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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really not know how to handle this situation with my friend (weight related)?

217 replies

WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 09:02

I put 'sabotage' in inverted commas because it sounds so bloody dramatic.

I am overweight. I started going to Slimming World in December last year and have lost weight very slowly (now at just over 2 stone loss) by trying to alter the way I cook etc. I have very normal meals (all the family do) I've just stopped adding to it with the 3 bags of crisps and about 4 bars of chocolate every day. I've tried very hard and it's coming off very slowly but I'm happy with that. I still have treats and when I go for a meal I will have what I like, drink what I like etc so I really don't feel like I'm on a 'diet' of any sort.

I didn't tell anyone I was starting SW but my close friend noticed I had lost a bit of weight at the start of the year and asked me how and decided to join me at the group etc. All great, it was fantastic to have her company and we supported each other. However, she decided to stop, again, fine by me as it's up to her. Now here's my problem. Since she stopped, the bitchy comments have started 'oh I don't suppose you'll eat anything now' (absolutely not true) and in front of other 'oh Wilbur doesn't eat these days she thinks she's a supermodel ha ha ha'. etc.

Last night I popped round to drop something off to her just after dinner and she said she'd bought some cakes for me and offered one to me. I said thanks but I'd just eaten and I'm maybe have it in a hour or so (which I would have, like I said, I don't deny anything I just have it in moderation). Then she said she'd bought wine for me. She doesn't drink and I never drink during the week, I never have and she knows this. When I said I'd rather have a cup of tea she tutted and muttered 'for fucks sake' under her breath. Er, What? It turns out I'm 'a stuck up cow' and think I'm better than her because I've lost a bit of weight and I need to live a little. I'm gutted. I never talk about losing weight because I get embarrassed about it and to be honest it bores me witless so I don't do it. I asked her what the hell is going on and she said she was sick to death of me in general because 'it's no fun being fat on your own'. (I'm still fat btw). So I left. I've got 3 missed calls from her on my phone which I haven't yet returned but I have no idea what to say to her. Where do I go from here?

I need to go out for a bit now but I would really appreciate some advice here. We've known each other for years and I'm gutted about this.

OP posts:
minitoot · 04/08/2015 18:40

She is just jealous. I would feel sorry for her and move on with your life (well done by the way).

Original poster
WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 18:44

I don't know why my friend contacted me to ask about the FB thing, I didn't think about it at the time but it is weird. I'm getting paranoid now wondering if friend A contacted friend B for a moan about me. Friend B does have a little bit of form for being a bit of a gossip. Confused

OP posts:
OhBigHairyBollocks · 04/08/2015 18:49

Firstly, wanted to congratulate you on the weight loss. You are doing so well and I bet you look fabulous Smile
Honestly? Your friend sounds incredibly jealous. That's her problem, not yours. Well done for sticking up for yourself, you don't deserve a 'friend' like that.

FWIW, I had a friend like this who I eventually cut all ties with when I was newly pregnant with DC1. She said some absolutely unforgivable things to me, and you know what? 4 years later and I haven't looked back. Not once Smile

sonjadog · 04/08/2015 18:50

She is having a tantrum about it now. I understand that you are reluctant to say your friendship is over now, so why not just let it go for a while and see what happens? It may be when she has calmed down and had some reflection she will realise how badly she has behaved. Or she may not and then you will be better off without her. In any case, some cooling off time would be good.

FenellaFellorick · 04/08/2015 18:54

She really isn't your friend.

you are useful to her - hence her thinking oh fuck I've screwed up here I need her to have my kids, I wonder if I can convince her to still do that...

Some people like friends who they feel 'better' than. See themselves as richer/slimmer/prettier/more successful/whatever. It makes them feel good. So when that person stops being that, they do whatever they can to put them down again. If they won't step back down, they turn on them.

Which is what she is now doing to you.

Flisspaps · 04/08/2015 19:01

Is there any chance she has a 'thing' for your DH?

Just with the snide remark she's made to him about you in the dress and then the 'men prefer curves' comment I wonder if that could be a possibility?

positivity123 · 04/08/2015 19:04

This may go against what a few people are saying but I don't think you should give up on the friendship you should just have a break from each other. Everybody makes mistakes and even if she is being nasty now she is probably going to feel like a real prat in a few days time. If I were you I would back off and don't get involved in any FB spat. Give it some time and in the future she might say sorry so leave that door open for her but I think that SHE must be the one to apologise and acknowledge that she was the one in the wrong. The older you get the harder it is to make old friends.

Original poster
WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 19:05

I don't think so Fliss but I don't know whats going through her head right now.

OP posts:
positivity123 · 04/08/2015 19:06

Well done on losing the weight Btw. It's a great achievement and one you should be really proud of

cuntycowfacemonkey · 04/08/2015 19:12

If friend B is a bit of a gossip then I wouldn't engage in any conversation about FB with her it will just stir things up. Keep a dignified silence on it and hide friend A on FB so you can ignore her daft posts

Aeroflotgirl · 04/08/2015 19:12

Exactly crabby, I wonder if posters would be quite so forgiving if op said her partner was doing this, I don't think so. Her behaviour would be an utter dealbreaker for me. I would rather have few friends, than a back stabbing and nasty spiteful oerson. Even if she did sincerely apologise, I woukd see her differently, and woukd not be as close as we were.

YouTheCat · 04/08/2015 19:19

Just think of losing this 'friend' as shedding a few more stones of unwanted fat. Grin

Well done, Wilbur - on the weight loss and standing up to a bully.

On a personal note, I've been doing the same as you and bought some size 16 jeans for the first time in 15 years today. God help anyone who rains on my parade. Grin

SkatesMcgee · 04/08/2015 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wristy · 04/08/2015 19:30

Yay OP, congrats on the weight loss.
I'm sorry your so-called friend is being a cow bag. She sounds like a spiteful, jealous, immature bitch tbh. It's a ditch the bitch from me I'm afraid, especially after her comments to your DH.

Fizrim · 04/08/2015 20:00

Wow, always entertaining to see someone in a hole who just won't stop digging!

It is a bit weird to try and justify yourself on FB as most people won't even know what is going on. Does her DH prefer the more curve-free figure IYSWIM? I wonder if he is making comments? Not your problem if he is though, she's not making herself look good and needs to stop!

Fizrim · 04/08/2015 20:02

Congrats to cat on the weight loss too! Wear those jeans with pride!

TheWatchersCouncil · 04/08/2015 20:18

She is jealous and insecure and she needs you to 'fail' at losing weight, and thereby validate her weight - both present and the contrast to how it used to be. If you succeed, as you are (and massive congratulations on what you're achieving!), then it demonstrates that change is possible, and if she remains as she is, then it is purely down to her. By vilifying you in your new changed state she is asserting the correctness of her own 'decision' to remain the way she is.
I think she knows full well that she was out of line. She has to admit it, apologise and not to it again. I think you may have to re-evaluate the friendship. I'm so sorry. Must really hurt.

fuzzpig · 04/08/2015 20:58

OP I agree with the poster who said she is probably hoping you stress eat back to your former size. What's that they say - the best revenge is living well? :o Keep going with what you're doing, she doesn't deserve another thought from you. Of course I can see why you're so upset though. Thanks

Wahey Cat! Well done to you too. I will be similarly proud if I can buy size 16s again! :o

I have started actually trying to lose weight now, and I've deliberately not told anyone except DH and MNers as I'm on a group thread. I am going really, really slowly (can't exercise due to illness anyway) so hoping any loss will be subtle enough for people not to really notice. I just don't want to get into a conversation about it with anyone IRL.

AyeAmarok · 04/08/2015 22:01

Well done on your fantastic weight loss so far OP.

This is all her issues, not yours.

She is clearly battling some demons of her own about her own weight, and is jealous that you are successfully addressing yours and doing well.

When we have jealousy or insecurities in ourselves that can make people think unpleasant things sometimes. You might try and reinforce that what you are is "better" than what someone else has, just to try and convince yourself.

However, that isn't what your friend is doing. She is intentionally trying to undermine you, your relationship with your husband, your weight loss, etc. That is cruel, devious and NOT what a friend does.

LadyPlumpington · 04/08/2015 22:04

Have you replied to meddling friend's text yet op? If not, then I'd recommend sending the following:

"I haven't been on FB so haven't seen anything. We've had a falling out so maybe that is something to do with it. I hope she is ok."

Then if she presses you for details say "I'd rather not talk about it if that's ok, still quite upset."

If she's not a meddling friend but a real one, she will respect your stated wishes. If she's a meddler, she will have no ammunition to take back to Cowbag Grin

Well done on your weight loss, it is a fabulous feeling! I lost 3 stone after having DS2 and have put 2 stone back on - am currently on a starve day (5:2 diet) in an attempt to redress the balance somewhat. Your thread has inspired me to keep going!

suzanneyeswecan · 04/08/2015 22:31

I noticed that the 'friend' called OP's husband a backstabber when actually it was the 'friend' who stabbed the OP in the back!Hmm

HopefulHamster · 04/08/2015 22:44

Well done OP. I'm sure this is tearing you up inside but none of this is your fault, it's all coming from her issues and I hope she realises that really soon. And apologises. A lot!

Annapurnacircuit · 04/08/2015 22:46

Not sure that I would send the meddling friend a text saying that you'd fallen out. I'd reply with a hadn't noticed anything and a virtual shrug of the shoulders.

Original poster
WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 22:50

I haven't replied to my other friends text, I think she's just looking for info. I'm not going to contact my friend. I'm going to leave it and see what happens. I will come back on here and update if I hear from her and thank you all for your advice it really does help to put things in perspective.

OP posts:
Mj41 · 04/08/2015 23:10

It sounds to me like she has real self esteem issues, and now that you are successfully losing weight (congratulations!) she is scared you will go off and find "better" friends and not want her anymore, so she is pushing you away before you get the chance.
I'm really not excusing her behaviour, but if she has always been a good friend to you, I would be tempted to leave a door open on the friendship to see if things settle down - it sounds like she really needs a good friend!