to really not know how to handle this situation with my friend (weight related)?

[WilburIsSomePig]

I put 'sabotage' in inverted commas because it sounds so bloody dramatic.

I am overweight. I started going to Slimming World in December last year and have lost weight very slowly (now at just over 2 stone loss) by trying to alter the way I cook etc. I have very normal meals (all the family do) I've just stopped adding to it with the 3 bags of crisps and about 4 bars of chocolate every day. I've tried very hard and it's coming off very slowly but I'm happy with that. I still have treats and when I go for a meal I will have what I like, drink what I like etc so I really don't feel like I'm on a 'diet' of any sort.

I didn't tell anyone I was starting SW but my close friend noticed I had lost a bit of weight at the start of the year and asked me how and decided to join me at the group etc. All great, it was fantastic to have her company and we supported each other. However, she decided to stop, again, fine by me as it's up to her. Now here's my problem. Since she stopped, the bitchy comments have started 'oh I don't suppose you'll eat anything now' (absolutely not true) and in front of other 'oh Wilbur doesn't eat these days she thinks she's a supermodel ha ha ha'. etc.

Last night I popped round to drop something off to her just after dinner and she said she'd bought some cakes for me and offered one to me. I said thanks but I'd just eaten and I'm maybe have it in a hour or so (which I would have, like I said, I don't deny anything I just have it in moderation). Then she said she'd bought wine for me. She doesn't drink and I never drink during the week, I never have and she knows this. When I said I'd rather have a cup of tea she tutted and muttered 'for fucks sake' under her breath. Er, What? It turns out I'm 'a stuck up cow' and think I'm better than her because I've lost a bit of weight and I need to live a little. I'm gutted. I never talk about losing weight because I get embarrassed about it and to be honest it bores me witless so I don't do it. I asked her what the hell is going on and she said she was sick to death of me in general because 'it's no fun being fat on your own'. (I'm still fat btw). So I left. I've got 3 missed calls from her on my phone which I haven't yet returned but I have no idea what to say to her. Where do I go from here?

I need to go out for a bit now but I would really appreciate some advice here. We've known each other for years and I'm gutted about this.

I think your dh is right rise above it and ignore, if you respond it will just deteriorate into an unseemly FB tit for tat slanging match, nothing will be resolved just even more bad feeling and resentment.

Sorry to hear that she's doing this OP, but I have to say it's not entirely unexpected.

Friend B had already mentioned Facebook so her continuing to post nonsense on there isn't a surprise.

And she was hardly going to admit she'd driven you away by being a spiteful bitch either.

Ignore friend B, she is stirring. Even if she's telling the truth about what friend A is saying, she's still stirring by passing it on to you.

Ignore friend A as well. She knows exactly what she's done and what's wrong, she knows she's lying about things, and if she's the sort to make a drama on Facebook she'll have most people rolling their eyes about her anyway.

If a genuine friend asks you what's going on, explain just enough to them to let them know you've been very hurt by her behaviour but just want to let it go.

Delete or hide both A and B from Facebook so you don't have to see their nonsense.

Yes I really don't want to get involved in a tit for tat spat on FB or anywhere else for that matter. I've told B that I don't want to hear anymore and I suspect she's fishing for information from me so I'm ignoring that too.

A and I have lots of friends in common and we live in a small place which is difficult. I don't want to be painted as the bad guy but I think if I get involved in anything it'll just escalate and then other people are bound to get involved which I really don't want. I think A is 'recruiting' people around her. DH says that anyone who really knows me would know that I wouldn't do that and that anyone who believes her is obv not a friend anyway which I guess is true. So I think I need to just sit it out and know that I'm being gossiped about for having the nerve to lose a bit of bloody weight. Its all so ridiculous. And I actually miss my friend.

I'd mostly agree re the rise above it advice ie in terms of Facebook but if asked outright by friend B or anyone else I would say that friend A said some very nasty and spiteful things to you and refused to acknowledge how upset that made you. You don't have to give further details, an "I don't want to get into it as its personal/I don't want mutual friends to feel uncomfortable" should suffice.

We all like to think saying nothing, being the bigger person etc will work but sometimes you need to stick up for yourself especially when the other person thinks nothing of giving her version of events to all and sundry. Given you never expected this type of behaviour from her chances are her other friends wouldn't either and are likely to believe her spin.

It's not lying to say the children didn't turn up - that's what happened.

Given you never expected this type of behaviour from her chances are her other friends wouldn't either and are likely to believe her spin.

This is what worries me. All this is TOTALLY out of character for her, I would never in a million years have expected this from her. She's hardly ever on Facebook (nor am I) bit I can see she's posted 3/4 times a day since last week. All the same kind of crap. She's like a different person.

When I lost weight, I had a lot of support from the people at work. I think that helped me feel good about myself. My relatives however were all not very supportive and two of my sis in laws kept on making such comments. They kept on asking me what I did to loose weight. I used to do a lot of exercising on my own in the morning an hour everyday. I put in a lot of effort. Then I started long walks and realized that walking actually worked better for me.
My relatives made comments about me being stingy and trying to save on my food bills. When I told them I walked to loose weight they stated I was lying and that I was doing something else. One of my sis in laws said to me directly that I will feed you and make you fat again. They pretended to be offended when I refused some food simply because I had already had my fair share of what I needed.
When we were together both of them blatantly made remarks about how they tried to reduce the butter content in their cooking and gave me the looks waiting for me to reply.
I stuck to my goals and enjoyed my life in the thin. Clothes looked good on me and I could see them seething rage through their teeth. I just decided to ignore all their rude remarks, which were out of jealousy.
Loosing weight and keeping it off is hard work. You sometimes and mostly need to work on it alone because what suits you does not suit another person.
It is essentially a change in your whole lifestyle which you need to stick to. I eventually gained all my weight back again after my pregnancy. I am trying hard to loose it again with not much luck. But I know one day I will.
The time I was exercising and eating well was the best time of my life. I never had any aches or pains in my body. I never had any flus, colds or coughs. I was performing better at work and I was a happier person.
I now intend to use the trampoline in the back garden, a weighted hoop and swimming to help me slim up again. Now I am fat no one wants to feed me, or reduce the amount of butter they use in their cooking and no one wants to know if I walk any more. None of them cares.
p.s. they are happier to be slimmer than me now.

for you Wilbur. It sounds like a crap situation and you're handling it well. Agree with PP, block her on Facebook or at least unfollow for now so you're not faced with anything upsetting from her.

She has behaved appallingly towards you; the bit that struck a chord was her saying it wasn't her fault that you chose to feel hurt/upset by her comments, I had an ex do that constantly and have cut him completely out of my life as a result. However I do feel a little sorry for your friend, she is clearly jealous and unhappy and I'm sure she will regret her actions and miss your friendship. If you feel there is anything left to salvage then perhaps give it some time for things to settle and then see if you can talk it out. In the meantime, keep your chin up and good luck with SW, sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

I feel sorry for her too fruit I actually want to go and see her and say 'what the fuck is going on?', have a chat and get back to normal but I don't thank that's possible now.

Tuck your SIL's sound truly awful. I'm sure you'llbe where you want to be again, you sound determined.

OP sorry if that bit of my post upset you, that wasn't the intention. I just meant that because of that concern I couldn't just say nothing if asked. Look you can't control what other people think and like you I'd never get into it with someone on Facebook, I just think be prepared to say something in your defence if asked outright.

Hopefully most of your mutual friends are the type who won't want to get overly involved in this type of thing and it will be old news soon.

Spinning it didn't upset me honestly, I think its absolutely true. Gah I hate all this shite, I've never had a 'falling out' with a friend in my life!

I would think badly of anyone who posted that stuff on FB, even if I knew and liked both people, I would be inclined to believe those who kept a dignified silence.

Sorry your friend has turned out to be a bitch. On the bright side this is like twat dialysis for your life - you will only be left with th kind people afterwards

I don't do Facebook but I was friends with someone for 15 years and thought the world of them when I heard from another friend that she was (I think the term is "vaguebooking") about me, putting weird PA "aimed" comments (kinda pointless as I would never see them).

I was adamant she would never say/make up rubbish about me, especially not on FB like some kind of adolescent dork but unfortunately she was. I never really got to the bottom of why she suddenly hated me, I think it was because I got more hours at work and couldn't be her "go to" for chaufffer/babysitter/damp shoulder at the drop of a hat.

It was a harsh lesson at the time but I am so much happier without her in my life now, after taking a step away I realised that she was very maniuplative and selfish.

It's seems horrible now but I bet in the future you'll feel lighter without her.

My sister did this to me when I lost 4 stone. She didn't congratulate. Instead made it all about her, burst into tears about how she was the fat one now.

Like you I never made a big deal about it. I decided to start running and swimming a few times a week. Ate a bit healthier. In actual fact for me it was more about getting my mental health back on track. I'd just come off some rotten anti depressants that made me feel like utter shit compared to how I was before taking them and I was trying a more whole body approach to treating my problems rather than many (obviously) connected symptoms. There was a lot of evidence to suggest diet and exercise would help with my mild-moderate depression and did it with GPs OK.

I felt terrible after my sister did this and slipped up for a while. Much to her glee. Especially as she was a 'bring cake to anything' kind if person and would try to push it on me all the time. (Totally not OK but I always take cake round to hers now an leave it there )

She is jealous, pure and simple. You are doing this for you and her feelings are not your responsibility.

This may seem like an insensitive question. Were you bigger/fatter than her prior to dieting with SW? I only ask because I have know a couple of ladies who would always have a fatter friend just to make themselves feel better about their own bodies. The whole 'I'm not as fat as x so I am ok'. So you shifting the weight - congrats btw, Its a ridiculous hard thing to do on your own! - would have shifted her perceptions of herself as you had removed her 'limit' so to speak. I do it too in a way... If My belly is bigger than my boobs or it hides my muff I'm too fat

Again thats not your fault its her insecurities and again, you are not responsible for her feelings about your weight loss!

I think you make good points bettyberry. It needn't be weight either, it could be "I'm ok because X drinks more than me/has fewer friends/less disposable income/a smaller house/is generally less successful in life" and when any of that dynamic changes these people simply cannot handle it and lash out.

My SILs behavior made me realize that it is the nature of some people. I think they are just used to behaving that way. I think it is important to develop a thick skin and decide other peoples opinions on you don't really matter as long as you know you are doing the right thing. Your lifestyle benefits non other than yourself.
If you want to loose weight successfully and stay motivated, competing to fit into a smaller piece of clothing works perfectly. I bought a dress which I loved but they had no smaller size in the shop. After a month of hard work, waking up at 6 every morning, exercising till 7, eating healthy but calorie reduced meals I still had a long way to go. Every time I felt I was going to slip, I went and took out the dress and looked at it. I tried to put it on, and then I just told myself I have to work harder.
I fit into it after an year and went back and bought 4 more of the same size.
There are many other friends who are supportive. Sometimes learning to neutralize negative comments with do you think I am doing something wrong? can help.

I think your DH is right. I'd be tempted to send B a response along the lines of 'Really? How odd' but that would be it.

laffymeal only a few people can handle the changes. If someone gets a new car you can bet your last penny the rest in a circle of friends will get a new car because each and everyone of us has insecurities and jealous streaks. We don't want to feel left out or inadequate.

I had it too when I decided going out to the pub on a friday and saturday night was not for me any more. I much preferred to be drawing! (my job) and wake up clear-headed. I was labelled as dull, a bore, frigid!? old... you name it!

Usually those people who don't Like the changes drift away quietly and In all honesty I much prefer that but to have someone lash out as violently as the OP's (ex?) friend has done is incredibly painful. I couldn't imagine treating anyone like that yet I've had it happen to me several times.

I have a feeling the OP's friend has had a seething cauldron of resentment bubbling for a long while. Not just about the weight. Probably with other friends too and its ONLY the OP who has had the brunt of her attack and thats why she blew up so violently and so publicly (on FB) Insecure people usually feel insecure about a lot of things. The OPs DH (he is awesome btw OP. You keep hold of that one!) standing up to the friend will have shook her even more esp if her own H is a bit of an arse or hasn't stood up for her.

Bottom line is its not the OP who is to blame. not in a million years.

We can't all go around living our lives worrying about other people and fearing to make those changes. Hell I'm only responsible for my own happiness. Not every tom dick and harry.

Usually I'd suggest a dignified silence. Unfortunately bitter experience has taught me that if you keep silent while someone is openly spreading crap, most people will believe the crap and think your silence is guilt. if you can live with that, do nothing.

If not, since she has already taken it to facebook, how about making a single facebook post tagging her, but on your own page so you can delete it if you decide and delete replies, something like: "(fat friends name) I'm sorry that we've had a disagreement. I respected your decision to leave SW and am really glad for you that you are happy with your curves. I simply wanted you to respect my decision to continue to try to lose weight for myself and my family without making negative comments. Clearly every time we talked about this we could not agree, so let's be grown ups and put the weight issue aside. Hope we can continue as we were before. Hope to hear from you soon but if not, take care. Not my style to post this sort of thing on facebook but as it already seemed to be out there this seemed the best way to clear it up and draw a line under it."

she knows shes in the wrong and so she's desperately rushing around online making sure that she gets her side of things out there first so that people will think she is the inured party.

Looks a bit like a way of making sure that you suffer 'sanctions' for not falling in with her way of thinking re diet and weight loss.

What a plonker she's making of herself

tbh I'm quite shocked that anyone over the age of 12 would take to face book like that

Also, harsh as it is, be prepared for losing some other "friends" as well as they sometimes tend to side with the empty vessell that's making the most noise and will trot out lamewad phrases like "Well, she's always been lovely to ME". It can be a real eye opener this sort of thing.