For Getting Really Tired of being asked if I am my DD's Grandmother/caregiver

[adventuremom]

I am an older mom, 52 with a 7 year old. I have other kids the oldest being 18 and yes, my youngest was born when I was 44. In her 1st month I was stopped by a stranger and asked " who was I holding the baby for?" I have been asked am I the grandmother, the care giver and finally, this stranger looked at me and said" so you are???" Her mother damn it! It's not vanity but really, I get it, I am the older mom with some grey hairs and wrinkles but to my DD, I am Mom. I would never just go up to someone and who is overweight and ask " so who are you holding that cake for?" Ok I am done, but it happens very very often. I get it, you think I am too old for this but I view my DD as a gift and to her, I am just Mom.

"Why would anyone be embarrassed of what their mum looked like? hmm

Fair enough if she is sporting leopard print leggings and a faux fur pink coat but just being s bit older - I don't see why that would reflect badly on her or the child. My mum had me at 36 which was pretty old for the time I suppose but I wasn't embarrassed by it!

I'm genuinely lost at that"

You clearly haven't had a mum who really did look old enough to look like your grandmother. Back in the 1960s, when I was at primary school, and all my friends' mums were in their 30s, having a mum who looked like she was in her 60s - not just a bit older, was embarrassing to me, especially when other children kept saying "but she looks too old to be your mum". When you are 9 or 10 those kind of comments hurt.

"The average age to become a grandparent is about 46 I think"

It is now 49. I would be more interested in what the mode age is rather than the average. I suspect it would be people in their 50s and 60s rather than 46. In my circles most people had their children in their 30s so becoming a grandparent in their 40s would raise a few eyebrows.

Don't tell nitwit strangers anything. If someone asked me that out of the blue, my immediate reaction would be to say 'Why do you ask?' because actually, why are they asking?

""The age you have your first DC at is certainly linked to education and to social class.""

That doesn't mean that one choice, is better than the other, or something to feel smug about, either way.

As long as your choices suit you and ideally they shouldn't impact negatively on society.

We should be grateful for people who are happy to work as bin men, retail assistants, cleaners etc, if you live Up North, you can still travel etc on those wages.

The age I had dd at wasn't related to education and social class, although in general terms I suppose that's correct. It's also perfectly possible dd could have a degree, mortgage and children by the time I'm 46.
Nobody should be judging older parents, but deflecting from it by judging younger parents is insulting to both in my opinion.

Bun, no, I'm still not seeing it sorry.

My mum was a good ten to fifteen years older than the other mums but I can assure you I was always quite pleased to see her on the rare occasion she picked me up from school and I did not worry unduly that any of my peers might catch sight of her wizened face

I was 25 when I had my DC1. It wasn't a judgement but a statement of fact.

You must have had nicer children at school with you or must be thicker skinned than me pinktruffle.

Regardless, I really disliked having much older parents. They were both heavy smokers and not in the best of health. They came from an era when once you reached 40 you looked and felt really old, so they had an "old" outlook. My dad used to say that he felt he couldn't play with us when we were little because he was too old.

If they were still alive now my dad would be 106 and my mum 97.

Would you rather not have been born?

Would you rather your mum had said 'you know what, I'm a bit past it and she might be bullied at school. I'd better terminate the pregnancy.'

I can think of a hundred reasons not to have a baby but not based on the age of the mother!

My mum was 37 when she had me - which in those days was considered old to be having babies. Oddly I never cared that my parents were older than all my friends' parents, and it didn't bother me in the least.

I was nearly 42 when I had my youngest and it only really struck us when he was at primary school and there were some parents of kids in his class who were maybe 25 years younger than me. I almost could have pants older than them.

Pinktruffle. Of course I loved my parents. I was also very proud of them, but you have to understand that not everyone is like you. Given a choice I would have preferred it if they had been younger, and I would have preferred it if other kids at school hadn't kept asking why they were so old.

You are remarkably thick skinned and lack understanding.

I don't understand people saying am I being rude ?

Unless a baby is an accident/ long wait after infertility/ partner reasons - surely most people put a lot of thought into the age they start having children and

• the effect their age has on offspring Eg can they afford uni/ pensions financial planning

Eg have they finished own education Eg will they be able to relate to their child and have a good relationship and play games and make friends with child's parents friends Eg whether child will have relationship with cousins of same age or cousins grown up / grandparents long gone etc

I thought most people did this x

I'm very aware that I'm an older mother, and as I come from a family of young mums (born to a 20 yo, who was born to a 17 yo, lots of teenage mums) I'm not kidding myself how out of the norm I am. I have cousins and friends who are my age, or younger, who are well into grandparenthood. So I'd be daft if I was shocked and traumatised by people thinking I might be a gran.

As I said upthread, my worry really is about the children's feelings - and that's why I hope people engage their tact muscle before voicing their assumptions. My kids are really different from their peers in a number of ways (racially, adopted, same sex parents) and I remember what a source of pride it was when I was at school to have a young mum (lord knows I had nothing else to be proud of). I can't give them that, but I'd like to spare them any avoidable humiliation.

So assume away, ladies, but be kind

Well, you're right - I do lack understanding about this issue because it's a non issue.

Kids tease about all sorts (often weird stuff - I got teased for having tuna sandwiches at a similar age ) and kids being daft is not something I'd base a decision about pregnancy on.

I do recognise that childhood 'wounds' if you like can run deep but fundamentally, if your parents had had a baby ten years earlier, it would not have been you - you, as you are today, could only exist in that time, place.

I do know what you mean by an 'old' outlook but again I think that is more linked to personality and the like than actual literal age. I honestly think it's a shame you feel this way, as I think a great parent has very little to do with age. I have a friend who was 17 years old when she had her DD and she is a fantastic mum; I also know a woman through baby group who recently had Dc2 aged 45 - fantastic mother and lovely person.

I just can't imagine getting caught out in ten years time and saying 'well, I'll embarrass them at primary school so I'll terminate!' (And I CAN imagine terminating a pregnancy and have done so - but not because I worried my child would be embarrassed by me!)

Besides, I already embarrass my children. It seems to be linked to the fact I exist

Maybe you should have considered this before you had a child at 45?

Ah, I see the milk of human kindness runs strongly in your veins, eh Rox19?

And OP, move to West London, you'll fit right in.

I'm 49 and have a 7 year old son and a 10 year old grandson !! People look confused when out with them both when one is shouting mam and the other one nanna !!!

If you have a baby at 44 wouldn't you expect that?

Kids teased me about my mum being old and she was 22 when she had me! She did however have undyed grey hair which = old lady in a child's mind. They also teased me because my dad was fat.

I still wouldn't have changed anything about them. You can't go mentally rewriting your life based on what an 8 year old deems acceptable.

Do some people think everyone over the age of 39 ahold terminate or something?

"I do lack understanding about this issue because it's a non issue."

For you.

You can't tell me how I felt about my parents because you aren't me.

Absolutely, but I can still state I find it baffling and very sad.

When I was 19 and an au pair people would assume that I was the mother of the five-year-old girl I looked after. We used to wind people up that it was true

Thing is, a 51-year-old is probably much more likely to be the grandma than the mum. Of course, it depends slightly on the demographic of the area in which they live, but I'm sure that nationwide there are many more 51-year-old grannies of 7-year-olds than mums of 7-year-olds, so if you're going to make a punt then granny would be right.

However, its rude to make assumptions and then voice them. I've been unsure before who I was addressing, so I've just sidestepped the issue and hoped that it would become clear during the course of the conversation. If in doubt, say nothing!

My nanny was 37 when i was born and people always assumed she was my mum. That embarrassed me, I think kids will always have something to be embarrassed about!

Rox I don't understand either - I didn't think you were rude. I don't get why it is rude to make assumptions either - we all do it. As I said earlier I don't get offended when people assume my DGC's are my DC's, but if you are 50+ with a young child it is not unreasonable for people to think you are their GM.

As I said earlier I don't get offended when people assume my DGC's are my DCs

Well, of course, you don't get offended - you are flattered. People are being kind and giving you the benefit of the doubt. They don't think you're 28!

Poor you - sure you are a fab mum!!! The polite option is always to assume that the person is the mother - and I think it's rude not to do so. I would try not to take it to heart. It's probably been innocent - but I also think their can be a bit of an underhand dislike of older mothers by some people for very unfair reasons -

I do understand how upsetting it can be as I once had a similiar ish situation - we took our first son then 18 months old to a&e as he had a fever - we were seen by a foreign locus who very loudly said "oh you must be careful all your older children don't get this infection" - eg he just assumed that being in our late 30s it was impossible my son could be our first child - I was completely gobsmacked when he said it - but I guess at 37 it was likely I would have older kids - and to be fair I probably looked about 100 at the time given I was stressed out

some peoples experience will be that anyone in their 50s with a young child will be a grandparent - so it may be innocent but they should really think before opening their mouths and some of those will open their mouths before thinking. Like others I have seen this all different angles I have a sister who is 10 years older than me - yet she was often mistaken for my mother when I was a child - she loved that lol