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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
Spartans · 17/07/2015 06:57

Sorry my point was maybe she has assumed you wouldn't want to stop ttc and she would prefer you did because the dresses etc and she has assumed you would know this.

InexperiencedDisneyMum · 17/07/2015 07:03

It's probably because you didn't have her as your bridesmaid.

IsItStupid · 17/07/2015 07:18

YANBU to be hurt but there are a multitude of reasons she might not have asked you...

a) she thinks you will be heavily pregnant at the time of the wedding
b) she will ask you to be in a different role
c) you didn't have her as a bridesmaid
d) she doesn't want six bridesmaids and had to cut someone
e) another family member/friend/her fiancé has something against you and she found it easier not to have you as a bridesmaid than to cause a drama

You are definitely allowed to be hurt, but I personally wouldn't ask her. You can if you want to but be prepared for an awkward response!

I think that by deciding to grin and bear it you are taking the high road, and it's good that you're putting her first on her wedding day, even if it feels shit. It is her wedding andI guess she's not obligated to do anything.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 17/07/2015 07:22

I would be hurt too. But then I'm wondering if pre-dcs I would have asked someone TTC to be my bridesmaid and I'm just not sure. I wouldn't have known what to expect.

So you're either too beautiful, she's bitter about not being your bridesmaid, she's worried you'll be pregnant or have a newborn or she secretly doesn't like you (unlikely).

I think the TTC is most likely, and she may be waiting to see you face to face to talk about it (hopefully). It's possible she's had a conversation with herself or one of your friends where she's convinced herself that you would hate to be asked and it would be a real burden. In which case it won't have occurred to her to explain herself as you would be relieved not hurt.

I would talk to one of the others at the very least. I don't think many people wouldn't be hurt by such an obvious snub.

Turquoiseblue · 17/07/2015 07:23

Yanbu to be hurt

But have you spoken to her recently ? Are you sure she isn't planning on asking you, maybe in person Saturday night ? Or maybe she has another role in mind ?
Or maybe she can only have 4 groomsmen and she felt you would take it best not being a bm.
Have you ever laughed Off the notion of being a bm ? Maybe she s assuming you don't want to be one.
Either way it s thoughtless and not very nice of her to not include you or not give an explanation and you re right to be hurt, but I wonder if there s a reason and maybe it s worth speaking to her, or waiting until you see her next to give her a chance to explain before saying anything.

Chipsahoythere · 17/07/2015 07:27

This happened to me with my best friend. She had 8 bridesmaids and I couldn't figure out why I wasn't one! She kept saying I would do something in the service but she never got round to it. I was hurt, but I figured she must have her reasons and didn't say anything about it.

Fast forward 8 years and she just made me godmother to her daughter. That means much more than wearing a dress one day. I think you just have to consider she probably didn't want 6 and thought she could not have you because you didn't have her. It's hurtful but you will get past it if you want to. I wouldn't go to the meal on sat though as you'll be hurt.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/07/2015 07:37

Op has every right to be hurt, they will be talking about this at the dinner and forever more. I personally could not bite my tongue for a year 6 months, especially you have known each other for 20 years and you are all so close. If they are talking about it in front of you, it's hurtful, I woukd say something lighthearted like what about me! Where's my invite! I think it's better to be open, instead of simmering about it. Op did not ask any if them to be her bridesmaid, not ask all the friendship group but 1 and not have a chat about it. They gave been good friends for 20 years, by that time you should be able to be open to one another.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/07/2015 07:49

I can see why you're upset but I absolutely think it's TTC related and she thought it would best for you to not have to worry about potentially getting pregnant in the run-up and how this would impact on the wedding. She was also probably trying to avoid a scenario where you may have to pull out of the ceremony for pregnancy, labour or new baby reasons.

If she's a close friend I doubt very much that there's any maliciousness in her decision. She's probably made her decision with your best interests at heart but just gone about it the wrong way.

She should have spoken to you about it before the big announcement about the BMs but give her a chance to explain herself before a llowing the friendship to go to ruins.

Roussette · 17/07/2015 07:50

I would possibly pull out of the meal saying that it's going to be all bridesmaid talk anyway and it will be easiest if you aren't there.

As for reasons, it could honestly be because you will outshine her! I know of a recent wedding where someone out of a close family to the bride wasn't invited. She is stunningly beautiful and I honestly think it was because of this. Her brother, mum and dad were asked but not her. Some people are weird.

Walkacrossthesand · 17/07/2015 07:51

Just dipping in to say - the 'she's not invited you because you didn't invite her' argument doesn't wash, because D didn't invite her either & she's got an invite. I know D didn't have any bridesmaids, but that's not the point - D got married and A wasn't her bridesmaid.
It's particularly pointed because A has found space for other non-friend BMs, but still excluded you, without considering your feelings (eg with a quiet private word about TTC, newborns etc). I wouldn't be able to feel the same about her again.

Sallystyle · 17/07/2015 07:53

I would ask her.

If you are close then you should be able to talk about these things.

If it turns out it because you didn't have her as a bm then that is pathetic and would kill the friendship for me, considering you had none of them as bms.

I would want to know why she has left me out and I would approach it with her kindly and calmly and go from there. I am not one to stew on my feelings though.

BoyScout · 17/07/2015 07:58

I would go to the dinner because then you'll get an idea of what's going on. If no one mentions it, then it'll be because they've all agreed not to in front of you. If it's all wedding chat, then it's going to come up and you might found out. Or maybe she just wants to ask you face to face.

I don't think I'd ask her outright. Her answer will only be hurtful and won't change the fact she's not asked. Or she might cave in and ask you and you'll never know if it was a pity invite.

OhEmGeee · 17/07/2015 08:19

I don't see how the OP not having her as a bm can be a reason as one of the others did the same. So surely she wouldn't have both of then?

Osmiornica · 17/07/2015 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/07/2015 08:33

Good idea osmiornica. I don't think I could put myself through that. If she wanted op to be BM she woukd have told her along with everyone else. It gives the impression that she does not see op in the same way as everybody else in the group. Very hurtful, as op thought they were close.

hibbledibble · 17/07/2015 08:42

Yanbu to be hurt.

I thought maybe she didn't ask you because you are married, but then you said another bridesmaid was married.

I had a similar situation in that someone I considered my best friend didnt ask me, and had 2 non-related bridesmaids. I never spoke to her about it, and also found out via Facebook. I don't know if it was because I was married, but in that case she could have allowed dd to be flower girl. She didn't even invite dd to her wedding, which wasn't child free. I ended up not going.

whois · 17/07/2015 08:49

I bet it's the baby thing.

In 18 months you'll likely either have a newborn who will be your top priority, you'll probably be feeling shit, if you're heavily pg you won't want to be traipsing round doing BM stuff or trying on dresses and you'll generally be having to focus on you, not on the bride. Bet she thinks she has done you a favour.

I'd probably have asked you now, but talked to you about TTC and say you didn't have to do the 'on the day' stuff should you have a baby or be v pg.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/07/2015 08:59

Then she should have sat her down like a good friend of 20 years shoukd and gave a chat over coffee about it, not tag everyone who is BM on Facebook, and leave op out. How would she think op woukd feel seeing that. Op not oregnant yet, it took my 3 years to conceive ds. She çoukd always have asked you to be BM, then if you get pregnant see how you feel. My BM got pregnant after I asked her to be BM, she was 8 months pregnant on my wedding day.

WayneRooneysHair · 17/07/2015 09:05

I understand why you are hurt OP but I don't think that asking why will go down well so unless you want a row I'd consider very carefully how you ask.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/07/2015 09:10

Wayne that would confirm to op that she really isent a good friend as she thought.

somemothersdohavethem · 17/07/2015 09:13

YADNBU I'd be so hurt! I'd say something BUT not if she's had something to drink (I've just seen that you're going for dinner and assumed she'd be drinking) if be VERY honest and just say "I've seen that B, C and D are your bridesmaids and I've been left out and it's hurt my feelings" if you're calm and honest then there's little that she can say other than explain her reasons. I'm usually one for just biting my lip but if have to say something in this situation or I know I'd end up making catty and sly remarks about it later on. Be honest and open and if she goes mental or supremely huffy then maybe she's not worth having as a friend after all

Aeroflotgirl · 17/07/2015 09:14

In that case if op does not feel she can talk to her, I don't blame her one bit from distancing herself from her, she obviously us not as close to the bride as the others. She has a right to do that, it's a way of coping abd dealing with the situation. 18 months of wedding talk in this situation would get me down.

BabyGanoush · 17/07/2015 09:15

it's the baby thing.

duh

Angria · 17/07/2015 09:15

I'm surprised she didn't tell you personally and explain why.

I would think it was because you did't ask her, I know you didn't exactly to avoid this situation but friend D had no bridesmaids and the other two are not married, but you had bridesmaids and she wasn't one of them.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/07/2015 09:16

Exactly some, brides reaction will speak volumes.