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Original poster

Have I overeacted?

208 replies

heartmoonshadow · 19/07/2015 17:23

Last week phoned niece who is working abroad to say happy birthday. In conversation mentioned to her that I hadn't seen any facebook updates was the wifi not working where she is? She then waffled on saying she had unfriended me because her university asked her to and her job suggested facebook was not suitable etc and that she now solely used it for uni friends. I was a bit shocked because she hadn't told me and a little offended but I accepted her reasons.

After a while though I sat thinking about her excuse and something did not seem right so I went onto facebook and looked at her page which she is showing publically. And in true FB style it told me we have mutual friends - ALL of whom are family and some are even ex-partners of family.

I got annoyed and called her on the lie, and to cut a long story short I no longer trust her. I have told her that access to my home is now over and that I do not want her around my kids after all I have to be able to trust someone to allow them around my kids.

She moaned to her mum - understandably - who has had a go at me for upsetting her daughter!

Cue family feud.

OP posts:
Morloth · 19/07/2015 22:42

I suppose mad aunties need to begin somewhere.

Stay no contact, it will be easier for her.

I have a mad aunty. I see her at extended family gatherings, nod and smile at her a lot. Only way not to get pulled into the drama.

ElkTheory · 19/07/2015 22:45

Yes, of course you're just trying to protect your kids. Hmm And they won't be hurt at all if you cut your niece out of their lives. You know, the person they were missing because she's away.

You have obviously overreacted. Say sorry and move on.

CrapBag · 19/07/2015 22:46

I sometimes have a cull and anyone that I don't really interact with goes. FB is for the people I want to keep I regular touch with, who use it themselves. My cousin has added me but as I barely ever see or speak to her I haven't accepted it. What's the point.

It's her FB and up to her who she has on it. You have massively overreacted with the trust thing. I have another cousin who just lies about everything and she caused a huge family rift over her lies and my wedding. I won't have anything to do with her but this was far more than a white lie about FB.

Roussette · 19/07/2015 23:07

For god's sake woman... don't tell me you confronted hr again this afternoon and asked her specifically why she had deleted you... poor girl, she is trying to brush over it so as not to hurt your feelings. She sounds lovely. You don't.

Are you saying that everyone in your family have to be blunt and speak their minds, whatever their character, however shy they are, however old they are - some people don't want to hurt other people's feelings, much like I imagine your DN.

Your niece probably feels so awkward that her aunt will just not drop the FB thing.

What this has to do with your DC, in the name of all that is holy, I have no idea. You keep banging on about trust and lies. I cannot for the life of me understand what you want her to say. Do you want her to tell you she can't stand you and that's why she unfriended you? She is a young girl, like the age possibly of one of my DDs. Cut her a bit of slack for god's sake, you are sounding worse by the miute, and also leave your DCs out of this. They miss their aunt, you said as much, and yet you are prepared to use them in this pathetic argument you are trying to engineer.

gamerchick · 19/07/2015 23:07

I don't believe you when you say you barely use it.

You're being far too intense over a very very small thing. Maybe you need to rethink this blunt always be honest thing before it damages your kids and people avoid you like the plague. Those who tell it how it is are very irritating to be around.

Roussette · 19/07/2015 23:10

If you used FB once a month, you really wouldn't care a fig if she defriended you. You probably wouldn't even notice.

GatoradeMeBitch · 19/07/2015 23:17

Thanks ShadowFire and Old Trout that is very helpful to know. (May save me having to upset some of my family actually!)

UrethraFranklin1 · 19/07/2015 23:18

I also don't believe that OP honestly thought she might have missed updates because nieces wi-fi wasn't working...she knew she'd been bumped and was fishing. And lying!

Metacentric · 19/07/2015 23:18

you're a slighted woman who is using children as a tool to teach your niece et al a lesson.

It's not entirely clear what lesson, either. "Thank fuck I don't have to deal with my unhinged aunt any more" is hardly a threat.

Apatite1 · 19/07/2015 23:22

You have a pathological fear of lies, even white ones.

Get some counselling. Your reaction is far, far beyond normal.

Please don't screw up your children with your own issues.

FatSwan · 19/07/2015 23:22

If you barely use it, why do you care if she deleted you?

youareallbonkers · 19/07/2015 23:24

What's wrong with you op?

Roussette · 19/07/2015 23:27

This from you. Problem I now have is do I believe her, would you?

Please drop it. Stop putting her through anything else. You have confronted her three times about this FB thing, I feel really really sorry for her.

Pumpkinpositive · 19/07/2015 23:34

If you barely interact with your niece on FB, maybe that's why she deleted you? Maybe she wanted a cull and choose to keep only those as friends with whom she has a lot of interaction?

In any case, how old is this poor girl? Is she a teenager?

I do hope you're not projecting all this angst about trust and damaging your children onto a teenage girl over something so petty and inconsequential. Sad

saoirse31 · 19/07/2015 23:59

I think you risk damaging your kids by the way you over react to minor things much more than your niece s actions would damage them.

You should also consider that the whole 'I can't lie, I'm blunt, I have to say what I think' persona is frequently an excuse for someone to be feel they can be as nasty as they like without consequences as 'I'm only saying it as I see it'. not a nice attribute.

sisterofmercy · 20/07/2015 19:39

If there are things in your past which have caused such trauma that any reminder of them cause you to act so strongly instead of talking it out then I think you should get some help. You don't want to risk this affecting the kids.

You shouldn't be letting your past rule you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/07/2015 19:50

Heartmoonshadow - I assume you have told your children that Father Christmas, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy are all lies too - since you are so opposed to even the tiniest of lies.

whois · 20/07/2015 20:35

I very much agree with this:

I'm not sure you're entirely being honest with yourself; i think it hurts that she deleted you and that's why you're reacting so strongly, but you're clinging to the 'lie' reason because that's more of an 'acceptable' thing to be angry about than rejection.

Groovee · 20/07/2015 20:53

OP if you told my child that she was banned from seeing her cousins in the way you did on her birthday, I would possibly have words with you too. What will you do if your SIL decides to go no contact with you?

Try not to be blunt, it often comes across as rudeness.

BorderWrangler · 20/07/2015 21:50

OP, unless you're 14 then falling out over the white lies that grease our civilised society is not the done thing. It just makes you look like a bit of a lunatic. Try not to be a lunatic.

1Morewineplease · 20/07/2015 21:56

YABVU!!!!!

Bonkers in fact!!!

This thread really sums up why I don't use FB. I've heard and read so much shit about it in recent years.... Life is far too short to be arsed with crap like this!!!! I'm beginning to think that some folk believe that they merely exist during the the day but actually live through that damned website at all other times!!!

Gabilan · 20/07/2015 22:28

"I do not want my kids feelings hurt like mine hence don't want to see her."

So rather than some perceived potential future slight, you hurt them now by not allowing them to see their cousin? Have you thought about what you're teaching them by the example you're setting? How do you think they will deal with conflict in future? How are they going to maintain relationships and friendships if they are so demanding and see everything in such black and white terms?

This really isn't healthy. 15 years ago we kept our friendship groups separate and aunts and uncles never knew about our drunken nights out. Now FB can seem like it's forcing us to bring these disparate groups together. All your niece is doing is trying to get a bit of separation.

You upbraided her on her birthday for something very trivial. Is it just me or is anyone else wondering why the niece decided to work abroad?

FryOneFatManic · 20/07/2015 22:39

OP, there is a place for white lies; they help to keep things going smoothly when the truth would hurt someone's feelings.

Hurting other people's feelings is something we are all encouraged to avoid, hence little white lies, sometimes also called being tactful.

Anyone who thinks it's a good idea to be 100% blunt is likely to be hurtful to others, and may in time find themselves being avoided by other people. I would certainly avoid someone like you.

And sooner or later your DCs WILL lie to you. As they become adults, they'll want to keep some things from their parents, which is totally normal and a natural part of becoming an independent person.

Your niece didn't want you to see her stuff, and she tried to spare your feelings, not hurt you. You say you don't want your DCs feelings to be hurt; I think your bluntness is likely to be more hurtful to them than your niece's actions could be.

maskingtherealme · 20/07/2015 22:41

heartmoonshadow I am going to be flamed by our 'wonderful, non-judgemental and sympathetic' MN community here, but I am going to say I can actually see where you are coming from.

IMO, a lot of people on MN hate FB with the passions. Any posts about FB will get flamed - regardless. So many people haven't actually moved with the times as far as FB goes and fail to see the significance in some people's lives because they themselves see it as a 'lighthearted fun thing to do'. Because some people hate FB and have light-hearted views about FB, apparently so should everyone else. Also, a lot of MNetters fail to realise the person they are talking to on MN because typed messages do not reveal the real person that we are. For all we know, we could be talking to someone with low self esteem, confidence issues, mental health and then you get unhelpful people who tell you 'you need to seek help' I am not for one moment suggesting that you have any of these issues, just that unfortunately there ar people who use MN to flame others because they themselves may have 'issues' they cannot deal with in RL so vent off on a forum.

Now to my point.

Being 'friends' with someone on FB IS a big deal to some people. It is a status of 'BEING FRIENDS' as it suggests. To unfriend someone, especially a family member when all other family members are still friends, is actually saying (to me anyways) that I do not value you as a friend, relative, person whatever as much as the others so I am going to unfriend you so that you do not get to see my life and be part of it in the same way as the others do.
It seems your niece has other reasons she is too cowardly to admit to, for unfriending you. I too would be upset if my niece unfriended me and kept all other relatives on their FB. HOWEVER, I would also be trying to seek why that would be the case. She obviously has a problem with you. You coud pursue the matter and seek the truth, but you will probably not get it or not like what she says.

My advice to you is move on. Leave her to her life and FB, do not make a big deal about it and back off from her. Let her come to you. You have every right not to trust her. I have trust issues too. Anyone who lies to me or does things in secret and purposely tries to keep the news from me, is kept at arms length. I hate being used by people and by those who are '2-faced'.

BUT for the record, I think yes, you have over-reacted by telling her not to contact you and to stay away from your children. She obviously wants to put some distance between you and I would say give her what she wants. Being a teenager, like everyone says, she may not want you to find out about certain aspects of her life, especially if you are (not saying you are) the type to talk about it so publically and embarrass her. She could, however, just simply restricted your access or made her posts custom only (as I do).

I think by posting 'Have I over-reacted?' you already knew you did, you just needed confirmation. I am so sorry you have received such a horrid flaming from it. It is easy for some people to be nasty when they sit behind a computer, laptop, tablet or phone screen. Chances are, a lot of people wouldn't say what they typed if they met you face to face.

So in summary, (I waffle a lot!), let it go. Leave your niece to her own devices. You have every right to be hurt and upset. But don't restrict her access to your children because of your trust issues. In a few years, she may grow up and realise what a wonderful aunty she has!

Lucked · 20/07/2015 22:49

Let it lie.

It doesn't matter what her excuse is. It may be that her philosophy is different to yours and she won't tell you what she really thinks because she would consider it rude and unnecessary hurtful, this would make her normal. You also need to apologise for what you said about your children it was not an acceptable reaction.

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