to insist our rules are stuck to?

[Nabuma]

Got our niece round for a sleepover. She's lovely but a handful with it. All the dc have made an almighty mess. At one stage dn sat on the floor and kicked her legs about, spreading Lego about the whole of the kitchen/diner. Not in a tantrum (she's nearly 5) but just for the sake of it. She can be a bit destructive at times. She was mildly admonished for this and stopped. But we've been coaxing her to tidy it up since lunchtime.

We took a break and went to the park and when we came back dh and I said that all dc were to tidy and whoever did got an icecream after tea. She has refused to tidy. So our dc have had an ice-cream but she has not been allowed one. She's now sobbing in the next room. I feel bad as she is not so used to hard and fast rules at home but dh has put his foot down. Awbu?

Nabuma, you only seem to like what you want to hear. Why bother asking? I don't know where the emotive language in my post was. I said at the beginning you set yourself up offering the ice-cream as a reward/no ice-cream if you don't comply as a punishment. In other words you got it wrong from the get-go so shouldn't have done it; that's my advice. I'm a mother of teens, learn to pick your battles. Did you achieve what you set out to do? No. You ended up with a little girl crying in her bedroom while your two ate ice-cream, all for your bloody rules. Not a success by any stretch of the imagination.

If you don't like her behaviour and have trouble dealing with it why look after her for the week? A week is far too long for a 4 year old in my book anyway. She's not going to be perfect every minute. You sound very regimented and rule orientated - just like my boring aunties. It's the summer holidays, you've got your niece over so why not sod the rules a bit - go on live a little. Would it really have harmed to have picked the bloody lego up yourself? Or your DH? Why set up a battle when she's visiting. Not your job to teach her. Personally I'd have kept it fun to avoid some meltdowns as she's away from home and it makes life easier all round. If you can't handle her don't have her over. But go on convincing yourself you're a great aunty. A little girl crying in her room is not a success even if she recovered afterwards.

With tact and foresight the whole thing could have - and should have -been avoided by the adult.

A child may or may not do tidying as well as you'd like. Lessons for life are OK when they are being meted out in the child's home - there's just no need for them when she's on a sleepover. It was mishandled to leave a visiting child in tears while the host children got their ice-cream. She's only four. Life has plenty of opportunity to leave her without ice-cream without screwing up this sleepover.

YOu did the right thing. YOur house your rules. If your DC have to tidy away then so should the DN. I would take her home tomorrow.

It wasn't mishandled. The child didn't do as she was asked. The tears show that she has learned something - namely that OP is no pushover and means what she says.

Job well done.

What a load of tosh. The OP has HELPED the child. She has taught her an invaluable lesson. Much easier to learn the rules at this age than go through years of getting what she wants then have to face the stark reality of real life. Anyone who says otherwise are doing their children a disservice.

By the way, I would not have picked up the Lego myself. My kids knew that if they didn't do the job themselves then I would sweep the stuff into a bin bag and throw it out.

Yabu. She is a guest in your home and she's not yet 5. By all means tell her how she needs to behave, but I don't think you can punish her.

annie whoa, where has that come from?! She's not round for a week nowhere has that been said! And I have taken quite a lot on board actually. I have no where said I am a great auntie, I said I wanted to be. I was actually asking, quite humbly and kindly for your advice because you shared you experience with your aunts and seemed to have something.balanced and sensible to say on it all. Instead you have responded with a vehemence and attitude that suggests you're not quite right, emotionally. May I suggest you go back and read everything I've written? Seeing as you seem so invested in my niece's well being?!

Bit OTT Topseyt, no? Extremism in anything isn't any good.

Actually, fuck this I'm off to have an icecream

annielouise

It's very weird that you define 'a great aunt' as one that basically let you do what you want, let you have fun, blablabla. Everyone who had rules is defined as 'boring'. Bollocks.

Most of my uncles and aunts (bar one uncle) had rules - probably much more stringent rules than your 'boring' aunties. I do not favor that one carefree uncle to the others at all. It would be childish to do so.

Giving a kid what they want gives you freakin' easy points. Giving them a lesson for life (you earn what you want, it's not given to you just like that) can be hard, but is much better for the kid in the long run.

annielouise you don't half talk emotive crap. Helping guide a child instead of pandering is a very caring thing to do and a gift for their long term wellbeing.

Ha ha, annie you're lecturing on being extreme after posting that highly strung mess earlier?!

Nabuma, you said she's been there days. How am I supposed to know how long she's there?

Oh shut up with the vehemence etc. Whoa, I'm not quite right emotionally now? Right . And you think you're the stable one making a kid cry that isn't even yours? You achieved nothing but upsetting a child. Well done you.

You are not being unreasonable. I like ThroughThickAndThin01 's idea to try to help your niece earn an ice-cream by giving her a second chance to do a chore. Next time, no second chances, though.

I'm off. Bit by bit Nabuma, you really don't sound very nice at all. Good luck to your niece and your kids if this is your style of parenting.

annielouise you sound a bit deranged.

Ok, and this is where mn gets too much. I have taken stuff on board annie multiple posts of mine state that. Good luck, in general with your life.

Nabuma...it's fine to feel bad because she was crying....it means you care...it doesn't mean you didn't do the right thing.

Oh, I forgot: thanks to all of you who gave constructive advice even if it was to say iwbu

Not extreme at all, Annie. You sound like an idiot.

It's a method of parenting that has served me well.

You did exactly what I would want anyone looking after my child to do. Yes inparents a perfect world we don't use food as a reward, but I think the majority of us do at some point!

We're experimenting with a rainbow, Sun, rain cloud behaviour chart at the moment. If you're on the rain cloud you get no screen time, and no nice treats. Sunshine means life is normal, rainbow you get to pick something fun (watering the garden with the hose is the favorite). My cousin does the same for her kids and we both have name tags for all our kids so when at each other's houses we can use the same system, it has made a really big difference as previously their visits used to be a bit overwrought as all kids were giddy and excited, but they seem to know where they stand better now.

Enjoy your ice cream!

I find it quite shocking that a number of posters don't think that family should be able to discipline a child in their care.

It would be different if the little girl in question was a friend of one of the op's children but she's not, she's family.

dancing thanks for asking (and politely too as some posts have been really a bit much! ) but I'm kind of done with this thread now. To be honest, I didn't set out with any concrete goals to teach my niece a lesson, I just treated my niece as I would my own children. It wasn't a conscious decision at all.