Have I overeacted?

[heartmoonshadow]

Last week phoned niece who is working abroad to say happy birthday. In conversation mentioned to her that I hadn't seen any facebook updates was the wifi not working where she is? She then waffled on saying she had unfriended me because her university asked her to and her job suggested facebook was not suitable etc and that she now solely used it for uni friends. I was a bit shocked because she hadn't told me and a little offended but I accepted her reasons.

After a while though I sat thinking about her excuse and something did not seem right so I went onto facebook and looked at her page which she is showing publically. And in true FB style it told me we have mutual friends - ALL of whom are family and some are even ex-partners of family.

I got annoyed and called her on the lie, and to cut a long story short I no longer trust her. I have told her that access to my home is now over and that I do not want her around my kids after all I have to be able to trust someone to allow them around my kids.

She moaned to her mum - understandably - who has had a go at me for upsetting her daughter!

Cue family feud.

A lie is a lie? All social niceties are out then! No 'I'm sorry I'm really busy this week' just 'I can't face an evening of you going on about the wonders of Aloe Vera.' No 'how are you, sorry I can't stop. I have to pick the DC up,' just 'I've got too much to do as it is without wasting 10 minutes hearing about your bowel movements.'

I think British society would collapse if we all had to start being blunt and honest with each other. We are are socially conditioned to tell small lies, otherwise we shall become what we truly fear.... European .

White lie. You have massively over-reacted and made yourself look a bit stupid; furthermore, she can now justify not being fb friends with you - who would want to be fb friends with someone who makes this sort of fuss? It is quite ridiculous.

Seriously,get therapy.You have had a massive over-reaction,keep up that extreme level of projection and you are going to cause major problems for your children in the years ahead.

Totally irrational to sever their family ties because a presumably young relative fibbed to their aunt as to why they didn't want her on Facebook.

Ridiculous.What are you going to do when...and it is when,not if ....your own children fib to you?Cut them out too?

Backforthis

I haven't accepted friend request from cousin's DH because he is as boring as fuck and we have nothing in common. However, I have few FB friends, I am discerning about it all, and when he asked me I just feigned being a bit thick and not knowing how it all works. He laughed and was quite happy with that lie.

I'm sure he doesn't want to know the real reason. People tell white lies all the time.

I get that people tell lies all day long to spare the feelings of others. I can understand why the OP is upset because of the casual nature of the lie. What is the point of lying about something on Facebook when you can obviously and so easily be caught out? If the niece can so blatantly tell lies about Facebook, what else has she lied about?

God, I would hate my nieces and nephews felt they were under scrutiny for anything like this from me. I only have a couple of them on my FB, if they disappeared as friends, I would just think 'fair enough, their choice'. I certainly wouldn't be having a meltdown about it. My DC's love their cousins and it would not affect anything whatsoever.

OP's DN told a white lie because she was pushed into a corner and had to come up with something non hurtful to placate her pushy aunt. It sounds like a kind white lie to me.

Christ on a bike ! I'd of deleted you too
That is a weird reaction to have actually !

I think asking her in the first place why you couldn't see her stuff was rude, tbh. Complete over-reaction with the 'you're barred' bit too. Was the previous history with her - I suspect not, in which case you are being even more unreasonable!

This is sounding like an updated version of Cold Comfort Farm!

^^This with bells on! Judith Starkadder lives!

I don't think you overreacted because, ignoring the fact it's FB, she lied to you. Perhaps it's because you backed her into a corner, but what reason would she have to lie, especially about something like unfriending you on FB.

So now it's not only the lie, it's wondering what she doesn't want you to see. I'd be suspicious of someone that lies to me so easily and doesn't want me seeing what they're doing. I would have trouble trusting that that person was responsible enough to be left with my children and what sort of example they were setting.

I wouldn't have a family feud about it, but I would have a face-to-face conversation about what's going on and what was the real reason for the lie. I would let her know that when she's ready to tell you the truth of what's going on, she knows where you are. If FB really doesn't matter, then there was no need to unfriend you, and no need to lie about it.

Honestly, people like you shouldn't be allowed on social media .

What reason should she have given then? "I don't like you" or "I find you strange" or what?

The DN is ... from what the OP says... a young girl who probably doesn't want her aunt nosing at what she is posting. That is normal.

I'm afraid that I also think you need to get a grip. This is the stuff Jeremy Kyle shows are made of.

Do you know what - I lie all the time - inconsequential things that are my business. I could give loads of examples - my mum asking if I'm ok that I look a bit tired - I tell her no I'm grand, I couldn't be arsed saying that I'm worried about money, kids education, her health, my health. My friend asks me if I fancy going out one night - I'm not in the mood/skint, I tell her the kids have to do something else, my husband might have to work late. I honestly could go on, the fact that these every day lies conceal a deeper secret or that those lies are a slippery slope to a big conspiracy is laughable and the fact that someone would feel I need to explain these lies in order to be trusted with their kids etc is a sign of their own self importance and insecurity.

Yes, Jeremy Kyle tears his hair out when there is this sort of drama about FB. not that I watch JK of course

Good lord, are you seriously going to prevent your DCs having any relationship with their cousin because she told a white lie about un-friending you on Facebook? Seriously? That is totally crazy and I feel for your DCs. Please get some perspective - she is a young adult who either doesn't want y seeing what she's getting up to and reporting it back to her parents or doesn't want to see what you post. Get over it and treat your children with some respect, they don't deserve to lose their cousin and the rest of that side of the family too.

The same thing happened to me a few years ago. My nephew pretended that his university has asked all students to delete family members. He not only unfriended me but blocked me! - I found out a couple of years later via my daughter that he felt I'd made an inappropriate comment about one of his FB posts at a family lunch. Fair enough; maybe I did. He was in his early twenties and maybe he could have been blunt but he thought he was being polite and sparing my feelings with a white lie. We're great friends off FB but not on FB. We're different generations! I'm afraid that YABU and should, as a mature adult, take the higher ground here. It's really not a big deal. I would reconnect with your niece, apologise and try to laugh off your overreaction.

Obviously you have commented or posted something that your niece has found offensive and she does not wish to see/read similar again.

There must have been something you did to warrant being taken off her FB page. Did you have an argument with her on there, disagree about something, express disapproval, complain about number of photos, try and friend request her uni friends, do you post things she may not like or want to be associated with, etc. There are dozens of reasons she may have UF you. The way to find out was to be diplomatic, not tell her she was banned from your house. Do you think your OTT reaction may be a tiny clue as to why she removed you?

omg, YABVU.
I have a FB stalker who comments weirdly on everything I write. She's harmless & vulnerable family but grates.
So I put her in one of the sub friend categories, same for my teen DC just so I can moan about teenagers sometimes or not cringe at stalker's replies.
Perhaps you were in a sub-category, OP.
I could not care less what category ppl put me in or whether they unfriend me.

An acquaintance of mine de-friended me and blocked me on FB. I asked her about it and she denied it, lied to my face. I now have nothing to do with her. I do not need liars in my life. She was all 'Oh hello, how are you' and fake enthusiasm all over me to my face, yet lied about blocking me on FB, a process, not something that can be done accidentally.

A family member I was close enough to to ring on their birthday though would be a different matter. She didn't block you, she just de-friended you. She told a white lie so as not to hurt you. YABU! You have definately over reacted!