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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to leave my husband

184 replies

babybooboo123 · 28/07/2015 15:36

im 21 hes 51 we have 3 kids which I don't have a bond with one child of them, he adores the child which I don't, he doesn't give my other 2 children any attention (rather tell them to shut up or go to bed... bare in mind they are all under the age of 4) we are always arguing over the child I have no bond with, all the child does is cry and hit the other 2, youngest child is 7months. so when the the child hits the others they will go to there room to cool off, and all my husband says is'#@*&?! been in that room all day, or you F ING hate your own child, basically the sun shines out of child's arse, I am always in the wrong. I have about 4 to 5 hours broken sleep every night whilst husband sleep like a baby. I wake up I change there nappies . do there breakfast and husbands , then I start cleaning cooking playing with 2 children whiled daddy has other 1 on his lap kissing cuddling playing and ignores the my 2.
anyway we have moved home 6months ago and we have done nothing but argue, if he wants sex he must have or he wont talk to me. he controls the money as he says i will just buy anything. he wont put my name on tenancy as he think I would tell him to leave and keep the house (but I wouldn't do that as I hate this house it is soooo isolated and everyone is old!)
when I do a Tesco shop online he want to check what I have put on, so I can't put chocolate or snacks on, I can't go out shopping unless I take all the kids as he says I am NOT BABY SITTING, all I do is cry STRESS and feel like I have no responsibility ,,, but when I ask him these question when I have a visitor round he says I dont stop you going or doing what u want, you know if u want so money you get some, but its lies, basically I want to leave him and take the 2children but leave 1 with him, but he would take my phone off me so I couldn't call no1 he wouldn't give me any money so I couldn't get anywhere he wouldn't let me take any clothes as he says I brought them, I wouldn't know what to do where to go no money just me 2 kids ages 3 and 7months , oh I forgot he smokes weed and makes me feel belittled as he can but weed but I can't buy a chocolate bar for a pound, I live where there is no transport and no1 i know so I could go there house. I am fucked, im fed up what would u do , many thanks x

OP posts:

SrAssumpta · 28/07/2015 16:30

This is very worrying OP. Please don't see the other child as the enemy, this child needs as much if not more protecting than the other two.

Original poster

babybooboo123 · 28/07/2015 16:30

I'm on contraception don't worry about that the reason for not having a bond with my child (middle child)is because they were born 3 months early , I was not forced into marriage or having babies,

OP posts:

formerbabe · 28/07/2015 16:31

I hate this house it is soooo isolated and everyone is old!

Who else do you live with op?

Original poster

babybooboo123 · 28/07/2015 16:35

where i live there are no means of transport, I have 6 neighbours but they are all retired over 60-year-old, there is only my husband and 3 kids what live here but it is so isolated I cant even get my kids to school cuz of transport and husband WONT buy a car x

OP posts:

SrAssumpta · 28/07/2015 16:37

I've seen some of your other threads, oh OP you really need to see a doctor. Your little girl is only 2, you have to get help for this and everything else will follow

Anon4Now2015 · 28/07/2015 16:38

OP I'd bet my bottom dollar that your bond with your child will grow when you get away from this man and the stress he is putting you through. He is incredibly controlling and for your own sake you need to get out, and for your children's sake you need to take them - ALL OF THEM with you.

Do you get any opportunity to use the phone without him listening? Could you call Women's Aid? Could you speak to your HV during your 121?

Original poster

babybooboo123 · 28/07/2015 16:41

got no transport, cant walk 6 miles with 3 kids can I down a dirt track there are tractors up and down the road with 2 prams no not happening sorry

OP posts:

MaidOfStars · 28/07/2015 16:45

Who owns the tractors? Can you go to a neighbour and beg a lift?

LilyMayViolet · 28/07/2015 16:52

You need to talk to your HV or women's aid without him listening. It sounds like you are trapped unless you get help from someone outside the home. You can't leave with 2 kids and leave one with him. He sounds absolutely horrible.

littlemslazybones · 28/07/2015 16:52

Can you email your health visitor and get help?

PumpkinPie2013 · 28/07/2015 16:53

How old are your other children OP? Are they school age? I ask because you mention not being able to get them to school - are you home educating by choice? If you are then obviously that is fine, if not this is another way your husband is abusing you (and the children).

I know you mentioned that you talk to your dad? Does he know what's going on? Is there any way he can help you - lend you some money or let you stay at his house with the children while you get sorted?

Please do contact women's aid and be honest about everything with the HV - you need help to get out of this situation.

redexpat · 28/07/2015 16:53

Im sure you could knock on the door of a neighbour and they would drive you to wherever you needed to be. Strangers are often the kindest people.

Also please get your id somewhere safe, childrens birth certs, passports if they have them. So if you need to leave in a hurry you can.

PacificDogwood · 28/07/2015 16:58

Seek help: GP, Women's Aid, Healthvisitor, CAB to make sure you know what benefits you may be able to claim. Gather information and paperwork.

You had a child to a man 30 years your senior when you were extremely young, you had 3 children very close together and you had to live through the trauma of having a premature baby.
Every one of those situations would be hard to bear, all 3 of them together AND being isolated is really worrying.

KitKat1985 · 28/07/2015 17:01

I agree OP you need to leave with ALL of your children. I wonder if you're lack of bond with your middle child is because of your DH using this child to drive a wedge between you all the time. You need to contact either women's aid or your HV who can give you help re: the practicalities of leaving and help you find accommodation.

Handsoffmysweets · 28/07/2015 18:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

hellsandwich · 28/07/2015 18:43

Don't assume that because your neighbours are older they wont understand or want to help. Please call WA and at least get some advice. Do you get time on your own without your husband being there?

Ohshithelp · 28/07/2015 18:47

do you think your husband gives your 2 year old so much attention because you don't give her any ? like trying to over compensate ?

TheCatsMother99 · 28/07/2015 18:49

You need to leave with all 3 of your children. And after you've left you might find that your relationship with the non-bonded child improves.

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 18:57

No way would i want to go with the OP if I was the non - bonded child, not at all.

He sounds like an utter toss pot. Ring Women's Aid for advice. Good luck. X

spottybottycream · 28/07/2015 18:59

I am going to say something I never thought I would, but with his behaviour towards your and the favouring of the (I'm assuming) eldest daughter, your age gap I feel he could have groomed you initially and is now doing the same to your eldest. Making her feel like the most special whilst treating you like crap so that you don't notice and resent her driving a wedge between you. She wouldn't feel able to come to you then with any worries or terrible truth's. I know this is way out there but this is my gut feeling. You need to leave regardless of the cost just spend his money and get a taxi to your dada with all 3 kids and your passports and any important documents.

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 19:01

The favoured child is the middle child, and he probably favours her because her mother treats her with contempt the, probably to even it our (imo of course). Grooming the child is jumping the gun a bit.

spottybottycream · 28/07/2015 19:02

Dads* not dada

MamaLazarou · 28/07/2015 19:11

I'm sorry for your troubles, OP. I would echo the advice others have given: leave him and take all three children with you. He is abusing you.

I'm so sad for you and your middle child but there is hope for you both if you are willing to accept help.

If you ordered a taxi would your dad pay for it at the other end? Make sure you take all passports, birth certificates, etc with you.

Good luck, and keep posting if you need support.

Gaggingforitnow · 28/07/2015 19:16

You say the child you have no bond with is a girl, are your other two boys OP?

This really worries me, you were a 17 year old girl who was basically groomed by a 47 year old man and it certainly sounds like he is doing the same to your dd!

You need to leave and take that dd with you and seek the help of HV/women's aid, you need to speak up not just for your sake but for your dd's to

SugarOnTop · 28/07/2015 19:17

Grooming the child is jumping the gun a bit

not when you consider the age difference between op and her husband...and how he's controlling, manipulating and isolating her in whichever way he can think of. Normally an age difference wouldn't raise red flags with me but in this situation i think it's justified to feel there is something more sinister going on.

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