to want to leave my husband

[babybooboo123]

im 21 hes 51 we have 3 kids which I don't have a bond with one child of them, he adores the child which I don't, he doesn't give my other 2 children any attention (rather tell them to shut up or go to bed... bare in mind they are all under the age of 4) we are always arguing over the child I have no bond with, all the child does is cry and hit the other 2, youngest child is 7months. so when the the child hits the others they will go to there room to cool off, and all my husband says is'#@*&?! been in that room all day, or you F ING hate your own child, basically the sun shines out of child's arse, I am always in the wrong. I have about 4 to 5 hours broken sleep every night whilst husband sleep like a baby. I wake up I change there nappies . do there breakfast and husbands , then I start cleaning cooking playing with 2 children whiled daddy has other 1 on his lap kissing cuddling playing and ignores the my 2.
anyway we have moved home 6months ago and we have done nothing but argue, if he wants sex he must have or he wont talk to me. he controls the money as he says i will just buy anything. he wont put my name on tenancy as he think I would tell him to leave and keep the house (but I wouldn't do that as I hate this house it is soooo isolated and everyone is old!)
when I do a Tesco shop online he want to check what I have put on, so I can't put chocolate or snacks on, I can't go out shopping unless I take all the kids as he says I am NOT BABY SITTING, all I do is cry STRESS and feel like I have no responsibility ,,, but when I ask him these question when I have a visitor round he says I dont stop you going or doing what u want, you know if u want so money you get some, but its lies, basically I want to leave him and take the 2children but leave 1 with him, but he would take my phone off me so I couldn't call no1 he wouldn't give me any money so I couldn't get anywhere he wouldn't let me take any clothes as he says I brought them, I wouldn't know what to do where to go no money just me 2 kids ages 3 and 7months , oh I forgot he smokes weed and makes me feel belittled as he can but weed but I can't buy a chocolate bar for a pound, I live where there is no transport and no1 i know so I could go there house. I am fucked, im fed up what would u do , many thanks x

Picking we aren't being unkind. She states she wasn't forced into having children at all (unless I've misread).

We can have all the sympathy in the world but it doesn't change the fact that the dd should not be with her mum. Whether that's her fault or not, the reasons why she is not loved won't matter to her dd.

After reading "I don't want her in my life, if it was up to me she would be gone" (amongst other very frightening posts) I want to hug the child!

The OP is ill, but her child is at risk Picking and as brutal as it may seem, this needs addressing before anything else.

Oh my god some of these posts are so irresponsible!! Stop projecting your own past, this is extremely serious and for people to actually recommend a woman who has written at length about her hatred for this child take her away, are you mad? This woman needs help immediately not to do a midnight flit with 3 children, one of which she has said she hates! That's NOT the same thing as not having a bond yet.

Frightening isn't it Sr

I've honestly never been so appalled at such dreadful downright dangerous advice been given on here before.

What an awful situation, I don't think a thread has ever worried me quite so much.

Like you I'm flabbergasted that people think the OP should take all 3 children. I just hope that the OP reaches out and gets some professional help and gets that little girl in a loving environment pronto.

Hoping for an update in the morning.

babybooboo123 I am so sorry you are in this terrible situation.

Please, please, get professional help. Explain to Women's Aid or to your GP or health visitor how you are being treated in your home by this man, the abuse, the control, the coercive sex and also explain how you feel about your daughter and your other children. Professionals will not be shocked and will have your and ALL your children's needs in mind.

www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010018&sectionTitle=Contact+Us

I do wonder if you are suffering from post natal depression, especially in relation to your daughter. And if so, you can get some help for that.

There is a risk to your children, it might be from their father, or from seeing you be abused by him - I have not read if there is domestic abuse but there is definitely coercive and cruel treatment (I've tried to read most posts but might have missed some), this treatment the kids will pick up on, and maybe your daughter is at risk of neglect from the fact you cannot (yet) bond with her.

If all these risks continue you may find that something goes even more terribly wrong and things are taken out of your control. At the moment you have control, although it may not feel like it. You can leave him with all your children and ask social services for help. This may mean that your daughter goes into temporary foster care, which could happen in a matter of hours if you explain the situation to social services and they feel it is best for your daughter. Your husband would not necessarily be removed from the children's life, social services could access him as a parent independently and would do what was in the children's best interests.

your current situation sounds pretty desperate and miserable, wouldn't it be wonderful to get some help, to be taken seriously and have some of your needs met? To not be coerced into sex with a man you do not care for, to be able to seek help for your children and do what is right for all of them, whatever that may be?

Please get help. By asking for help now, rather than waiting until something awful might happen in the future, you will have more control, you can explain how your situation has developed and how your husband has robbed you of your independence and basically is keeping you prisoner looking after the children with no car, bus, money etc isolated etc.

Please do not miss the chance to get help now.

Thinking of you, it sounds very grim but you can take control with help.

Bless you, babybooboo123.

cherry I am not saying OP should have her dd with her. I am just saying she shouldn't leave her in the sole care of an abusive parent either. (Which you were advocating)

That is what she is proposing doing but I think she knows she cannot. Hence she is trapped, cannot take her, cannot leave her. And the situation becomes increasingly dangerous for all of them.

I am saying there is a third way.

Yes he may not be abusive to dd despite being abusive to the OP. And then again is it a risk worth taking? He may not be abusive to a 2 year old but what about when she is 10, 12 or 16? (The age when he presumably met OP) I would be wanting a thorough SS investigation into that before I left him in sole care.

Safer for dd to be in foster care while both parents are assessed, the OPs needs dealt with and a decision made in the best interests of the child.

Please OP reach out and get some help.
You have managed to tell MN your problems you can email someone in rl and tell them too.

Great post italian.

babyboo please take italians advice. I know getting away may seem inpossibke but it isn't. You can do it.

I wasn't advocating leaving her with someone who is abusive towards her at all.

I've said numerous times there needs to be an investigation into her father by relevant authorities if there is the slightest suspicion. I have also said the best place for her is temp foster care.

All I have said is that people cannot assume the husband is abusive towards dd and a paedophile. My main issue was people telling the OP to run with all 3 children, taking her from a potentially at risk situation to a definitely at risk situation.

OP you have so many issues going on here and from your tone, I'm thinking that you're not coping at all well with this situation. I can only repeat what other posters have said which is that you must find a way of reaching out to someone who could help you! WA, Social Services, doctor, HV or even police!
You almost sound like you're being kept prisoner as he controls all money, communications and your ability to get out of the house , which sounds deliberately and somewhat creepily, remote.

Maybe asking MNHQ even? They could maybe put you in touch with someone who could point you in the right direction?

Our hearts bleed for you.

The OP has been gone a while. I hope she is still reading.

I would be surprised if her husband wasn't keeping tabs on her internet use if he's as controlling as her posts suggest.

Hello babybooboo123.

You've asked for help lots of times. Good for you. You have said that deep down you love all your children really. Now is the time to do something about that.

You don't need anyone to tell you that you're the adult in this situation so it's up to you to get the ball rolling. Start telling the right people what's happening so they can help you change things for the better. Mumsnet was a good start but it's time to tell people who can respond. Being honest with the Health Visitor was a good first step. All you have to do is make two phone calls - one to your doctor's surgery and another to Women's Aid.

Ring your GP's surgery and ask for an urgent call back from the GP and the Health Visitor. Make your own list of what to say before you call. Or use this one.

Tell them you are having very low mood.
Tell them about your DH not letting you have any money.
Tell them you are trapped and can't even go to the doctor. This is abuse so make sure you tell them this situation is abusive and is at crisis point.
Tell them that you need to leave but you physically can't and this is affecting your daughter.
Tell them you're worried about your daughter because of the way you feel about her at the moment. Deep down, you are worried about her, it's obvious. You wouldn't have written those poems if you weren't worried and sad about her.

The next thing to do is phone Women's Aid
Tell them you're trapped without money.
Tell them that you need medical care but you can't even get to the GP.
Tell them you want to leave but you can't.
Tell them you're worried about your little girl because of how you feel about her.
Tell them that you urgently need accommodation while you're accessing help from social services because you and your children are in an abusive situation. You are, you know. You're basically a prisoner and a servant. No one has the right to make you live like that.

Your little girl could to be taken into temporary foster care to give you breathing space. That would not be the worst thing in the world that could happen - it just means you haven't any family around to help you through this hard patch. Don't leave her with your husband. Social workers can work out if he's the right person for her to be with at a later stage. Once you're feeling better and out of this situation, you might well feel completely differently about her.

You have a choice here. My worry is that you will snap if you go on like this. If that were to happen, it seems likely that your daughter might bear the brunt of that. Not only would that be a disaster for her, it might also mean that your own life was ruined and your boys taken away. It's time to make sure all that doesn't happen. You owe it to yourself and your kids. You are strong enough to do this.

Brilliant post featherandblack, I only hope the OP sees it.

babybooboo123 How are you today?

The post from featherandblack is spot on. The fear about you losing custody of all your kids is what was going through my mind too.

You can also phone the police. If you want to leave and fear you will be stopped they can come and maje sure you are allowed to leave (what your dh is doing is now a criminal offence as if last year).

minkGrundy can you link to an article about the criminal offence bit, please? I think I know what you mean but do not want to presume. Thanks

The Serious Crime act 2015, domestic abuse, controlling and coercive behaviour
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2015/9/section/76/enacted

Became law in England and Wales in March this year.

Ooooh, that is lovely!

Thank you for the suggestion.

Oh crap, wrong thread - do please ignore me.

I feel really uneasy about this thread and want to do something.

I know how you feel desert, hopefully op has taken some advice and called someone

I no I said I hate my daughter but the truth is I don't hate her. Of cause I don't hate her she's my little girl who was bloody lucky to be here. I think this grooming talk is sick! You should be ashamed! Thanks for all the nice supported messages. The main thing what's wrong with me is that I have NO independence and I want it. I want to be in control of children's and my money I want to be able to walk down a road and buy some sweets I want to see my friends . my husband thinks he noes best. I spoke to him last night and I told him I want out, out of the marrage, out of living here everything I told him I will take all the kids and he said if that is want I want to do then fine he won't stop me. I WANT responsibilities , I want to say look I did that but the problem is I don't want to hurt him, and you will probs think this is sick but I love him but I'm not in love with him if you get me. I don't want to stop him seeing the kids. I going to get in touch with a few people you have suggested and see what they think . but seriously I didn't mean I actuyhate my child. How can I she's a little me ? (devil child ????)

Op - I hope you get the help that you need. However the information that you gave raised genuine concerns both in relation to your own parenting and that of your husband.

I sincerely hope that your situation improves but I still stand by my concerns, particularly as others have pointed out your history of making similar alarming comments.

I hope you follow the good advice you've been given about the various agencies that can help you.

Best wishes for your future and that of your children

People are only speaking out of concern for you and your children OP.
It's good you are being proactive and going to get help.