to really not know how to handle this situation with my friend (weight related)?

[WilburIsSomePig]

I put 'sabotage' in inverted commas because it sounds so bloody dramatic.

I am overweight. I started going to Slimming World in December last year and have lost weight very slowly (now at just over 2 stone loss) by trying to alter the way I cook etc. I have very normal meals (all the family do) I've just stopped adding to it with the 3 bags of crisps and about 4 bars of chocolate every day. I've tried very hard and it's coming off very slowly but I'm happy with that. I still have treats and when I go for a meal I will have what I like, drink what I like etc so I really don't feel like I'm on a 'diet' of any sort.

I didn't tell anyone I was starting SW but my close friend noticed I had lost a bit of weight at the start of the year and asked me how and decided to join me at the group etc. All great, it was fantastic to have her company and we supported each other. However, she decided to stop, again, fine by me as it's up to her. Now here's my problem. Since she stopped, the bitchy comments have started 'oh I don't suppose you'll eat anything now' (absolutely not true) and in front of other 'oh Wilbur doesn't eat these days she thinks she's a supermodel ha ha ha'. etc.

Last night I popped round to drop something off to her just after dinner and she said she'd bought some cakes for me and offered one to me. I said thanks but I'd just eaten and I'm maybe have it in a hour or so (which I would have, like I said, I don't deny anything I just have it in moderation). Then she said she'd bought wine for me. She doesn't drink and I never drink during the week, I never have and she knows this. When I said I'd rather have a cup of tea she tutted and muttered 'for fucks sake' under her breath. Er, What? It turns out I'm 'a stuck up cow' and think I'm better than her because I've lost a bit of weight and I need to live a little. I'm gutted. I never talk about losing weight because I get embarrassed about it and to be honest it bores me witless so I don't do it. I asked her what the hell is going on and she said she was sick to death of me in general because 'it's no fun being fat on your own'. (I'm still fat btw). So I left. I've got 3 missed calls from her on my phone which I haven't yet returned but I have no idea what to say to her. Where do I go from here?

I need to go out for a bit now but I would really appreciate some advice here. We've known each other for years and I'm gutted about this.

Her apology wasent very sincere, it's because she wanted you to have her kids, so it was a half hearted one. Yes she is envious, yes she feels down about herself most probably, but she is not behaving like a good friend. Tbh I would not do her any favours until she gives you a proper apology and stops being a total shit to you.

She's not sorry. She's blaming being a cow on pmt? That's crap.

Unfortunately this situation is not fixable unless you stay fat or she gets thin. She is showing her true colours (all shades of green with jealousy!) and all you can do is distance yourself and keep your guard up.

Sounds like you're seeing her true colours for the first time, glad your dh is being supportive and is aware you deserve a better friend than her. Good luck op, you don't need this person in your life.

Yes if this was a partner Mumsnetters woukd have a different view. This behaviour is shitty friend or partner, if she carries on being shitty to you, despite you telling her that she hurt you, I would let this friendship slide.

I lost a friend when I lost weight with SW. She started going and I joined her a couple of weeks later. I had steady weight loss and reached my goal in 4 months. She fluctuated a lot and I am not sure if she ever got to target, because once I got to target she found all sorts of excuses to bitch about me. A year or so later this culminated in a massively public one-sided bust up, although I am still none the wiser to what I had actually done. This was all also played out on FB! So, she hadn't spoken to me, and deliberately ignores me, for several months now. Mutual friends say that this is all founded in my weight loss (3 stone). As others have said, envy is an ugly emotion.

I think your focus on losing weight has shone a spotlight on her own inability to do so and she's taking it out on you. She was perfectly happy when you were both overweight together - you were like a club of two. As she sees it, you've destroyed the harmony of it by being your own person and making your own choices, choices that she is unable to make.

I'm guessing that a lot of the stuff you've done together in the past has been suggested by her, she's possibly been the more dominant one in the relationship and you've changed the dynamic and she's fighting that. I may be entirely wrong of course, this is just cod psychology

LTB

You have to call her out on the comment she made to your DH. She can't then keep dismissing you as over sensitive if she knows other people think her "jokes" are out of line.

For all I'm saying it try and discuss it and solve it, if she isn't willing to apologise and find another outlet for her misery you shouldn't feel any guilt in telling her to do one.
I can't claim credit for it but somebody once told one of my friends about someone similar 'everybody wants a fat friend and sadly you ain't it anymore'

she also needs to explain why she said that awful thing about you to your husband

You have seen her true colours, by all means try to have another chat about how her comment hurt you and await a proper apology, not one half hearted one as she wants you to have her kids. If she reacts the same again, distance, life is too short.

Firstly, for your weight loss; you're doing awesomely well

She is as jealous as sin of your weight loss. End of. If she didn't want to lose weight, she would never have joined SW. If she couldn't/didn't want to fully commit to it, as you have, that's purely her problem.

I would still have her kids tomorrow, but only because, as you've said, the kids get on well and enjoy each others' company. Hell would freeze over before I did her any more favours though.

There is absolutely no reason why you should stay overweight to keep her happy. This is her issue to resolve as she sees fit. Bitching about you is all very well (except it clearly isn't!) but that doesn't make her any thinner. I'd be cutting her off until I got a sincere apology and some sort of assurance from her that her snide comments would stop.

Even if she did apologise to you, this would be a dealbreaker for the friendship, I woukd not be close to her anymore.

I think actually the comment to your husband would be the deal breaker for me. It's like she wanted to encourage him to mock you and laugh at you behind your back too, probably hoping he would say something unkind too and that is rather unforgivable IMO.

she is jealous, unhappy and she is taking it out on you

I think the friendship can be salvaged but you need to be clear

(a) don't take it out on me
(b) if you are unhappy, come and join me again!

sounds like she fucked up, as we humans so often do X

Well done on your weight loss.

Your friend knows exactly what she's doing. As you said she has been making comments for a while, bitching to your dh (and probably others) and then last night. She couldn't even apologise to you.

If she was your friend and you told her this morning that she had upset you, she should have bent over backwards to apologise. Friends don't try and upset each other.

Personally I wouldn't look after the children tomorrow I think it's too soon. You really need to think about what to say to her and not let her just dismiss how upset you are.

This person is not your friend.
I'm sorry.
It's awful when people who you care about show you their real colours.
But....when someone tells you who they are....listen.
X

Congrats on your weight loss!

Everyone here is correct, I lost 9 stone a long time ago and several friends with it, all of them overweight themselves. It was very difficult. This is extremely common. Some people can't stand it when other people inadvertently shine a light on their own flaws.

Do you think she would apologize if you weren't due to have her children tomorrow? I would cut her out, do not have her children tomorrow either. What a cow.

I've been jealous of my friends' weight losses in the past, and I've also seen other friends struggle when I (finally) did something about my weight. Must admit I kept my feelings to myself though!

I wouldn't have her children unless you really want to see them - and keep some distance from her. If she is a good friend who is temporarily struggling with jealousy she will come to her senses in a few days or so and will be very apologetic. A bit of distance might help her find some perspective.

It's a real manipulator's trick to rubbish your feelings...."you're too sensitive......it was only a joke......etc etc" that's further belittling you and trying to discredit your genuine reasons for being upset. I would respond HARD to this - as she is using bullying tactics. "No, I'm not being over sensitive, YOU were rude and are now trying to backtrack, and it isn't the first time. Don't take out your issues surrounding your feelings on my weight loss, on me. Deal with it and keep your comments to yourself". Or similar!

From yes we do fuck up, but we don't be fave like that to our friends. Would you accept that from a partner, no probably not, so you wouldn't,dent a friend. She is not a true friend, the comment to yiur husband mocking yiu behind your back is disgusting.

I had a friend do this to me recently and we've been best friends for well over 35 years. She ridiculed me over something by text and when we tried to sort it out over the phone it turned into an absolutely horrible argument .

We have stayed friends as obviously over that amount of time you do have the odd spat but it is very clearly in my mind and things have shifted a bit since then.

Part of me has sympathy with your friend and even with mine as I can understand how if you are very unhappy with an aspect of your life then it can manifest itself as envy or jealousy and I think we tend to be the harshest with people we are closest to as the filters are all dropped somewhat by familiarity.

I would try and talk it over with her if I were you, be firm that you are and were hurt by what she said and that it is totally unacceptable. My friend did the whole 'you are being over sensitive' 'lost your sense of humour' thing and I told her in no uncertain terms that she was been utterly insensitive and unnecessarily cruel - not sure that she would ever see it that way but she did apologise.

Horrible for you and I totally understand how you feel.

Well done by the way!!

The comment to your husband would be my deal breaker too.

Why would a friend say that to anyone, let alone the person you are married to?

There was real nastiness there.

Whatever her reasons for saying it, her true colours were showing right there. Because it was either done to cause trouble or she genuinely believed that he would agree with her because she really thought you looked bad in the dress.

Good for him for calling her out on it rather than saying nothing to keep the peace or whatever.

She's sounding more and more like a nasty piece of work. She hasn't properly apologised, she's made an excuse, then called you overly sensitive and ridiculous (so blamed you for your feelings rather than herself for her actions) and still expects a favour from you.

Regardless of her unhappiness with herself, she's being awful to you and you don't deserve it.

From my own experience (not of weight loss, which I could do with, but of overcoming some self confidence issues) I have noticed that people don't like it when someone changes, particularly if it's a change for the better about themselves. Often people resent it, or feel criticised themselves by it, or worry about how your changes will affect them.

You clearly want to lose weight and are working hard at it, so for you it's a change for the better.

I took part in a course on self-awareness, which has made me realise that I didn't have to be a doormat all the time. I had grown up believing I lacked confidence and wasn't good enough, and had to put up with anything rather than rock the boat, when all along it's been something other people have told me I was, not something I really was. I grew up believing it, so it became true. Once I'd realised this, I felt more confident, I stood up for myself more, and I started a college course I hadn't felt I would be good enough to do and would never pass.

I've just finished my first year and came away from the exam with the highest grade.

But some people haven't liked it. They say I've changed like it's a bad thing, but I feel better, happier, more confident and I'm working towards a career I know I will love and which will improve my life and my family's circumstances. What's bad about that? Nothing for me, but the people who resent it have their own issues to deal with. Nobody should expect you to be unhappy with yourself just so they can feel better about themselves instead.

I would send cuntycowface's message or do as manatee has suggested and ask her to come in and talk, but only if you really want to try to save the friendship and move on. And you can only do that if she is prepared to take ownership of her behaviour. But I wouldn't blame you one bit if you wanted to just let the friendship go now.