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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

prostitute use

337 replies

BeatendownGF · 01/08/2015 08:09

I was talking to my DP of two years last night about stag dos and the issue of prostitutes came up. Whilst I am aware that DP received oral sex from a prostitute in Thailand a couple of years back, he has always maintained that he was in a bar (drunk) and the lady just got under the table and started doing her thing before he even realised what had happened. He also told me he viewed it as a stupid mistake. Whilst obviously not overjoyed by this, I could live with it because he regretted it and I thought he viewed it just as a stupid mistake.

However, last night it emerged that he also went to a brothel on the same holiday and received oral sex. He claims he hasn't lied to me and thought he had told me about the two incidents. I know this isn't true because it is not the sort of thing you forget really is it? Hmm

When I raised concerns about the fact that I felt he had lied to me he told me that he didn't see anything wrong with what he had done and that the majority of men would find it hard to resist sex on a plate. When I told him I thought he was better than that and that I felt he had exploited possibly vulnerable women (who often don't have a career choice) he told me that if he was single he would do the same again, as this is what happens on lads holidays and the ladies in Thailand were happy and could do worse than him.

AIBU to have lost trust in him and be devastated by his attitude?

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 02/08/2015 08:25

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

He blames his mistakes on being male ("it's what happens on lads' holidays, "any man would find it hard to resist"). It follows that you will never be able to challenge anything he does because in his mind, he's justified to do anything he wants by virtue of his gender. It also follows that you would get no such breaks if you did something you regret because you're female.

He's a chauvinist (and proud!) and I doubt very much that you will have a happy relationship with him.

rabbitstew · 02/08/2015 08:52

He objectifies those he doesn't care about and therefore cannot be trusted to have much empathy for those he supposedly does care for.

KungFuhrer · 02/08/2015 08:52

I really can't believe that some people think those poor women (children sometimes?) enjoy what they do. A few seconds search online brings up a range of "porn" videos of men raping prostitutes in Thailand.

araiba · 02/08/2015 08:55

"It happened here:

His friend was having full sex with one of the Thai ladies and he was hurting her because he was so big in comparison to her. Apparently she was about 4 ft 8.

They laughed about this afterwards."

i can see that she is small.

no mention of age or rape- you made this bit up

Itsmine · 02/08/2015 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsmine · 02/08/2015 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grumpysaurus · 02/08/2015 09:15

From your last post, leave the relationship and don't look back. Do you really want to be with a man who thinks (1) that it's OK to hurt a woman because you're paying her and (2) thinks that POV is so normal that he'd repeat it to you? He's 41 and you're 31 - do you want to spend the next 10 years trying to educate this "man" just so you can have more than two kids. Also, think of the message he'll give your future kids as he shows your sons what it is to be a real man or your daughters how women should be treated?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 02/08/2015 09:27

Do you have other reasons for feeling beaten down?

Mrsjayy · 02/08/2015 09:31

He sounds repulsive run very fast in the other direction

rabbitstew · 02/08/2015 09:32

He probably plays Grand Theft Auto...

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 02/08/2015 09:39

OMFG

A man who his big knows he is big. He chose some one who was very small to fuck. He would have known that it would likely hurt her. I would guess this is why he chose her. A lot of porn centres around the idea (fantasy) of women not being able to "take" the man. And he didn't stop when he knew he was hurting her. Why not? Because that was the point it was what he wanted. Hence laughing about it. That was the point, that was the fun.

And he knew she was in pain. How? Was she crying, welling up, asking him to stop, slow down? Wincing, pulling away? She was doing something, because he knew she was in pain, and he carried on. Anything else, if you are doing someone, and you tell someone that it hurts, you expect them to stop. This man carried on. We can assume that she wasn't in it for the pain, I think, or will people come along in a minute and say "oh no they all love that". It would have been better for her if he'd just hit her in the face and I think most people would agree that's an assault. But when he inflicts pain on her with her penis that's not an assault. Because she's a prostitute. I call it an assault.

OP leave this man immediately. He has friends who like to commit sexual violence, basically, that's what it boils down to whether people want to call it that or not. He finds it funny that his friend did that. He told you he would have no qualms about buying sex in these parts of the world again. He is horrible. Please ditch him. 32 really isn't that old, and really, having kids with this man sounds like a terrible idea. I mean, he's horrible, isn't he.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 02/08/2015 09:41

'He probably plays grand theft auto'.

What on earth does that mean? Guess what, I play it, managed never to use a prostitue Hmm.

rabbitstew · 02/08/2015 09:47

Grin. Couldn't resist. I can't stand the game.

KungFuhrer · 02/08/2015 09:55

WARNING:DISTRESSING LINK. COULD BE TRIGGERING.
Http:motherless.com/g/painal/B5815B5

This is just one of many videos of men having sex with prostitutes in Thailand. Yes, she consented, but I think it's clear to most people that what happens to her is rape. This is typical of of what the men who go there do to the prostitutes. But its OK, cos they have a different attitude to sex innit Hmm

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 02/08/2015 10:05

Nothing to do with the rabbit. Can only presume you've played it thoroughly to gain such an opinion though. Maybe keep to the subject at hand instead of bringing in you own, unrelated, agenda though?

araiba · 02/08/2015 10:07

im not clicking on any porn links

explain how consenting to have sex = rape?

BathtimeFunkster · 02/08/2015 10:07

bath that isn't rape.

Really?

He was having sex with a very small "lady" in a country where underage and child prostitution is rife.

So there is a good chance she was not old enough to consent to sex with a much older, much richer, paying customer.

Then she was in pain from the sex and he didn't stop.

Continuing to penetrate someone when you are hurting them, and when you know you are hurting them, and when there has been no agreement on safety words, is rape.

Whatever consent he had managed to gain beforehand (none, as far as I'm concerned) he no longer had it when she was expressing that she was in pain from what he was doing to her.

Anybody who could laugh at that is an out and out misogynist.

KungFuhrer · 02/08/2015 10:10

*Continuing to penetrate someone when you are hurting them, and when you know you are hurting them, and when there has been no agreement on safety words, is rape.

Whatever consent he had managed to gain beforehand (none, as far as I'm concerned) he no longer had it when she was expressing that she was in pain from what he was doing to her*

This^^

araiba · 02/08/2015 10:11

maybe she was small because she was 90 years old and has osteoporosis

MadamArcatiAgain · 02/08/2015 10:12

Am I being naïve, but in somewhere like Thailand do young women only do this because it is the only way they can get money to survive? So if you take this away they have no source of income at all?

BathtimeFunkster · 02/08/2015 10:16

maybe she was small because she was 90 years old and has osteoporosis

Ah, so you're one of the people who find this an amusing story?

araiba · 02/08/2015 10:18

in thailand minimum wage is around £5 a day ( for up to a 14 hour day!!) and for sometimes back breaking or generally not great jobs

some girls decide that they would rather earn £100 for having sex with someone plus quite often, foolish western men will carry on sending money to them even after their holiday.

its not an easy choice to make but it is one that can be understandable.

eldest daughters are also responsible for looking after their family- no state pension in thailand for her parents or free medical care etc.

by attitudes to sex, obviously they see rape as wrong ffs. but working in the sex industry is not as stigmatised as it may be in uk/ usa etc. the girl or her family wont shout about what she does but neither will people sneer at them.

KungFuhrer · 02/08/2015 10:19

im not clicking on any porn links

Why? You hardly seem a prude. It's just two people have sex (according to you). You can just delete from browsing history.

araiba · 02/08/2015 10:20

"maybe she was small because she was 90 years old and has osteoporosis

Ah, so you're one of the people who find this an amusing story?"

no i making stuff up or imagining things like others are doing.

all we know is that the girl was small- so many have claimed she was a child, being old is another explanation. or maybe she is a small adult- asians generally being smaller than westerners and all that

araiba · 02/08/2015 10:21

"im not clicking on any porn links

Why? You hardly seem a prude. It's just two people have sex (according to you). You can just delete from browsing history."

i'm using a work laptop