To tell MIL she can't stay over for DS's birthday?

[BasinHaircut]

MN must think that I don't like my MIL because I moan about her quite a lot but I really do, she is just a bit much sometimes!

Anyway, in a couple of weeks it is DS' birthday on a Monday. We are having a party on the Sunday and she usually comes down to us on a Monday as she stays and looks after DS on Tuesday's while we are at work.

So yesterday she tells me she is going to stay on the Sunday as it's not worth her going home and coming back (an hour away).

The thing is, We had planned a nice day just the three of us on DS' birthday. last year we ended up having DH's sister as an overnight guest the night before his birthday and MIL round at what felt like first light.

MIL wi quite frankly ruin the day for me if she is there on DS' birthday again. She is a bit over-bearing both in general and especially when it comes to DS and doesn't really appreciate boundaries.

She does have the option to stay elsewhere locally on the night of the party but I know she will sulk if we tell her she can't stay. And TBH it does seem a bit mean but I can't help. It think for once I'd like to put my own feelings first.

Going against the grain a little here, but I don't think you're unreasonable to want to spend the day alone OP.
Could you possibly have tickets for 3 that day? Let her stay over, just keep the day for you three

You say it will spoil the day for you, and that you think you should be able to put your feelings first.

But it's not YOUR day, it's your child's day. It's his feelings which count.

What will HE think about having his grandma there?

Gosh OP, I think you are being mean spirited

I can see why you feel so disappointed, OP. However, as others have said, there is really no way of saying no without being rude or ungrateful.

Is there any possibility of carving out some of Monday as just the three of you? Maybe if you said something along the lines of 'of course you'd be most welcome to stay, we'd love to have you. I hope you don't mind, but DH & I had already planned to do ......., we haven't had much time as just the three of us recently, so I hope it won't seem terribly rude if we go here/do that. Is there anything you fancy doing in the afternoon?'

I kind of get where you're coming from, OP. My MIL is nice, but quite overbearing and has a way of making sure she's present every time something is happening, whether she's invited or not.

I think if she huffs about things, that's a good indication that she is a bit overbearing, to be honest. My own mum would never dream of inviting herself on a day out - in this situation she'd be waving us off to have a nice day, and then entertaining herself until we got back. MIL would be coming along, or sulking.

But you may have to reach a compromise here. I do think it would be unfair to make her go home and then come back. What about the other options she has for staying locally? Or could you invite her to join you in a birthday breakfast, and then she could go and spend a few hours with the other friends/family nearby while you go out?

When you rely on GPs for childcare you have to suck this sort of thing up. Otherwise you find the money to pay for childcare and then you can tell her to go home.

Of course it is completely unreasonable to make her go home just to come back again the next day.

Hmmm... I think an hour away is a big deal, or can be. I've regularly commuted over an hour but it's not the same. We have a set of grandparents approx. an hour away but it's nearly all motorway so it's 60 miles. So if we were to ask them to do this we would be talking 120 miles Sunday, 60 miles Monday, 60 miles Tuesday - that's a helluva lot of petrol and time.

I think you'll have to have her with you on the Monday and try and be positive about it (as expecting it to be a ruined day is more likely to turn it into one)

And it's ok to put your own feelings first once in a while, OP.

"l'd like to put my own feelings first for once"

I've very rarely met anyone who said this who didn't actually put their own feelings first a lot of the time. People who don't put their own feeling first tend not to go on about it.

I think you will have to let her stay as she is providing the childcare on the Tuesday. It might be a pain, but I doubt it will ruin ds' day, which is the important thing, not your day.

I'm afraid if people provide free childcare you have to accommodate their needs / wants somewhat.

Thanks all, I see IABU! I do know that really, but I'm just so sick of pandering to someone who doesn't abide by normal socially acceptable rules.

The other week she went snooping in my bedside table when I wasn't home and I'm not over that yet I don't think and I really want to assert some boundaries.

I really don't have a problem with her being there an extra night and day, that's not really the issue, it's that I will have to fight her for DS all bloody day. She will go and wake him up to say happy birthday before we get him up, want to be the one who helps open his presents etc and I let it slide last year as I was too busy preparing a buffet that no bugger offered to help with. So this year we really did plan to do something for the grandparents etc (on the Sunday) so we could spend this day just us.

I'm certainly not trying to keep her at arms length or be nasty on purpose.

And yes the childcare is unpaid but we didn't ask, she basically told us she was doing it from before DS was even born, and I wouldn't have her doing it if I had my way. But it would hurt her feelings to stop her from doing it so we go with it.

YAB thoroughly U. My PILS have saved us literally £thousands in childcare - sounds like you're getting the same. Maybe your DS would enjoy his GM coming on the trip. You can arrange a day trip for just the three of you any time you like without hurting anyone else.

Another one wondering why this is about the OP's feelings. It's not even her birthday. Surely the other three people's [DH/P; DS; DMIL] are just as important. Why should they be putting THEIR feelings first?

And yes the childcare is unpaid but we didn't ask, she basically told us she was doing it from before DS was even born, and I wouldn't have her doing it if I had my way. But it would hurt her feelings to stop her from doing it so we go with it.

I wonder if Alex Brooker's Bullshit Button is available?

This is quite a frequent phenomenon in MN land I have discovered. ILs do a MASSIVE favour but somehow they have to be grateful for being allowed to do it!

But fair play to you Haircut; you have admitted you are being unreasonable, so good on ya!

MythicalKings Tue 28-Jul-15 09:00:29
"YABVU and a bit of a cow, frankly. You come across as a user."

On what planet is it ok to answer someone's straightforward question like that? Disagree, fine.

This kind of ignorant response is why people are getting fed up with Mumsnet and AIBU in particular.

What does your DH think? It seems the natural and logical thing to let her stay tbh. Would your DS love her being there? It is HIS day.

Could you go out for the day on Saturday and have the best of both worlds?

OK, well the mistake you made was allowing yourself to be railroaded into her providing childcare. I don't actually think it is too late to change that. Can you say your hours have changed/it's time for DS to go to nursery/any other excuse you can muster up?

If it means your family plans get railroaded as a result, then I think you should consider this.

If you resent her so much (you obv do) then stop the childcare and pay.
Easy.
My pils have always done some childcare for me...there has been a lot of me biting my tongue over the years!
But if I felt as you do I would have put a stop to it.

I think you're being really mean.

Another one wondering why this is about the OP's feelings.

I think she already feels put upon allowing the childcare on Tuesdays to happen.

Why do you 'fight' her for your son? What difference does it make if she wakes him up or helps him open his presents?

I think your only option is to find alternative childcare on Tuesday.