To tell MIL she can't stay over for DS's birthday?

[BasinHaircut]

MN must think that I don't like my MIL because I moan about her quite a lot but I really do, she is just a bit much sometimes!

Anyway, in a couple of weeks it is DS' birthday on a Monday. We are having a party on the Sunday and she usually comes down to us on a Monday as she stays and looks after DS on Tuesday's while we are at work.

So yesterday she tells me she is going to stay on the Sunday as it's not worth her going home and coming back (an hour away).

The thing is, We had planned a nice day just the three of us on DS' birthday. last year we ended up having DH's sister as an overnight guest the night before his birthday and MIL round at what felt like first light.

MIL wi quite frankly ruin the day for me if she is there on DS' birthday again. She is a bit over-bearing both in general and especially when it comes to DS and doesn't really appreciate boundaries.

She does have the option to stay elsewhere locally on the night of the party but I know she will sulk if we tell her she can't stay. And TBH it does seem a bit mean but I can't help. It think for once I'd like to put my own feelings first.

YANBU OP.

Nobody has the right to tell you they are staying the night in your home.

There is a thing on here where you cannon mention family providing childcare without some posters insisting this means you give up any right to complain about anything they may do and that you've basically signed over your life to them to dictate whatever they want in return.

That's not true.

My PILs did this to BIL and SIL. They found a fantastic nursery for their younger boy, then MIL had a massive tantrum about wanting to care for him herself and how she's never been good enough for them and they'd rather pay good money to strangers than let her have a relationship with her grandson.

So BIL insisted they give up the nursery place and let PILs have their son instead .

And then MIL used to ring up the rest of us complaining that she had to give up her hobbies and couldn't just get in the car and drive to visit her family whenever she wanted to because she was babysitting all the time. And if SIL did anything that MIL didn't like she would start with the "So we're good enough to look after your child but not good enough for…"

And they did things like you have mentioned, gone through private cupboards, opened post, snooped, pushed boundaries, expected their own way over everything because "we're doing you a favour", lots of things like that.

What you have said here OP has reminded me of that.

YANBU. Staying overnight on a Monday provide the childcare she insisted on being allowed to provide on Tuesdays does not give her the right to tell you she's spending other nights in your house as well.

It doesn't. It's your house and your home. She doesn't get to tell you that she's staying in it.

I'd let your DH tell her that, with as much as a little tact as he cares to use.

One thing I have learned from dealing with my PILs (who we are no-contact with now because of their behaviour and who managed to drive BIL and SIL to emigrate in the end) is that while you are trying to tiptoe around them using tact, they are trampling all over you with no tact whatsoever.

Which is what is happening here, telling you she is staying in your house.

You don't have to put up with it just because she provides a favour that you didn't want and didn't ask for and which doesn't suit you because she often lets you down.

So I'll say it again, YANBU at all to say no to an uninvited guest telling you they are going to spend the night in your home.

Sick of mil bashing.
Seriously you might be a mil one day.
Think on.

That wouldn't work for us (this re her coming over every weekend)

But you have already said that you absolutely put a stop to it, so where is the problem?.

Of course it shouldn't be a competition or 'fight' over who gets to wish your son happy birthday first but why should she be the one to do it

This is the most beautifully oxymoron-ic sentence I have read in a long time!

It does sound as though not needing her on the Tuesday might be the best.

Then she can go home on Sunday after the party the same as everyone else.

NoSOH because then she doesn't get to see her grandson regularly, and I really am not trying to make that difficult for her.

The issue is that she wants to stay on the night before DS' birthday, when she would be encroaching on our plans.

There really is nothing more sinister than that going on here

Hmm. When I started reading this thread I was thinking YABU. But I have changed my mind now, having read all your other posts, OP.

It's unfortunate that the party is on Sunday and not Saturday. If it were on the Saturday, I doubt your MIL would be asking to stay over for 2 extra nights. Could it be changed to the Saturday?

Got it in one Neednewflowers

I was THAT DiL....and given half the chance I would be THAT MiL, except that though I adore all of my grandchildren to distraction if DS/DDiL had thoughts of using me for regular free childcare, however grateful they might be, I would tell them to go swivel!

The result is that when I do child mind (not infrequently I have to add) they know I am doing it for their benefit, not mine! Seeing the bairns is always a bonus, however

I totally get where you are coming from Basin.

My MIL had originally said when I was pregnant that she would look after my child all week for me to go back full time. My DP thought this was a great idea. Over my dead body, she doesn't keep well, who did he think was going to need to take days off when she couldn't manage. Not him.

I decided to go back part time 2 1/2 days. DP and his mother basically told me that MIL would be having him half day Wednesday every week. I would have rather that he just went to nursery and I knew that I would not need to take days off to cover her sickness. I lived in fear every Tuesday night that she would call off sick (she did a few times).

During the first few years they moved. Instead of coming to me on the Wed morning I had to change my shift to wed a/noon to accommodate them by getting the bus to their new house then a bus back to work (a good hour and half 2 hour round trip). After a period of illness, MIL decided that she couldn't manage any longer and could I ask the nursery if they could take him the half day.

I could of wept with relief (most likely did haha), I was no longer being held to ransom every Wednesday for half day childcare that was just for her benefit.

They did try to start the every weekend thing, DP was told in no uncertain terms to "jog on", I was not spending every weekend at theirs. I did not mind visiting or dropping son off for them to enjoy quality time together but we work too hard to not be able to enjoy time together as a family of 3 when we decide also.

Good luck and I would pre book the 3 tickets for a day out prior to her asking for a sleepover

Fair enough Basin but as I thought you had agreed, you really do have to suck it up this time. If you can work it as others have suggested that you can go out as a threesome while she does her own thing then so much the better.

Of course you CAN say that her staying over Sunday will not work for you, and could she come again on Monday eve as per the usual arrangement, but that will look very 'mean' as you said yourself.

Re grandparents and childcare. I pay for my LO to be in full time nursery. But generally once a week a grandparent will look after her for a day. I know that some people think that is a waste of money but I see it that it means my daughter gets to hang out with her GPs who she ADORES and I'm not asking them to commit to a weekly childcare arrangement - they do it when they can and want and if they are busy or sick or on holiday, then she just goes to nursery as usual. At the moment, my parents are on holiday for 4 weeks and the ILs are both having operations so if I had relied on it, then I would be in all kinds of trouble!

Anyway, that's off topic. In this case I think there are a tonne of options:

1. Have family day on Saturday instead
2. Book something for morning or afternoon on Monday for the 3 of you, explain to MIL that this was already planned but you'd like to do something special with her too in the morning or afternoon.
3. Tell her you've got plans for the three of you on Monday but you'd like to say thank you for her helping out with childcare and you've booked her a spa treat whilst you are out
4. As others have suggested, tell her that as he's off nursery on Monday, you're going to put him in on Tuesday and so she can have a break this week

You say you don't hate your MIL so I think it's worth the effort to keep her happy (I couldn't survive without the support of the grandparents and also now I'm a mother I've realised what a horrible daughter I was until now, so trying to make up for it)

What does your husband think? It's his mother, he should know what best to do.

OP is your DS your only ?

I can completely understand OP wanting to be the one to wake up DS on the Birthday Morn and help him unwrap his presents, its nice . . I always enjoyed that when mine were small.

Also how old is DS ? I imagine he got close to his MIL each Tuesday but that does not give MIL the right to take over like that .

Re the staying over . Well she only lives an HOUR away so if I was said MIL I would come to the Sunday do, go home afterwards like I presume your Parents are and come back Monday evening for Tuesday .. No problem/.

screaming you hould have made your dh take time off to cover since he was so insistant on the childcare arrangement.

A few weeks of that and he would have started to see things your way.

One day I will be a mil but I won't be the kind who thinks it's okay to go through my dil's personal belongings or who tries to dictate child care for someone else's child. I plan to spend lots of time on holiday and doing my own thing. As much as I adore my dc, and would move heaven and earth fot thrm if they needed me to, I think having my own life is important - I would be failing them as a parent if I built my whole life around them when they are adults. They are not responsible for my happiness

Hear Hear Sometimes

I too hope to be a good MIL and would never dream of going through somebodys drawers , , imagine if a large vibrator was in one .. LOL . Joking aside though I would be nice and offer advice if ASKED

Can't you do whatever you had planned for the Monday on another day? Agree with others that it would be mean and upsetting not to let her stay.

There was a thread on here before that suggested a glitterbomb for sneaking relatives....

Back to the point. I get why you are a bit annoyed and a bit unreasonable but it will be very difficult for you to turn her down. So, it's time to draw some actual boundaries. Verbally.

"Of course you are welcome to stay on Sunday night until Tuesday. Wow, it would be fantastic to have some help on Sunday night - the place was like a bombsite after the party last year and DS was so overtired and cranky!!

Just so that you know, DH and I have planned a special day out together just as a family for DS's birthday on the Monday. DH is taking the day off work and we are taking DS to outdoor adventure park/soft play/children's theatre/train ride to beach or whatever. We don't mean to be rude but we would really like it just to be us as we only get weekends with him.

It will be nice for you to be able to catch up with friends locally without DS in tow, have a nice lunch out or something. Are you planning anything nice for Tuesday, just the two of you?"

Alternatively you could suck it up as his birthday will presumably be on a Tuesday in 2016 ....

You speak very calm good sense Treadsoftly so it pains me more than I can say to tell you that his birthday next year will be on a Wednesday as it's a leap year

Pedant, moi?

I would be failing them as a parent if I built my whole life around them when they are adults. They are not responsible for my happiness

MASSIVELY THIS.

My MIL has done this totally and its awful, she doesnt have a great relationship with her sons because of it, as she gets nasty and passive aggressive when they don't live up to her expectations.

As a result I would not allow my MIL to place herself in my home as child care for my DC. Her track record just doesn't allow it.

And yes the childcare is unpaid but we didn't ask

Then pay her.

Please remember that you have created the situation by arranging a party on Sunday, its not her fault. Does she even want to come to the party on Sunday or could she come Monday evening as usual and celebrate with him then?
Have an adult mum to mum conversation with her and remember it is your arrangements that have caused this, she is just trying to avoid driving back and forth if she doesn't have to (and I doubt very much she would understand why it would be a problem, unless you explain that it is about you and your hubby wanting time alone with your son, rather than deliberately ommiting her).

I wouldn't be too bothered about being the first to say happy birthday but I would be keeping the presents in your bedroom so that they can't be opened without you, and then let your DS on to the bed between you and DP to open his presents - she is hardly going to jump on the bed and snuggle between you is she...is she?!?

Give her things to do "DS would love your special pancakes as an extra special birthday breakfast..." Etc while you play with his new presents with him. Gives you the time you want and she is happy to be doing something to make his birthday special

I think what thread softly says is so unkind

to exclude her pointedly

so rude, and why?