Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really not know how to handle this situation with my friend (weight related)?

217 replies

WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 09:02

I put 'sabotage' in inverted commas because it sounds so bloody dramatic.

I am overweight. I started going to Slimming World in December last year and have lost weight very slowly (now at just over 2 stone loss) by trying to alter the way I cook etc. I have very normal meals (all the family do) I've just stopped adding to it with the 3 bags of crisps and about 4 bars of chocolate every day. I've tried very hard and it's coming off very slowly but I'm happy with that. I still have treats and when I go for a meal I will have what I like, drink what I like etc so I really don't feel like I'm on a 'diet' of any sort.

I didn't tell anyone I was starting SW but my close friend noticed I had lost a bit of weight at the start of the year and asked me how and decided to join me at the group etc. All great, it was fantastic to have her company and we supported each other. However, she decided to stop, again, fine by me as it's up to her. Now here's my problem. Since she stopped, the bitchy comments have started 'oh I don't suppose you'll eat anything now' (absolutely not true) and in front of other 'oh Wilbur doesn't eat these days she thinks she's a supermodel ha ha ha'. etc.

Last night I popped round to drop something off to her just after dinner and she said she'd bought some cakes for me and offered one to me. I said thanks but I'd just eaten and I'm maybe have it in a hour or so (which I would have, like I said, I don't deny anything I just have it in moderation). Then she said she'd bought wine for me. She doesn't drink and I never drink during the week, I never have and she knows this. When I said I'd rather have a cup of tea she tutted and muttered 'for fucks sake' under her breath. Er, What? It turns out I'm 'a stuck up cow' and think I'm better than her because I've lost a bit of weight and I need to live a little. I'm gutted. I never talk about losing weight because I get embarrassed about it and to be honest it bores me witless so I don't do it. I asked her what the hell is going on and she said she was sick to death of me in general because 'it's no fun being fat on your own'. (I'm still fat btw). So I left. I've got 3 missed calls from her on my phone which I haven't yet returned but I have no idea what to say to her. Where do I go from here?

I need to go out for a bit now but I would really appreciate some advice here. We've known each other for years and I'm gutted about this.

OP posts:
BabyGanoush · 04/08/2015 16:27

How annoying for you.

This sort of niggly "small" thing can really chip away at a friendship.

Stay strong

fuzzpig · 04/08/2015 16:27

She deserved what you said. You deserve better friends Thanks

Well done on your weightloss BTW - sounds like a really sensible approach and one that will last long-term.

suzanneyeswecan · 04/08/2015 16:30

if only she could admit that she is struggling to cope with the change in you, you sound like you have a very good approach to weight loss and would be the perfect person to be supportive for her.

Maybe give her some time and space and she may come round?

Original poster
WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 16:51

I hope so Suzanne. I know people fuck up, I've done it plenty of times myself but I've never deliberately hurt someone and I feel like she just doesn't care about what she said and thinks its OK. I've also had a text from another friend asking if I'd been on FB (which I haven't) and asking if my friend is alright because she's posting a load of 'men prefer curves' crap etc on there. This is all so out of character for her I'm worried she's having some kind of breakdown.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/08/2015 16:54

She's not having a breakdown, she's just pissed off that you've stood up to her.

FundamentalistQuaker · 04/08/2015 17:01

She may be under a lot of pressure from her DH or family to lose weight. Perhaps they've all been using you as an example?

Doesn't really matter, it just does not excuse how she spoke to you, and about you and her lack of remorse for it.

BrushtheHeat · 04/08/2015 17:02

Wow, haven't commented yet but just had to point out how this kind of proves how she has been using you to convince herself that her choices are ok. FWIW I'm larger and do find it hard when a friend or family loses weight. It highlights to me how unhealthy I am and makes me inferior that I haven't got the same self control. But I have never criticised anyone for doing what's right for them, no matter how shit I feel. And this latest behaviour is very pa and bullying. To then take this personal matter onto the realm of fb is another thing entirely. Rise above it! Also well done OP, you sound like you're doing great!

Hygge · 04/08/2015 17:02

I'm sorry Wilbur, she's behaved really badly right through all of this.

She's behaved badly and is now trying to blame you for it, and no doubt that's what she's say to her DH or other friends as well. That you are the one who has changed and deliberately misunderstood her or can't take the joke.

You are worth so much more than that, especially as you have tried so hard to talk to her and salvage your friendship right through all of this.

I think I would leave her be now, wait until she contacts you, make a judgement based on what she has to say when she does. And hopefully it won't be some nonsense about PMT and not getting the joke. Perhaps then, I would send the text that achieve suggested, saying that you feel a real friend would be happy for you and that from your point of view you have done nothing differently in the friendship except tell her that her jokes were very hurtful.

I hope you're okay OP, I'm so sorry that she's upset you so much. I hope your DH is home to comfort you. I can understand why you are crying, and that's not your fault either. An attack out of the blue by someone you care for is horrible. Flowers

ChestyNut · 04/08/2015 17:18

Flowers for you OP.

Well done on your weight loss.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/08/2015 17:20

wibur who know, but the way she has behaved towards you, is appealing, the comment to your dh behind your back. Whatever she is going through, she has treated you like shit.

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2015 17:22

She's not having a breakdown! She's having a massive temper tantrum.

I know this sounds childish, but this would give me a hell of an incentive to lose more weight!

BrushtheHeat · 04/08/2015 17:27

yy! imperial Grin

CheesyNachos · 04/08/2015 17:30

Yep temper tantrum.

Is she usually a Queen Bee type who has to be slightly better than those around her?

BrushtheHeat · 04/08/2015 17:30

listening to the Smiths Bigmouth Strikes Again and the lyrics are very apt as spoken by her. Only joking indeed!

OTheHugeManatee · 04/08/2015 17:37

Well, wow. What a fucking bitch. You hiked over there to speak to her so you could sort things out and she did what??? I think you're well out of that one. Well done for trying to sort things, and well done for walking away and not letting her continue to use you to prop up her obviously sour and shrunken sense of self.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/08/2015 17:50

I fucking hate "only joking" - it's the cowards way out.

I hope with the passage of time she will come to her senses and apologise to you properly OP.

goldenhen · 04/08/2015 17:50

She sounds really unhappy, but at least you've said your piece (and telling her to go fuck herself was totally justified in the circumstances!).

I'd back off and keep an open mind about what happens next. You might not be friends in the future, yes, but equally she might be having a breakdown as you say! Or she might see the error of her ways and apologise. Or relations might cool a bit but in time you'll pick up the friendship again (but perhaps always keep a bit of distance because you know what she's capable of). You don't know. The ball's in her court, it's up to her to step up to the plate and start behaving like an adult.

Spartans · 04/08/2015 17:51

She isn't having a break down. She is pissed of that she has been caught being a bitch and won't roll over and take it/pretend everything is ok.

TouchOfNatural · 04/08/2015 17:52

I'm afraid that with success in something... Whether it be weight loss, a job promotion etc. you will get those who are genuinely happy for you and you'll get those who aren't.. And you'd be surprised by who isn't genuinely happy for you.

I've lost 'friends' due to career success :(

You don't need this negativity and drain in your life, minimising your wonderful achievement. Sad for the kids and hubbies though. Lie low and don't go to her again. Hopefully she will cool down and realise what a knob she's been and apologise.

The80sweregreat · 04/08/2015 18:02

She is jealous. Good for you for keeping it going. Well done!

Mintyy · 04/08/2015 18:06

Gosh that's really weird about the text message from your mutual friend about Facebook. Why on earth would she contact you about that then? How incredibly peculiar. Does she know about this argument?

temporarilyjerry · 04/08/2015 18:13

You've lost 2 st. You're not wasting your money or your time. Congrats.

BrushtheHeat · 04/08/2015 18:17

come to think of it, mintyy has a very good point...

CrabbyTheCrabster · 04/08/2015 18:34

She is not a true friend. Friends do not behave like that.

I am really surprised that posters are still suggesting giving her another chance. That would be absolutely it for me, I'm afraid - she has shown no insight or genuine contrition for being a 5* bitch and so nasty and hurtful.

areyoubeingserviced · 04/08/2015 18:36

The fact that she spoke to your dh , just shows that she is a nasty, vindictive individual.
She is NOT your friend.