Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to leave my husband

184 replies

babybooboo123 · 28/07/2015 15:36

im 21 hes 51 we have 3 kids which I don't have a bond with one child of them, he adores the child which I don't, he doesn't give my other 2 children any attention (rather tell them to shut up or go to bed... bare in mind they are all under the age of 4) we are always arguing over the child I have no bond with, all the child does is cry and hit the other 2, youngest child is 7months. so when the the child hits the others they will go to there room to cool off, and all my husband says is'#@*&?! been in that room all day, or you F ING hate your own child, basically the sun shines out of child's arse, I am always in the wrong. I have about 4 to 5 hours broken sleep every night whilst husband sleep like a baby. I wake up I change there nappies . do there breakfast and husbands , then I start cleaning cooking playing with 2 children whiled daddy has other 1 on his lap kissing cuddling playing and ignores the my 2.
anyway we have moved home 6months ago and we have done nothing but argue, if he wants sex he must have or he wont talk to me. he controls the money as he says i will just buy anything. he wont put my name on tenancy as he think I would tell him to leave and keep the house (but I wouldn't do that as I hate this house it is soooo isolated and everyone is old!)
when I do a Tesco shop online he want to check what I have put on, so I can't put chocolate or snacks on, I can't go out shopping unless I take all the kids as he says I am NOT BABY SITTING, all I do is cry STRESS and feel like I have no responsibility ,,, but when I ask him these question when I have a visitor round he says I dont stop you going or doing what u want, you know if u want so money you get some, but its lies, basically I want to leave him and take the 2children but leave 1 with him, but he would take my phone off me so I couldn't call no1 he wouldn't give me any money so I couldn't get anywhere he wouldn't let me take any clothes as he says I brought them, I wouldn't know what to do where to go no money just me 2 kids ages 3 and 7months , oh I forgot he smokes weed and makes me feel belittled as he can but weed but I can't buy a chocolate bar for a pound, I live where there is no transport and no1 i know so I could go there house. I am fucked, im fed up what would u do , many thanks x

OP posts:
minkGrundy · 28/07/2015 21:57

The best option would for her to go into foster, but that isn't going to happen overnight.

Afaik it can indeed happen overnight in an emergency.

And he may not be grooming his child but it is abuse. Children who witness their mother being abused are being abused.

morelikeguidelines · 28/07/2015 22:00

Op I just want to echo what others have said. You need to leave this man and take your kids.asap. Go to your dad's, take important documents and sort out benefits etc once you are there.

Only please don't leave dc2 with this man. The way he acts towards her sounds just as worrying as your lack of bond with her. Will your dad be there for her in short term?

Speak to gp, social services and whoever you need to to get some help.

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 22:02

I agree it is abusive, and the relationship is absuive, I just didn't agree it was rape.

He is absuive. It could be argued that the Ops treatment of her dd is emotionally absuive too.

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 22:03

He acts towards his dd exactly the same way the OP acts towards her sons. Op has said herself she doesn't care about her dd, only her boys.

littlehouseinthebigwoods · 28/07/2015 22:04

I think what minkgrundy said is perfect.
I am worried now though that there is so much information, advice and help on this thread that the op won't be able to cope with sifting through it...she comes across as so young and vulnerable and a lot of stuff on here is very, how to say it..articulate. might mumsnet intervene when a child's safety is at stake?

Pseudo341 · 28/07/2015 22:16

Get the hell out as soon as you can and take all three children with you. You will bond much better with your daughter without this poisonous man deliberately sabotaging your relationship with her.

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 22:18

No way is that dd best off with the OP, somebody who has openly admitted that she hates her dd, doesn't care about her, wants her gone, thinks she is evil etc. OP needs to address her issues before this little girl is in her sole care.

Leggytadpole · 28/07/2015 22:25

OP I'm sorry you are in this situation. You've reached out for help a few times by starting several threads over the last few months on here.

As other posters have said it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. I know how hard it is to see it when you're in it, and how much you love your husband, but the way he is isolating you and controlling your life is not normal, it's abusive.

It sounds as though you're really struggling with your daughter. It must be so difficult if you're not bonded and she also has developmental issues. Nobody will judge you for seeking help with this!

Please, please talk to someone about this, tomorrow if possible. Can you call your HV Or GP, (or Woman's Aid on 0808 2000 247). If your husband is home all the time could you go for a walk maybe and ask to use a neighbours phone? You need to tell whoever you contact what you have told us in your various posts. If you can't use the phone can you email somebody?

Good luck, I really hope you can find the courage to reach out to somebody who will help you.

CatMilkMan · 28/07/2015 22:26

I haven't read all of the thread but I agree with what I have seen cherrybakewell say, I have seen OP post before about how she hates her daughter and how her daughter is evil.
OP was talking about a baby and never mentioned her husband, OP needs help from her GP and social services ASAP.

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 23:09

I just find it quite worrying that some people are advising that the child be taken away from the only person who has ever shown her love and affection to live soley with a woman who, by her own admittance, hates her and doesn't care about her and wants her gone (amongst other things)

OP if you are still reading, please contact a professional. GP, social services, health visitor anyone. If there are any concerns about the father then it's obviously paramount that these are investigated. But in the meanwhile, whilst the OP gets sorted, the little girl needs to be placed with somebody who is able to meet her needs, whether that be temporary foster care, another family member or her father if deemed suitable.

It's quite clear that the OP is in no position to look after this child in the way that she needs. I just hope that you manage to find some help and support and fix your relationship with your daughter whilst she is young enough to put it right. Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2015 23:12

I'm in the US, but is there anyway OP could connect with a MNer in her local area*? Perhaps that way she could get in touch with local resources and possibly transportation away from this abusive situation. It sounds as if she's in desperate need of help and can't find a way out to get it.

*I do realize the risk being taken, so people need to consider this before reaching out to OP.

DesertIslander · 28/07/2015 23:16

I work in safeguarding children and I am genuinely worried about this situation. I honestly believe the children are at risk and that it needs to be reported immediately.

Can MNHQ do anything?

minkGrundy · 28/07/2015 23:16

find it quite worrying that some people are advising that the child be taken away from the only person who has ever shown her love

Because he is abusive.

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 23:19

The OP is emotionally abusive to the dd. The OP cannot in anyway shape or form provide the dd with the love and care she needs.

Nowhere does the OP say he is abusive towards the dd. Controlling arsewipes can still manage to love their children. And say the father is abusive to the child, the answer is not to put her with the OP who despises her. I really worry for this little girl, and I hope some real life intervention happens soon.

findingmyfeet12 · 28/07/2015 23:27

Cherry I dealt with an almost identical case (similar age gap, vulnerable female) and there was sufficient evidence of abuse towards the "favourite" child to permanently remove the children.

DesertIslander · 28/07/2015 23:31

I've just read the OP's other posts. This is a very tame version of her feelings towards DD Sad

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 23:32

But surely the boys are also 'favourite' children too? (In the OPs eyes obviously). Would there be an assumption of grooming towards the boys from op? Or is it just when it's father and daughter (not being facetious I'm genuinely interested). I can't say if the dad is abusing the dd or not I really can't, I just feel that a professional needs to make an assessment PDQ and the child needs to be placed where she is deemed safe.

pickingstrawberries · 28/07/2015 23:33

Her FEELINGS. Not her ACTIONS. Can people not distinguish between the two? I felt like throttling one of my children earlier; I didn't do it (obviously) - should he be taken away?

Obviously this is a more extreme version but I am aghast at how little compassion is being shown to a young, poor, abused woman on here.

LazyLohan · 28/07/2015 23:35

Finding, yes, but the whole point was that you did an investigation. It wasn't a bunch of strangers on the internet advising someone who has said some pretty frightening things about this child to take her away to a situation where that child may very well be in danger.

We can't call this one. It needs proper intervention from professionals who can see what's happening in a more balanced, reliable and detailed way.

All I know is that SS should be involved in this. I hope MNHQ are prepared to get involved and pass on details or the OP agrees to let someone on PM contact people for her.

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 23:36

So you don't think the dd will be picking up on her mother's hatred towards her? Confused.

I have compassion and I have sympathy. I understand the OP is clearly not well. However this doesn't mean that the needs of the dd can just be brushed under the carpet because it's not the OPs fault, the needs of the dd are paramount, she is 2 years old.

I'm aghast that people think this dd should be alone with op who has shown a deep hatred of this innocent child.

findingmyfeet12 · 28/07/2015 23:37

I'm not sure if any statistics in relation to male/female - this was a case I dealt with that was so similar that I thought of it immediately.

I wonder how old the op was when she began her relationship with her husband.

In the case I dealt with the man had deliberately started a family with a much younger and vulnerable woman in the knowledge that she wouldn't be able to protect the children from him.

I may be wrong about the op's husband but surely it's better to be safe than sorry.

In the case I dealt with the children were not removed lightly. The whole matter took months with experts being involved from the outset.

PacificDogwood · 28/07/2015 23:38

As ever, some posts on an internet forum give very little idea of the reality of the OP's situations.

My heart goes out to anybody in her shoes, but none of us here actually really know what's going on and how it can best be resolved.

pickingstrawberries · 28/07/2015 23:38

If you were in an abusive relationship where you were being coerced into sex you didn't want and had been forced into back to back pregnancies and you were barely out of your teens, would these posts reassure you, make you feel like people were giving you a virtual hug, make you feel supported? Or would they make you feel awful?

OP is not choosing to feel how she does; she is unwell, largely because of her bastard of a husband I bet. Pregnancy and childbirth aren't risk free to mental health either and back to back ones must have drained her of any inner resources she had.

I just hope she reads the kinder posts and reaches out.

findingmyfeet12 · 28/07/2015 23:39

I have already stated that the op needs to involve the authorities immediately. I'm not advocating that the op become the sole carer for a child she has claimed she doesn't want.

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 23:41

I may also be wrong about the husband. I think it's just because there isn't a single favourite child, the father favours the girl, the mum favours the boys.

Either way a professional needs to conduct a thorough investigation and hopefully the OP will get the help she needs. I just can't see making her the sole carer of a child she hates is going to help her mental health.