Have I overeacted?

[heartmoonshadow]

Last week phoned niece who is working abroad to say happy birthday. In conversation mentioned to her that I hadn't seen any facebook updates was the wifi not working where she is? She then waffled on saying she had unfriended me because her university asked her to and her job suggested facebook was not suitable etc and that she now solely used it for uni friends. I was a bit shocked because she hadn't told me and a little offended but I accepted her reasons.

After a while though I sat thinking about her excuse and something did not seem right so I went onto facebook and looked at her page which she is showing publically. And in true FB style it told me we have mutual friends - ALL of whom are family and some are even ex-partners of family.

I got annoyed and called her on the lie, and to cut a long story short I no longer trust her. I have told her that access to my home is now over and that I do not want her around my kids after all I have to be able to trust someone to allow them around my kids.

She moaned to her mum - understandably - who has had a go at me for upsetting her daughter!

Cue family feud.

OP, I think it's a huge overreaction to a white lie. She told a rubbish lie but one that she thought you wouldn't find out. It wasn't a lie told to deceive you in a nasty way - she wanted to delete you for whatever reason and you asked her about it - what should she have said that you would have found acceptable.
If you don't post much then maybe she didn't see the need to keep you as a friend.

I understand that you have a HUGE problem with lies but not everyone does - it really was a minor white lie.
Your reaction was ridiculous and unkind.

How would you react if you own kids told lies?

I wonder if you fall out with people on a regular basis?

I'm almost not sure I believe this thread as the OPs reaction is so extreme

" So many people haven't actually moved with the times as far as FB goes and fail to see the significance in some people's lives because they themselves see it as a 'lighthearted fun thing to do'. "

There are lots of things I like about FB, and some things I find very problematic. IMO it's like any other tool - you can use it in different ways, for good and ill. I've moved around a lot and find it handy to keep in touch with disparate groups.

However, I'm also well aware that different people see it in different ways. And it's precisely for that reason that I like to keep a bit of distance from it. I don't want motivational posters and I really, really hate those "ooo, warning, you must see this" statuses that get posted again and again when they are scams in themselves. It's actually precisely because I know people take it really seriously that I choose to be careful with it. The OP's niece doesn't want to be FB friends with her. It might feel like a big deal, but really it does help if you can just go "meh, facebook".

Re your post maskingtherealme, you may well be right on some counts. I agree with you that the OP has placed tremendous importance on FB in her life, that much is obvious! I hope you don't take my comments regarding your post as a 'flaming' that is certainly not my intention. I also like to think I am also non judgemental and sympathetic on here.

Because the OP's reaction is so extreme, I think she now needs to rethink her life and relationships and step back from FB somewhat. To be like this over a defriending is not doing her any good whatsoever. I also agree with you, that she should step away from her DN for the sake of both of them, but that doesn't mean stopping her DCs from mixing with her. That's just mean.

However, I don't agree with this regarding her DN. You have every right not to trust her. I have trust issues too. Anyone who lies to me or does things in secret and purposely tries to keep the news from me, is kept at arms length. I hate being used by people and by those who are '2-faced'

This is a teenager who was trying to be kind to her aunt with a white lie as to why she didn't want her viewing her FB feed. Does she deserve to now not be trusted and be called 2 faced? I have nieces and nephews of a similar age. One minute I'm a FB friend, next minute I'm not. Some have accepted my friends request, some ignore it. Their prerogative. There is a whole generation between me and them just like the OP and her DN. I think labelling someone much younger than you as two faced because they chose not to have you as a FB friend is very very extreme and at the moment I don't think the OP is being a wonderful aunty whatsoever.

It's Facebook. You might have been posting things she didn't want to read, or have said some things on her status that she didn't like.

Op can I just ask, how are you going to cope when your children lie? They will lie, it's what children and teenagers do. You will have to work out some strategies for coping with it as you can't go No Contact with everyone.

I started reading the thread and laughed, it sounded so ridiculous but having read more I think it's just so sad, it's such a small issue and you are willing to cut your niece from your children's lives.

Stop a minute and ask yourself if it's worth it. If you think it is worth it then I think your niece has had a lucky escape and I'm amazed you have lasted this long without alienating her.

My cousin (much younger than me) had unfriended me once on FB. I never asked the reason. She was young and a student at the time.. She remained friends with my sister though with whom she is closer in real life. I raised my eyebrow at the time but never questioned. Several years later she is a young lady with a family and happily accepted my FB friendship again.

OP you massively overreacted. Perhaps that's the reason why she did not want to be a FB friend with you?

In order to mend this, you are going to have to apologise for building a small thing into a massive mountain. The example you have set your and your children is pretty dreadful. Pull yourself together and get your grown-up head on, give a handsome apology to your neice and her mum, and hope that it goes back to normal.

Anyone who lies to me or does things in secret and purposely tries to keep the news from me, is kept at arms length. I hate being used by people and by those who are '2-faced'.

Firstly, the DN isn't necessarily doing anything in secret, she just didn't want her aunt as a friend on FB.

Secondly, if it's her news, she has a right to decide if she wants to tell someone, also that someone doesn't have the right to know all the news. It doesn't mean the DN is being "2-faced" or using people.