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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to leave my husband

184 replies

babybooboo123 · 28/07/2015 15:36

im 21 hes 51 we have 3 kids which I don't have a bond with one child of them, he adores the child which I don't, he doesn't give my other 2 children any attention (rather tell them to shut up or go to bed... bare in mind they are all under the age of 4) we are always arguing over the child I have no bond with, all the child does is cry and hit the other 2, youngest child is 7months. so when the the child hits the others they will go to there room to cool off, and all my husband says is'#@*&?! been in that room all day, or you F ING hate your own child, basically the sun shines out of child's arse, I am always in the wrong. I have about 4 to 5 hours broken sleep every night whilst husband sleep like a baby. I wake up I change there nappies . do there breakfast and husbands , then I start cleaning cooking playing with 2 children whiled daddy has other 1 on his lap kissing cuddling playing and ignores the my 2.
anyway we have moved home 6months ago and we have done nothing but argue, if he wants sex he must have or he wont talk to me. he controls the money as he says i will just buy anything. he wont put my name on tenancy as he think I would tell him to leave and keep the house (but I wouldn't do that as I hate this house it is soooo isolated and everyone is old!)
when I do a Tesco shop online he want to check what I have put on, so I can't put chocolate or snacks on, I can't go out shopping unless I take all the kids as he says I am NOT BABY SITTING, all I do is cry STRESS and feel like I have no responsibility ,,, but when I ask him these question when I have a visitor round he says I dont stop you going or doing what u want, you know if u want so money you get some, but its lies, basically I want to leave him and take the 2children but leave 1 with him, but he would take my phone off me so I couldn't call no1 he wouldn't give me any money so I couldn't get anywhere he wouldn't let me take any clothes as he says I brought them, I wouldn't know what to do where to go no money just me 2 kids ages 3 and 7months , oh I forgot he smokes weed and makes me feel belittled as he can but weed but I can't buy a chocolate bar for a pound, I live where there is no transport and no1 i know so I could go there house. I am fucked, im fed up what would u do , many thanks x

OP posts:
YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 28/07/2015 15:44

Yanbu to want to leave him, he sounds very controlling. YabVu to want to leave 1 child and take the other 2

MaidOfStars · 28/07/2015 15:44

Where are you? Can you contact Women's Aid and ask for help? There will be a local branch near you, I hope.

Bubblesinthesummer · 28/07/2015 15:46

Are all 3 children yours or just 2?

AlwaysSpoiled34 · 28/07/2015 15:49

You know you are not. Besides that you probably heard the economist quote: " There is not such thing as a free lunch".

PumpkinPie2013 · 28/07/2015 15:49

YANBU because it sounds like your husband is controlling and abusive.

With regards to the child you feel you have no bond with - have you spoken to your GP or HV? They should be able to help you with your feelings. If you have spoken to them, please get in touch with them again and tell them you need help. Perhaps show them what you have written here?

Can you contact women's aid - they should be able to give practical advice and support.

ollieplimsoles · 28/07/2015 15:49

Are all three children your biological children op?

Have you considered any sort of therapy to help you bond with the child you don't have a connection with? Something appears to have gone very wrong.

YANBU to want to leave him, you are very young and he is controlling and nasty. So sorry if this is not relevant to you but is this an arranged marriage?- I only ask because it could determine how much support you get from your family to leave him or not.

Justincaseyoudidntknow · 28/07/2015 15:50

So you were 17 when you had your first child with a man who was 47? Is that correct? How long have you been with him?
Are all the children yours? Is the father to all the children?
You need help. Call women's aid, he is abusing you in many different ways

Gottagetmoving · 28/07/2015 15:51

Neither of you sound like perfect parents.
You seem to accept you don't have a bond with one child,..doesn't this bother you? Can you not get help over it from a health visitor or doctor?
The poor child will suffer if you don't try to sort this out.
Your DH may give that child a lot of attention because you don't?

Why did you marry your DH?

ADishBestEatenCold · 28/07/2015 15:52

Are you both biological parents of all three children?

If not, which ones are his, which your, which both of yours? Ages?

Which child is it you can't bond with?

whois · 28/07/2015 15:52

If everything is true, it looks like you started having babies when you were what? 18? With an abusive and controlling man who was 48?

That is basically tantamount to grooming and sexual abuse in my eyes.

Do you have parents you can go back to?

Bubblesinthesummer · 28/07/2015 15:54

I start cleaning cooking playing with 2 children whiled daddy has other 1 on his lap kissing cuddling playing and ignores the my 2.

You are ignoring the other one though.

sun shines out of child's arse

This isn'the a particularly nice thing to say about a young child tbh.

May be contact the council about housing.

bendybrickpumpkinpatch · 28/07/2015 15:56

You must leave but you can't leave your child who is under 4 with this man.

Bubblesinthesummer · 28/07/2015 15:59

You must leave but you can't leave your child who is under 4 with this man

OP says they are all under 4 including the one 'she doesn't bond with'

littlemslazybones · 28/07/2015 16:07

I'd be highly suspicious of a man who groomed a teenager in any case but even more so where they heap affection on only one child and ignores the other two whilst simultaneously driving a wedge between the mother and the favoured child.

What would I do? Best case senario, your husband is a controlling cunt. Take all your children and run.

Original poster
babybooboo123 · 28/07/2015 16:11

all 3 kids r his and mine. I am on adp been on them a while I am having 1 2 1 with health visitor, we don'tlive near a doctors its 6 miles away, my husband won't buy a car a taxi will cost £30 just to get there. I talk to my dad who lives over 60miles away, I have no family or friends,

OP posts:
pickingstrawberries · 28/07/2015 16:12

She can't help feeling how she feels.

ollieplimsoles · 28/07/2015 16:12

How on earth did you end up marrying him op?!

elbowsdontsing2 · 28/07/2015 16:15

have you posted about this before it sounds really familar, im sorry things havent improved if you have.
my advice is to get out, get help and advice from womens aid ,lifes too short to put up with this shit and take all 3 babies with you

Original poster
babybooboo123 · 28/07/2015 16:16

the worst thing is when the child I have no bond with is asleep or in her room my husband is the best dad the best husband my best friend but as soon as the child is AWAKE all hell brakes loose , he is a different man when the child is up!!! so people can say I'm evil but I really don't think its me who is evil when I try to bond with the child he just belittles me and says i like my mum and that im so ungrateful and I just want want want but I don't ! I'm sick of it

OP posts:
pickingstrawberries · 28/07/2015 16:17

You're not eviil.

londonrach · 28/07/2015 16:18

Please leave this man and take all three children. Very worried re a man of that age with a 17 year old who now kissing etc one child out of three.is that child female. Please dont leave that child. Contact woman aid. Good luck op x

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2015 16:19

OK, trying to take a different view here. Is it that you truly haven't bonded with this particular child or is it that your partner favours this child and neglects the other two to the point where you (consciously or unconsciously) overcompensate in favour of the other two to make things more 'even'? Or is it possible that your partner has set things up so that you are isolated from that child and have never been able to bond with him/her. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, think about it. Try to think of whether or not you would feel the same way about that child if your partner were more equal in his affection for all three or if he got out of the way in your interactions with that child.

Another thing to consider, if this is the eldest child, do you feel that if it weren't for that child you wouldn't be with this horrible man? Was this child the result of marital rape or an unwanted pregnancy? In other words, could your reason for not bonding be based in resentment?

I realize these are intrusive questions. They're more intended as things for you to think about as opposed to expecting you to answer them here.

You do need to get out. You should take all three children, but only if you are sure that you can care for them (emotionally and physically) equally. Contact WA and ask for help in getting out.

Do you have any friends or family in RL? You were so very young when you became involved with this man that I fear you may be isolated from those who care about you.

CPtart · 28/07/2015 16:22

I hope you're using reliable contraception whilst you sort out this mess.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2015 16:24

Xpost. Your dad may be 60 miles away, but that's not that far in the grand scheme of things. Can he not help you?

I may be way, way, way out of line, but was this an arranged marriage? I can't explain why that thought is niggling at me, but it is.

Is this female child he favours your only daughter?

ollieplimsoles · 28/07/2015 16:29

Across I asked about arranged marriage too, it was one of the first things I thought after reading the op.