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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL she can't stay over for DS's birthday?

210 replies

BasinHaircut · 28/07/2015 08:22

MN must think that I don't like my MIL because I moan about her quite a lot but I really do, she is just a bit much sometimes!

Anyway, in a couple of weeks it is DS' birthday on a Monday. We are having a party on the Sunday and she usually comes down to us on a Monday as she stays and looks after DS on Tuesday's while we are at work.

So yesterday she tells me she is going to stay on the Sunday as it's not worth her going home and coming back (an hour away).

The thing is, We had planned a nice day just the three of us on DS' birthday. last year we ended up having DH's sister as an overnight guest the night before his birthday and MIL round at what felt like first light.

MIL wi quite frankly ruin the day for me if she is there on DS' birthday again. She is a bit over-bearing both in general and especially when it comes to DS and doesn't really appreciate boundaries.

She does have the option to stay elsewhere locally on the night of the party but I know she will sulk if we tell her she can't stay. And TBH it does seem a bit mean but I can't help. It think for once I'd like to put my own feelings first.

OP posts:
IhateMagic · 28/07/2015 13:58

Children have a right to enjoy a good r/ship with their grandparents and other members of the extended family.

Not sure I agree. Being a blood relation is not a ticket into a child's life. childhood is not a thing to be divided up among baying grannies!

NoSOHisadealbreaker · 28/07/2015 13:59

I expect OP's MiL's Mil didn't throw birthday parties for the children, as they are a bit of a modern concept

May I assume you are being droll Closer? If so GrinGrinGrinGrin

If not Confused Confused Confused Confused

NoSOHisadealbreaker · 28/07/2015 14:02

Being a blood relation is not a ticket into a child's life. childhood is not a thing to be divided up among baying grannies!

Well if you put it like that....but that seems a sad thought to me. Not a ticket, not baying for sure, but plenty of room for inclusion surely? And it's not a particularly edifying sight to see family units jealously confining themselves to the nuclear family (absolutely NOT saying this is what Basin is doing)

Hissy · 28/07/2015 14:02

Nana IIRC OP posted about her MIL mending something (clothes) and the sewing kit is kept in OP bedside drawer.

I too would think it's an enormous faff to drive an hour down, then back and then do the same again the next day. You have to let this go tbh OP, I can't see that in this point your MIL is being unreasonable. It could be the other things she does that have got your hackles up?

Hissy · 28/07/2015 14:05

I think the plans for the 3 on Monday are selfish actually, think about this from your DS point of view, the more fuss and attention the better.

HE will enjoy it, that is the only thing that matters.

I say this as someone who sat through a minecraft thing with my DS and his friend on Sunday. Little blighter OWES me... Sometimes you have to do things you'd rather not aas it makes better sense to go with the flow.

If your MIL was not providing childcare, I can understand it, but she is. If you want to change that - and of course when it comes to school etc you will have to, you may need to start managing her expectations from now...

IhateMagic · 28/07/2015 14:08

NoSO I just think too many mils seem to feel they are owed a significant portion of their dgcs lives. Ultimately, they have no rights to see them at all!

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 28/07/2015 14:10

No, not being droll Confused

OP's child is pre-school age. I don't know many great grandparents (if I've counted up the generations correctly!) who would have thrown their 2/3/4 year olds a birthday party. And then had a special "just the three of us together day".

ollieplimsoles · 28/07/2015 14:24

I just think too many mils seem to feel they are owed a significant portion of their dgcs lives. Ultimately, they have no rights to see them at all!

I agree with this.

rumbelina · 28/07/2015 14:24

Can you say you've already made arrangements for the 3 of you on Monday daytime but it would be lovely to have her stay and have birthday breakfast together and then you can all have tea together later....? Make a fuss of the times you'll be with her but make it clear the daytime is already planned for the 3 of you? Maybe?

It's hard to imagine with my own mum as she would back off without taking offence. If it was FIL I would probably just suck it up as it would make him happy....but we don't already see him every week!

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 28/07/2015 14:25

Just to answer a couple of points - yes MIL mended a shirt and found the sewing kit in my bedside table. She didn't know it was there and assuming it's not the first place she looked (because it's not a common place for it is it?) she must have had a good root round our bedroom and god knows how many other places looking for it.

Is she entitled to do that just because she provides free childcare? I don't know, I'm not clear on how much if my life I'm supposed to give up to her for 1 day a week babysitting now I've read this thread! Grin

I would also feel that same about my own mother in the same circumstances. Although I must admit that the circumstances are different because my mum understands boundaries and would 100% prefer to go home anyway. But in the interests of fairness she doesn't provide us with childcare either so the relationship is just not comparable.

There was another point but I'll have to go back and read now as I've forgotten ....

OP posts:
SisterMoonshine · 28/07/2015 14:26

Give her Tuesday off that week.
Then she doesn't need to stay.

PamBagnallsGotACollage · 28/07/2015 14:28

I agree you are being a bit mean spirited, especially as she helps with childcare, but can also understand why you would like to have a day with just you, your husband and your son.

Could you move the party to the week after, maybe the Saturday? Or, as you said the Sunday party was for grandparents' benefit, why not just have a birthday tea on the Monday, after your day out seeing as MIL is due then anyway. Then you get the best of both worlds.

TwinTum · 28/07/2015 14:30

I think, however you feel about it, you just have to put up with MIL on the Monday. it is rude to tell her to go home if she does not want to do the drive. it is rude to suggest she stays with someone else locally when she normally stays with you, because it will be obvious you are trying to exclude her. It is rude to go out and not invite her (unless it is already booked and you can't get an extra ticket).

If you are happy to be rude then fine, but there is no way of achieving what you want without upsetting her. If my PILs or parents were at ours for a party on the Sunday and were also due at ours on the Monday night/Tuesday, I do not think it would occur to me (or them) that they should do anything other than stay. Admittedly they live further away than an hour, but I think the same would be true unless they lived very near by.

The most you can do is try to stage manage things a bit, eg making clear that he is not to be woken early as it will be an exciting day for him that could be spoiled by him being over-tired, not getting out the presents until you are around and yourself handing them to DS one at a time etc.

If your DS is very young he also wont really understand the relevance of the date, so you can also do stuff on the Saturday (even the main present)

ollieplimsoles · 28/07/2015 14:30

Is she entitled to do that just because she provides free childcare?

I don't think she is really, because it was her who was desperate to look after your DS from the beginning. It is really nice of her to travel to look after him, but shes doing it for her benefit too- she gets to spend time with her GC.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 28/07/2015 14:31

Oh yes she usually works on Mondays.

And the point about family's and exclusion - we are having the FAMILY over on the Sunday. DH's family politics dictate that there has to be a gathering, and all of the correct people have to be invited or else we will be accused of having favourites and bitched about forever.

BUT having done that, I didn't think it was too much to ask to be able to decide what happens on DS' actual birthday and keep the guest list to just DS, me and DH.

It is just a bit tricky because MIL wants to stay and will take over. I'm not bashing her at all.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 28/07/2015 14:34

I think the whole concept of a birthday party AND a special day out to celebrate is just a bit PFB for a child who doesn't really understand the significance of a birthday. Feel sorry for this kid when he has siblings/ cousins etc. and the world doesn't revolve around him anymore.

That's what I take out of this.

diddl · 28/07/2015 14:35

"Oh yes she usually works on Mondays."

So why not the Monday in question?

2rebecca · 28/07/2015 14:40

If you really don't want there there on the Monday and the childcare is more for her benefit then I'm not sure why you've come on mumsnet and why you didn't just tell her staying overnight on the Sunday is inconvenient so she'll have to go home. Don't make lots of excuses. You could say you will need a rest after the party but she may then just go on about how she'd help so unless you're prepared to be thick skinned and bounce off all her counter-excuses just say it's not convenient. Start being overbearing back.
She can want stuff as much as she wants, it's your house and you shouldn't feel obliged to entertain guests if you don't want to.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 28/07/2015 14:41

merry he will probably be an only child and his only cousins on MIL's side do and will only ever exist on the other side of the world.

That is another part of the problem, he also gets all of the attention that his cousins can't. There is much compensation going on I think.

I'm fully aware that these celebrations are as much for DH and I as they are for DS and TBH I can't feel bad or silly for trying to enjoy my life or celebrate DS'.

OP posts:
PavlovtheCat · 28/07/2015 14:43

why don't you want to see much of her OP? once upon a time, grandparents would have been a significant and important part of a grandchild's life. You don't want her to see her grandchild on tuesdays, and don't want to see her at the weekends? When do you want to see her?

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 28/07/2015 14:44

diddl she has taken the day off. She didn't say why, just that she had.

OP posts:
ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 28/07/2015 14:44

Merry, we've always done it.. we have a family birthday so they can celebrate, then we go and do something with just the kids that THEY will enjoy.

Maybe its because DS is autistic, he doesn't really enjoy b'day parties, they're too noisy and needy for him, so we always compromise by letting him pick a day out somewhere just for him.. and because we do it for him, its only fair for us to do it for DD.

Saturday is party day, sunday is usually family day.. family being just the nuclear family of me, dh, and the 2 kids!

ravenAK · 28/07/2015 14:44

My MIL was a bit like this.

Ds went to an excellent CM, then MIL moved close to us & decided, when dd1 came along, that she'd like to look after her a couple of days a week. Great, but we had to negotiate with CM to have dd1 on the other days as this left her with a difficult to fill vacancy on MIL's days. Also, there were a few issues with MIL's ways not being mine...

Dd2 came along & I tried to suggest MIL would find a baby AND by then 2yo dd1 too much for her - would she like to just do babysitting? She was quite cross about this, insisted she'd be absolutely fine, looking forward to it, wanted same bond with dd2 as with dd1 etc etc.

Then SIL came to see me. She said MIL had privately admitted that it was all going to be too much for her. Fine, I said, quietly much relieved, & trotted off to tell MIL she could stand down, thank you so much for all you've already done, we'd make other plans.

MIL went ballistic - she'd said No Such Thing to SIL. Turned out SIL was expecting her own pfb & playing the long game - if her mum was doing free childcare for anyone, she intended it to be herself!

MIL & SIL had a huge row, then made it up & decided that whatever 'misunderstanding' had occurred was all obviously all my fault Hmm.

Anyway, the thing is, it was all an almighty PITA at the time, but now they're all at school, all have a lovely relationship with their grandmother, & I can't believe any of us allowed ourselves to get so wound up about it.

I'd suggest letting grandma stay, & doing a quiet family treat on another day entirely. Let the ongoing childcare arrangement potter along or unravel naturally if it's going to. It's just not worth a hoo-ha over it around ds's birthday, or it'll all get dragged up for years to come.

ollieplimsoles · 28/07/2015 14:46

I'm fully aware that these celebrations are as much for DH and I as they are for DS and TBH I can't feel bad or silly for trying to enjoy my life or celebrate DS'.

Op think of it this way- mil has already raised a son, DS is YOUR son. You won't get this time back, you are already having a family party mil will be involved in. YANBU to want some time as a family of three.

DO you want to look back on this and remember a special day just you, DH and DS? or will you look back on it as a day MIL was over bearing and interfered. Time apart from family members is important too.

BertrandRussell · 28/07/2015 14:50

"Would you really feel hurt if your son and DIL had already made plans for their child's birthday day which didn't include you? I wouldn't."

No, I wouldn't. I would, however, be hurt if I was told I wasn't included because it was "just family" as so many posters are suggesting the OP says.