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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL she can't stay over for DS's birthday?

210 replies

BasinHaircut · 28/07/2015 08:22

MN must think that I don't like my MIL because I moan about her quite a lot but I really do, she is just a bit much sometimes!

Anyway, in a couple of weeks it is DS' birthday on a Monday. We are having a party on the Sunday and she usually comes down to us on a Monday as she stays and looks after DS on Tuesday's while we are at work.

So yesterday she tells me she is going to stay on the Sunday as it's not worth her going home and coming back (an hour away).

The thing is, We had planned a nice day just the three of us on DS' birthday. last year we ended up having DH's sister as an overnight guest the night before his birthday and MIL round at what felt like first light.

MIL wi quite frankly ruin the day for me if she is there on DS' birthday again. She is a bit over-bearing both in general and especially when it comes to DS and doesn't really appreciate boundaries.

She does have the option to stay elsewhere locally on the night of the party but I know she will sulk if we tell her she can't stay. And TBH it does seem a bit mean but I can't help. It think for once I'd like to put my own feelings first.

OP posts:
MummaGiles · 28/07/2015 12:34

I think you can let her stay and still explain that you want a day just as a family on the Monday. She sounds independent enough to entertain herself on the Monday.

TheCatsMother99 · 28/07/2015 12:36

As someone whose MIL is over bearing & likes to insert herself in to situations or take over and change pre made plans I can see where the OP is coming from. They've planned a day with just the 3 of them for their DS's birthday and it sounds likely that the MIL will take over and alter those plans.

I also don't think an hour's drive (or 2 hours round trip) is that far, especially when done in the morning and afternoon and not a literal round trip. But maybe that's just me.

As much as there might be slight tensions with the MIL, I get the impression the OP still doesn't want to hurt her feelings, she just doesn't want her immediate family plans changed so I think the OP has got a bit of a rough ride from some on here.

OP, I really think that, as your MIL thinks that the journey is too far for her to do, you should try to find alternative child care on the Tuesday. Then you can say to her that you appreciate it's a bit of a distance for her so you'd only want her doing it once a week and so you're going to give her a rest on the Tuesday (and she can go home after the party). WIN WIN.

featherandblack · 28/07/2015 12:40

As another poster has suggested, I think you should tell her that you recognise it's too much to ask her to travel twice in one week, but as you and DP have planned a special family day together for Monday, you make alternative arrangements for Tuesday and see her as usual the following Tuesday.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 28/07/2015 12:42

chipped she won't even take travel expenses as 'she isn't doing it to get paid, she is doing it to spend time with her grandson'

And I know I've 'created' the situation through my arrangements but she does usually work on Mondays.

anyway thanks all, I realise this makes me sound like a horrible DIL!

OP posts:
GoodtoBetter · 28/07/2015 12:47

Can you say you're going out to something as a family, pre-arranged..maybe with tickets or to friends that she can't invite herself along to and that she can come in the evening, ahve a meal with you and stay that night? Nobody left out but you get the actual day together just the 3 of you?

BertrandRussell · 28/07/2015 12:53

I do wonder when "family" came to mean parents and children only. If my brother, for example, said he wasn't inviting me to something because it was "family only" I would be pretty upset.

BertrandRussell · 28/07/2015 12:55

Or if my mil invited her children and their children but not me because she wanted to do something with "just her family"......

NanaNina · 28/07/2015 12:55

Dear god what a ridiculous fuss over a child's birthday.........and so glad so many think you ABVU OP. It's a welcome change though there have been a few attempts at MIL bashing

One day OP your DS will probably have a wife/partner and a child and you will be the MIL and then you'll understand. I hate all this stuff about laying down ground rules for MILs (rarely mothers) especially where grandchildren are concerned. Children have a right to enjoy a good r/ship with their grandparents and other members of the extended family.

Incidentally how do you know MIL has been through your bedside drawer? Last time I was at my son/dil's house and they were at work my 5 yr old DGD was routing through the bedside cupboards looking for something and I put stuff back as best I could - maybe this was the case here.

Anyway let MIL come to the party on Sunday then lock her in her bedroom on Monday so you can have this precious day out without her and let her out when you return...........what's not to like!

badg3r · 28/07/2015 12:58

She does usually work Mondays...
Did she take the day off for his Birthday? I can see why you are upset OP, I would feel the same in that situation.

NoSOHisadealbreaker · 28/07/2015 13:00

I hate all this stuff about laying down ground rules for MILs (rarely mothers) especially where grandchildren are concerned

Excellent point Nina. If I tried laying down rules about the terms on which my DC and their DC were allowed to relate to me I would be told where to go, and rightly so!

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 28/07/2015 13:07

You simply say

"I'm sorry, we've made plans on monday, its not convenient for you to stop the night"

and thats all you need to do.

BertrandRussell · 28/07/2015 13:11

"You simply say

"I'm sorry, we've made plans on monday, its not convenient for you to stop the night"

and thats all you need to do."

Yes- provided you think it's OK to treat your child's grandmother like staff............

NickiFury · 28/07/2015 13:13

I would be hurt if I was MIL. I would still look after my grand child because I love him and it's not his fault but I would definitely have less time for his parents.

Bubblesinthesummer · 28/07/2015 13:19

I would be hurt if I was MIL. I would still look after my grand child because I love him and it's not his fault but I would definitely have less time for his parents

Completely agree

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/07/2015 13:33
Smile I was wondering when NanaNina would show up on this thread...

Having read your posts throughout OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable. If it doesn't suit you to have her stay over on Sunday then just let her know. She's a grown woman. Let her know it's not convenient for anyone to say over on the Sunday night.

Depending on the age of this MiL, a 2 hour round trip is not much and would be possible. It would be very different if the OP and her Dh lived 4 or more hours away from the MiL but this isn't the case.

Can someone drop your Mil home after the party or collect and drop her?

NoSOHisadealbreaker · 28/07/2015 13:35

I was wondering when NanaNina would show up on this thread...

I've not come across her before but what she said sounds totally fair to me. But then being a Nana myself I guess I would say that, just as when I was a DiL I would have instinctively sided with theBasin

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 28/07/2015 13:35

The age of the MIL has nothing to do with it. I'm in my 30s and I wouldn't want to do 4 x 1hr journeys when it was possible to do half that amount.

TheOddity · 28/07/2015 13:40

Would you really feel hurt if your son and DIL had already made plans for their child's birthday day which didn't include you? I wouldn't. I'd just drive home on Sunday night with my DH and go round the next day! Or say I'd keep myself busy in the day at their house while they did their own thing if the drive was too much. This is really being blown out of proportion. I can see why she asked to stay but there are a few options to free up the day on the Monday.

diddl · 28/07/2015 13:43

"Children have a right to enjoy a good r/ship with their grandparents and other members of the extended family."

Which it would appear that OPs son does.

MIL will be there for the party on the Sunday.

If she stays over on Sunday, sure it might be annoying having her there on the Monday morning.

But if you have planned to go out just the three of you, she'll understand that & be able to cope for the day, won't she?

Afterall, the point of her staying is to reduce the amount of travelling that she needs to do isn't it, not to gatecrash any plans?

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 28/07/2015 13:44

its not about treating her like staff, she isn't normally there on monday, so they've made plans.

She is invited on sunday for the birthday, like a normal family would so, and she's coming tuesday to babysit like she always does because she wants to.

It doesn't automatically entitle her to be there on the monday when she isn't normally.

she can of course ask, for travel reasons, but the OP and her DH equally have the right to say NO, its not convenient, we've made plans.

diddl · 28/07/2015 13:46

"Would you really feel hurt if your son and DIL had already made plans for their child's birthday day which didn't include you?"

I know, right?

I wonder if OPs MIL always included her own MIL in all bday plans?

Whatabout · 28/07/2015 13:50

I do wonder how the MIL can just invite herself, I can't imagine ever doing that to a daughter or DIL or son or whatever. Surely most people are self aware enough to realise that birthdays are special when children are small and if you are invited the previous day that is your "window" and you don't just extend it at your whim.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 28/07/2015 13:51

What would DS like best? Mine would love having either of his grandmas there on his actual birthday

NoSOHisadealbreaker · 28/07/2015 13:52

I wonder if OPs MIL always included her own MIL in all bday plans?

Who can say, but it's a fair question. Another fair question would be, did OP's MiL's MiL provide regular childcare (poss not, less common for Ms to work outside the home a generation ago) only to be told it was entirely her choice and that the young parents were simply kowtowing to her wishes in allowing her to do it and gratitude was simply not called for.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 28/07/2015 13:53

I expect OP's MiL's Mil didn't throw birthday parties for the children, as they are a bit of a modern concept...