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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 28/07/2015 09:34

Wayne I think it's more to do with a friendship group of 20 years which OP obviously thought she was a close part of - spectactularly falling falling to pieces especially as OP states in her original OP seems to state they're her only friendship group, and not only that that the friendship dynamics appear to switch and change (as they do).

it can be upsetting to discover that friends of so many years standing aren't the ones you thought they were.

WayneRooneysHair · 28/07/2015 09:37

I completely understand that Fly I just personally think that the BM doesn't have to justify herself and that it doesn't warrant the insults that some posters are slinging at her and the other friends.

LilyMayViolet · 28/07/2015 09:40

I think it's one of those horrible times when you realise that you don't mean as much to someone as you thought you did and it really hurts.

I think all you can do is distance yourself for a while and see if the friendship recovers. I was in a similar situation last year, not a bridesmaid thing though and i felt very sad about it. However, our friendship is pretty much back on track. There's a little bit of tension though, I think I was upset not to be included and she sort of resented my asking about it.

LilyMayViolet · 28/07/2015 09:42

Agree though that to be completely fair the bride can choose whoever she likes so she hasn't done anything wrong as such. It'd be silly to pretend that this isn't a difficult situation for you though.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/07/2015 09:44

No she does not have to justify herself, but did need to have a talk beforehand to op, and treat her how she would want to be treated, a little respect. That did not happen, it's up to op how she deals with tge friendship, for me, I woukd now know where I stood, though not completely go NC with them, woukd most certainly distance myself. Invest less time in this group. I certainly would be busy over the wedding weekend.

LilyMayViolet · 28/07/2015 09:49

Yes, Aeroflot I agree with that. Maybe it's just that these are very difficult conversations to have.

Sadit · 28/07/2015 09:53

They've been friends for 20 years.
For no apparent reason she has all in their group of friends (even D who hit her) but op.
On a night out, when it was mentioned by one of the others in the group another of the group (not the bride) she was given dirty looks to stop her.
Her excuses and weak.
Yes she can have who she wants as BM but she has no apparent decency.
The behaviour of them all is awful and does not demonstrate how close the op thought they were.
The behaviour is cuntish hence they are cunts. Hth.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/07/2015 09:53

Yes they are, no biggie for the bride, it obviously is for op, has changed how she sees the group quite rightly. Time to do something g else, make it her friends, and don't Visit A when you are working in her town, or not as much.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/07/2015 09:54

Meant make other friends.

Ladyconstance · 28/07/2015 10:01

Great to see that you're the assertive, confident open person in this friendship group, OP. Be proud! Even though the answer and her reaction were rubbish, you've shown her that you're no pushover and you've got values about your friendships which you will speak up for. Good one! Hope the hurt goes away soon and you can focus back to what's really important for you - ttc and DH. Stupid weddings!Wink

evelynj · 28/07/2015 10:21

Sorry to hear this op but sounds like your handling it great. I'd say when you see b, c & d say what rabbit said about 'please feel free to talk about the wedding, it would be worse if you felt you couldn't discuss it in front of me.

Don't discount the others as they may feel it's weird that you've not been asked but if you can put on a brave face one of them might open up & talk about it.

The bride sounds like a right dickhead.

Original poster
BridesNayed · 28/07/2015 19:15

There really is no history of anything like this, which is part of the reason why I was so shocked and hurt.

I don't want to totally nix relations with the group based on this. I don have other friends, but these are the girls with whom I did all of my growing up and had all of my formative experiences. I think it would be a shame to throw all of that away on what was some thoughtless behaviour on A's part and perhaps oversensitivity on my part. I think I said in my OP that I'm fully aware she has the right to choose whoever she wants and that I didn't want to be the one who tried to make someone else's wedding about me.

With regard to the others, I've no idea whether they'd been instructed to keep away from wedding chat by the bride or whether they're all feeling awkward because of her (slightly odd) choice of bridal party. I suspect that will become apparent with time. I'm having dinner with D (the hitter) next week, just me and her, so it might come up then.

Since I spoke to A I'm feeling so much more relaxed just for having ripped the plaster off, so to speak. I think it's a we will see situation for the time being.

Thanks again to everyone for contributions to the thread! Now I need to think of an equally brilliant username to change to, having outdone myself with the punning quality of this one.

OP posts:
Original poster
BridesNayed · 28/07/2015 19:15

*I do have other friends

OP posts:
TheHouseOnBellSt · 28/07/2015 19:22

My very best of twenty years didn't ask me to be her matron of honour. I have no idea why. She asked her husband's ex wife who she has an up and down friendship with

I decided that it was because I'm better looking than her. Sounds shallow but that's the only reason I can think of...and I am...so maybe that's why your mate hasn't picked you?

I'm still mates with my friend and never asked her why...I won't either, it was her choice.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/07/2015 21:13

You sound very sensible and dignified, but for me it woukd alter the way I see the friendship with A. Yes it is entirely up to you how you deal with it, but I certainly would make less effort to see A, and I would concentrate on widening your circle of friends, as you might be too reliant on them, you probably need themp, more than they need you.

Dowser · 28/07/2015 22:40

Well done OP for phoning. I know you didnt get much in the way of answers but you certainly put her on the spot.

She's handled it in a very shitty manner and what's more she knows she has.

Her pathetic and lame excuse...I only wanted five bridesmaids.

Expect a big shift away from her now , as for the others I'm unsure about that. They actually may move closer if they feel upset and hurt for you . Interesting times OP.

oneowlgirl · 28/07/2015 22:46

Well done Op - as hurtful as it has been, I'd not nix the friendship either as you don't know how the others are feeling & just because A has been hurtful, doesn't mean the rest still aren't worth it. Horrible, but hopefully over time things will get better (even if they're not like they used to be with A).

SuperFlyHigh · 29/07/2015 09:13

OP - I'd just say... in my experience at least the 'high school' group of friends (and I'd known 3 of these girls since 3 and 5 years old respectively) are often the ones most likely to cave...

One girl moved schools at 11 and we're in touch now but the others... over the years well one became a single mother at 18 and was very bitter about it (I don't have children) when we were 25. the other went to uni moved up north and then we had nothing in common.

what i'm trying to say is things change sometimes in those teenage years into your 20s and beyond.

Venus Flaring and Blood Sugar by Suzannah Dunn are 2 amazing books about teenage friendship (the first is very intense) but they explore the threads and hows and whys... recommended! Smile

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 29/07/2015 10:13

There's been some focus on a bride having the choice to do what she wants and not having to explain her choices. But this isn't really about weddings and bridesmaids; it's about friendships.

The scenario could be anything where A invited B, C and D but not the OP, even though they are a (supposedly equal) friendship group of 5. And then advertised it on Facebook and apparently asked the others not to talk about it. It would hurt and make you question the friendship.

grapejuicerocks · 29/07/2015 11:58

I guess you will have to wait and see. I'd find it difficult to forgive the bride but my feelings about them others would definitely depend on why they've acted as they have and why they've not spoken to you. It will become much clearer once you've spoken to them one on one.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/07/2015 12:34

Exactly, this is no different to a night out and your the only one not invited. Friendships do change over time, people change. And you need to broaden your friendship group so your less reliant on them. Like I said, it looks like you need them more than they need you. Just asking, are you the one to make contact with them and arrange meet ups, or do they all take an equal responsibility.

MokunMokun · 29/07/2015 13:51

Do update us if there's any good gossip from D Smile

Sometimesjustonesecond · 29/07/2015 17:00

The way I would handle this would be to carefully maintain my friendships with b,c and d and only see a when the whole group is together. I wouldnt give a the satisfaction od squeezing me out of the group.

Fwiw, b, c and d are stuck between a rock and a hard place. However they acted at the dinner it would have been wrong and hurtful in some way. They haven't chosen this situation but have been dumped in it by the crass behaviour of a!

So I would have dinner with them and tell them its fine to talk about the wedding and it would be weird if they didn't. You need to break down the barriers that a is deliberately trying to put up because these are your friends as much as hers and she doesn't get to make you fade away.

But definitely give a a wide berth - she is not your friend!

wizzywig · 29/07/2015 18:29

just enjoy the wedding and dont give a pressie or card.

magoria · 29/07/2015 18:50

and dont give a pressie or card. but when asked go 'OMG I put £250 in the card where has it gone!!'

[why is there no mwahahahaha (evil laugh) smiley?]

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