to insist our rules are stuck to?

[Nabuma]

Got our niece round for a sleepover. She's lovely but a handful with it. All the dc have made an almighty mess. At one stage dn sat on the floor and kicked her legs about, spreading Lego about the whole of the kitchen/diner. Not in a tantrum (she's nearly 5) but just for the sake of it. She can be a bit destructive at times. She was mildly admonished for this and stopped. But we've been coaxing her to tidy it up since lunchtime.

We took a break and went to the park and when we came back dh and I said that all dc were to tidy and whoever did got an icecream after tea. She has refused to tidy. So our dc have had an ice-cream but she has not been allowed one. She's now sobbing in the next room. I feel bad as she is not so used to hard and fast rules at home but dh has put his foot down. Awbu?

Yanbu. And quite frankly if it was me, they wouldn't have gone to the park before tidying. I think you have already been very soft.

Yes YWU. I get your rules. And we have similar rules in our house. But this isn't her fault, it's her parents' fault. So I don't think she should be punished.

Nope sounds fine, you have been perfectly fair let her cry.

I'm sure she is made to follow rules at school that aren't in place at home.

YANBU

YANBU

Jemima So when she goes to school and the rules there are that you tidy up/ wait your turn/ don't bite the other children etc and she doesn't do that because her parents don't enforce such standards at home, she won't have to fit in with that either? Of course she should have been encouraged to participate in tidying up a mess she had made, and of course she would have been rewarded afterwards gad she done so (as were the other children). Maybe next time she will do as she has been asked..?

YANBU - all the children were treated the same. It would have undermined you with your own children had you let DN get away with not tidying up.

Maybe she could tidy away some other toys or help with another job to "earn" her ice cream?

Yanbu. It's harsh but she's going to have to learn that she won't always get her own way.

I think denying a 4 year old guest an ice cream when the other kids are all having one is really harsh. I would try to engineer a way for her to 'earn' it back.

YABU give her a bloody ice cream.

Nope, I'd do the same thing. She's four, she's old enough to put some lego in a box.

YANBU.
She is old enough to tidy up. And old enough to do what she is told. And more than old enough to learn that bad behaviour doesn't get a reward.

YANBU at all ... But it's not her fault that she hasn't been taught how to behave in other peoples' homes... Like others have suggested, let her try to earn an ice cream if poss.

YANBU. Sad for her that she hasn't been taught to obey normal house rules but them's the breaks - she can't behave like that and get away with it.

She was given a choice and she decided not to take part in the tidying up, and therefore sacrificed her right to an ice-cream. That's perfectly clear and reasonable, even for a four year old.

Don't give in to her paddy or you're just reinforcing bad behaviour, and teaching your children that what you say does not go.

Your house, your rules.

I think YANBU. Everyone was asked to tidy, the rest did, she didn't. They got ice cream she didn't. She will presumably be at school? I teach P1's, 25 of them. If I ask the class to tidy and some don't then they don't get reward stars for their groups. It's called following instruction.

I can understand that you have your rules and that your own DC are used to the rules being adhered to, but your 4 year old niece has not been able to gradually acclimatise to those rules over the 4 years of her life. Her parents haven't taught her them, for whatever reason (maybe they have different priorities, maybe even no priorities at all), so your niece has been thrown in the deep end, so to speak. Albeit that it is their reward for correct behavior (her 'punishment' for non compliance with the rules), she has just watched all the rest of the children in the house have a treat, she's probably feeling a bit rejected, maybe even a little alienated ... and soon she is going to go to bed, for a sleepover!

She's 4! I anticipate that there may well not be another sleepover any time soon!

So yes, despite the fact that I admire your rules and even your ability to stick to them, I do think YABU (and not really very empathetic).

You can't really back down now, I think that would be even worse than doing it in the first place. Perhaps ... if you feel inclined ... you could 'engineer' a set of circumstances, where she can get it right and be drawn 'back into the fold' before bedtime.

I'd help her earn an ice cream.

I wonder what all those anticipate happening at school if OP's DN acts this way? Do you all expect the teacher to reward her for failing to follow an instruction that the rest of the class carry out? The OP has other children at home who all tidied up. What would it teach the other children to see Op's DN getting rewarded for not helping tidy? It would teach them they get rewarded for not following rules. OP I still think you did the right thing. OP has also never said DN's parents have never taught her rules to tidy up after using toys etc. That statement was a complete assumption.

I have a nephew who also gets no discipline at home. YANBU. Years of parties, playdates and sleepovers loom ahead, and she needs to know right now that you mean what you say. Your own dc will get used to seeing her rewarded by her parents for doing the wrong thing, and for the sake of your dc you should not be another person who rewards her poor choices.

YANBU, but I'd also give her a chance to redeem herself now that she has the message that you were serious about it.