For Getting Really Tired of being asked if I am my DD's Grandmother/caregiver

[adventuremom]

I am an older mom, 52 with a 7 year old. I have other kids the oldest being 18 and yes, my youngest was born when I was 44. In her 1st month I was stopped by a stranger and asked " who was I holding the baby for?" I have been asked am I the grandmother, the care giver and finally, this stranger looked at me and said" so you are???" Her mother damn it! It's not vanity but really, I get it, I am the older mom with some grey hairs and wrinkles but to my DD, I am Mom. I would never just go up to someone and who is overweight and ask " so who are you holding that cake for?" Ok I am done, but it happens very very often. I get it, you think I am too old for this but I view my DD as a gift and to her, I am just Mom.

(Note, joking here)...go to a private school! Mine briefly went private and I've never felt so young- 80% of the mums must have started having children at 40, and often had 3. (And they were mostly v v nice too)

Also at the school gate make the approach to the older parents as suggested, I found them much more friendly as an occasional visitor to the school gate than the trendy 'younger' bitchy clique.
All my long term school mum friends are older than me.

I know it's upsetting (it happened to my exhusband with our daughter, and he wasn't happy), but on the other hand it's kind of inevitable, seeing as most people have around 40 childbearing years. It's possible to become a mother and a grandmother on the same day so of course some people won't know.
It is very tactless to come out with it though but try not to take it personally.

People are just do daft op. Not suprised you are hurt but 44 is definatly no eye raiser around here for giving birth.

When I had my last baby at 36 I though I would be the oldest at antenatal class and I was just about average age when I got there. Lots older some younger.

It's not new either as my great gran had her first at 18 and her last at 46! She had 11 children.

Personally I would give them the freezing state and the great do you mean to be so rude

To be fair if you're 52/53 you could very easily be a 7 year old's GP. They're not psychic, and they're not saying you look older than you are - they're just ignoring the basic rule to assume the more flattering option when you're in doubt.

It's crap if you're clearly being told you look older than you are though. My DM was out shopping with her DSis and me many years ago and was asked whether DSis was her daughter - and by implication whether I was her DGD. Since DM was in her mid thirties, DSis was 11 years younger and I was about 7,it really ruined her day.

Sorry Op but if you're in your fifties and your children are any younger than teenagers, I'm going to assume you're the grandma or childminder. I would try not to be so rude as to make the assumption out loud, because I know there are exceptions, but some people are a little less tactful. I doubt they mean to be rude.
Re: younger mums not being as friendly, i don't find this that surprising. I'm in my 30's and only have one friend in their fifties. I do tend to gravitate towards people of my own age, not significantly older or younger. It's not malicious, and I'm sure I'm friendly to everyone, but yes I prob do spend more time with other mums my age.
As others have said, don't take it personally, it's small fry in the big scheme of things

If you look your age it's a 50/50 shot at whether you're parent or grandparent. In my area it wouldn't cross many people's mind to even think you were the parent, older mothers aren't thick on the ground at all.

You need to box up the vanity, because despite the denial it is vanity, and just get on with being the parent you want to be :)

Agree with the last couple of posters, sorry. These days with all the different kinds of families it's not on to assume people are the biological parents anyway, so if there's any doubt then caregiver is a useful catch-all. Grandparents are no longer assumed to be elderly grey-haired granny/granddad types. In a way you want people to be both broad-minded (in assuming mums of little ones can be 50+) yet traditional (in assuming you're the mum). As for the airport, it's their job to check you are the parents so that other people/relatives can't smuggle kids out of the country. Do you think they should neglect that duty because you've got a hang-up about how you're percieved?

This is why I started a skin routine. Hopefully a decade from now, I'll only look five years older . Easy to say don't take it personally - but if a stranger rocks up to you and makes an unprovoked l, negative comment about your appearance (be it your weight, your age or your hair loss) - it is so breathtakingly fucking rude that most people aren't prepared for it.

It's not a negative comment about her appearance though. I mean they might in their head be thinking that the OP looks sixty, but it's just as likely that they think she's a well preserved 52 year old who had a baby in her early twenties. How on earth is that rude?

Now if someone assumed that I (in my 40s) was my 13 year old's DGM then I'd be livid because it could only mean that they think I look much older than I am. But even then, if I've been up all night, have grey hair and they legitimately think I'm 58 then it's not rude, just very unfortunate.

Reverse here - I have been assumed to be GC's mum - it's great you are clearly living in the wrong area. I wouldn't assume everyone is being rude I think its natural given your age people would think you might be a GM - after all you are actually old enough.

Where I live I occasionally hear that young mums (not teenage, these mums are in their early 20s!) get nasty looks and comments from busybodies.

I was 30 when I had ds and would say I am among the younger mums. It depends where you live.

The successful businesswoman Liz Earle had her last child when she was about 45. And my dad was 49 when I was born, but it's ok for men isn't it ;)

I am 51 and a childminder. I am usually mistaken for mummy too. I am soon to be a grandmother and will add the baby to my little group of mates. The comments could be funny.

Ignore op and if you can afford it get a great hair cut/colour and a pamper session.

Yep, agree with Rita. My mum is 55 and she loves being recognised as 'the grandma' when out. If you were 40, it would be rude.

It's not unreasonable to be fed up of it. It's rude to assume that you're the grandparent but also not impossible with the age some girls become mums.

I get the opposite, I was 19 when I had dd but looked younger(think being asked for id to buy a 12 dvd), I got fed up of being told how cute my sister looked or how good I was to babysit for my parents. Pissed me off no end, especially with the tutting I'd then get about teen parents.

People are just ridiculously rude and thoughtless. Like the man who said to me "oh you must love babies, you've got two and another one on the way!" Er, no. I've a three year old and a SIX WEEK OLD baby (and a mum tum). You chump.

Mums and dads and grandparents come in all shapes/sizes/ages. My fail-safe though is to refer to "your little girl/boy/one" as most grandparents will think/speak of their dgc in this way as would parents, iyswim.

Oh and my dsis had her eldest when she was 19 and I was 10. I was tall for my age and already had boobs poor me and more than once when dniece was a toddler and out and about in town with me and her mum, strangers assumed she was mine! So basically - people are daft as well as rude :-)

This has only happened to me once, thankfully, but it traumatised me for ages (vain old gimmer here..). DD was 10; I was early 50's.
It hurts. Yanbu, Op.

People often assume DH is DDs grandad. she is 7, he is 57. They also assume he is my dad...(there are 13 years between us).

YANBU, OP. I can imagine it would get wearing, especially the intrusive questioning you mention, as though a random stranger is entitled to have you fill them in on your relationship to your child.

What amuses me about the assumptions about whether a 50-ish looking woman is the mother or grandmother of a young child is that they are so location- and social-class dependent. I had my son at 40 in London, and my midwife (who operated out of a GP surgery in a prosperous bit of north London) said she saw more mothers-to-be over 40 than under-30 at that surgery. When I saw her once at a different surgery in a working-class area with a lot of recent immigration, I was the age of the grandmothers-to-be waiting with their 20-ish pregnant daughters.) There is a very close relationship between social class, education, women in professional careers, and later childbearing, and that operates equally for people making mother/grandmother assumptions.

I now live in the country, in a village where everyone has their first child in their 20s, and I am definitely anomalous as the 43 year old mother of a 3 year old. No one has ever asked me, though, possibly because I count as 'anomalous' in other ways, too - foreign, odd career, non-driver etc etc.

"my main concern is that the dds will be embarrassed."

Spot on. My mum had me at 40. She was a heavy smoker and just didn't look after herself. I got tired of telling strangers that she was my mum and not my grandmother.

I vowed that I would have all my children before I was 30. I had DD at 41.

Because of my experience I am far more careful about my health and the way I look than my mother ever was. I get my roots done regularly, I don't smoke and am meticulous about skincare. I have, fortunately, been blessed with looking younger than my years and intend to keep it that way.

Why would anyone be embarrassed of what their mum looked like?

Fair enough if she is sporting leopard print leggings and a faux fur pink coat but just being s bit older - I don't see why that would reflect badly on her or the child. My mum had me at 36 which was pretty old for the time I suppose but I wasn't embarrassed by it!

I'm genuinely lost at that!

I got asked if my son was my grandson the other day. I am 36 and he is 3!

It's not pleasant no and a bit depressing so I'm not surprised your cheesed off. People are thoughtless, there's not much you can do about it though. But on the plus side, many 52 year olds are grandmas, so it doesn't mean that you are prematurely aged or anything.

As a childless 41 year old TTCer who's had 3 miscarriages, I just want to thank all you lovely 'older' Mums for giving me hope.

If I ever get mistaken for my child's grandmother I can't say I won't be hurt, but I'll also be fecking delighted to be in that position at all! Keep smiling...

Someone assumed DH was DD's grandfather the other day (someone who had known DH for many years as he grew up so not even a stranger!) DH is 36 and looks like any other guy in his mid thirties, so I've no idea what she was thinking! It was hilarious though