For Getting Really Tired of being asked if I am my DD's Grandmother/caregiver

[adventuremom]

I am an older mom, 52 with a 7 year old. I have other kids the oldest being 18 and yes, my youngest was born when I was 44. In her 1st month I was stopped by a stranger and asked " who was I holding the baby for?" I have been asked am I the grandmother, the care giver and finally, this stranger looked at me and said" so you are???" Her mother damn it! It's not vanity but really, I get it, I am the older mom with some grey hairs and wrinkles but to my DD, I am Mom. I would never just go up to someone and who is overweight and ask " so who are you holding that cake for?" Ok I am done, but it happens very very often. I get it, you think I am too old for this but I view my DD as a gift and to her, I am just Mom.

It's only happened to me once, ds was 12 but looked about 9 or 10 as he's small for his age and I would be 48 at the time. I was really annoyed and snapped " no I'm his mum!!!" at the woman on the bus who"d made the assumption. At home I was almost crying but I did start making more effort with my appearance after that as it did rattle me.

At the other end, people have thought I was a nanny or babysitting mine for the day...

A woman in Iceland once shouted across the shop to another woman that I looked too young to be a mum. I was 24 and out with a couple of toddlers, not a 13 year old!

pinktruffle children can be very image conscious.
I was 28 when I had my first son, I was still one of the older Mums in his class. I remember when he was 9 or so anxiously asking me 'are you going to wear make up at the parents evening'.
I think children do talk about their Mums. I've heard about children being teased about things like their Mums being overweight, sadly, so I would guess the same might happen if they looked older than other mums.

Feel for you, but try not to let it get to you. I'm 42, I've got a 4 year old and a 7 year old. Thankfully, in ds' class, there's quite a few of us who are in our 40s and thankfully, these children also get along so at parties or gatherings, we bunch together. there's a few younger parents around but there's not a lot in common. There's a 46, 45, a few 42s in my group of friends. Maybe you need to find a new group! :)

I have vitiligo so although only early 50s, my grey hair is actually snow white. Which friends say is "striking". I let the dye grow right out and enjoyed not having to bother for a while but recently - at a dr's with a son and at a parents' evening - have had the "So you are...?" which is a not so sublte way of asking if I'm grandma. My youngest is just 13. I am really not enjoying this white hair thing any more so this week - back to the dye. As I have never sunbathed, never worn skin make-up, I have not got wrinkly or aged skin at all and have always, my whole life post 30 passed as 10 or 15 years younger than my age so this has coe as quite an ego blow. ;o)

Feel your pain, OP.

Was also sitting with a friend at an event where we were working with a school party - she is mid 50s (and does still dye her hair) and a group of kids asked if we were "the grandmas". I was highly insulted til someone else pointed out "Where these kids come from, their grandmas are in their 40s and early 50s!" Still offended, though.

I don't see what it matters to other people whether you're someone's parent, grandparent, sibling.... why do we need to put people into neat tidy little boxes?

I appreciate that when you're out and about and making conversation it is easy to make assumptions, but it must be reasonably easy to avoid any faux pas. If you see someone out with children and you think they may be a grandparent, then there is no real need to query it, is there?

I say this as I encountered rudeness a while ago, whilst out with DD. I'm an older mum, and was in a local charity shop. Woman behind the counter said something about me taking my granddaughter out. I said "No, I'm her mother". Woman: "Are you sure?" Me: "Yes, I was there when she was delivered, would you like to see the scar?" She then muttered something about it being difficult to tell these days...

I take DD to a local group where there are parents, caregivers and grandparents. I usually refer to people as 'the man/lady with X' until I know differently. If I'm talking to the adult, then I'll refer to the child by name if I know it, or 'the child/little girl/boy'.

To give you the other side, I was a young single mum who looked younger than I was. I got plenty of judging, because of course it must have been the case I'd randomly shagged around and couldn't have possibly ever worked, had an iq in double figures and my life ambition was to produce a string from different fathers. I wasn't actually a teen mum but they get the same judgy reaction I did.
Especially in the first few weeks I also had non judgy people asking whose she was because my stomach went back straight away, so they assumed she couldn't be mine. With hindsight that's clearly not insulting, but at the time I wasn't proud of my post birth figure, I was proud of my baby and wanted the world to know she was mine. Or asking 'where was her dad from' based on her colouring. Erm, England you dick.
People shouldn't be making personal remarks full stop, but you do need to be able to differentiate between the judgy ones and the ones that aren't meant as insults at all.

As a KS1 teacher I had some children in my class who were regularly collected by older siblings, some of whom were older that the parents of their classmates. Parents ages ranged from early 20's to mid 50's. Other children were collected by grandparents in their late 30's or early 40's. There really is no way to tell. So best not to assume anything!

I don't think my 8 year old gives much, if indeed any thought to what I look like as long as it is within the realms of 'normal' and clean.

Anyone 'anxiously' asking if I was going to wear makeup would be given short shrift I'm afraid, including the DC.

To put it another way, my mum died of cancer in her early fifties and dragged herself to my last parents evening (I was in year 11) and she was in a wheelchair, painfully, horribly thin, not wearing makeup as I guess it was just beyond her at that point and all in all she looked one heck of a lot older than the 52 she was at that point.

I was bloody proud of her actually

I think anyone who thinks they might embarrass their children because of something as superficial as appearance needs to have a good long hard look in the mirror! Pun intended.

I would be devastated if my children were embarrassed by my looks, nor because I care but because I want them to value me because of things way beyond physical appearance.

Yes, as a teenager I was embarrassed by my dads penchant of walking around topless at the hint of sun; I hated some of my mums clothes (she favoured those ski pants with a strap!) and generally considered them a blight on my horizon but because they were my parents!

Any day, any of us could be scarred or disfigured for life and does it REALLY matter or mean we should be hidden away so we don't embarrass our children? How about encouraging our children not to judge people on external appearances?

Best wishes to you Zebedee. Noeffing, but in another school, you would have been an anomalously young mother, rather than one of the oldest. All we can do, surely, is not pass on prejudices about maternal age, looks etc? Or carefully research the age profiles of other parents before choosing a school?

Another example - pregnant with my first child at 40, in my London NCT group of eight couples, there was another 40 year old and two 42 year olds, and all but one of the others were in their 30s.

Amen, Pinktruffle, what a good post. I bet you were proud of your mother.

Mum was forty one when she had me in the eighties. She got that all the time and hated it. She looks young for her age and people do not realise or care now that she is our mum not grandmother

Yanbu I am 53 with DD 7 I get this all the time. I know I look old and haggard, but I still resent the assumption.

And if your child gets teased for you being overweight then teach them to say 'So what? Does it make a difference to you?'

Because you know, it DOESN'T!

I am an ordinary looking woman. I had a flush of prettiness in my youth and it was prettiness rather than beauty, but that has faded in the intervening years!

I keep myself groomed and hygienic as that is just a pride thing and I'm trying to lose two a stone or so. But I hope when I do die and my DC remember me that they will describe me as beautiful because I am their mother and they will remember my humour and love and hugs and the way I always take time to explain things to them and didnt mind driving 30 miles out of my way for a party and always told them they were awesome (they are!) and I just don't think they will care about the external stuff!

I'm 51 with a 9 year old dd. I basically don't give a shit what people think! I haven't found any bitching by so called younger mums. BUT I wouldn't care anyway, and wouldn't even get involved. Most of my mum friends are late 40s early 50s anyway.

I do look younger than my age, but I wouldn't care either way

My little brother is 25, I am 43.

I remember wearing my school uniform walking with my DM who was pushing my brother who was about 4 moths old in his pram. People asumed I was the mother.

Its not new.

My DD is 1 so will be 50 when she is 7. Am saving up for a facelift

Has happened to us the other way round - people assuming my daughters then 15 or even 13 years old when pushing her twin toddler brothers if they were the mother!

I saw a couple with young children in a supermarket a few years ago who did look like grandparents almost but I suspect they had just had both children inther 40s which is fine. There have always been older mothers - even in the Bible - when Mary (14 or whatever) was announced to be pregnant Elizabeth (her counsin?) or someone who was beyond menopause age got pregnant too.

No one should make assumptions. it's just rude.

pinktrufflechoc actually my kids are proud of me as well. My mum never wore a scrap of makeup but I was proud of her.
My son just wanted to feel as if he fitted in with his peers, why would I give him short shrift for that? I was just aware that his school was his enviroment, not mine and therefore I wanted to represent him.

My mil often got mistaken for mum with our children as she was only in her early 50s. She found it quite amusing - she found people were quite delicate about it though trying to guess whether she was mum or gp. She now auto goes in saying his is my gc in most situations as makes life easier

I've had it at 39! Sleepless nights with a newborn I must have looked awful. I just found it funny. I haven't had it since Ds slept through the night. I would expect in my 50s for people to day it a bit with young children. Don't worry OP it really doesn't matter. You have had children later in life that's all.

The thing is I would not look at you and assume you were your child's mother either. My mum is nan to 2 grandchildren, my DS and my niece and she is 43 so you know you could be a grandmother for all they know.

However I would never say it to you! Just listen out for a mum or a nan!

zebedee hope things work out for you

I'm 51 with a 9 year old dd. Me too Orange though a ds. I have a double whammy as ds is a differnt race to me.

Around here most people don't think anything of it - older mothers and mixed race families being relatively run of the mill, but I do get a few tentative "and you are.... Mum?" said in a hopeful that they're correct way.

A big smile and "Indeed I am!" from me and a relieved look that they dodged a "grandparent" bullet from them.

I am old enough to be his grandmother, my (younger) cousin is grandmother to two, one only 4 years younger than my DS.

DS however tells me I'm beautiful and I look 30 (neither is true!) so I'm happy.