide berth. I have been used by some friends in the past, but I can now spot those type of people fairly quickly.

iPaid · 11/08/2015 08:11

Ragwort - no-one, even you with your masses of friends, can predict whether their future will be lonely or not. Many widows report that their married friends shun them when they are no longer part of a couple. People's lives evolve to an extent that can be unrecognisable from the lives we lead in our 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s; divorce, illness, bereavement - as well as lots of lovely things as well. Enjoy your friendships but try not be get too smug and patronise people who have been less lucky or have made different choices to you.

Ragwort · 11/08/2015 08:47

iPaid - I apologise if I appear smug - this 'having friends' issue comes up time and time again on Mumsnet (I've been here since the beginning - 15 years) and it is something I think about a lot as so many people seem to struggle with making friends (including my own DH - see my earlier comment).

Anniesaunt · 11/08/2015 08:57

cat I know I'm a bad person because I've always been told I am. At school for example they used to ask me when I was going to kill myself and make the world a better place. At group work they'd beg the teacher not to have to work with me. The teacher either got me to work alone or told them they had to or commiserated with them for having to put up with me.

I've spent years trying to fix myself. Unsuccessfully and made more difficult by me never fully understanding what's wrong with me. I understand I'm hideously ugly but can't fix that. I try to be polite but that always goes spectacularly wrong. For example colleague was getting married and she showed everyone in the room a picture of a dress and asked what they thought. I said gorgeous dress, very elegant. She said who asked you you're too fat to wear nice clothes do but our where you're not welcome. So next day when there was a group conversation I kept my head down and said nothing and had to deal with snide comments about being too upity to join in. I have since given up and started isolating myself to minimise these humiliating situation. Also I've never wanted to upset people or ruin their day which my presence seems to do so it's for the best.

Anniesaunt · 11/08/2015 08:58

Oh and not even my own mum likes me.

MoralityPlay · 11/08/2015 09:14

AnniesAunt That's such a sad post Thanks Your colleagues sound awful.

Gottagetmoving · 11/08/2015 12:33

Some people need friends, others don't. Neither is weird.
If you have no friends but want some it is up to you to make the effort by joining in things and showing an interest in people.
If you don't want friends then people should accept that and not label you weird or think there is something wrong with you.

MsMcWoodle · 11/08/2015 12:57

Annie's aunt. Your second post explains a lot. Do get some help. Very sad for you, but things can get better.

NickiFury · 11/08/2015 13:00

I've got friends. I don't need to spend time physically with them though. Probably about once a week, if that. I really do prefer my own company though, apart from my kids who I like being with more than anyone else.

Anniesaunt · 11/08/2015 13:05

gotta it's not that simple. I only gave up on the chance of ever having friends. I think that's more than enough time trying.

maxxytoe · 11/08/2015 13:26

I've just turned 26, I have no friends other than my 2 sisters.
I don't care , I much prefer to do things alone just me and baby DS Smile
I dont have any friends because I'm rather selfish , I like doing things my own way.
Me and DS have a big holiday booked next year and I can't wait to do everything we want , when we want with no compromise
No friends suits me fine

perthmom · 11/08/2015 13:54

I have no one I would class as a true friend. I have “coffee acquaintances” - mums from DCs school that I see occasionally but no one to really talk properly to. I would like this to be different but struggle making new friendships due to low self esteem, social anxiety and being very reserved with new people. I know I should work harder at this, but it is such a huge effort. Making friends is so simple for some, and extremely difficult for others and I don’t think people should be judged on that.
I would have a look at the making new friends thread in chat but don't think there's anyone else where I am (Australia)

Eliza22 · 11/08/2015 14:02

It can be virtually impossible for some people to make and maintain friendships. I have few and am very happy in the company of DH. I find everyday contact with people difficult at times. I'm not odd or weird, just different.

elementofsurprise · 11/08/2015 14:54

I would love to have lots of friendships, a sort of community really I suppose. For some reason I find it virtually impossible to get past aquaintance level.

It is heartbreaking; I would much prefer to really be there for people and give a lot to maintaining a supportive community, but because others have a different view/priorities I have to hold back so as not to be taken for granted or give too much energy (which only works if it's reciprocated.)

I sometimes think I might have Aspergers, and feel like I'm from another planet... but think I may have some kind of anti-aspergers (?!) where I am hyper alert to body language and things, good at reading people's emotions and showing empathy (people do open up to me) and that sort of thing. Like there's a scale with ASD at one end, neurotypical in the middle, and me at the other end.

Sometimes I just feel worthless and so alone, like I'll never find my place.

Anniesaunt · 11/08/2015 17:47

element that's often how I feel. I often pick up that someone is upset and Dh will wonder WTF I'm talking about.

RedRowanBerries · 11/08/2015 17:54

element I recognise what you are saying. I considered and then dismissed Aspergers in our family but then a family member had a child with autism. Now I do think we have shades of Aspergers in other family members

Gottagetmoving · 11/08/2015 18:56

gotta it's not that simple. I only gave up on the chance of ever having friends. I think that's more than enough time trying

Annie'sAunt You seem determined to prove you can never have a friend and come up with an argument for any suggestions. You will never attract anyone to you with such a negative and self loathing attitude.
I don't believe that very person you meet wants to be horrible to you? Yes, there are nasty people around but most people are kind to others.
No one is too ugly to have a friend or too horrible to have a friend, unless they are deliberately horrible in order to repel people.
Ok, so nothing you have tried so far has worked but that doesn't mean nothing will. First you need to learn to love yourself and you CAN get help with that IF you really want it. Sadly, I don't think you do because you feel more secure as you are, however bad that is for you.

Anniesaunt · 11/08/2015 19:13

No not every one is nasty to me but enough have intimated how awful it is for me to be there. I now worry that anyone who is nice to me is doing so out of pity and I don't want to upset nice people by being there. I have never been deliberately been nasty to anyone but I pull back. Accepting being friendless for ever is better than constant rejection the end result is the same.

I don't usually admit to people in RL how much I hate myself I'm always polite and make small talk like about the weather or something like that.