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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to insist our rules are stuck to?

197 replies

Nabuma · 19/07/2015 17:15

Got our niece round for a sleepover. She's lovely but a handful with it. All the dc have made an almighty mess. At one stage dn sat on the floor and kicked her legs about, spreading Lego about the whole of the kitchen/diner. Not in a tantrum (she's nearly 5) but just for the sake of it. She can be a bit destructive at times. She was mildly admonished for this and stopped. But we've been coaxing her to tidy it up since lunchtime.

We took a break and went to the park and when we came back dh and I said that all dc were to tidy and whoever did got an icecream after tea. She has refused to tidy. So our dc have had an ice-cream but she has not been allowed one. She's now sobbing in the next room. I feel bad as she is not so used to hard and fast rules at home but dh has put his foot down. Awbu?

OP posts:

Original poster

Nabuma · 19/07/2015 20:06

potato I did try and make a game of it, several times, in fact. DD and I were throwing it in the box. I also praised dd when she was doing it. Dn responded by breaking the box (cardboard). Honestly, ice cream was a desperate measure (hence not being well thought out). Does anyone think I should have just not bothered with expecting them to tidy up? Perhaps that's where I was going wrong? I was keen to have her tidy as it was such a defiant act-she was kicking and throwing the lego around the room. I don't think that's right. It's my dds belongings, it's expensive and it was going under the kitchen units. She knows that that's unacceptable and in my mind was testing boundaries. I can't afford to let that go-I would hope to have her round a lot and I can't put up with that crap everytime. Or should I?

OP posts:

SnowBells · 19/07/2015 20:12

Nabuma

Seriously, you definitely were not being unreasonable.

I don't get some of the people here on MN who think that they should be the only ones to raise their child and no one else. Well... no, no, no. What if a parent was completely stupid not following the law, and thought their children were not subject to the law either. Should everyone (including the state) let them be? There would be no juvenile detention centers anywhere if that was the case.

Obviously, this situation is not as bad. But I sometimes wonder whether it's parents with such territorial views on parenting that has contributed to this feeling of entitlement and disrespect many teachers speak of these days. As they say it takes a village to raise a child.

bonbonbonbon · 19/07/2015 20:12

YANBU, my two year old understands choices and consequences. Can't imagine a preschool-aged child not understanding the choice you offered.

I do think it's not great using food as a reward though. Better to use rewards such as stickers or a day out or something. We don't teach a connection between behavior and food in our house.

However, you've got to be consistent, otherwise they just learn how long they have to cry in order to get their way.

fattymcfatfat · 19/07/2015 20:12

You should absolutely not put up with that behaviour. I don't even tolerate throwing and kicking things from my 19 month old and she is a baby! She gets told no and removed from the situation. She also has to tidy up with us.

SnowBells · 19/07/2015 20:13

It's very worrying also that some people think a 5-year-old human can't understand things a 6-month-old dog can!!!

Original poster

Nabuma · 19/07/2015 20:14

lilac I will definitely give it a go. I must point out that dn is unfairly sounding like a brat. She's not at all-but she is very bright (bright enough to grasp the concept of rewards etc) and likes to push the limits. She's lovely but only when she decides to be. When she acts out she very deliberately makes the decision to. When she good she is golden-helpful, kind, affectionate. And startlingly intelligent.

OP posts:

CamelHump · 19/07/2015 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AddToBasket · 19/07/2015 20:21

To leave the visiting child in tears without an ice cream is to handle a situation poorly. You may have been reasonable in asking her to tidy up but you have made a mess of this - not your niece.

Some children don't tidy conscientiously or get rules quickly - that's their look out in the future. And it's the parents responsibility to set the both diaries and rules anyway.

Get over yourself and give her an ice cream. Don't be the 'teachy aunt'.

lilacblossomtime · 19/07/2015 20:21

I work in a school and most of the time a stern talking to is all that is needed for the kids who are playing up.
I dont think you won't be the fun aunt if you occasionally discipline her fairly, so long as you are nice most of the time.

CassieBearRawr · 19/07/2015 20:26

NBU in the slightest. Rules are rules in our house. Shit, I even enforce house rules on visiting pets never mind children!

Original poster

Nabuma · 19/07/2015 20:26

Well those last few posts were encouraging! Why didn't I think of that bonbon dn loves stickers! It's on my list of things to get when we go to the shops tomorrow. They are going to be special ones to keep at our house it does take a village snow I've never taken offence when my dc have been "parented" by someone else who cares for them. I think a child feels secure and loved and valuable when a network of people take the time to care about them and that includes being sometimes disciplined by others who aren't your parent. Does that make sense?! So long as it's done by someone who cares rather than just being grumpy/angry buggers.

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AkkerDemik · 19/07/2015 20:29

Get over yourself and give her an ice cream

No, don't! It might not have been the best way to do things but it did have the advantage of being, short, sharp and to the point. Giving her an ice cream now doesn't solve the problem of using food as a reward, but would teach her that you didn't mean what you say.

This seems to be a one off, so stand firm!

Original poster

Nabuma · 19/07/2015 20:31

add get over myself constructive! Shall I pop upstairs and give it to her now then?! I'd rather be a "teachy" aunt who gives a shit than someone who insults a well meaning person on an internet forum! Have you even rtft? Have you seen the concessions I've made elsewhere with my dn?!

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hiccupgirl · 19/07/2015 20:33

YANBU at all.

My DS (5) is any only child and has a tendency to push boundaries as much as possible. Of course we have more time than people with more than 1 child to deal with it. But if I'd sent him on a sleepover with his cousins and he was being a pain in the backside and refusing to help/hitting etc, I would be more than happy for him to miss out on a treat like an ice cream.

The child in question here is nearly 5 and about to start school. If she can't cope with being asked to tidy up and work as a team then she is going to find school hard going. It's also not fair on the other children if she gets a reward for being unpleasant and difficult. I'm sure she won't remember this as you being a mean aunt, but hopefully she will remember that she needs to follow your rules at your house, or she misses out on things.

CharlotteCollins · 19/07/2015 20:35

I think you did the best you could in a tricky situation. Some people don't seem to realise that 4yo tears are not the same as adult tears. It doesn't mean she's going to have horrible memories of her stay with you. She's learnt something.

Regardless of the possible issue with using food as a reward, I would try a similar scenario again soon, so she has a chance to make a better choice.

AddToBasket · 19/07/2015 20:38

Yes, I read the thread. Yes, I think she should have the ice cream tomorrow. Yes, I think you handled it poorly.

And don't post in AIBU if you don't want to hear that you are being unreasonable.

Smartiepants79 · 19/07/2015 20:40

She will have forgotten by next week.
You did exactly what I would have done.
Why should your kids have to see her getting what she wants by poor behaviour and tantrums.
Can't believe anyone believes otherwise.
She's got a bit of adjusting to do when she gets to school.
She had a choice. She chose to push you and see where it would get her.
Unless there are some kind of special needs she is perfectly capable of understanding what she was up to.

Original poster

Nabuma · 19/07/2015 20:41

There's a vast difference between being prepared to hear that you're bu and accepting someone's rudeness. Plenty of posters have said that I am and have offered constructive advice which I've taken on board. I took umbrage with your post because it was insulting, unintelligent and didn't offer anything to the debate. Hth

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Floggingmolly · 19/07/2015 20:42

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. If your 2 year old managed to do as she was asked; it definitely shouldn't have been beyond a 4 year old.
She's in your home, it's perfectly ok to treat her as you do your own kids.

cariadlet · 19/07/2015 20:43

I can't believe how precious some people are being about a sodding ice-cream. Anybody would think that the niece had been given no dinner and locked in a bedroom.

Nabuma, I think you're being a great aunt - lots of fun combined with clear boundaries and expectations.
I used to hate it when my dd was younger and MIL and FIL used to panic whenever she turned on the tears and would let her get away with anything, just to stop her crying. I have always wanted dd to behave when visiting friends or family, and would expect her to abide by the house rules.

I really can't see the problem with offering ice-cream as a treat for tidying up, or with only giving that treat to those who have earned it. I despair of people who think it's cruel not to give a cheeky 4 year old an ice-cream.
Maybe those sensitive souls should try working for the NSPCC for a couple of months, or becoming social workers. Then they'd get a sense of proportion and an understanding of what genuine child cruelty is.

AddToBasket · 19/07/2015 20:48

I wasn't insulting. There were no insults at all. I pointed out what you didn't want to hear.

That if a situation ends up with a visiting child crying because she has had no ice cream but your own children got some then YOU (not the four year old) are responsible for that. It was cack-handed to get into that situation, evn if the initial request to tidy up was in itself reasonable for your DN.

Topseyt · 19/07/2015 21:02

Addtobasket what a load of bollocks

The child had been informed how to earn the ice cream reward. She chose not to earn it, so she wasn't given it. A valuable, simple life lesson, even for a four year old

You can't expect to continue receiving you wages if you do nothing to earn them. This is a simpler and age appropriate version of the same lesson.

Smartiepants79 · 19/07/2015 21:03

I utterly disagree. The child herself got herself into the situation.
She chose to ignore a perfectly reasonable request. The consequences and rewards were clearly laid out for her.
In my experience children will behave in certain ways in certain places. Children who are very hard work at home can be Angels at school as they understand the expectations and the boundaries are enforced.
She needs to understand that no matter what happens at home, when she is in your care this is what is expected of her.
She will never understand that actions and choices have consequences if they are never enforced.

JassyRadlett · 19/07/2015 21:05

I wasn't insulting. There were no insults at all. I pointed out what you didn't want to hear.

You really were. Check the last paragraph of your post again, perhaps? And your advice was pretty rubbish, to boot.

OP has said a number of times she felt she should have acted differently, and taken advice and pointers from a number of other (constructive) posters.

There is utterly no way the situation would be improved by the niece getting an ice cream tomorrow, while OP's children don't. Which is the only way that your idea would have any link to today's events.

Original poster

Nabuma · 19/07/2015 21:08

add no direct insults I guess but I felt the tone of your message was unhelpful and rude. yes, definitely cack handed of me. I've learnt from this experience. I'm not sure about an ice cream tomorrow, it seems to be a bit of a minefield! But we have good things planned instead.

OP posts:

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