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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to leave my husband

184 replies

babybooboo123 · 28/07/2015 15:36

im 21 hes 51 we have 3 kids which I don't have a bond with one child of them, he adores the child which I don't, he doesn't give my other 2 children any attention (rather tell them to shut up or go to bed... bare in mind they are all under the age of 4) we are always arguing over the child I have no bond with, all the child does is cry and hit the other 2, youngest child is 7months. so when the the child hits the others they will go to there room to cool off, and all my husband says is'#@*&?! been in that room all day, or you F ING hate your own child, basically the sun shines out of child's arse, I am always in the wrong. I have about 4 to 5 hours broken sleep every night whilst husband sleep like a baby. I wake up I change there nappies . do there breakfast and husbands , then I start cleaning cooking playing with 2 children whiled daddy has other 1 on his lap kissing cuddling playing and ignores the my 2.
anyway we have moved home 6months ago and we have done nothing but argue, if he wants sex he must have or he wont talk to me. he controls the money as he says i will just buy anything. he wont put my name on tenancy as he think I would tell him to leave and keep the house (but I wouldn't do that as I hate this house it is soooo isolated and everyone is old!)
when I do a Tesco shop online he want to check what I have put on, so I can't put chocolate or snacks on, I can't go out shopping unless I take all the kids as he says I am NOT BABY SITTING, all I do is cry STRESS and feel like I have no responsibility ,,, but when I ask him these question when I have a visitor round he says I dont stop you going or doing what u want, you know if u want so money you get some, but its lies, basically I want to leave him and take the 2children but leave 1 with him, but he would take my phone off me so I couldn't call no1 he wouldn't give me any money so I couldn't get anywhere he wouldn't let me take any clothes as he says I brought them, I wouldn't know what to do where to go no money just me 2 kids ages 3 and 7months , oh I forgot he smokes weed and makes me feel belittled as he can but weed but I can't buy a chocolate bar for a pound, I live where there is no transport and no1 i know so I could go there house. I am fucked, im fed up what would u do , many thanks x

OP posts:
LazyLohan · 28/07/2015 19:20

I'm really, really concerned about this child. It doesn't sound like she is safe with either of you. She is two, the things you say about her are completely inappropriate and I cannot believe that she would not be at significant risk of severe emotional abuse alone with you.

Her father doesn't sound like a good option either. I think you should get social services involved and tell them you can't look after her. They will be able to assess if her father is a suitable parent far better than anonymous strangers on a forum can.

If he's not she is small enough to make a fresh start with a new family with the minimum emotional damage. In a few years time she will be irreparably damaged for life if she continues to live in this environment.

Do the decent thing and give her up.

findingmyfeet12 · 28/07/2015 19:23

I dealt with a similar case to this in terms of age difference, special attention being paid to one female child and controlling behaviour, in a professional capacity. I'm sorry to say that there were grooming issues in that case and the children were eventually permanently removed from the family.

In that case the mother was much much younger and was additionally vulnerable due to SN.

The geographical isolation orchestrated by the op's husband is also a red flag in my opinion.

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 19:24

Of course I am not saying there is nothing sinister going on, I wouldn't know of course. I just think that the most likely explanation is that he is making up for the fact the OP hates her.

I just hope the OP gets the help she needs to fix the bond between her and her daughter. Atm, and I will probably get flamed for this, I don't think living alone with the OP is best for the middle child.

pickingstrawberries · 28/07/2015 19:26

The op doesn't 'hate her'

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 19:27

But surely the fact that OP doesn't like the child should be taken into account when looking at his behaviour. He could easily be over compensating because her siblings are favoured by the mother? A professional assessment would be a good way to go.

findingmyfeet12 · 28/07/2015 19:28

I don't think the grooming concerns should be minimised at all in a case with the facts as they are being presented by the op.

The forum us anonymous and if there is no danger, then no action will be taken. If there is an issue and the op does not act, the consequences don't bear thinking about.

pickingstrawberries · 28/07/2015 19:29

He smoked cannabis, he allows the other two including a 7 month old to be hit and tells the op she fucking hates her child.

It's his behaviour that's the issue. Of course she can't bond with her baby. She's young and scared.

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 19:30

picking The OP has started a few threads saying how much she hates her daughter, she can't stand her and she's evil.

She clearly is suffering and I have the utmost sympathy for her, but her daughters emotional wellbeing should surely be important as well?

findingmyfeet12 · 28/07/2015 19:33

There are clearly a number of issues here involving both the op and her husband. Each issue alone needs professional intervention and together I'm afraid it sounds like a dangerous situation - a ticking bomb.

chairmeoh · 28/07/2015 19:39

Can you talk privately with your Health Visitor? If you can, please confide in her. Ask her to help you work towards leaving.
For the sake of all 3 children, please do whatever you can to keep them together.
You are being controlled, and you certainly don't sound as though you love your husband. Do whatever it takes to make a new life for yourself. You are so young and could have a great future ahead of you.

pickingstrawberries · 28/07/2015 19:41

It is important but it's the sign of someone being horribly abused. People can be frightened to bond with their babies in abusive relationships.

UrethraFranklin1 · 28/07/2015 19:45

OP, to be blunt, you need serious professional help, and probably social services intervention. Speak to a dr or health visitor asap and tel them the full truth of your situation.

Patspanandjam · 28/07/2015 19:49

Op please get help.

Your poor dd. I feel so sorry for her. The same thing happened within our family years ago, large family but special attention given to one daughter by the father.

Years later after her mother died we learned that the girl had been abused from as far back as she could remember until she left home at 16.

I'm not accusing your dh of anything, but your attitude frightens me.

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 19:53

But the op is singling out one child, she has happily bonded with the other 2 children who have the same father. The op herself said she hasn't bonded with this child because she was premature, nothing do with being abused.

I have every sympathy for the OP feeling this way, but I'm sorry but the OP leaving the husband will not suddenly make her relationship better with this child. The child needs to be with somebody who can love her and meet her emotional needs until her mum is well enough to do it herself.

maddening · 28/07/2015 19:53

What ages are the dc and are they all girls?

Iflyaway · 28/07/2015 19:54

How do you do your food shopping OP?

Just wondering as you mentioned not being able to go out with two prams with tractors on the road and no car....

You sound like almost a prisoner if you can't even go to the GPs....

pickingstrawberries · 28/07/2015 19:55

It's not that straightforward though cherry, there are all sorts of reasons why she might have bonded with the other children.

Three pregnancies in about five years is a killer.

Poor girl.

CatMilkMan · 28/07/2015 19:57

As others have said please get help, reach out to social services or your GP.

minkGrundy · 28/07/2015 19:58

The adp may be affecting your ability to bond. That and/or pnd. Were you assessed for pnd?

I think you really need to get help.
You have access to the internet, email WA.

Also send an email to your HV/GP and or SW.

This is all very concernibg both for you and your kids. You all need to get out of there whether it is together or separately. (Your dd might benefit from foster care if you don't feel able to look after her at present)

Also can I ask what age you were when you met your partner?

pickingstrawberries · 28/07/2015 19:59

She doesn't need foster care, she needs to be somewhere safe with her mum.

cherrybakewelltart · 28/07/2015 19:59

Oh I'm not saying it is. I feel for her terribly, I do. Going on her OP of course she should leave the husband. I just can't agree that being with the OP is the best thing for the middle child until she has had some help. She deserves to be loved like her siblings.

minkGrundy · 28/07/2015 20:00

Ifly online shopping. Its in OP.
So yes op has very few opportunitues to get out but does have access to the internet.

pickingstrawberries · 28/07/2015 20:00

She will be.

Abusive men can really stop you bonding with your babies.

findingmyfeet12 · 28/07/2015 20:02

I'm not sure whether we can say that the child needs to be with her mother. The op has made a few comments that are cause for concern.

I think an assessment needs to be done by a professional in the interests of the child. Given the facts as they are being presented it isn't clear that either parent is an ideal solution.

DesertIslander · 28/07/2015 20:03

I really think you need professional help. I'm slightly confused by the ages and genders but if I have it correctly, you say you haven't bonded with a 2 year old? The way you speak about your own child is absolutely heartbreaking. You need help before you and your husband cause irreparable damage to that poor toddler.

Then, you should leave with all three children. You don't sound well and need to find a way to get to the GP, I refuse to believe that it would be impossible to get there, you do what you need to do. I will send you the bus fair.

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