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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL she can't stay over for DS's birthday?

210 replies

BasinHaircut · 28/07/2015 08:22

MN must think that I don't like my MIL because I moan about her quite a lot but I really do, she is just a bit much sometimes!

Anyway, in a couple of weeks it is DS' birthday on a Monday. We are having a party on the Sunday and she usually comes down to us on a Monday as she stays and looks after DS on Tuesday's while we are at work.

So yesterday she tells me she is going to stay on the Sunday as it's not worth her going home and coming back (an hour away).

The thing is, We had planned a nice day just the three of us on DS' birthday. last year we ended up having DH's sister as an overnight guest the night before his birthday and MIL round at what felt like first light.

MIL wi quite frankly ruin the day for me if she is there on DS' birthday again. She is a bit over-bearing both in general and especially when it comes to DS and doesn't really appreciate boundaries.

She does have the option to stay elsewhere locally on the night of the party but I know she will sulk if we tell her she can't stay. And TBH it does seem a bit mean but I can't help. It think for once I'd like to put my own feelings first.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/07/2015 09:13

I assumed you were going out for the day, don't know why I thought that Confused.

I'd plan a day out at a local attraction, just the three of you and save some presents to open with him.

I don't think you're wrong to want precious time just between you three but you need to do some quick thinking to avoid you being miffed and not upsetting MiL.

NoSOHisadealbreaker · 28/07/2015 09:14

I think she already feels put upon allowing the childcare on Tuesdays to happen

Then she should stop it, surely? It's a separate issue. While she is benefitting from it she should go with the obvious logistics of it. But, as I say, I think she has accepted that.

Orrla · 28/07/2015 09:15

So this year we really did plan to do something for the grandparents etc (on the Sunday) so we could spend this day just us.

Why not swap the days then? Do the family birthday treat on the Sunday, just the three of you, then have the Monday as the grandparents day so she can arrive on the Monday, babysit Tuesday and its all lumped in together?

You could plan some sort of outing to include the grandparents on the Monday that is only open Mon-Sat (and aquarium/ Zoo trip maybe) to give you the excuse to swap the days.

merrymouse · 28/07/2015 09:15

I really want to assert some boundaries.

And that boundary is that you find alternative childcare. Whether you want it or not, while she is providing free childcare you are in her debt.

Twinkie1 · 28/07/2015 09:15

I can't see why an adult would get upset about someone else helping opening presents. Sit back have a cup of tea and watch them, take photos of video footage even.

I have an image of the pair of you pulling this poor child between you grimacing 'He's mine'

NoSOHisadealbreaker · 28/07/2015 09:15

A Eureka moment. Tell her she can't stay, she will then possibly withdraw the free childcare, win win!

ollieplimsoles · 28/07/2015 09:18

Op, its hard when you have over bearing family members I really do get it. My mil went through my bedside drawer as well (thats the tip of the iceberg)..

But she is doing you a massive favour by taking care of ds and saving you money. Plus ds gets to spend the time with his grandma and not a paid non family member so he is benefitting too.

But just because she looks after your son does not give her the right to snoop around your house into things you want to keep private. You need to address this with her, or better- her son needs to.

I would let her stay but still go out for the day just the three of you, and lay down some rules for the birthday day too.

ollieplimsoles · 28/07/2015 09:19

And I would put a stop to the childcare if you have any hope of setting real boundaries.

TheOddity · 28/07/2015 09:23

I get it. Annoying to plan a party just so they see your DS and feel included, then find you don't get the family day just the three of you when you can enjoy your DS in your own way, especially when you miss this when you are at work. You want a time when DS remembers it being with mummy, not grandma. Could you not move the party to Monday night then they can come to see him that day and only stay over the Monday as usual? Then you have all day Monday on your own?

SitsOnFence · 28/07/2015 09:25

this year we really did plan to do something for the grandparents etc (on the Sunday) so we could spend this day just us

I think it would be absolutely ok to sensitively say something along these lines, that she is still most welcome to stay, but you'd appreciate it if she let you and DH take the centre ground as last year you felt it all slipped by too quickly.

NoSOHisadealbreaker · 28/07/2015 09:27

Sitsonfence

What a lovely person you are Flowers

Sometimesjustonesecond · 28/07/2015 09:31

Going against the grain here but yanbu!

She lives one hour away. My dh does more than that every day with work.

I would tell her that we have plans for Monday and that you need some time just with dh and ds. That's not unreasonable. My dh had the same conversation with my mil because at one point we just had no time or space to ourselves. She is already railroading you with the childcare you dont really want - dont see why you should put up with having her take over your other plans as well.

TheOddity · 28/07/2015 09:32

I do agree with SitsOnTheFence, but it does somewhat rely on MIL being sensitive enough to understand the message.

BertrandRussell · 28/07/2015 09:34

"She is already railroading you with the childcare you dont really want"

Bollocks she is.

ladymariner · 28/07/2015 09:35

Do you not get time together then, just the three of you? I onestly do not get this.....she's his grandmother, fgs, not some random off the street. If she gets overbearing then step up and just calmly maintain a bit of responsibility instead of moaning on here about it whilst allowing it to continue.

In a few years you are going to look back and realise how little, in the grand scheme of things, this really matters. Yabu

ladymariner · 28/07/2015 09:36

*honestly

NoSOHisadealbreaker · 28/07/2015 09:37

BertrandRussell I think I love you!

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 28/07/2015 09:43

We can't swap the days as other family members and all 3 other grandparents will be working on the Monday.

I'm not sure what is bullshit about being railroaded into letting MIL have DS one day a week? She wanted to do this as she wants to be a big part of his life. It really doesn't suit me at all but if we didn't have this arrangement then she would turn up every weekend and that would suit me much less and I would absolutely put a stop to that.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 28/07/2015 09:43

Och she wants to see her grandchild on his birthday on her terms stop being a misery if you are out on sunday say what a pp suggested come sunday evening you will be back by then yabu

AngelinaCongleton · 28/07/2015 09:45

It of course doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. And i wouldn't hurt her feelings, because you find it difficult. I have an over-bearing mil too, so i understand the feeling of it being too much. Thankfully, it seems to calm down as the kids get older. All parties back off a bit. Could you take the tuesday off work and then she doesn't need to stay the monday?

Mrsjayy · 28/07/2015 09:46

The party is on the sunday i misread let the woman stay say you are all goingvout though but she is welcome to stay at yours for the day

NoSOHisadealbreaker · 28/07/2015 09:48

Okay bullshit and bollocks is a little harsh, but I think you are being a leeeeetle bit disingenuous to say that this huge favour is entirely for DMil's benefit. Doesn't suit me at all

And if you would absolutely put a stop to her turning up every weekend, where is the problem? And why don't you use that determination to put a stop to what you see as her overbearing behaviour?

But I think we are mostly agreed that it is absolutely not on not to let her stay over on this occasion.

BitchBags · 28/07/2015 09:49

I'm also going to go against the grain and say yanbu. She liliv an hour away, not three! You are well within your rights to spend your ds's birthday as a family so just tell her that and do it :)

cashewnutty · 28/07/2015 09:49

Of course she should stay on the Sunday night. Birthdays are for the child to enjoy. So what if she wakes him up first. Have a cup of tea, relax and let her get on with it. Make a nice breakfast for everyone and just chill.

Spartans · 28/07/2015 09:52

Yabu to expect her to travel and hour each way on Sunday, then the same on Monday to provide child care?