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Original poster

For Getting Really Tired of being asked if I am my DD's Grandmother/caregiver

199 replies

adventuremom · 04/08/2015 01:53

I am an older mom, 52 with a 7 year old. I have other kids the oldest being 18 and yes, my youngest was born when I was 44. In her 1st month I was stopped by a stranger and asked " who was I holding the baby for?" I have been asked am I the grandmother, the care giver and finally, this stranger looked at me and said" so you are???" Her mother damn it! It's not vanity but really, I get it, I am the older mom with some grey hairs and wrinkles but to my DD, I am Mom. I would never just go up to someone and who is overweight and ask " so who are you holding that cake for?" Ok I am done, but it happens very very often. I get it, you think I am too old for this but I view my DD as a gift and to her, I am just Mom.

OP posts:
ebwy · 04/08/2015 13:54

I'm 40. My eldest child is 5. I have clothing (which I still wear) older than some of the parents of children in his class. I don't actually give a stuff.

a few of the people I was in school with are grandparents now.
I tease them a bit, but they know it's good-nutured intent (I hope) and they tease me back about being "too old to start that lark!" as I make no secret of the fact I longed to have children for years but it just didn't happen for me until I was "of advanced maternal age" according to my midwife notes

Iggi999 · 04/08/2015 14:28

Rox19 - did you mean to be so rude? Hmm

lucylooloo · 04/08/2015 14:31

Rox19 - the average age to be a grandparent is 46!! Are you kidding me - where do you live. No one I know has been a grandparent before the age of 55 and most are in their late 50's or even 60's. I would be mortified to be a grandparent at 46 lol I want my kids to have careers, travel the world and be financially secure which is unlikely if they are having kids that young!!!

LadyPlumpington · 04/08/2015 14:33

You have a point there pinktrufflechoc Grin I'm sure I'll embarrass them regardless, but even amongst kids some things are more risible than others. Mind you, if all the kids have older parents anyway then they probably won't pick on that aspect! How comforting.

They'll just mock my big ginger hair then Hmm

maybebabybee · 04/08/2015 14:40

Honestly, if you decided to live life according to 'but my teenagers might be embarrassed' you'd have to never emerge until they were 13 to 19!

This. I thought half the fun of having teenagers was embarrassing them. I can't wait til mine are teens so I can start!

LadyPlumpington · 04/08/2015 14:41

I'd like to point out that MIL and FIL had DBIL when they were 18 and DH when they were 'old' i.e. 27 Grin they wholeheartedly recommend having kids really early so you can have more fun going places with them when they're older (i.e. adults). Another perspective!

Seriously though, DH and I were discussing the impact of rising parent age on grandparents the other day. DH was 38 when DS1 was born and DFIL was 65 or so. If DS1 waits until he's 40 to have kids, DH will be nearly in his 80s. I will be a sprightly spring chicken of 70 Hmm

Our parent's generation is usually around 20-35 years older than our own, but when our kids have kids of their own then we (the grandparents) will be in our 70s, at least. That'll impact on extended family relationships, not to mention childcare. I have no idea how physically healthy I will be aged 70, but I'll hazard a guess that it will be less than when I'm 55 or 60, and I'm not sure my kids will be able to rely on me for childcare. Given how many families depend upon extended family ties for childcare, that's a real concern.

I have no solutions to offer, but these are the things that worry me.

Sorry op, bit of a derail Blush

MereKaffe · 04/08/2015 14:52

Rox19's post did seem rude to me, but that's because at 50, my mother who had 4 adult children could only dream of gc in the distant future.

Although I will be chased off the thread for saying this, there are clues that make me decide 1) mother or 2) grandmother

I'm not even going to describe the type of 50 year old that might make me think 'grandmother' as it'd unfair, people are products of their environment and there's nothing wrong with being a grandmother at 50, but it's not the norm in my circles.

My friend just had her 2nd at 44 and I'm pretty sure that in 6 years, she will look like her children's mother.

Kewcumber · 04/08/2015 14:54

The average age to become a grandparent is about 46 I think. Good lord not around here it's not.

Some of my sisters friends have just started becoming grandparents at 60 but most are some way off that.

I get your point about ageism seneca particularly with women, maybe I'm lucky that I seem to live in an area where older parenting is the norm and as a result the past it by 50 attitude just doesn't seem to happen (only in my epxerience) or at least not to a noticeable degree.

Or maybe ds is right and I do really look 30

Kewcumber · 04/08/2015 14:59

these are the things that worry me - follow my mantra of "don't worry about things that might happen because they rarely do which means you spent all that time worrying about something that never happened and managed to ope with the thing that actually did happen which hadn't occurred to you" or something like that!

I use my 76 year old mother as childcare twice a week for DS (9) and she copes just fine and she's had (terminal!) cancer, is diabetic and has arthritis. They love each other and she's perfectly competent.

If I am unable to provide childcare for DS I'm sure he will cope and I will hopefully still be capable of providing something of vallue to him and his children even I'm not physically very agile. My (young) grandparents never did any childcare for us ... they were all still working!

RubyRedfortSecretAgent · 04/08/2015 15:00

Despite my advancing years, I look like my child's mother because that's who I am; her mum. Even though I didn't give birth to her and am a different race to her. I'm just her mum to her.

RubyRedfortSecretAgent · 04/08/2015 15:02

Lots of 'her's in my last post Grin

Kewcumber · 04/08/2015 15:03

You're not me are you Ruby?

Ooh no - you have a dd.

RubyRedfortSecretAgent · 04/08/2015 15:04

And I look much younger than you, Kew Wink

Fizzielove · 04/08/2015 15:07

Someone congratulated my mum on her son ( actually GS) she was 65! She nearly fell over laughing ! People are just stupid ! Ignore ignore ignore....

LadyPlumpington · 04/08/2015 15:10

kewcumber I get what you mean, but the worries that I've stated won't be rare. Increasing age gaps between the generations? That's happening. It's entirely predictable and it worries me.

Also, childcare used to cost a lot less and/or a lot more people had the option to stay at home because the family didn't need two incomes.

Anyway, this is completely off-topic so I'll leave it alone now.

Fox28 · 04/08/2015 15:11

In my NCT group of 7 couples, only one lady was younger than me, and that was only by a year.. I'm 32

MereKaffe · 04/08/2015 15:16

LadyPlumpington, I think it swings back and forth so that on average each generation is about 30 years apart. I can see my children's generation having children a bit earlier because issues such as childcare will be better (or am I living in a fantasy land!)

redshoeblueshoe · 04/08/2015 15:21

I've just googled it - apparently in the UK the average age to become a GP is 49.
Therefore the OP is right to be pissed off - the rest of us have the right to think she might be her DC's GM Grin

LadyPlumpington · 04/08/2015 15:22

We can but hope, MereKaffe!!

Birdsgottafly · 04/08/2015 15:43

""I would be mortified to be a grandparent at 46 lol I want my kids to have careers, travel the world and be financially secure which is unlikely if they are having kids that young!!!""

"We were all having careers, travelling and buying houses"
Good for you, it's not everyone's choice and you can travel with children and post 50.

I'm a GM at 47, she's amazing and has put a permanent smile on my face.

My DD hasn't decided on what she wants as a career, she's putting off uni, for now. I live in Liverpool, were people choose to have children younger, it's as valid a choice as delaying, some people are happy with having a "job" and renting.

"Your a product of your environment"

I've got one DD (the very happy teen Mum) and a 30 year old who doesn't want children and my 17 year old, who hasn't decided, which one is a product of their environment?

I was a very happy teen Mum (married for 22 years), my Dsis is childless, which one of us was a product of our environment?

Perhaps some of us want children, more than others?

The average age of becoming a GP is 49, officially.

I was judged as a teen Mum, two years ago when taking out my DN, I was judged as a Old Mum. I get it occasionally with my GD (on a good day).

Perhaps the thing is to stop making judgements and assumptions and learn to ignore others.

There's a big campaign, it's been featured in the Liverpool Echo, that they want the information about fertility put in Universities, so people can make informed decisions. There's also a call to not fund IVF for people who are having trouble conceiving because they've delayed trying.

So we may see a swing back.

pinktrufflechoc · 04/08/2015 16:39

My DHs parents had him at 22 and 23 and died at 39 and 40.

Mine had me at 36 and died at 52 and 66.

We manage without grandparents because, well, we have to, and so do many others. It would be lovely for DC to have them but they don't and none of us can do a thing about it. I certainly wouldn't NOT have had children for this reason!

maggieryan · 04/08/2015 16:47

My niece is 20 and loves coming out with me and my youngest daughter (3). She loves coming out and acting like her mother which she is constantly mistaken for which would make me the granny. Doesn't bother me. I get to relax for a while and she does all the hard work!!

Preciousbane · 04/08/2015 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinktrufflechoc · 04/08/2015 16:54

The age you have your first DC at is certainly linked to education and to social class.

8misskitty8 · 04/08/2015 17:01

I get the opposite Op. I look younger than i am (thanks to my DM's genes ! )
DD1 is 11 and i've had people ask if i'm her sister.
When i say, no she's my daughter. They either look puzzled as they count back from the age they think I am or disgust. I end up telling them my age. (36 )

MIL was mistaken for Dd's mum when we were out together when she was a baby (She was 51 at the time ) and I was big sister !

I usually don't ask if people are mum/grandma as you can't really be certain .