to really not know how to handle this situation with my friend (weight related)?

[WilburIsSomePig]

I put 'sabotage' in inverted commas because it sounds so bloody dramatic.

I am overweight. I started going to Slimming World in December last year and have lost weight very slowly (now at just over 2 stone loss) by trying to alter the way I cook etc. I have very normal meals (all the family do) I've just stopped adding to it with the 3 bags of crisps and about 4 bars of chocolate every day. I've tried very hard and it's coming off very slowly but I'm happy with that. I still have treats and when I go for a meal I will have what I like, drink what I like etc so I really don't feel like I'm on a 'diet' of any sort.

I didn't tell anyone I was starting SW but my close friend noticed I had lost a bit of weight at the start of the year and asked me how and decided to join me at the group etc. All great, it was fantastic to have her company and we supported each other. However, she decided to stop, again, fine by me as it's up to her. Now here's my problem. Since she stopped, the bitchy comments have started 'oh I don't suppose you'll eat anything now' (absolutely not true) and in front of other 'oh Wilbur doesn't eat these days she thinks she's a supermodel ha ha ha'. etc.

Last night I popped round to drop something off to her just after dinner and she said she'd bought some cakes for me and offered one to me. I said thanks but I'd just eaten and I'm maybe have it in a hour or so (which I would have, like I said, I don't deny anything I just have it in moderation). Then she said she'd bought wine for me. She doesn't drink and I never drink during the week, I never have and she knows this. When I said I'd rather have a cup of tea she tutted and muttered 'for fucks sake' under her breath. Er, What? It turns out I'm 'a stuck up cow' and think I'm better than her because I've lost a bit of weight and I need to live a little. I'm gutted. I never talk about losing weight because I get embarrassed about it and to be honest it bores me witless so I don't do it. I asked her what the hell is going on and she said she was sick to death of me in general because 'it's no fun being fat on your own'. (I'm still fat btw). So I left. I've got 3 missed calls from her on my phone which I haven't yet returned but I have no idea what to say to her. Where do I go from here?

I need to go out for a bit now but I would really appreciate some advice here. We've known each other for years and I'm gutted about this.

Wilbur I've just rtft and you've behaved perfectly.
Well done for losing the weight, sensible and slowly. I'm trying to do the same so am very pleased to see it working for someone else.

Friend B is clearly fishing so I wouldn't say anything that you wouldn't want friend A to hear.

Maybe with a bit of time you might be able to repair the relationship to a level for your kids to do play dates with hers.
May not be worth it though if the DH's could arrange them.

I've been in a situation with a friend that her nasty comments forced me to make a break from her. with hindsight I realise she was a user who once I changed a bit (became a bit more confident) she didn't like it because I wasn't as useful to her.
Great decision and once I got over the upset my life became easier without her.

Good luck in everything OP, you sound lovely.

wibur how was 'friend' today? I would certainly distance your self from her. Her behaviour has been awful, belittling you, making snide comments to yiur dh behind your back, and giving an extremely in insincere apology purely because she wants you to have her DC, putting the fault on you for not getting her 'humour' Not the traits of a good friend at all. Tell me, those who have suggesting keeping the door open, or forgiving her, would you say the same if op had said her partner was doing this to her since loosing weight. No, I think not!

I've been thinking about that exact question aeroflotgirl. I came to the conclusion that I can afford to have lower standards when it comes to my friends and their behaviour, because occasional crappiness from someone I don't live with or see everyday will have less of a lasting impact on me mentally. Such behaviour from a partner, on the other hand, would be far more hurtful and damaging in every way. With a friend you can pick things up later but with a residual emotional distance; not so possible with a partner.

That doesn't mean that I want or enjoy crappy behaviour from friends, just that I have more of a mental buffer in place to try and help them past the dark place they're in (if they happen to be in one, or if the evidence points that way). Of course if they're just being an unashamed arsehole then I don't bother!

Lady it is obviously hurting op or she would not be on here, it sounds regular so no it is not in a blue moon. I personally expect the same standards in a friend as I would a partner, hence I have a handful of true long term friends who would never treat me like this ever. Friends should be there to support you and enhance your life, this friend does nether. Life pus too short for crap.

It's not once or twice, it's every time op sees her which is quite regularly by the sounds of things. There is only so much crap you can take.

Well yes, I did say that if they're being an arsehole then my tolerance is severely limited - I was just answering your question about whether you'd put up with this behaviour from a partner aeroflotgirl. It's nice that all of your friends meet your high QC standards; most of mine do too, but one or two have got rather glaring issues which I alternately need to overlook/help them deal with. For instance, the most troublesome one (occasionally guilty of spreading bitchy gossip) was very supportive when I lost my mum because she'd lost a parent too - she sought me out and was simply, straightforwardly really kind. I don't think people should always be written off - it depends on the level of distress they regularly cause you.

op it appears that I need to clarify this (although I'm sure you understood my meaning to start with): your 'friend''s issues are sufficiently glaring that you can't help without getting hurt, so you need to take a massive step back and leave her to it. She has graduated from 'struggling friend' to 'maliciously bitchy ex-friend' IMO.

I agree lady, and yes I would be there for a friend in need, but like you said in the op case, tge friendship cannot be sustained if every interaction towRds op is negative and starts to affect her own self esteem and hurt, then it's time to take a step back.

OP i had similar from a work colleugue years ago Ive done SW twice I lost ten stone the first time which took 18 months from 2002 to 2004.

Regained 4 stone which ive lost at SW but its taken me the last two years.

The first time i had similar shit from a work colleugue in the office where i used to work.

I would turn up for work well before time and knock on the door (i wasnt a key holder) and she would deliberately keep me waiting and then tell the boss i was late.

Another time she would turn up at work and pick an argument and then while i was in another room she would phone the boss crying saying i was being nasty to her. I could have lost my job. I couldnt understand why she was so nice to the others who worked there but not me. It was a couple of the other girls who told me she had gone to an SW group too lost a stone and then given up. Boss sacked her in the end.

In your case though OP she is suppossed to be your friend. And what she said to your H was just bloody petty and nasty.

All shes worried about is losing her childminder.

Just thought id say IME the slower the weight comes off the less easy it is to put back on. You are doing this sensibly Congrats on your loss.

She is clearly jealous of you and becauSe for whatever reason she has decided to stop her weight loss plan. She wants to bring you down as well. But the thing is no one forced her to do this. Certainly not you. I mean it's not one of those instances where she is sticking to in strictly and you're losing a stone a week. And she is losing half a pound a month. And it's not like you're rubbing salt in the wounds.
I don't know what to advise. I can't tell you to cut contact aside from this she may be the best friend you could ever wish for, but although my situation is not the same as yours. It's still regarding "friends"
I had a group of friends once. I had Known them from school. I was always the outcast but some how remained friends with them long after school.
They never involved me in anything, were Godmother to each other's DC's. Any nights out. They conveniently could get in touch with me, yet miraculously they could get Intouch if they wanted anything. They must have thought I was more green than I was cabbage looking.
I could write a book but be here all day
Yes it took years to wake up and smell the coffee but now they are ex friends.
I saw one of them a few years ago. She said Hi I live whilst pushing a pram. I just looked right through her. She must have thought I was going to go all Dooey eyed over her baby. I'm coming over as a nasty bitch but she should have treated me properly, and as good as she treated all her other friends.
Sorry for babbling.
Well done on your weight loss so far.
Keep it up you're doing fantastic

Oh posted too quick.
Meant to also add a

Did you end up looking after the kids OP?

She's not your friend, she's your frenemy.

I'd be posting every SW certificate on FB each and every time...

Well I didn't hear a thing from her yesterday. I didn't have the children and checked my phone about a million times thinking she might text. I also (embarrassingly) stuffed my face yesterday and I do when I'm upset but I'm not going to beat myself up about that, its done now. Today is a fresh day.

Anyway I think I just need to draw a line under the whole thing and move on now. If she contacts me I'll listen to what she has to say, but I won't be contacting her. So that's that I suppose.

It's understandable. Yes today is a new day and a fresh start. Yes it sounds as though she is envious and jealous of yiu, yes she needs a friend, but it's not you right now. Keep up with your weight loss, your doing fanrastic, we all have our down days, keep it up

One day of stuffing your face won't hurt.

Good to draw a line under the last few days and start afresh.

Have read through and just wow!

Whoever wrote that friends should make you feel good about yourself is so right. Has really made me think about my close friendships and why they work.

You sound brilliant and well done on actually confronting 'friend' on her behaviour. I'm a notorious ostrich and would have festered for months over the situation. Yes it must be incredibly painful for you but at least (& quite rightly) she now knows the score.

Plan some nice things to do with your family; have some treats to look forward to.

Well done on the weigh loss BTW, you are absolutely doing it the right way. Don't let what's happened derail you.

Sorry to bring up thread after a few days but would like some advice.

I received a text from our mutual friend (aforementioned friend B, the one who likes to stir things a bit) telling me that my other friend has been telling people that I have cut her off without reason and she doesn't know what she's done, oh and that I let her down at the last minute re child care so she couldn't go to work (she wasn't actually going to work). She's posting on facebook about how awful it is finding out someone isn't what you think they are and all this type of shit. I've just checked FB and she has put all manner of this kind of crap on since the middle of last week. She apparently told friend B that she feels 'hurt and confused' and has tried to contact me but I haven't responded.

She hasn't contacted me at all since last Tuesday and I've just let it go hoping that a bit of space might help. Stupidly, I was hoping that maybe we could sort this out in the end.

Now it appears that she's bad mouthing me and clearly doesn't want our relationship to continue at all. DH thinks I should just rise above it and ignore, particularly since B loves to shit stir, but I feel if I do nothing I'm being a mug. This all sounds so pathetic and teenage and I really don't want to escalate things, I just want it all to go away.

How awful. Now yiur seeing her true colours, I woukd delete her off FB and from your life tbh, making up stuff.

Ignore her, she's trying to bait you into responding.

You know the truth, I hope you told the mutual friend what really happened and what was said.

Delete her from your FB and ignore her bitching.

Delete both of them.

Neither are your friends.

I know its hard to do sometimes but it is best to rise above it and ignore it.
I would tell shit stirrer you dont want to hear anymore about it.

I'd rise above it, completely ignore it and delete her off Facebook. If anyone asks to your face, just say, "Don't be ridiculous, I was waiting for the children to arrive and they didn't turn up. As she wasn't going to work I thought she wanted to take them out for the day and forgot to let me know."

I would probably post something in reply like 'do pop round and chat when you're free'. I'd be the adult in the situation and not stoop to her bad mouthing.

I wouldn't lie about the childcare. I'd be honest and say (if asked) that you are working hard to lose weight but shes constantly putting you down. Things blew up and you were far too upset and tearful to have the kids.