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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For Getting Really Tired of being asked if I am my DD's Grandmother/caregiver

199 replies

adventuremom · 04/08/2015 01:53

I am an older mom, 52 with a 7 year old. I have other kids the oldest being 18 and yes, my youngest was born when I was 44. In her 1st month I was stopped by a stranger and asked " who was I holding the baby for?" I have been asked am I the grandmother, the care giver and finally, this stranger looked at me and said" so you are???" Her mother damn it! It's not vanity but really, I get it, I am the older mom with some grey hairs and wrinkles but to my DD, I am Mom. I would never just go up to someone and who is overweight and ask " so who are you holding that cake for?" Ok I am done, but it happens very very often. I get it, you think I am too old for this but I view my DD as a gift and to her, I am just Mom.

OP posts:
MerryInthechelseahotel · 04/08/2015 01:59

I am almost 56 with dc age nearly 7 so I know where you are coming from.

Original poster
adventuremom · 04/08/2015 02:02

Maybe I am getting paranoid but it seems like they are trying to make a point when they say it. It doesn't feel friendly let's just say. I had a friend who was in a similar boat and she felt the younger moms were not that friendly or included her much. I have to say, I felt it too. LIke I say, often they assume I am the caregiver until she calls me Mom.

OP posts:
Prelude · 04/08/2015 02:03

I was once asked if fourteen year old DD was the mother of five year old DS. He was in a pushchair and she did have a bit of makeup on but still Hmm

Original poster
adventuremom · 04/08/2015 02:07

OMG !

OP posts:
Prelude · 04/08/2015 02:09

Yes. "So this must be your daughter and you have a little grandson too!"

WTF? I was forty, but DS is autistic and sleepless so I probably look ten years older Grin

Kiwiinkits · 04/08/2015 02:37

The fact that you care so much suggests that you're insecure about it. Own it! You say it's not vanity? If not, what is it that bothers you?
My mum went grey in her twenties and always looked way older than her years. She was constantly asked whether she was our nana. She does not have a jot of vanity nor self consciousness... so (as far as I know) she never minded.

HirplesWithHaggis · 04/08/2015 02:51

I have experienced this once, but sort of from the other side - we are actually grandparents, and at the time I was about 49, dh 52. We had taken then-two yo dgs on a day out, and got chatting with other adults, and one woman was plainly very confused as to whether to refer to us as his parents or grandparents.

She opted for the more socially acceptable option of assuming we were the parents, at which we fell about laughing, so no ill feeling either way.

I can see how it would hurt the other way round, though.

Happy36 · 04/08/2015 03:01

That´s awful. I am so sorry to hear that! People should think more carefully before they speak. As Haggis points out, better for a grandparent to be mistaken for a parent, than vice versa. I am so disappointed in people to hear about the OP´s (and others´) experiences.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2015 03:08

I do a program where teenage mums come and live in my house and I always get the 'aw grandma out with the DD and DGC' when out with them and my DD. I'm only bloody early 40s. However, the mums are young so I suppose... My DD is only 4. [old]

Hootytoot · 04/08/2015 04:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LindyHemming · 04/08/2015 04:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marylou2 · 04/08/2015 05:09

Come and live near me! Loads of older mothers in DDs class. They are 8. Average age 40s but several 50th Birthdays recently.

BlueMoonRising · 04/08/2015 05:57

Have fun with it.

Look at them incredulously and say 'what age do you think I am?' and watch their reaction.

RachelWatts · 04/08/2015 07:27

This has happened to a couple of friends of mine. They were upset.

listsandbudgets · 04/08/2015 07:51

Happens to dp too. There are 16 years between us and people often ask if he is the DC's grandd dad.

Even worse though.... A couple of people have assumed he is my dad

YANBU

QueenOfNothing · 04/08/2015 07:55

At school gate there were a number of adults who I weren't sure if they were parents or grandparents. That made me too shy to talk to them. In case I said the wrong thing. Maybe that's why you're feeling snubbed?

pinktrufflechoc · 04/08/2015 07:58

YANBU.

If I'm ever unsure I assume they are the child's parent as then no one is offended - if they are the grandmother or grandfather they are just all chuffed and happy and if they aren't no ones offended.

It is just rude!

Three women at my baby group have had babies in their 40s.

pinktrufflechoc · 04/08/2015 07:58

Queen just assume they are the parents! If they're not, trust me, they won't mind that you thought they were twenty years younger!

MizK · 04/08/2015 08:03

I honestly doubt anybody does it deliberately to make a dig. I used to get it the other way around, had DD1 and DS when I was v young and people used to think I was their older sister.
Had DD2 at 29 and no misunderstandings about our relationship so I guess most people expect mothers of v little ones to be in their 30s.
Really though, it is best to stop giving a toss what strangers think. Easier said than done but you shouldn't give it so much power to upset you. Although it's obviously a sensitive issue to you, I doubt anyone whose opinion is worth considering actually judges you, it's just their first assumption.

Dolallytats · 04/08/2015 08:05

Happens to DH too. As well as our 22 year old DD we have a 7 yr old DS and a 2 yr old DD. He has been asked several times if the younger ones are his grandchildren.

He was kind of relieved when DD had our actual grandson earlier this year so that he can say yes!!!

DH is 53. I am 41 and keep getting told I look too young to have a 22 year old-that really rubs in in for him. I just tell him it's because I'm fat, it keeps the wrinkles smooth Grin

BananaInPyjama · 04/08/2015 08:07

I've had a few comments like this and feel its so rude.

If I am talking to someone I never refer to the relationship if I am not sure. or err on the side of caution and say 'daughter/son'....they can correct me and feel flattered.

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 04/08/2015 08:08

my cousin's mum was the same age as you when she was seven, she is treasured by my cousin, my mum was 14 and walked away, don't take it personally, pity the people upsetting you for being rude and ignorant. My boss is 50 and my 8 year old twins think she is cool, 52 is nothing, 82 is old! Just enjoy your daughter.

PowderMum · 04/08/2015 08:08

It's not a new thing either, I am only 10 years older than my brother, but at 14 was tall and looked older than my years (got into 18 films and served in bars) so when I was out with him (especially when he was behaving badly) I got lots of tutting and teenage mum comments even when our DM was right with us.

LeafyLafae · 04/08/2015 08:11

With blended families, younger mums, older mums being more common, it can be hard for people to get this right.
There are people who are grandparents before they're 30.
Can you not drop subtle hints to help them out?

Devora · 04/08/2015 08:11

I'm 51 with a 5 yo. It's never happened to me but I'm sure it's just a matter of time - my main concern is that the dds will be embarrassed. There is a mum in dd's class who is not yet 20 - I'm sure she looks at me and thinks, 'OMG Grandma' but she's always scrupulously polite Grin