For Getting Really Tired of being asked if I am my DD's Grandmother/caregiver

[adventuremom]

I am an older mom, 52 with a 7 year old. I have other kids the oldest being 18 and yes, my youngest was born when I was 44. In her 1st month I was stopped by a stranger and asked " who was I holding the baby for?" I have been asked am I the grandmother, the care giver and finally, this stranger looked at me and said" so you are???" Her mother damn it! It's not vanity but really, I get it, I am the older mom with some grey hairs and wrinkles but to my DD, I am Mom. I would never just go up to someone and who is overweight and ask " so who are you holding that cake for?" Ok I am done, but it happens very very often. I get it, you think I am too old for this but I view my DD as a gift and to her, I am just Mom.

I am 50 with a 7 year dd. I was very close with a young woman of 23 when dd was born. We used to go shopping and out for lunch often, which involved taking newborn dd with us. Invariably it was assumed this gorgeous young woman was dd's mum. I loved pointing out it was the haggard old lady who was indeed the mother!

Ten years ago an excited & emotional DH & I were in a well know store buying equipment for our much longed for & soon to be arriving adoptive DS. On reaching the checkout we were greeted with 'oh, are you buying all this for your grandchild?' Talk about making us feel old!

I always err on the side of caution if not sure so would always speak in terms of the person being mum or dad. I'm a second time around older mum too so I think I am more aware, I hope.

Isn't the rule you always go in assuming the person is mum or dad and then if not they can correct u?

I once met up with a Philipino nanny with her white baby charge with me (white) and my Philipino-looking baby.

Caused much confused looks amongst the waitresses - it was like playing pairs badly.

I used to feel bad about my mum and dad for this reason, they were always mistaken for my grandparents, I didn't mind but I think it embarrassed them and they thought it embarrassed me. My mum always mentioned the gossip on the street about her having her second child so late (I'm 27 and she would have been 60 this year so not exactly that old) I don't know why people bother commenting at all if they don't know.

my in-laws are in their early 60s, and their children are 40, 39, 38, 30 (mix of step-children, half-children). they were grandparents when they were in their mid-late 30s. Their oldest grandchildren are in their 20s.

In my mid-30s, I was mother of a 1 year old.

Husband said to a colleague once 'oh it's NK's birthday and she's 37'. His intern said 'OMG - my mother's 37!!' (intern was maybe 18?19?). I nearly died.

Actually I think a lot of people make daft assumptions without any reference to common sense or thought at all.

People are often asking my DC if they are twins - it happened twice yesterday . There are 4 years and about 20cm between them, they have different colouring, they weren't wearing matching clothes.
Yes, they look a bit alike, they are siblings after all. They certainly don't look identical though. So why on earth would so many people assume they are twins rather than just siblings? .

The only possible answer is that some people are a bit stupid.

It must be so hard for you.

I was 19 when I had my son so had people assuming he was my little brother a lot.

Also had judgemental abuse hurled at me about how I must be a terrible mother because a mum my age couldn't possibly be doing a good job.

It is easier said than done, but I have found that I am so much happier now that I have atopped caring what people think

OP - YANBU.

Although I am amused by all the stealth boasting on this thread e.g.

post 30 I passed as 10 or 15 years younger than my age

No you didn't!

Why do so many people have a problem with looking their age? That's the real question.

everyone thinks they look 10 years younger than they are - I say this as a scientific fact based on a couple of years of online dating. Some men people think they look 20 years younger than they do.

DS thinks I look 30 and I have decided to believe him, it's the motherly thing to do.

It depends where you are. I look early 40s wherever I am, but in some areas it is very common to be this age and a new mum, and in other areas of town it is more normal to be a gran by that age.

Seneca - because those of us (not sure if that includes you) who are 50+ grew up when people seemed to morph into frumpiness around 45! My mum always dressed and acted in quite a youthful way so I've never associated being 50 with being "old".

it doesn;t seem to happen so much now does it - there isn't a core of frumpy old 50 year olds, I wonder when that changed.

OH GOD! It hasn't changed has it?! I AM that frumpy 50 year old - I just don;t realise it!

Kewcumber I am in my 60s. There is quite a bit of ageism on MN, as in society at large. I just like to poke it when I see it and there is a bit of it on this thread, which is why I asked the question.

No one would be insulted to be assumed to be a child's aunt or older sister, but a grandmother? Yes. And why is that?

I definitely look my age, and always have except early 20's. I do actually without boasting have the figure of someone much younger, but the naturally low fat reserves and lifestyle that cause that make my face look older than it is, especially without make up since I lost the flush of youth, so people correctly guess the happy medium between. I'll no doubt look like a wizened and wrinkled octogenarian marathon runner by 50.
However people continued incorrectly guessing I'd had dd late teens past the stage my age was obvious, because her height has always made people think she's a few years older than she is.
Still, it's beyond me why anyone gives a fuck how old someone was when they gave birth, let alone to feel the need to comment on it.

My in laws were grandparents at 48/49 and my parents both by 52.

Maybe you should have considered this before you had a child at 45? My in laws were nearly grandparents by then. The average age to become a grandparent is about 46 I think.

My exh was always being taken for our DC's grandfather when they were little, he was 42 when our first was born. I think it rather upset him.

There was twelve years between us - still is I suppose - and he was always being taken for my father when we were first married.

People often used to think my sister was my daughter, (I'm 10 years older, my mother was 38 when she was born). I just thought it was funny

what Kiwi said- my DP is 50 and he was asked if he was their granddad! but he laughed it off, as did I (maybe too much...)

Its kind of to be expected when you have kids later in life, and I think you need to develop a thicker skin? People are twats sometimes OP

and yeah move to London, we are all OLD mama

I was referred to as dd2's Nan but even funnier was when I was with ds2 and dd2 and the person assumed ds2 was dd2's father. Our ages at the time Me 40, ds 19 and dd 5

I'm quite surprised at the surprise on this thread, tbh. Anyone saying 'Well I can't imagine why my kids would be embarrassed by my age, they will remember all my good points and always think well of me' was surely never a child/teenager. Kids have the capacity to be embarrassed by EVERYTHING. Just take a look at the Teenagers board - it will take you 2 minutes to find some poor parent berating themselves for having dared to greet their child's friends politely, thus causing them total social death. Also, many kids are nice individually but will join the cruel herd without a second thought if pushed. The herd will pick on anything about the kid, their parents, their family, their house, whatever. Every aspect of your life is fair game. Which is cheerful, and encourages me not to indulge my eccentricities too much whilst doing the school run.

Back on topic, I must say that I've almost come a cropper several times in assuming that someone was the grandparent when they were in fact the parent (I was relatively young for my group - 29yo). Thankfully I never stated it out loud because I managed to engage brain in time. Sorry, but if you closely resemble my nan who was 50 when I was little then I will initially think of you as a grandparent - it's inevitable. I WBU to actually say this to your face though.

Wrt age distribution: in my NCT group the oldest woman present (now one of my closest friends) was 40 and the youngest was 24. I did look between them after we'd all had our babies and think 'By the time Woman 2 is Woman 1's age, her son will be 16' occasionally (although I was sane enough not to share this with the class). Ages vary so much these days that you can't really assume anyone isn't the parent.

Rox19, In my circle not one person had a baby before age 32. We were too busy getting degrees, buying homes, traveling.

It's because teenagers are embarrassed by everything I'm surprised anyone would be in the slightest bit arsed

Honestly, if you decided to live life according to 'but my teenagers might be embarrassed' you'd have to never emerge until they were 13 to 19!

I had DC1 at 25. Much, much younger than friends but DH is older and we had our own home, working in professional jobs boxes ticked.

I'm sure I'll still embarrass him a lot even though I'll only be 44 when he leaves his teens.