to insist our rules are stuck to?

[Nabuma]

Got our niece round for a sleepover. She's lovely but a handful with it. All the dc have made an almighty mess. At one stage dn sat on the floor and kicked her legs about, spreading Lego about the whole of the kitchen/diner. Not in a tantrum (she's nearly 5) but just for the sake of it. She can be a bit destructive at times. She was mildly admonished for this and stopped. But we've been coaxing her to tidy it up since lunchtime.

We took a break and went to the park and when we came back dh and I said that all dc were to tidy and whoever did got an icecream after tea. She has refused to tidy. So our dc have had an ice-cream but she has not been allowed one. She's now sobbing in the next room. I feel bad as she is not so used to hard and fast rules at home but dh has put his foot down. Awbu?

Is it you place to teach her a lesson though?

She is not your daughter.

With regards to earning it back I'm in two minds about it. She has been reminded about tidying up etc since lunchtime. I don't think it's necessary to engineer a non-existent opportunity to earn an icecream when ample opportunities have been provided to behave? She went through a long stage at home of pissing/shitting in random places as part of power play despite being dry/clean at pre school. I think this is an extension of this...? Testing boundaries? I really don't know, perhaps I shouldn't speculate on that.

Have her parents asked to to step in and sort her behaviour out?

No, but she's my niece and I care about her usual I also care that my children are treated fairly and consistently.

And when she's at school she's not the teachers' daughter either usual. I don't let other people's kids run riot at my house - why should they?

YANBU.

She will have learnt a very valuable lesson. She was told what was expected of her, she chose not to do it, so she doesn't get the reward.

Because if I found out my relatives were trying to sort my kids behaviour out because they thought I was a crap parent. They wouldn't be any more sleepovers.

Sounds like you definitely did the right thing! I think it is one thing to deny an ice cream to a two year old under such circumstances but very different with a four year old who is about to start school and needs to learn that there are different rules in different places.

There*

Nope, but they did stress when they left her that she was to behave. I was actually explicitly told to make sure.she said.please, thankyou, out her plate in the sink, asked before leaving the table etc etc. Am I overstepping the mark by putting the same rules in place for all of the children? Genuine question. We're family, sil/bil know our rules and parenting style.

I don't think yabu. Just help her earn it back.

usual and what would do think about Teachers "sorting out behaviour" that has been caused with parents not instillingrules or boundaries? You aren't one of those parents are you that doesn't like being told your child has misbehaved are you?

"Her parents do discipline her at home to a degree but often things aren't followed through and she often uses tears to manipulate a situation"

Which is the only sensible response under the circs. Parents like this make me quite cross as they are doing their precious little snowflakes a terrible disservice.

nabuma YANBU. You are treating every child fairly and not overstepping the mark.

My two year old earned her icecream. My youngest is actually very challenging which is in part why some of our rules have to be enforced consistently. She is the youngest of three so I don't have time for buggering about. Dn is a pfb and sil/bil are perhaps more patient than us.

School is entirely different to home. The OP is not the parent.

Bitter, sadly there are far too many of "those parents" who think their children's teacher shouldn't be telling of their precious darlings as that's their job .

They're not making her follow the rules because they think her parents are crap, they're making her follow their rules at their house which is fair enough.

Some of my friends' kids take the piss big time with their parents but when they're at my house they follow my rules - or they don't come back. Not fair on my kids to have to tidy their toys while their friends just watch and then all get a treat!

Sorry I kissed some messages and am behind a bit. Bambini My dc at home today are 5 (just turned) and 2. Dn is 4 soon to be 5. Currently dc are all happy as we've been chatting about our exciting plans for tomorrow.

She is charge while DN is at her house usual, if the parents don't like it they could stop sending her. Guessing they won't though!

*missed

Presumably the ice cream moment has passes now if she's playing happily with her cousins.

I have a strong memory of being away with friends who disciplined my son by not letting him have pudding because he didn't abide by their rules. I was fucking furious and our relationship has dwindled because of it.

That was a bit random aNd little to do with your situation OP. I'd just leave it if I were you.

If I was your sibling I'd be furious at you both for using food as a reward and for withholding food everyone else was enjoying from my child.

I don't think this is promoting the sort of relationship with food I would want for my four year old.

I also think four is very young to be away from parents sleeping over and some bad/stressed behaviour is fairly likely. I would be distracting/bolstering a little child in these circumstances - not increasing their distress.

I get the importance of rules and consequences but it should never involve cruelty and all your own children getting an ice cream and your DN not is to me a tad bit cruel. How would you feel if the boot were on the other foot.
The chances are you DN will remember this incident for a long long time.
Things like that happened to me as a child and I have never forget. I'm now 39

Ywnbu