To tell MIL she can't stay over for DS's birthday?

[BasinHaircut]

MN must think that I don't like my MIL because I moan about her quite a lot but I really do, she is just a bit much sometimes!

Anyway, in a couple of weeks it is DS' birthday on a Monday. We are having a party on the Sunday and she usually comes down to us on a Monday as she stays and looks after DS on Tuesday's while we are at work.

So yesterday she tells me she is going to stay on the Sunday as it's not worth her going home and coming back (an hour away).

The thing is, We had planned a nice day just the three of us on DS' birthday. last year we ended up having DH's sister as an overnight guest the night before his birthday and MIL round at what felt like first light.

MIL wi quite frankly ruin the day for me if she is there on DS' birthday again. She is a bit over-bearing both in general and especially when it comes to DS and doesn't really appreciate boundaries.

She does have the option to stay elsewhere locally on the night of the party but I know she will sulk if we tell her she can't stay. And TBH it does seem a bit mean but I can't help. It think for once I'd like to put my own feelings first.

"doing a quiet family treat on another day entirely."

But OP & her husband have both taken the Monday off, haven't they?

I do think that if MIL doesn't want to drive home on Sunday evening & back Monday evening then that is one thing.

But if she will make a fuss about not being included in any plans for Monday then that is another.

pavlov I never said anything like that

Yes diddl, and Monday is his ACTUAL birthday.

I agree with you BasinHaircut

It's certainly not unusual or PFB to want to spend some quality alone time with your DS and DH on the day of his actual birthday - we did it every year until my DS was 3.

We had a 'gathering' of friends and family over the weekend of his 1st birthday, then on the actual DAY of his birthday it was just me, him and DH.

As he's got older he's had joint parties with some of his friends, again outwith the actual date of his birthday, and days out just the 3 of us on his birthday.

However for the last 2 years, on his birthday it's been a bit of a free for all as to who comes around to the house to see him, which has been fine with me. Especially as he's now 5 and gets excited about people coming round to see him to get presents. BUT I've not had anyone stay overnight the night before, I wouldn't be happy about that and would find it intrusive. I enjoy getting up with DS in the morning and see him opening his presents, and I wouldn't be happy if my DM or DMIL or anyone else for that matter went and did it without me and DH.

I'm rambling a bit, sorry. I just don't think you deserved the harsh responses you got on here.

YANBU to feel the way you feel, however apart from telling her not to stay on the Sunday night and come on the Monday as per usual, there isn't really much you can do or say to her, without her (possibly) feeling unappreciated and put out. She is trying to do what is convenient for her, understandably.

NoSO I just think too many mils seem to feel they are owed a significant portion of their dgcs lives. Ultimately, they have no rights to see them at all!

Two points strike me out of this, Magic:

a) Do you limit this criticism to MiLs (by this I mean the male partner's mother)

b) Are you a grandmother yourself? If not, you just may look back on this sort of perception and cringe, when you are. If you are then of course my point here just crumbles! .

Of course you are right GPs have no actual rights but the bond between GP and GC ime is stronger than I could ever have imagined, and, amazingly it seems to work both ways. And I don't see mine all that often...maybe a couple of times a month. Maybe that's why?

I do know I would like to give myself the DiL of more than 30 years ago a bloody great slap. That's not to say that the DiL me was wrong and that the MiL me is so much wiser now, but inevitably I do have a greater breadth of experience, but more to the point, perceptions change.

That's why I find threads like these so fascinating.

And Closer aha, gotcha. But I think, with respect, you may indeed have counted the generations wrongly, or, just as likely, I expressed them wrongly. Whatever, I thought what you were saying was that birthday parties for children was a modern concept. Ooops!

Also OP I think you are being pretty patient already to have your MIL staying overnight once a week every week when you could so easily just put him in nursery like every other day. I would find that too much. Totally see why you want a day off by yourselves.

I still think it is a bit much for her to drive 2 hours on Sunday and then 1hr again Mon evening and Tue evening (is it 1 hr each way or a 1 hr return journey?). I think this should have been anticipated, especially if she is already overbearing. Even if she usually works on Monday - if it were me, I would have booked a day off work too, to reduce that much travelling. I am around 20 years away from having granchildren (hopefully!), but I wouldn't want to drive that much in such a short space of time.

I think the advice to let her stay/ have a nice breakfast together and evening meal, and then say you had planned to go out for the day just the 3 of you, is probably the best way to go. And if I were you, I would get your dh to deal with it, and enforce the boundary, since it is his Mum.

Thanks Oddity, it is a strain having a regular overnight guest tbh but it wouldn't be fair to expect MIL to travel down in time for DH and I to go off to work on a Tuesday morning so I suck it up. plus she would be late every week

And actually I would take issue with anyone who thought I didn't facilitate DS and MIL having a good solid relationship because I absolutely do.

I bet there are a lot of grandmothers who would like to be able to spend the amount of time with their grandkids that MIL does with DS. I try to be sympathetic with the fact that she will only ever have DS in that capacity, but let's not forget I'll most likely only ever have one DS so I'm entitled to my share of him too!

YANBU

In light of what you've said about her behaviour and her insistence on providing the weekly childcare, I think you have the right to say no to her this time. If you feel she'll take over DS's birthday and spoil it, don't let her arrive a day early. Tell her you've planned a quiet celebration just the 3 of you this year (and stress you look forward to seeing her on the day you planned). Be firm. Maybe offer to cover her childcare this week if she feels it's too far to travel there and back.
I think you need to be blunt and honest, as she obviously isn't responding to hints or picking up on subtleties. Be kind... but don't let her walk all over you.

OP, yes, I think you'd be unreasonable to expect your MIL to do two 2-hour round trips in the space of a couple of days to attend DS's party and then come back to child-mind. So, in my opinion, I think it would be for the best if you (= both you and DH) could accept MIL staying this extra night/day - while perhaps planning a different strategy next year.

But if the Tuesday childcare "really doesn't suit [you] at all", and "really is more trouble than it's worth", then please just call a halt to it. You don't have to stop it straight away - but you (or DH) could mention that as DS is getting a bit older/more into doing stuff with other kids, you're thinking of sending him to nursery on Tuesdays from x date.

You also say: "If we stopped her Tuesdays then ... it would be a case of her wanting to be around every weekend. That wouldn't work for us."

I honestly can't see why this is an either/or situation. If you (personally) don't want to upset MIL by broaching this, why can't your DH tell his mother that visiting every weekend just doesn't work for the three of you? I know you said that DH doesn't have a lot of tact, but as he's presumably known her all his life, he must have some idea about how to approach her! Surely you and DH could come up with a suggestion (every other weekend? more frequently perhaps in the summer?) that would keep MIL in close contact with her grandson?

And why on earth (again, assuming that you personally might not want to confront your MIL) hasn't DH already told his mother that rootlng around in your bedroom table is just not on?

(I speak as one who is normally inclined to be pro-the-MIL point of view.)

Good luck and best wishes to all of you