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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really not know how to handle this situation with my friend (weight related)?

217 replies

WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 09:02

I put 'sabotage' in inverted commas because it sounds so bloody dramatic.

I am overweight. I started going to Slimming World in December last year and have lost weight very slowly (now at just over 2 stone loss) by trying to alter the way I cook etc. I have very normal meals (all the family do) I've just stopped adding to it with the 3 bags of crisps and about 4 bars of chocolate every day. I've tried very hard and it's coming off very slowly but I'm happy with that. I still have treats and when I go for a meal I will have what I like, drink what I like etc so I really don't feel like I'm on a 'diet' of any sort.

I didn't tell anyone I was starting SW but my close friend noticed I had lost a bit of weight at the start of the year and asked me how and decided to join me at the group etc. All great, it was fantastic to have her company and we supported each other. However, she decided to stop, again, fine by me as it's up to her. Now here's my problem. Since she stopped, the bitchy comments have started 'oh I don't suppose you'll eat anything now' (absolutely not true) and in front of other 'oh Wilbur doesn't eat these days she thinks she's a supermodel ha ha ha'. etc.

Last night I popped round to drop something off to her just after dinner and she said she'd bought some cakes for me and offered one to me. I said thanks but I'd just eaten and I'm maybe have it in a hour or so (which I would have, like I said, I don't deny anything I just have it in moderation). Then she said she'd bought wine for me. She doesn't drink and I never drink during the week, I never have and she knows this. When I said I'd rather have a cup of tea she tutted and muttered 'for fucks sake' under her breath. Er, What? It turns out I'm 'a stuck up cow' and think I'm better than her because I've lost a bit of weight and I need to live a little. I'm gutted. I never talk about losing weight because I get embarrassed about it and to be honest it bores me witless so I don't do it. I asked her what the hell is going on and she said she was sick to death of me in general because 'it's no fun being fat on your own'. (I'm still fat btw). So I left. I've got 3 missed calls from her on my phone which I haven't yet returned but I have no idea what to say to her. Where do I go from here?

I need to go out for a bit now but I would really appreciate some advice here. We've known each other for years and I'm gutted about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 15:11

Well I've just got back from her house and it looks like our friendship is over.

I felt it was better to speak to her face to face and try to sort it out. She said that she thinks I'm deliberately misunderstanding what she said so that I can fall out with her and be with my 'slimming world pals'. {I don't have any SW pals, I go to group and come home, that's it). I told her that I was there because I didn't want to fall out with her and I was trying to be honest about how she had made me feel. She says that I chose to feel that way and that she was just having a laugh. I told her that DH told me what she said behind my back so she called him a backstabbing twat.

I'm afraid I kind of lost my temper and told her to go fuck herself. (Not exactly grown up I know). So that's how it is. Sad Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 15:13

Oh, and now I can't stop crying like a twat.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/08/2015 15:16

You've seen a different side to her now.

You have to ask yourself if you want to remain friends now that you've seen the other side of her, if she's happy to be bitch to your own dh about you behind her back then she clearly has no boundaries.

She realised she'd shot herself in the foot when her childcare plans were potentially going tits up, she wasn't concerned about your feelings.

Think on that.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/08/2015 15:17

Sorry I type like a snail. Blush xpost!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/08/2015 15:18

Well done op, she has shown herself for the nasty piece of work she is, had the nerve to call yiur dh backstabbing (big huge laugh). She is minimal using your feelings, and making out you are lying. She is not a true friend, true friends woukd feel happy for you and support you. Life's too short for that shit.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/08/2015 15:19

Have a Brew.

VerityWaves · 04/08/2015 15:19

She is jealous and trying to undercut your weight loss.
Don't let her.

MsRinky · 04/08/2015 15:22

Oh you poor thing. Well done on your weight-loss, and I'm sorry your "friend" has turned out to be such a nasty jealous bitch.

MillionToOneChances · 04/08/2015 15:24

Oh Wilbur, that sucks :( I agree with all PPs that it's jealousy. Her comment about your Slimming World pals proves it. And what a reaction to you mentioning what she said to your husband - no remorse. Onwards and upwards, but I know it'll hurt.

diddl · 04/08/2015 15:29

She's not worth the tears.

As for this

"hope you didn't take me seriously, are you still OK to have the kids tomorrow?'.

Talk about looking after nr 1!

You won't be having her kids, will you?

Hedgehogsdontbite · 04/08/2015 15:33

I think you're well rid. Jealousy is so ugly.

iamEarthymama · 04/08/2015 15:40

I have had these sly comments and it really hurts.
I haven't even lost much weight!

She is being an idiot, I hope she gets her head around this and says sorry.

sunshinerunner · 04/08/2015 15:44

Oh Wilbur you poor thing Sad. I feel for you I really do, of course you will mourn the friendship and feel very upset that she clearly doesn't care enough to apologise and make amends.

So hurtful Flowers.

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 04/08/2015 15:56

I'm sorry Flowers

This is totally out of jealousy. She doesn't deserve your tears.

Original poster
WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 15:58

I don't know what to do now. I love her kids and I know she loves mine too. Our DH's are friends too. What a fucking mess.

I can't have the kids tomorrow, not because I'm being spiteful but because I'm really not in the right frame of mind to see her so soon.

OP posts:
laffymeal · 04/08/2015 15:59

You sound so lovely op, you don't need this crap.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/08/2015 16:02

After all this you still want to be her friend Shock. It's over because of her behaviour. How can you have a one sided friendship based on nastiness and bitching. Forget her, I know you like her kids, but that's life, she caused this, not you. Please have a gallon of self esteem and walk away from this, you deserve better, I am sorry op she is not a friend.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/08/2015 16:03

Of course you shouldn't have the children.

Text her and say that under the circumstances you won't be able to have them.

If she unleashes more vitriol at you just ignore her and move on.

suzanneyeswecan · 04/08/2015 16:04

she's probably hoping that the stress of falling out with her will drive you to cake!

cuntycowfacemonkey · 04/08/2015 16:04

Aww Wilbur Sad Flowers

Take heart though my lovely at the fact you are clearly a much stronger person than she is for a number of reasons.

a) You've been able to stick at a diet she clearly wants to but isn't able to
b) You stood up for yourself, many people would have not had the balls to call their close friend on their behaviour.
c) You gave her an opportunity to save the friendship when you went to see her. Despite her behaviour you wanted to salvage the relationship and she chose not too. You are a far more gracious person than she is.

For what it's worth I think you should hold you head up high and be very proud of yourself

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 04/08/2015 16:07

What a horrible situation for you Wilbur, the desolation at the potential to lose what 'has been' a mutually beneficial and enjoyable relationship is understandably hard to take. Trying to think what I'd do in same situation, in all honestly I'd probably just leave the ball in her court and completely back off and let her do the running if she finally admits what a bitch she is being. Harder too when you're thinking of the kids relationships as well.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 04/08/2015 16:09

Like others have said, hold your head up high as you have certainly done nothing wrong. Watch out for what reasons she may give others for your 'falling out' though.

achieve6 · 04/08/2015 16:10

I would be blunt with her and see what happens

say "I feel a real friend should be happy for me. Do we need to dial back our friendship but let the DCs carry on with theirs?"

I suspect she will be shocked as it sounds as if she is brushing this all under the carpet but I think it's a fair question to ask.

the softly-softly approach will involve prompting hard questions on envy so I actually think that could be worse IYSWIM.

Spartans · 04/08/2015 16:14

Oh OP I am so sorry she has been so awful.

It's sounds like that for a while the friendship has been, for her, just about you both being overweight. It's made her feel better and I think if you didn't look after her kids and had stayed slimmer while she gained weight, the friendship would have been over a longtime ago.

Fizrim · 04/08/2015 16:25

Run off with your SW pals? How old is she, she sounds like a toddler! She seems to be in total denial, she is rude about your dress to your DH (don't tell me this is a person who 'tells it like it is') and he's the backstabbing one if he tells you?

I'd give her some space but she may not come to her senses. Sorry you are so upset. It's disappointing to hear that other posters have lost friends along with weight too, what happened to being pleased for people?!

Loved the expression used by SolidGoldBrass as well, 'there are reasons but not excuses'.

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