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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ban DD's boyfriend from the house or worse.....

231 replies

Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 17:40

DD 15 has been with her boyfriend also 15 for two years. Which is way longer than I expected! They don't see an awful lot of each other. He doesn't really talk to me which I put down to him being shy however having overheard a few conversations recently I feel like smacking him in the face.

I wasn't being intentionally nosey much but I have heard him swearing at DD quite a lot of late called her a "dumb bitch" "stupid cunt" amongst other things. A few nights ago I heard him being so vile I went in and hung up after screeching a bit ! DD won't finish it with him as she said she "loves him to much and would be to upset" I have tried reasoning with her saying she is worth way more etc etc but she just won't leave him and takes her anger out on us rather than giving him a kick into shape! I can't bare to hear her being emotionally abused by the little fucker but it seems I can't force her to dump him (which is what I really want and am still persevering). Would I be unreasonable to message him or his mum?! Or just ban him coming here (which I have already kind of done but its not had desired affect). What would you do?!

OP posts:
crustsaway · 02/08/2015 21:04

something awful may have happened to him little but he has no right to be abusive to this girl.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 02/08/2015 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlehouseinthebigwoods · 02/08/2015 21:07

I'm not denying that, just saying don't assume he's been abusive for the entire 2 years. Of course his behaviour is unacceptable.

VerityWaves · 02/08/2015 21:09

He called her a cunt ?
I would have thrown him out of the house on his ear. Then had the talk with DD about red flags.
This is verbal abuse where do you think it will lead?

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 02/08/2015 21:12

Am I knock? If so my post was a response to your increasing insistence that this is all the OP' s fault, when in fact she sounds as if she is dealing very sensibly with the situation.

Additionally your comment that having several children is probably the reason that parents can end up with one child not turning out as "well" as I hisor her siblings despite being parented the same way. Your ssuggestionthat all women in your area and elsewhere bring their daughter's up to be subservient and it is therefore the mother's fault if a daughter is in an abusive relationship was a pretty wild and unsubstantiated accusation of mothers of girls, and I don't have to be a single parent to object to the assumption that the dd of a single parent has had abusive relationships modelled as normal by her mother.

Original poster
Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 21:15

Give it a rest crusts. You are judgemental and unrealistic if you control all your DC's decisions and actions they will rebel and just do it behind your back and make up pretty good excuses so you don't find out. I do know its not always been like this as I say for the hundredth time they rarely see each other so most of their relationship is via facetime and 99% of the time DD is watching tv with me whilst chatting to him.

OP posts:
Whipnaenae · 02/08/2015 21:15

crusts You seem very sure that women of your generation are teaching their daughters to be subservient. What makes you think that? or is that just what you are teaching your son?

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 21:17

The OP's child was with this boy since the age of 12
The child is now a teen of 14
The mother is saying the boy has called her Daughter a cunt etc

Im saying

The mother was a witness to the last 2 years.

My take on it

I would never ever advocate a 2 year relationship at that age, in fact I would be surprised they'd want to unless there was something lacking.

Id bloody know how this boy treated my daughter all along and would have stepped in far earlier

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 02/08/2015 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleeponeday · 02/08/2015 21:19

Lucy, I'd ignore tbh. I think the reality gap there is obvious to everyone else!

She has solid maternal support, and she's still really young. You are keeping the lines of communication open, and love clear and unconditional, and realistically, though he's not treating her in any way acceptably, none of us know how far it has gone or could go. He could just be a teenage snotrag. Still better getting rid, obviously! And banning him from the house is IMO good, as it shows demonstrably how seriously you take it.

They see each other incredibly rarely, as you say - is he at boarding school or something? It's unusual, even at that age, no?

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 21:21

I have no idea what you are on about whip.

Im quite happy to give an opinion and leave it at that.

A lot of people on here seem to need some sort of interaction?

I answer questions directed at me of course but Id rather you just had an opinion and leave it at that.

Original poster
Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 21:21

It was via the telephone or he'd definitely have been thrown out! I have had several chats with her about it being emotional abuse and completely wrong she didn't listen at first then did, then didn't. She currently wants to not mention it but has said she will be ignoring him till shes decided what to do. We are going to see the inside out tomorrow and go out for lunch so I'm hoping she will be more open to discussion again tomorrow.

OP posts:
lljkk · 02/08/2015 21:23

Are we parents really supposed to blame ourselves for all our kids' bad decisions? Because that definitely wasn't in the fine print when I fell pg.

NorksAreMessy · 02/08/2015 21:23

AHEM!
Peace and love

(What the bloody hell is going on here then?)

WayneRooneysHair · 02/08/2015 21:24

Crusts you are coming across as very ignorant and clueless.

Whipnaenae · 02/08/2015 21:25

Ok, here is my opinion crusts. I do not believe that the majority of women are teaching their daughters to be subservient. I believe that parents are not the only influence in a child's life. I also believe that those who shout loudest about how their son would never do such a thing like that are often in for a bit of a shock.

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 21:27

Us parents are surely inbuilt with a sense of whats right and pass it on? thats what parenting is all about. A parent that has disclosed her child has been with a boy from the age of 10ish and just disclosed that he's being abusive is naive on a good day.

Original poster
Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 21:27

They have just always not really been each others top priority which suited me more than them living in each others pockets and cutting friends out etc. Suited me till I heard how he spoke to her the other day. They are not at boarding school they just have different priorities he plays several sports and she does also. She has a strong circle of friends and is often having them round or going to theirs at weekends. It has always been that they see each other once maybe twice a month for very short periods of time but speak regularly on facetime.

OP posts:
crustsaway · 02/08/2015 21:28

apologies.. the age of 13.. not 10...

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 21:29

I cannot believe the boy has been great to the DD for 2 years and all of a sudden he's not. There must have been signs.

Original poster
Lucyneedspeace · 02/08/2015 21:30

Crusts you are very odd you have changed my DD's age three times she has gone from 10 to 11 to 12. She met him aged 13 at an age many have these boyfriends they barely see!

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 02/08/2015 21:31

I also believe that those who shout loudest about how their son would never do such a thing like that are often in for a bit of a shock.

From IRL and Mumsnet experience, women like that continue to believe it even when their sons are convicted. Their sons would never do such a thing, you see. So the shock never arrives.

Whipnaenae · 02/08/2015 21:32

True sleep.

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 21:33

well it suited you not to pay attention then Op.

Id not have him in my house and ask her why she would want to be with him.

WayneRooneysHair · 02/08/2015 21:33

Crusts give it a fucking rest.