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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
StephenKatz · 16/07/2015 19:05

I'd be hurt too OP

StephenKatz · 16/07/2015 19:06

Sorry, meant to add YANBU

misskatamari · 16/07/2015 19:07

In those circumstances I would be pretty hurt as well. Your definitely not unreasonable to feel as you do

Tooooooohot · 16/07/2015 19:07

Yanbu, any chance it's a mistake? I would want to know why I was excluded.

mrschatty · 16/07/2015 19:07

Yanbu I'd be hurt. This has the impact to rock your friendship really.Flowers

Anon4Now2015 · 16/07/2015 19:08

Was A your bridesmaid when you got married?

And are B,C, and D married too?

BernardBlack · 16/07/2015 19:10

I'd be hurt. Does she know you're trying to conceive, out of curiosity?

DansonslaCapucine · 16/07/2015 19:10

I would be hurt and relieved in equal measure.

AuntyMag10 · 16/07/2015 19:11

YADNBU, I would be very hurt too being the only one left out from the group. Can you think of any reason why?

Original poster
BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 19:11

I only had my sister as bridesmaid when I got married because I didn't want 5 bridesmaids and didn't want to pick. B and C are unmarried. D is married but had no bridesmaids.

OP posts:
SEsofty · 16/07/2015 19:11

I'd be hurt but does she know you are ttc

TopCivilServant · 16/07/2015 19:12

I'd be really hurt too. Are you close enough to either of the other 3 to ask them about it without it getting back to the bride?

sausagechops101 · 16/07/2015 19:15

I think you've got to ask her. If she tells you it's because she doesn't feel you're that close anymore/ whatever at least it's out in the open before the wedding. She must know you'd have expected to be a bm considering her other choices.

TheCraicDealer · 16/07/2015 19:15

I thought as well that she might know you're trying to conceive and as such may well be heavily pregnant or newborn wrangling at the time of the wedding. But if that's the case she should have called you before asking the others and explained it to you nicely rather than potentially upset you.

My DTwinSis has just got engaged and has asked her Dfiance's four sisters and me to be bridesmaids but not our best friend of twenty years. She's known these other girls literally about ten months (only been with fella a year). Dfriend is putting a brave face on but she's absolutely gutted. Can 100% see where you're coming from. You need to ask her outright or the resentment will grow.

Looseleaf · 16/07/2015 19:16

I second topcivil's suggestion, it may help more than we can. I was all set to tell you you were unreasonable but do actually understand - though maybe it's a number thing so she just wanted that number

TidyDancer · 16/07/2015 19:16

I would be very hurt and I think the friendship would suffer for it. It seems pointed.

I know someone who deliberately excluded her sister from being a bridesmaid at her wedding because she was overweight. Sister was devastated, as her two younger sisters were asked. The relationship has not recovered. :(

Original poster
BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 19:19

She does know about TTC and I have also got an intercity house move to deal with in the 11 months remaining before the wedding. This might all have contributed to her not asking, but she hasn't said anything along those lines.

I haven't actually spoken to anyone apart from DH about this because I don't trust myself not to say something friendship-ending.

I found out yesterday via a Facebook post in which A tagged B, C and D as bridesmaids. The cherry on the cake is that on Saturday night DH and I are going for dinner with A, B, C and D and all OHs. Planned way in advance of me finding out and it's going to be so intensely awkward. I want to wimp out and claim illness.

OP posts:
ScarlettDarling · 16/07/2015 19:21

Yanbu, I'd be so hurt by this. I wonder if she's been holding onto resentment about not being your bridesmaid ever since you got married? I would be so tempted to ask either her, or one of the other friends, otherwise you're going to wonder forever.

TheCraicDealer · 16/07/2015 19:21

That's incredibly thoughtless doing it so publicly. I don't blame you for wanting to wimp out but you should probably weather it out and go. She may well address it during the evening.

BearFoxBear · 16/07/2015 19:22

OP I'm in exactly the same position and am hurt too. My friend said that she didn't think I'd want to be a bridesmaid because it's not really my thing. Er, right. And to make it worse, she's asked the one 'friend' that we all just put up with (very long story) to do a reading because she kicked up a fuss and cried. And my dh is an usher. So basically I'm going to be sitting on my own like a twat during the wedding because literally everyone else is involved - even the bridesmaid who is due 5 days after the wedding! It's affecting our friendship and I think that it always will.

All you can do is ask her or you'll never know (not that I do!)

Griphook · 16/07/2015 19:24

The friendships ruined already, so you might as well ask her why she didn't ask you

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 16/07/2015 19:27

Yanbu to feel hurt and left out. I agree with you though that you can't say anything. She might bring it up at the dinner so go!

Candlefairy101 · 16/07/2015 19:27

Sorry OP, I would be really hurt to ???? and I think if have to ask because it would eat me up inside of I didn't know, also what if it's some stupid little reason why she hasn't asked you, and like me I'd rack my brain for reasons x

TruJay · 16/07/2015 19:27

Yanbu I've been in this position before but with sil, I was really hurt
I wouldn't wimp out on the dinner though, get in there with your head held high, if she's going to be awkward then let her start it not you. You don't want her saying you're being funny with her.
It's perfectly understandable to be hurt and if she feels her descision is ok then dinner should be fine, she shouldn't be awkward with you if she believes it's all ok, if that makes sense, I can't explain what I mean Confused

Candlefairy101 · 16/07/2015 19:31

If your going to dinner with them all, I would say something before hand. Knowing me I'd blurt it out in front of everyone the second I would see them at the dinner table and embarrass everyone and myself because I would just have to know!

Are you going to make a little comment before the dinner or just leave it and carry on as if you don't mind? X