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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL she can't stay over for DS's birthday?

210 replies

BasinHaircut · 28/07/2015 08:22

MN must think that I don't like my MIL because I moan about her quite a lot but I really do, she is just a bit much sometimes!

Anyway, in a couple of weeks it is DS' birthday on a Monday. We are having a party on the Sunday and she usually comes down to us on a Monday as she stays and looks after DS on Tuesday's while we are at work.

So yesterday she tells me she is going to stay on the Sunday as it's not worth her going home and coming back (an hour away).

The thing is, We had planned a nice day just the three of us on DS' birthday. last year we ended up having DH's sister as an overnight guest the night before his birthday and MIL round at what felt like first light.

MIL wi quite frankly ruin the day for me if she is there on DS' birthday again. She is a bit over-bearing both in general and especially when it comes to DS and doesn't really appreciate boundaries.

She does have the option to stay elsewhere locally on the night of the party but I know she will sulk if we tell her she can't stay. And TBH it does seem a bit mean but I can't help. It think for once I'd like to put my own feelings first.

OP posts:
Original poster
BasinHaircut · 28/07/2015 09:53

NoSOH no it doesn't suit me at all. She goes on holiday a lot and often doesn't tell us until just before and so we struggle to find alternative childcare on these days. If he were in nursery like he is on my other working days then we wouldn't have that problem. It really is more trouble than it's worth.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 28/07/2015 09:53

Your Tuesday childcare is for your MIL's benefit and really doesn't suit you at all? Hmm. How could it not suit, when you're at work?
You sound a bitter old pill, tbh.

ladymariner · 28/07/2015 09:54

You are well within your rights to spend your ds's birthday as a family so just tell her that and do it

My husbands mother is part of our family, so are my parents......What does your dh think about his mother being spoken about and disregarded like this?

Flutterbutterfly · 28/07/2015 09:55

I'd send her home. Say your having family time.
Yanbu, she's stealing the show and monopolising your son. It's ok to draw a line.

The free childcare benefits her, it doesn't mean that you are obliged to give her her own way on everything.

nmg85 · 28/07/2015 09:56

Another vote for allowing her to stay but going out just the three of you.

IsItMeOr · 28/07/2015 09:57

If you really want to reduce the time, I would say that you skip her Tuesday this week, as she's coming for his birthday instead.

She won't like it, as she won't have DS to herself.

But if you (or ideally your DH) explain that you have a quiet day planned on his actual birthday just for the three of you, and of course you appreciate that it would be too much travelling for her to come again on the Tuesday, then you will see her the following week as usual.

NoSOHisadealbreaker · 28/07/2015 09:58

It really is more trouble than it's worth.

Then do something about it: this really would be a justified way of putting your own feelings first.

kaftanlady · 28/07/2015 09:58

I understand you are disappointed you are missing your day out.

But the answer is to change it to another day. Make a new plan that's suitable for MIL on DS's birthday, and have your birthday treat another day.

Your DS gets 3 birthdays then, lucky thing!

Bubblesinthesummer · 28/07/2015 10:01

no it doesn't suit me at all. She goes on holiday a lot and often doesn't tell us until just before and so we struggle to find alternative childcare on these days. If he were in nursery like he is on my other working days then we wouldn't have that problem. It really is more trouble than it's worth

So why not put him into nursery then rather than relying on your MIL free childcare.

My parents used to look after my DNiece once a week. However it was under the understanding that my DSIS and BIL would have to find alternative arrangements if they were on holiday or couldn't do it.

Sometimes this was short notice but they got round it and were extremely great full for the free childcare.

kaftanlady · 28/07/2015 10:02

Can you cover the Tuesday childcare if she doesn't come?

If so another answer could be to say you would like to change the childcare day this week, please could she come Friday night, do the childcare on Saturday so you can get ready for the party. Then she can go home Sunday after the party.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 28/07/2015 10:02

Mil doesnt seem to be disregarded as much as the mother though, does she?

RiverTam · 28/07/2015 10:02

What is your DH's take on all this?

Pumpkinpositive · 28/07/2015 10:02

If he were in nursery like he is on my other working days then we wouldn't have that problem. It really is more trouble than it's worth.

So put him in nursery, and give your MIL the same reason you gave here. Simples.

InTheBox · 28/07/2015 10:11

Anyone else feeling sorry for the MIL?

BertrandRussell I agree with pretty much all your comments.

diddl · 28/07/2015 10:12

"Make a nice breakfast for everyone"Hmm

Yes OP, know your place!

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 28/07/2015 10:14

DH is on the same page as me, but he has no tact and so I will probably have to deal.

If we stopped her Tuesday's then as I said above it would be a case of her wanting to be around every weekend. That wouldn't work for us.

OP posts:
Whatabout · 28/07/2015 10:18

Get your DH to tell her you are going out for the day and so won't be able to accommodate her on Sunday night. And id wait a couple of weeks and tell her you'll be increasing DS nursery hours and thanks for the childcare but she's no longer needed. If she does turn up constantly at weekends DH needs to speak to her about boundaries and family time.

I'm sure I'm an ungrateful cow, but you can't love your life being so resentful of a situation and not change it.

AngelinaCongleton · 28/07/2015 10:18

sorry if you have already answered op, can either of you take the tuesday off?

RiverTam · 28/07/2015 10:19

I'd struggle to feel sorry for anyone who thought it appropriate to go through her DIL's bedside table. I assume those who feel sorry for the MIL would be fine for that to happen to them?

Sometimesjustonesecond · 28/07/2015 10:19

Then what does she do about mil wanting to come over every weekend?

I had this with my ils. Every day off they'd be in my house, all day. We were expected to go to theirs every Sunday. I felt like I couldnt breathe and that my dc was being monopolised. I get that they love their dgc, but sometimes gps don't think about the fact that their adult children need time alone with their partners and to forge memories of special times with their own dc. Or just to get on with being parents, withour granny trying to take over.

I never wanted to exclude my ils but I did want my personal space. Anyway, dh got his parents to back off a bit, to phone before coming round and to give us our weekends to ourselves. It was better after that but I know it hurt their feelings being asked to step back a bit. But if they'd had a bit of tact in the first place then uncomfortable conversations wouldnt need to have taken place.

And with some people, it's not about lack of tact - they know full well they are imposing their wishes on you but just don't care because they want unfettered access to their dgc.

AngelinaCongleton · 28/07/2015 10:20

or ask nursery if they can increase his days this week only to cover the tuesday?

diddl · 28/07/2015 10:22

"Then what does she do about mil wanting to come over every weekend?"

Let her bloody well want!

Pumpkinpositive · 28/07/2015 10:22

If we stopped her Tuesday's then as I said above it would be a case of her wanting to be around every weekend.

She can want all she likes but want doesn't equal get.

If you make a point of going out every weekend (just in the beginning until she gets the message) then she'll soon stop turning up unannounced once she realises no-one is likely to be in.

Of course, I'd be more inclinded just to limit her visits to every second weekend. There are worse things in the world than a grandmother wanting to maintain a close relationship with her grandchild.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/07/2015 10:25

You sound a bitter old pill, tbh.

Is there any need for a shite comment like that? What a fucking waste of a sentence.

needmorespace · 28/07/2015 10:26

Don't get why some posters are giving the op a hard time about the childcare. This is exactly what my mil would do if we didn't constantly refuse. I was told at one point that I should consider going back to work full-time (worked p-t) so that she could look after the kids Confused. Er, they're mine - I will look after them myself thank you very much.
Some mils can be extremely overbearing.
I totally agree with you op. I wouldn't want her to stay over either.
Because we have spent years where she has involved herself in EVERYTHING even in my own extended family. Ffs, my niece can't even hold a birthday party for her son without my mil asking if she's invited and having a major strop is she isn't.
I totally get wanting to spend the day on your own if she takes over.
Of course it shouldn't be a competition or 'fight' over who gets to wish your son happy birthday first but why should she be the one to do it. And it grates me that my mil also behaves in this way.
The irony is that if she wasn't so fucking pushy all the time we would be more willing to invite her.

As it is, it feels like she 'wins' all the time and I feel like pushing her out more and more.
So, I don't think yabu.