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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

prostitute use

337 replies

BeatendownGF · 01/08/2015 08:09

I was talking to my DP of two years last night about stag dos and the issue of prostitutes came up. Whilst I am aware that DP received oral sex from a prostitute in Thailand a couple of years back, he has always maintained that he was in a bar (drunk) and the lady just got under the table and started doing her thing before he even realised what had happened. He also told me he viewed it as a stupid mistake. Whilst obviously not overjoyed by this, I could live with it because he regretted it and I thought he viewed it just as a stupid mistake.

However, last night it emerged that he also went to a brothel on the same holiday and received oral sex. He claims he hasn't lied to me and thought he had told me about the two incidents. I know this isn't true because it is not the sort of thing you forget really is it? Hmm

When I raised concerns about the fact that I felt he had lied to me he told me that he didn't see anything wrong with what he had done and that the majority of men would find it hard to resist sex on a plate. When I told him I thought he was better than that and that I felt he had exploited possibly vulnerable women (who often don't have a career choice) he told me that if he was single he would do the same again, as this is what happens on lads holidays and the ladies in Thailand were happy and could do worse than him.

AIBU to have lost trust in him and be devastated by his attitude?

OP posts:
LassUnparalleled · 01/08/2015 21:59

Itsmine
I guess you missed this. Do you seriously think the surrogate mother and 100s like her and mothers in India were doing it altruistically just for expenses?

Thailand bans commercial surrogacy for foreigners - www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-31546717

winewolfhowls · 01/08/2015 22:06

My opinion only.but I don't think I could be with a man who even went on this type of holiday regardless of what happened there because I would see it as revealing about their personality full stop

winewolfhowls · 01/08/2015 22:08

I would also think less of someone who couldn't withstand 'peer pressure' regardless of the issue involved

LassUnparalleled · 01/08/2015 22:09

I agree winewolf There's just too much of a disparity between what he thinks is OK and what I think.

LassUnparalleled · 01/08/2015 22:17

LHReturns What a profoundly depressing view of men. Going with a prostitute is just a rite of passage.

ReginaBlitz · 01/08/2015 22:30

Why would he even be telling you all this? Hardly something you tell the love of your life. It seems like he is proud of it. Tbh if was probably a shim as they are the most happy to do it. I would get rid now it's not nice

LHReturns · 01/08/2015 22:35

Lass, you are totally right, it is depressing. I'm not jumping for joy about it, but I do think there are certain groups of young men for whom the herd mentality takes over, and a fair few sad things happen. To be clear I am not condoning it, but I would forgive OP's partner if it was a one off cock-up (titter) far away in his distant single past. Unfortunately there seems to be more to her story so she may not get past it.

Tenieht · 01/08/2015 23:40

Poster who said they have a different attitude to sex over there is correct. Many enjoy their career and it makes them good money .

Ubik1 · 01/08/2015 23:51

TeniehT
They are driven into sex work by poverty. And you know that.

"Different attitude" ffs

LassUnparalleled · 02/08/2015 00:01

Even if what Tenieht said were true, it would still be irrelevant for me in deciding I would want nothing to do with this man.

Original poster
BeatendownGF · 02/08/2015 06:54

I have had a really bad night's sleep turning things round in my head over and over again. I'm just not sure I can move past this.

To make things worse he hasn't even been in touch to check that I am ok. I left his house late of Friday quite upset and for all he knows I could be lying dead in a ditch.

OP posts:
CPtart · 02/08/2015 07:14

Do you have DC OP? Do you want them? Is this the man with these attitudes and behaviours you want for their father? You are on a hiding to nothing with this man on so many levels. I don't know how how old you are but I wouldn't waste a further minute investing in this relationship.

Original poster
BeatendownGF · 02/08/2015 07:21

CPtart - no, I don't have children with him. I do want them though. I'm ten years younger than him in my early 30s so I really don't have that much time left if I want more than two.

I have just remembered something else which he said to me which has made me feel physically sick. His friend was having full sex with one of the Thai ladies and he was hurting her because he was so big in comparison to her. Apparently she was about 4 ft 8.

They laughed about this afterwards. Sad

OP posts:
CPtart · 02/08/2015 07:33

And you would willingly choose a man like that to potentially be a father to your daughter?
Think long term. Time is not on your side. Wake up and get out.

Daisss · 02/08/2015 07:33

Your first point is a deal breaker for me, as previous posters have already said everything that needed to me said about that I'll leave it there, however your last post is quite disturbing, he is a vile man and I'm sorry you have had to find out this way.

You're better than this, get rid of him, have a baby with a man who will not demoralise his own daughter because she is a woman.

araiba · 02/08/2015 07:37

it sounds like you have made your mind up so get on with it

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 02/08/2015 07:49

My ex dp told me a few months into our relationship that he had had sex with prostitutes 'about 5 times' both in the UK and in Thailand. Some of them were teenagers.

It was the beginning of the end. I couldn't get past it and it ruined our sex life. What bothered me was that he felt it was ok to exploit women in that way, and commodify them. Ok, a very small amount of sex workers might do it because they enjoy it, but let's face it, the majority are going to be doing it because they feel like it's their only option. And like your bf, he felt it was ok because he was youngish, good looking etc, but no, really still not ok in my book.

BathtimeFunkster · 02/08/2015 08:02

Apparently she was about 4 ft 8.

How old was she?

She might have been a child/young teenager. They start them very young in Thailand.

It's part of their "different attitude to sex" Hmm

He is an awful man.

He lied to you the first time about regretting it so that you would stay (but still know he was a punter).

Now he thinks he has you a bit more committed, he's trying to get you to accept that it's actually an OK thing to do.

The "sex on a plate" (boak) comment tells you that he won't be faithful to you, even apart from the laughing at underage sex workers being raped.

mimishimmi · 02/08/2015 08:07

If he was single and he didn't cheat on you (or another partner at the time), I'd probably let it go. The prostitution industry is huge over there and even I have to say I didn't get the feeling, when I went out at night, that most of the women were being forced against their will into it. There were some clearly miserable looking women but they seemed to be a small minority.

The number of sleazy looking old white guys though Hmm The worst one was a guy I saw checking out children (and I mean 5-6 year olds) whilst we were waiting to buy a bus ticket to Cambodia. Ugh...that made me feel really sick.

guinnessgirl · 02/08/2015 08:10

uggghhh. Sad those comments really make my skin crawl. It's a no-brainer, OP - run like the wind and never look back. You say you need to start soon if you want DCs, but think about it - would you rather start earlier and have lots of DCs with a man who clearly has no respect for women, and problems with telling the truth, or start later and have fewer DCs with a man you trust and respect?

araiba · 02/08/2015 08:11

"even apart from the laughing at underage sex workers being raped."

when did this happen?

you can't just make stuff up....

YouBastardSockBalls · 02/08/2015 08:12

What an awful man. With awful friends.

The sooner you cut him loose, the more time you have to find someone decent Flowers

rabbitstew · 02/08/2015 08:12

Well, he doesn't have the excuse he was young and should have known better - he was in his late 30s at the time! And I seriously doubt he would stop doing it when he no longer thought the women concerned were lucky to have him. He'll do it far more frequently when he is old, fat and physically repellent, because that's the only way he'll be getting what he wants by then. He might end up in the House of Lords one day, though. Grin

rabbitstew · 02/08/2015 08:18

Personally, I think it's an oddity of this country that people think they can get away with showing that they don't enjoy their jobs. What a stupid comment, to suggest that because a sex worker is smiling and laughing, they must be enjoying their job. They put themselves in physical danger every night and have to have sex with all sorts of odious twerps.

BathtimeFunkster · 02/08/2015 08:18

It happened here:

His friend was having full sex with one of the Thai ladies and he was hurting her because he was so big in comparison to her. Apparently she was about 4 ft 8.

They laughed about this afterwards.