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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really not know how to handle this situation with my friend (weight related)?

217 replies

WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 09:02

I put 'sabotage' in inverted commas because it sounds so bloody dramatic.

I am overweight. I started going to Slimming World in December last year and have lost weight very slowly (now at just over 2 stone loss) by trying to alter the way I cook etc. I have very normal meals (all the family do) I've just stopped adding to it with the 3 bags of crisps and about 4 bars of chocolate every day. I've tried very hard and it's coming off very slowly but I'm happy with that. I still have treats and when I go for a meal I will have what I like, drink what I like etc so I really don't feel like I'm on a 'diet' of any sort.

I didn't tell anyone I was starting SW but my close friend noticed I had lost a bit of weight at the start of the year and asked me how and decided to join me at the group etc. All great, it was fantastic to have her company and we supported each other. However, she decided to stop, again, fine by me as it's up to her. Now here's my problem. Since she stopped, the bitchy comments have started 'oh I don't suppose you'll eat anything now' (absolutely not true) and in front of other 'oh Wilbur doesn't eat these days she thinks she's a supermodel ha ha ha'. etc.

Last night I popped round to drop something off to her just after dinner and she said she'd bought some cakes for me and offered one to me. I said thanks but I'd just eaten and I'm maybe have it in a hour or so (which I would have, like I said, I don't deny anything I just have it in moderation). Then she said she'd bought wine for me. She doesn't drink and I never drink during the week, I never have and she knows this. When I said I'd rather have a cup of tea she tutted and muttered 'for fucks sake' under her breath. Er, What? It turns out I'm 'a stuck up cow' and think I'm better than her because I've lost a bit of weight and I need to live a little. I'm gutted. I never talk about losing weight because I get embarrassed about it and to be honest it bores me witless so I don't do it. I asked her what the hell is going on and she said she was sick to death of me in general because 'it's no fun being fat on your own'. (I'm still fat btw). So I left. I've got 3 missed calls from her on my phone which I haven't yet returned but I have no idea what to say to her. Where do I go from here?

I need to go out for a bit now but I would really appreciate some advice here. We've known each other for years and I'm gutted about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 12:04

Thank you all for replies. I've spoken to her now and to be honest I feel even worse. I rang her back and she said something along the lines of 'phew I think I must have had PMS last night, hope you didn't take me seriously, are you still OK to have the kids tomorrow?'.

I was a bit taken aback. I told her that she really upset me last night and I don't think I'd done anything to warrant her slagging off. She told me I was being over sensitive and ridiculous. I said I wasn't and it all got a bit tit for tat so I said I had to go and hung up. She's just texted me to ask if I can still have her children tomorrow.

I feel a twat. We've been friends for years, (we were both pretty slim when we met, if that's in any way relevant), I am godmother to her DS. We've NEVER had a crossed word, very equal friendship normally and I don't know where this is coming from. We always have such a laugh together and now I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
suzanneyeswecan · 04/08/2015 12:05

She didn't join you at slimming world because she wanted to lose weight with you, her intention was to join then give up and have you also give up.
She wants to continue with her lifestyle and she wants you to fall in with her so that she can feel that it is normal and acceptable to be overweight.

had you both joined and then left SW it would serve to reinforce the belief that losing weight is not a realistic goal and so the rational thing to do is to relax and go with the flow of mainstream culture in which the majority have a lifestyle which leads to obesity ?
?

suzanneyeswecan · 04/08/2015 12:09

we were both pretty slim when we met, if that's in any way relevant

I'd say very relevant, you started out as equals, she wants to stay as equals hence the strong urge to bring you back down to her level.
?
she wants to see becoming over weight as a natural and inevitable process, not something which is a personal failure of hers

Original poster
WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 12:10

Your comment really made me think Suzanne. When she gave up she did say that she didn't expect me to give up but there were a lot of 'you're wasting your time/money' and 'I don't know why you bother' comments.

OP posts:
scarlets · 04/08/2015 12:11

Congratulations! I bet you look fab. Envy is natural, but most people overcome it and try hard to feel glad for their successful friend. She has failed to overcome it, and is to be pitied for that. Be nice. Rise above it.

The5DayChicken · 04/08/2015 12:11

Well there wasn't an apology in there Wilbur! Were you having her children so she could do something important? If not, I'd say no and that you're not going to be insulted without apology and still do her favours.

WhoNickedMyName · 04/08/2015 12:12

Sadly, I've seen this scenario with pretty much everyone I know that has lost weight - somewhere in the friendship group, family, or amongst work colleagues there is a saboteur who was validated by not being 'the fattest one' or 'the only fat one' and they can't handle the change, the blossoming and the new found confidence of the person who has lost weight.

Given your friend can't see what she's done wrong, refuses to even acknowledge your hurt and upset, and appears to only be interested in free childcare, I'd say it's friendship over.

Original poster
WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 12:14

Not really Chicken, I was just having them so she could do some bits and pieces and I love having them anyway, they are good friends with my DCs and I don't want that to change.

Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
suzanneyeswecan · 04/08/2015 12:14

I'm not sure she is necessarily being deliberately and consciously malicious, more that she feels threatened and implicitly criticised by the changes in you and this is her knee jerk response.

I'm not trying to excuse her horridness though, more trying to explain it! ?

cuntycowfacemonkey · 04/08/2015 12:15

So she's not sorry but would still like you to look after her kids? Not much of a friend is she?

Panzee · 04/08/2015 12:17

Aw that was a rubbish phone call. At least you know now. Go and find some nice people to be friends with.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 04/08/2015 12:18

I'd say "Yes I'm still having the dc's tomorrow, mine are looking forward to it but please don't take that to mean I'm not still hurt and upset by your behaviour, I don't understand where it's all coming from but it's not how friends treat each other, I hope you can see that otherwise I'm not sure where that leaves us"

SolidGoldBrass · 04/08/2015 12:21

It is also true that, despite everyone having the right to do as they see fit with their own bodies, when one previously fat person among several successfully loses weight, the others may come under more pressure from other people - your friend is acceptably thin now, you fat cow, why are you still eating cake?
Because we live in a culture that thinks everything about women's bodies is other people's business and that women being comfortable with their own bodies is dangerous and wicked.

Lurkedforever1 · 04/08/2015 12:24

She's jealous pure and simple.
I'm naturally thin, my friends and acquaintances range from also thin, to wanting to lose a stone for appearance, to morbidly obese. When anyone has been trying to lose weight, all but one are supportive.
One morbidly obese person puts everyone else down. Eg I must be bulimic and look like a skeleton, the person who works hard to stay slim is obsessed, the person who got back to a 12 still looks fat and dumpy next to the thin ones, the size 10 one loves herself, the other morbidly obese person shouldn't try because men prefer curves, she might have toned up her stomach but look at her arse etc etc. Never to anyones face, she sticks to just snide digs about eating habits in public.
I don't think she's actually just a vindictive twat. Just miserably unhappy about her own body, and slating others to boost her self esteem and justify her own lack of motivation in losing weight.
I'm not saying your friend must also be doing the two faced insults, but I bet the cause is the same. If you think she's aware on some level herself that she's doing it because of her unhappiness then I would sit down and discuss that with her and try and come up with other ways you can both work together to boost her self esteem that don't involve sabotaging your diet.

SnapesCapes · 04/08/2015 12:24

I think I'd be saying that, no, actually, you won't be having her children tomorrow since she spoke to you like utter shit, perhaps she can find better friends to have them.

What a jealous, awful woman. Well done on sticking with SW and losing weight, you're clearly doing fabulously and she envies your stamina. Balls to her and her inept excuse for an apology. Either you apologise and mean it or you STFU and stand your ground. Accusing people of being oversensitive is feeble and doesn't qualify as an apology at all, it just deflects your shitty behaviour onto them.

Stratter5 · 04/08/2015 12:25

If your DH had done this, what do you think mners would have responded with?

Exactly this.

Just because you've been friends with someone for a long time, doesn't give them the right to ride roughshod over your feelings, neither does it mean that you have to continue with the friendship.

And it's very telling that she still wanted to know if you'd have her children. A real friend would accept and acknowledge your feelings, not try to minimise them, then want to know if you can still do her a favour. Do you really need this person in your life? What positives does she bring?

confusedandemployed · 04/08/2015 12:25

That was a rubbish phone call. But at this stage, if you refuse to have her kids then it's a good bet that your friendship will be over. It's your call as to whether you're prepared for that to happen.

That said, I'm not sure I could just say "Yes, I'll have your kids" without a dissenting murmur. I would try to lay my cards on the table as openly as possible.

"I'm happy to have your kids and I'm not going to let a disagreement between us get in the way of the DC seeing each other. However, if you can't see how unfair you were last night and why your behaviour upset me then perhaps we have different views on lots of things in this life".

Original poster
WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 12:25

DH has been a bit funny about her recently, not wanting to spend time with her etc., which is not like him as they are friend too. He's just told me that she made a comment to him a couple of weeks ago about me wearing a dress (was a very normal maxi dress) that 'she's not quite thin enough to wear yet'. He didn't tell me at the time because he knew I'd be hurt but he told her it wasn't exactly a nice thing to say and she brushed it off saying it was a joke. I'm so fucking pissed off now, this has obviously been brewing for a while.

OP posts:
cuntycowfacemonkey · 04/08/2015 12:29

Actually I take my advice back after your last post. God what a bitch! Tell her your DH mentioned her shitty comment about the dress and actually you'd rather keep your distance as what are "jokes" to her as are just plain nastiness to you.

PoppyShakespeare · 04/08/2015 12:31

she's mean Angry nobody is going to encourage you to stay friends with someone who is being horrible to you and about you

DinosaursRoar · 04/08/2015 12:38

I think she's got a lot to work her way through, she's being forced to face that her body shape is her choice. But you know, while you might be the reason she's being forced to address her attitude to her eating and shape, you aren't to blame that she's not happy.

I would avoid her for now, perhaps still have the DCs if yours really want you to, but cuntycowfacemonkey (FYI best username!) has given you great wording for a text back to make it clear that doesn't mean things are ok between you.

Cut her out for a bit. she'll either get her head round the fact that it's not "normal" to go from slim to overweight after having DCs and either do something about it, or come to terms with that she's happier being big and overeating than thin and limiting 'treats'.

Original poster
WilburIsSomePig · 04/08/2015 12:45

This is all so far removed from the person I've always seen her as. She's a kind person, always helping other people. I feel like she hates me for daring to do something about a situation I was desperately unhappy about.

OP posts:
PoppyShakespeare · 04/08/2015 12:46

but people don't really change, we only see what we expect to see until something external to them changes

Enjoyingthepeace · 04/08/2015 12:49

Very unfair of her, she is green with jealously.

However, no one is perfect.

If she is ringing to apologise, then I would accept, no doubt about it.

If she's ringing to have a rant, then walk away,

OTheHugeManatee · 04/08/2015 12:49

Don't do this one by text. I would call her and say yes, you're happy to have her kids tomorrow but can she stop for 5 minutes for a cup of tea when she drops them off because you want to talk about this disagreement. Tell her she's an important friend to you but things feel difficult for you after your recent exchanges and you think it's best to talk over in person together. Try and frame it as 'let's resolve this together' rather than 'I demand you come round so I can have a go at you'.

If she gets her DH to drop the kids off then I would consider just letting the friendship slide at least for a while. Otherwise you have an opportunity to talk it over as friends, explain how hurt you've felt by her comments and see if you can understand each others' perspectives.