to want to leave my husband

[babybooboo123]

im 21 hes 51 we have 3 kids which I don't have a bond with one child of them, he adores the child which I don't, he doesn't give my other 2 children any attention (rather tell them to shut up or go to bed... bare in mind they are all under the age of 4) we are always arguing over the child I have no bond with, all the child does is cry and hit the other 2, youngest child is 7months. so when the the child hits the others they will go to there room to cool off, and all my husband says is'#@*&?! been in that room all day, or you F ING hate your own child, basically the sun shines out of child's arse, I am always in the wrong. I have about 4 to 5 hours broken sleep every night whilst husband sleep like a baby. I wake up I change there nappies . do there breakfast and husbands , then I start cleaning cooking playing with 2 children whiled daddy has other 1 on his lap kissing cuddling playing and ignores the my 2.
anyway we have moved home 6months ago and we have done nothing but argue, if he wants sex he must have or he wont talk to me. he controls the money as he says i will just buy anything. he wont put my name on tenancy as he think I would tell him to leave and keep the house (but I wouldn't do that as I hate this house it is soooo isolated and everyone is old!)
when I do a Tesco shop online he want to check what I have put on, so I can't put chocolate or snacks on, I can't go out shopping unless I take all the kids as he says I am NOT BABY SITTING, all I do is cry STRESS and feel like I have no responsibility ,,, but when I ask him these question when I have a visitor round he says I dont stop you going or doing what u want, you know if u want so money you get some, but its lies, basically I want to leave him and take the 2children but leave 1 with him, but he would take my phone off me so I couldn't call no1 he wouldn't give me any money so I couldn't get anywhere he wouldn't let me take any clothes as he says I brought them, I wouldn't know what to do where to go no money just me 2 kids ages 3 and 7months , oh I forgot he smokes weed and makes me feel belittled as he can but weed but I can't buy a chocolate bar for a pound, I live where there is no transport and no1 i know so I could go there house. I am fucked, im fed up what would u do , many thanks x

Picking - I agree with cherry that the damage has been done. From the op's comments it seems that the situation has gone beyond her having "quality time" with her daughter and suddenly being able to bond with her. Her posts are a cry for help and give no indication that she can meet that child's emotional needs.

finding thank you, you've put it much more eloquently than I have.

Why is every one jumping the gym saying the husband is grooming his daughter
Maybe just maybe he is giving her the love and affection that she clearly doesn't get from her mother !
Also hasn't anyone else noted the tone of jelously when op mentions her daughters relationship with her father in this post and others
The child is better off with either her father or quite frankly in care

Well the "father" got a teen of what, 17 at best pregnant when he was in his late forties, married her and 2 more children in a clearly abusive relationship. It's not jumping the gun to see him as a predator and a fucking weirdo.

There are a number of warning factors which have been highlighted further up the thread (and I speak from professional experience).

And no one else has picked up on the way op speaks about her daughter and the jelous tone she uses

It's not unusual for the mother of a groomed child to have feelings of jealousy. It's irresponsible to minimise the risk presented in the op's posts.

Oh shit, I agree that imo the most likely thing is that he is over compensating because of the way her mum is. I guess it's just a case of its more important to have a look and then give an all clear rather than not just in case something has happened. A professional assessment of the family unit is definitely needed.

The OP says that her OH is "perfect" when the middle child is not around. Her issues are with the live and attention he gives her.
I think posters who are suggesting she leaves with all 3 children should consider the position that will put the "unwanted" 2 year old in, at risk of neglect and emotional abuse.
SC intervention is desperately needed here. Internet advice is damning the Nile with a twig.

OP- get help from a medical professional. Your children are at risk.

OP you need to call on some professional advice. This situation is not healthy for you or your DC. Please call women's aid. There will be a way for them to get you out and help you and your kids. You won't regret it.

I sympathise with the OPs predicament in her marriage. But none of that is the child's fault. Perhaps the problems the OP has with the child stem from abuse, PND etc, etc, etc. But even if they do from the child's perspective that will not make any difference, it won't make what's happening any less traumatic, frightening or damaging.

Even if the OP leaves no magic wand will wave and suddenly she will love her daughter. She wrote elsewhere that her daughter has developmental problems and I don't think the OP is capable of coping with them.

This child needs to be in foster care. Mumsnet have said before that they don't breach confidentiality unless they think someone is in danger. Personally I think this case crosses the line and this child is in danger. The OP has been quite clear elsewhere that she hates the child and thinks she's evil.

The OPs marriage may be awful, but she is an adult who can leave. DD is a child. She is helpless. She needs an adult to rescue her from this.

I don't think anybody on this thread can decisively say he's grooming her. All the more reason for an SS investigation in RL.

Potentially people on this thread could be encouraging an EA parent to remove a child from the only person who loves and protects her. We don't know. OP needs to contact SS and tell them what's happening so this girl can be made safe.

This child needs to be in foster care. Mumsnet have said before that they don't breach confidentiality unless they think someone is in danger. Personally I think this case crosses the line and this child is in danger. The OP has been quite clear elsewhere that she hates the child and thinks she's evil

Having just read the OPs previous threads, I agree.

Evil and wanting her gone are not terms should be used about a 2 year old.

OP you're in such a shitty situation, I could cry for you.

You've been given some fantastic advice. Please ring Womens Aid.

And don't leave your daughter. She is not evil. She's not the enemy. If you want to get away because of how bad he is, don't you realise how bad it would be for her? You're an adult, she's a child.

You do have options, anything is better than this.

I know. I have found the 'wanting her gone' posts particularly worrying.

OP one of your threads from June 12th says you only have 2 kids?

I feel from what you have said that your husband os paying more attention to your 2 year old because you don't, you also say you send the child to their room a lot for hitting... The child is 2 years old and has 2 siblings, what do you expect?? You are unfairly treating this poor baby.
My daughter was also 3 months prem, I suffered PND and had found it hard to bond but I would never treat her so badly. I still played with her, cared for her and the bond came.
I really feel for your daughter and think you need to seek help from your GP.

Grays do you not realise how bad it could potentially be for her with her mother?

I don't think that trying to convince the op to bond with her daughter on a mn thread is going to work.

There are warning factors in relation to both parents and expert intervention is imperative.

Op are you still reading this thread?

It sounds like you are in a horrible place right now and for the sake of yourself and all your children that needs to change.

How would you feel about asking your GP, social services or an organisation like Women's Aid to help you?

Does your husband come to your medical appointments? That might be a way to talk to someone confidentially. Don't hold back-tell soneone everything that's been happening in the family, be totally honest and don't worry about what they'll think. You don't want to look back in ten years time and wonder how life might have been different if you'd got the help you clearly need.

Grays do you not realise how bad it could potentially be for her with her mother?

Yes of course I do, but I don't think leaving her with this man is the right route either. The best option would for her to go into foster, but that isn't going to happen overnight.

After reading the OP's other threads it's clear this is a major issue and none of us here are going to be able to help her. OP has seen a health visitor and GP. I just so hope she hasn't got lost in the system :(

Maybe he just loves his daughter. The op favours her sons but I don't see anyone suggesting she is grooming them.

Any red flags need to be investigated promptly but we can't just jump to conclusions that he is abusing this little girl.

My God that poor little girl. Op please talk to someone, gp, hv, whoever. Show them the poem you wrote on the other thread. If you can't do it for you, or for her, do it for her brothers who will one day look to you for explanations about the way their sister was treated.

I don't believe this is your fault, and there is so much else going on here, but quite frankly the only thing that matters at this point is getting that precious child who is 2 YEARS OLD and has done absolutely nothing wrong other than behaving like a normal 2 year old - to a place of protection.

OP.

Would it help for you to PM me/someone else with details of the town you live in, so that we can make some phone calls to an agency of your choice, on your behalf?

I suggest this, as I imagine it might be difficult/daunting for you to reach out for help.

Your daughter is not evil. A two year old is incapable of being evil. The fact that you consider that to be a rational thought, indicates that you have lost touch with reality with regards to that child.

Please rescue yourself and your children. Taking the unbonded child with you doesn't mean that you'd have to look after her without help and support, providing your are prepared to accept help & support, that is.

Well the general consensus is that a child is better off with a parent

No. The general conscensus is that a child is better of is a stable loving environment.

And cherry alrhough that is not rape it is sexual coercion and a form of sexual abuse within an abusive relationship.

This is a massively abusive rs. Emotional, sexual and financial abuse and in all probability physical abuse too.

The OP states she would like to leave. She should. But she is unsure what to do about dc2. If this is the barrier to her leaving then as a temporary measure it may be in all the dcs interest and the OPs for dd2 to be in temp foster care until the OP can get her bearings outside of a deeply harmful rs and have a chance to bond with her dd under less stressful circs. I.e. this solution takes the pressure off and allows the situation to move forwards and OP to get help she needs and critically for DD to be in a more normal healthy environmemt.

There are all kinds of complex psychological and emotional dynamics going on here.
The OP has got into a very damaging situation very young which suggests (apologiesOP) that she probably did not have the most healthy stable of upbringings herself and was barely out of childhood herself before being plunged into parenthood. She probably has a lot of recovering to do.

And no her dh is not just compensating!! Firstly, normal.parents do not compensate by completely ignoring their other children. That is EA. And how is financially abusing the OP compensating? He's abusive and controlling and this is part of it. Classic divide and conquer dynamic. It fucks up everyone, both favoured and not and fosters resentment between siblings.
Plus OP says she hits and cries a lot. It might be normal terrible twos and it might be symptomatic of distress.

The OP may be suffering from psychotic pnd and needs to be allowed to work through this in a supported environment not told that she has to push her feelings aside and deal with a child she cannot cope with. The interests of the child come first when deciding where the child should be placed. And the OPs best interests are getting out of there asap.

Hopefully in the long term there will be a happy outcome for all of them.

OP please contact WA. Arrange to get out to a place of safety and get all your dc to safety even if that safe place is for mow not with you. There is no shame is admitting you cannot cope with a child and getting help to keep that child safe. The shame comes when people cannot cope with a child and allow harm to come to them by keeping them when they should not.