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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
WayneRooneysHair · 17/07/2015 09:16

Unfortunately I think you're right Aeroflotgirl, I don't think that it's rude for the OP to ask given the situation that she has described but the bride might have good reason. What I'm trying to say is, if the OP asks the bride then I suggest the softly softly approach might be better.

BabyGanoush · 17/07/2015 09:17

I was uninvited as Maid of honour by best friend for having he audacity to get pregnant, and I'd have had a 1 month old then (who I would not be allowed to bring to the wedding).

fair enough. She was also cross I was trying to steal her thunder. I had never seen us as "competitive" sort of friends, so I am still a tiny bit hurt and confused about this accusation!

springalong · 17/07/2015 09:25

had similar - bf since uni got married for a third time. Just a few people to be invited to the registry office, rest to the party at home. Over 30 people were at the registry office and I wasn't one of them. Also no children a the wedding, except hers - fair enough so I made other arrangements for DS. Only there were over10 children there. It has affected the friendship.

OhEmGeee · 17/07/2015 09:38

We'll your friend is a twat BabyGanoush.

Even if it is the baby thing, it would be nice for the friend to tell her rather than tagging the rest of them in fb.

needmorespace · 17/07/2015 09:57

I think you are in a really difficult position and DNBU.

If you ask her, you run the risk of a pity invite and who would want that?

You'd spend forever still not knowing if she really wanted you to be her bm.
If you don't ask, it may all be glossed over and you'll just be excluded from the wedding banter - again never really knowing the reason behind it.

Either way, I can't really see how a friendship can ever be the same again.

Do you think there is a possibility that at the meal, she will ask you to be MoH or Chief Bridesmaid or something?

I attend lots of weddings (job) and see many pregnant bridesmaids btw. I never really give it a second thought tbh but wonder now if there are many brides who are seething that their bm conceived during the build up to the wedding Grin

Original poster
BridesNayed · 17/07/2015 14:02

The Facebook posts was very much "these are my bridesmaids and that's that" so I'm pretty sure I'll not be asked to be MoH.

Dinner is a 'turn up from 6 for drinks, food at 7:30' affair so I'm going t make sure to be there from 6 so she has a chance to say something if she wants before huge group situation. If she doesn't bring it up, I'll appoint myself chief child wrangler during dinner and try and avoid too much wedding chat. Then will speak to her during the week (unless I chicken out) and tell her I'm hurt.

Plan almost certainly going to go wrong.

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 17/07/2015 14:13

Yeah, I didn't get why pp's were saying "she might ask you at the meal". If she asked the others over a FB [judging so much here] why would she wait, potentially upset and and invite you in person? Doesn't make sense.

People can chat about "their day" all they want, and you've said you don't want to make her wedding all about you. Friends have a responsibility to not upset each other, to at least try and foresee that certain actions may be distressing and to combat that by acting sensitively and appropriately. I think the FB thing would be key for me, in a "Can you not see why that might upset me?" sort of way.

Feel so bad for you BridesNayed, this is a crap situation. But I'm glad you've still retained the ability to think of a cracker and very apt nickname.

BBQsAreSooooOverrated · 17/07/2015 14:13

I'd be put out too, seems off not to include you.

ThomasRichard · 17/07/2015 14:17

Your plan sounds good as long as you think you can bite your tongue all evening if she doesn't say anything.

Daisywellies · 17/07/2015 14:31

Your friend has been incredibly insensitive, not to say childish, in the way she had handled this. Even if she feels she has a good reason to not ask you to be a bridesmaid she should have spoken to you before announcing it on Facebook.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/07/2015 14:45

Good luck, I personally çoukd not bite my tongue if tge talk turned to Bridesmaids and wedding, and fawning over dresses and colour schemes. Plus if it did, how could people fail to notice yiu were not the only one asked. It is rude and disrespectful to do that where you are going to be present. Yes do have a chat about it to her, but keep it non confrontational and light hearted. Her reaction will speak volumes about how she sees you as a friend.

OhEmGeee · 17/07/2015 14:50

The talk will turn to excitement and dresses and the wedding. How can they fail to notice one person left out? I couldn't bite my tongue. You could send a PA text saying you aren't coming as you don't want to intrude on the bridal party.

I bet it's the baby thing. In which case you're best out of it if that's how she is.

I assume you haven't spoken to the rest of them?

Diryan · 17/07/2015 14:51

Your friends are probably feeling a bit awkward too - they must be wondering why you haven't been asked to be bridesmaid with them.

Daisywellies · 17/07/2015 15:00

Not only would I be making an excuse to not go to dinner, I'd be booking a holiday that unfortunately clashes with the wedding.

BarbaraManatee · 17/07/2015 15:01

I had a similar situation - When DB got married my sister was a bridesmaid, as were my foster sister's DDs. DH was an usher. I was asked to organise the entertainment for the children. My DS wasn't included. It really hurt that they should include everyone else in the family, including my DH but I was basically just staff. It was made even worse on the day when I wasn't included in any of the photos plus I was 5 weeks pregnant & already felt awful. I'd spent the day before the wedding at the reception venue setting up & spent the morning of the wedding traipsing around trying to make sure everything was ready. None of the actual bridesmaids helped with any of that prep. I'll probably always feel just a little bitter about it tbh. They hurt me! I've never actually mentioned it to them though. Their wedding day was about them, not me.

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 17/07/2015 15:12

Definitely speak to or email her today explaining how you are upset and confused. I really wouldn't bother going until you've had that conversation as you're just going to be uncomfortable all night.

YADNBU

Aeroflotgirl · 17/07/2015 15:12

How awful barbra, how gas your relationship been between you and your brother since. Have you sat him down after to tell him his you felt. Sometimes you really need to, people have to hear it, or they will keep hurting you.

RubyReins · 17/07/2015 15:21

By way of full disclosure I haven't read the full thread so apologies if things have moved on, but something similar happened to me. My best friend from uni was one of my bridesmaids but I in turn was not asked to be hers. I was a little hurt and put out so I spoke to her about it. It transpired that as I was married I was not, in the eyes of her very traditional family, eligible to be a bridesmaid and they didn't recognise the whole maid of honour thing. They had absolutely no problem with me or anything like that and her family are very lovely to me. Sorry if this isn't directly in point but maybe there is a parallel of sorts? Still sucks though and I am sorry you are feeling low about it. Thanks

Ohfourfoxache · 17/07/2015 15:26

Yanbu

How horrible Sad

maskingtherealme · 17/07/2015 15:47

It really cuts when a friend leaves you out, especially as you thought your friendship was closer than it obviously is.

A similar thing happened to me but not wedding related. A bunch of us mums hang out together. It was a child's birthday and all the other kids got invites except mine. No reason except when a friend twigged that I was hurt my child had been 'forgotten' she turned up on my doorstep with an apology and some cake. Luckily my child was too young to understand and I will admit, I was more hurt because it felt that my child wasn't good enough etc. I would understand if it was at a venue that had limits on numbers but it wasn't. It was at their home, 5 doors away. I live the closest than other friends. It certainly strained our friendship and now I see her only when she is at a gathering invited by mutual friends. We get on, but that is it.

If I was in your situation, I wouldn't ask why I was not asked to be bridesmaid. But I would make a BIG fuss of the others being a bridesmaid and congratulate them and tell them it is nice when close friends ask each other to be part of their big day and basically make the bride to be squirm. To be left out when clearly you are part of a the same friendship network is a slap in the face. Yes it is her right to ask who she wants but friends do not leave out one from such a close group. If nothing is mentioned about you not being asked, I would go on your merry way and do not contact said friends. Allow them to contact you and get on with your other friends in your life.

Actually I have been in a similar position before. In 2005 a friend asked another friend to be bridesmaid including another school friend who has never been as close. That cut. It told me that I saw my friendship with bride to be as closer than she did. I got an invite but my then boyfriend of 12 months did not. I was expected to go to a very large wedding on my own and watch friends from the same social circle (and one who was not) be in her wedding party. Ultimately I would have been alone. I declined the offer. Turned out it was an anniversary for me and boyfriend (now my husband of five years nearly!) and when I do see her out and about, she looks away sheepishly and can't bear to look me in the eye.

Sometimes times like these open our eyes to who our friends really are. Hold your head high and move on without making a big deal of it.

quietlysuggests · 17/07/2015 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 17/07/2015 21:26

Men don't seem to have this problem do they? I wonder why. (I mean friendship insecurities and misunderstandings around loyalties rather than issues with picking bridesmaids, obviously.)

chairmeoh · 17/07/2015 21:35

I wouldn't put the bride on the spot in front of others masking, that would just make everyone uncomfortable.
But a private word wouldn't be unreasonable. You'll not be able to continue a relaxed friendship otherwise.

McNally · 17/07/2015 21:41

That is really rubbish OP. As others have said, I wouldn't ask why as there really isn't any response that isn't going to make you feel crap.

I think it's good that you've found out and so it doesn't come as a horrible surprise at the dinner. How they handle things over dinner will speak volumes. If they are insensitive enough to be making a big deal about it when you are there, I'd try to stay cool then make my excuses and leave .

If you really feel that you have to say something, I'd speak to one of the others in private but with the knowledge that they'll probably tell the others so you might get to the bottom of it.

So sorry OP. That sucks. I do kind of hope that she's going to ask you to be involved when she sees you though.

LapsedTwentysomething · 17/07/2015 22:25

The TTC excuse would be ridiculous. It took us two years - imagine the double kick in the teeth of not being pregnant and yet not being allowed to by bridesmaid on the off chance that you might be. If that's her excuse she's an idiot.