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AIBU?

prostitute use

337 replies

BeatendownGF · 01/08/2015 08:09

I was talking to my DP of two years last night about stag dos and the issue of prostitutes came up. Whilst I am aware that DP received oral sex from a prostitute in Thailand a couple of years back, he has always maintained that he was in a bar (drunk) and the lady just got under the table and started doing her thing before he even realised what had happened. He also told me he viewed it as a stupid mistake. Whilst obviously not overjoyed by this, I could live with it because he regretted it and I thought he viewed it just as a stupid mistake.

However, last night it emerged that he also went to a brothel on the same holiday and received oral sex. He claims he hasn't lied to me and thought he had told me about the two incidents. I know this isn't true because it is not the sort of thing you forget really is it?

When I raised concerns about the fact that I felt he had lied to me he told me that he didn't see anything wrong with what he had done and that the majority of men would find it hard to resist sex on a plate. When I told him I thought he was better than that and that I felt he had exploited possibly vulnerable women (who often don't have a career choice) he told me that if he was single he would do the same again, as this is what happens on lads holidays and the ladies in Thailand were happy and could do worse than him.

AIBU to have lost trust in him and be devastated by his attitude?

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OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 01/08/2015 08:52

Wow, YANBU at all. What a dick. Really sorry that you've discovered this about him OP. His attitude would be a dealbreaker for me

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DuchessFanny · 01/08/2015 08:55

Beaten down girlfriend of 2 years? Don't waste another minute of your time on this horrible twat! There's nothing 'darling' about your partner!

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SlaggyIsland · 01/08/2015 08:56

For me, use of prostitutes prior to our relationship would be a deal breaker. I wouldn't want someone with that attitude to women in my life.

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BeatendownGF · 01/08/2015 08:57

Mrs Gently - I don't think I am judging him on what he did before we got together. At least I hope I'm not.

What I'm most upset about is the fact that he doesn't regret exploiting vulnerable women and would do it again. I thought he was better than that.

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BathtimeFunkster · 01/08/2015 08:57

I don't think that you can judge him on what he did, pre-relationship, obviously I'm in the minority.

Really?

You can't judge a man for probably raping a woman and thinking she was lucky to be abused because it happened "pre-relationship"?

Prostitution in Thailand is not loads of wealthy students turning a few tricks because they love cock so much and can't think of a better way to pay their way through college.

You can't have any faith that a prostitute is genuinely consenting, and not being coerced. So at worst you are raping her. At best you are a man who doesn't care if he's raping her.

Either way, a pretty repulsive individual.

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Mrsjayy · 01/08/2015 08:59

I just couldnt be with somebody like that his attitude would disgust me there would be no thinking about it,

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AuntyMag10 · 01/08/2015 09:00

Yanbu, don't settle for a man who uses prostitutes, it's insight into the type of person he is. Besides it being so dirty and disgraceful, why do you want to associate and tie yourself to someone like that.

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TheWitTank · 01/08/2015 09:01

Yuck. I just couldn't bring myself to be with someone who had used a prostitute and would have to leave. It's so exploitative and I would also be concerned about STIs (presuming he hasn't been checked as he is do blasé about the whole situation). It's just grim. Sorry op.

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MrsGentlyBenevolent · 01/08/2015 09:07

What prostitution is not a regulated thing in Thailand, not all girls are raped either. You cannot imply that the OPs partner is a rapist, because you disagree with absolutely everything about prostitution.

Sorry op, it's just I gathered from the opening post that the second admission had caused you to lose trust in him and the relationship. If it's actually about you having a fundamental difference of opinion on something, then perhaps you cannot work out. Right or wrong, using a prostitue outside of your relationship is really none of your business. Obviously, using a poor sex trafficked girl would be awful, but if he had used a well established escort, would you feel the same? I guess its devils advocate in this context, as we really cannot know the full matter.

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WhoNickedMyName · 01/08/2015 09:07

Oh wow - just read your update, you could let the brothel incident go if he'd been honest.about it in the first place.

so you are OK with a man who used prostitutes, it's just not ok that he lied about it.

well in that case, as it was before you got together, and you are OK with the use of prostitutes, I'd think you should let it go.

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BIWI · 01/08/2015 09:11

I think your choice of name is also an interesting one - if you feel Beaten Down as his girlfriend, then it's time to move on and reclaim your self-esteem.

I would lose all respect for DH if I found out he'd done this, even if it was before we got together. And if he expressed the same views as your 'D'P, I'd be off.

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Bullshitbingo · 01/08/2015 09:14

You're not married and I'm presuming you have no kids together? Run away very fast.

This is the tip of the misogynistic iceberg, and it tells you everything you need to know about his attitude to women. He's telling you exactly who he is, loud and unashamedly. Please listen.

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KungFuhrer · 01/08/2015 09:14

My DH had sex with a prostitute once when he was 20, before we met. He fully admits that he used to hate women and that's why he didnt see a problem with it. He is not the same person anymore and finds what he did abhorrent, he sees how vulnerable the women are.

Do you think your DH hates women? Does he not get how vulnerable they are?

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BigDogsCock · 01/08/2015 09:15

This reply has been deleted

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QuiteIrregular · 01/08/2015 09:21

I can't quite understand the line being taken by some people here that 'whatever the moral issues if you weren't his girlfriend at the time it's his private concern'. Surely OP has every right to have moral queasiness about things her partner did, whether it was 'cheating' or not.

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Bluecheese22 · 01/08/2015 09:22

I misunderstood that it was before you were together. It's still an appalling thing to do but at least he wasn't with you at the time.

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SlaggyIsland · 01/08/2015 09:26

Exactly Quite what someone did before you get together with them matters a great deal!

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BeatendownGF · 01/08/2015 09:26

WhoNickedMyName - I'm not saying I agree with the use of prostitutes at all. I am considering ending my relationship because he says he would do it again.

My head is all over the place - I need to know whether he actually would do it again or if he just felt trapped and got defensive. If the latter and he actually does regret exploiting these women then perhaps I could let it go. I don't know. Perhaps my wording was poor.

BigDog - I came on here genuinely seeking advice and other perspectives. I don't know if you have RTFT but there has been a range of opinion.

In the nicest possible way, both your responses to this thread have been less than helpful.

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MrsGentlyBenevolent · 01/08/2015 09:34

But many people have done things pre-relationship that could be considered 'morally grey', in my opinion Quite. If they say 'that's not who I'll be with you', then can we say 'but now you told me, I think the relationship is over?'. Using prostitues, being a cheat, having caught an STD in the past, these are things that would probably very much suprised me if I was told. However, I would appreciate the honesty more than judge them about past discressions.

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Pucaet · 01/08/2015 09:38

In my experience, anyone who excuses behaviour and uses the word "lads" to do so, is almost definitely a wanker.
Ditto anyone who thinks that calling something a "lads holiday" means you can act like a cunt and no one is allowed to question your behaviour because its "what lads do" apparently

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BathtimeFunkster · 01/08/2015 09:40

I need to know whether he actually would do it again or if he just felt trapped and got defensive.

Maybe you should just believe him rather than inventing excuses for him?

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QuiteIrregular · 01/08/2015 09:42

Oh you're absolutely right that people change, or learn, or simply have different moral positions as they get older. And there's a lot of sense in honestly saying 'I was a different person then, and I know why I wouldn't do that now.' I'm just a bit surprised by the idea expressed by some people that sexual ethics are just about 'infractions' committed against the person you happen to be in a relationship with at the time.

Too much of an air of individualism for me, and too much possibility for slipping into an attitude that 'he's always been good to me and the children, what he gets up to elsewhere is private', an attitude which has winked at all sorts of exploitation over the years. (I'm not suggesting at all that this is the OP's attitude - clearly it isn't!) There's also something a bit, I dunno, contractual about that approach - that moral questions are limited by narrow agreements between individuals. Am not articulating this v well, I'm afraid!

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Mrsjayy · 01/08/2015 09:44

Thing is he shows no remorse none he has the attitude well it was Thailand thats their job why not etc etc his attitude is repulsive never mind actually doing it again with his attitude there is a chance he will, accidental blow jobs

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Pucaet · 01/08/2015 09:44

I guess you should figure out if he is either cluess about the realities of prostitution, especially in thailand, and has some weirdo deluded view that it's just what they choose to do or whatever, in which case he is wrong but probably not an awful person just an idiot or if he knows and just doesn't care, in which case you probably shouldn't want to be with someone that uses vulnerable women for fun and sees nothing wrong in it, in which case he is a massive dickhead

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BathtimeFunkster · 01/08/2015 09:45

If they say 'that's not who I'll be with you', then can we say 'but now you told me, I think the relationship is over?'

We can say whatever we want. We don't owe anyone a relationship.

I would not be interested in hearing "I used to think it was OK to coerce vulnerable women into sex (aka rape) but I won't do that when I'm with you."

I'm not into sex offender clean slates, and I consider going to Thailand to avoid what few laws there are in the UK about not sexually abusing women and children to be morally equivalent to doing it here. You go there because you know the women are poor, often trafficked, regularly as children.

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