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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
patienceisvirtuous · 17/07/2015 22:42

I would go with the passive aggressive route too. Yanbu.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 17/07/2015 22:45

I just don't get the need for the big public announcement of bridesmaids on Facebook; it just seems like she's deliberately setting out to hurt you. Why do people behave like that?!

Aeroflotgirl · 18/07/2015 08:22

I agree magical, quite nasty and spiteful of her. How does she think op woukd feel seeing that. Her actions have also divided a long standing friendship group. I think you never really knew her all those years. Actions speak louder than words, her actions and disrespect of you are quite evident. I personally don't think the friendship will be the same with her, I çoukd not go to the wedding and have my face rubbed in it seeing all my best friends as bridesmaid, but me. I would be hurt all over again. Why shoukd op suck it up, life is too short for rubbish. Just because your the bride, does not give you the green light to treat people especially good friends like rubbish.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 18/07/2015 08:29

What happened at the dinner last night?

OhEmGeee · 18/07/2015 09:08

Isn't the dinner tonight?

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 18/07/2015 09:28

Maybe it's because you didn't ask her? I would go to dinner. If it's awkward, it's not your fault.

I felt excluded from my sil's wedding and it redefined our relationship. I'm happy to get along but we'll never be friends. It's a shame because we've known each other decades. I went away to get married, didn't have bridesmaids but did arrange the date so she could attend.

When she got married, her DH to be invited my DH to the stag weekend and the stag night and DH and DS were ushers. I wasn't asked to be bm and wasn't invited to the hen WKD (I was away for the night out back home but probably would have been asked). She had 8 bms and I truly think I wasn't asked because I'm bigger then her friends. Truth is, I didn't ask her to me my bm and she didn't ask me so in a way I feel ridiculous for being so hurt. By her not asking me, her feelings on our relationship became clear. I thought we were on the same page, it defined that we are in different books. We are on friendly terms but aren't friends and that's fine by me.

DoesItReallyMatter · 18/07/2015 09:33

I almost always think it's U to expect to be a bridesmaid but I think yanbu to be hurt by this, I think you might be correct in it being a number of issues that meant she didn't ask you ie TTC etc. she may have been hurt that you didn't ask her to be a BM

I think your plan sounds good.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/07/2015 09:36

Marcel op dident ask any of that friendship group to be BM, not really the same thing. It's not like op had all her friends and left one out. Also other friends did not have each other as BM. I personally woukd not go, I just would put myself through that, if I did and bride started to talk about the wedding, BM dresses, flowers etc, I would not help myself self but say something there and then, life is to short to worry about brides feelings when she has stepped over yours. Her radio silence to you since tge facebook announcement speaks volumes to me. A goid fruend woukd have called you, had a chat with some explanation, this did not happen.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/07/2015 09:42

Doesn't really I disagree totally, I would agree with you usually, but in those circumstances, no. How 'friend' has treated op has been totally shoddy tbh.

CrystalCove · 18/07/2015 10:06

Of course whilst a wedding is indeed the couples day, it doesn't mean you can't be upset OP by this - you are a human being with emotions after all. Relationships can be complex and it's not as easy as saying "well you shouldnt expect to be a bm" and "don't say anything it will cause a row" type thing. Firstly it's not just you haven't been asked to be a bm - its what it means and represents when the other people in your friendship group have been. Feeling you don't mean as much as you thought and feeling left out are valid feelings and really horrible ones at that.

And I really dont understand why someone wouldn't talk to their friend over this - unless bride U.S. spectacularly thick skinned surely she must know that by leaving one person out and then inviting that person to dinner where all the talk will be wedding related is misguided at best and completely insensitive at worst! Who does that!!! Friends should be able to talk about issues - lack of communication can cause deep resentment and affect friendships forever, where being open and honest about feelings, whilst hurtful at times is healthier long term.

whois · 18/07/2015 10:12

I would go with the passive aggressive route too.

Ugh can't believe how many people have said this. You do realise passive aggressive is about the worst possible way to go about dealing with things?

ElizaPickford · 18/07/2015 10:17

So, D hit A and gets to be A's bridesmaid still? Is there some sort of mistake, has she just not had chance to ask you, OP? It's all very odd, not surprised you're gutted and confused. Sad

magoria · 18/07/2015 10:19

I don't want to throw any more hurt.

Have you had a wedding invite? If she is just organising BMs etc I don't imagine these have gone out.

You may not even get one or may get an evening only.

I couldn't go to the meal and I would be wary appointing yourself anything.

schokolade · 18/07/2015 11:19

Weird. I assume friend is usually a nice person? If so, any chance she "asked" you and the invitation went astray? Text not received, unseen Facebook message?? That's what I'd be wondering if this was my friend...

OhEmGeee · 18/07/2015 11:32

But she tagged them all on fb so there can't have been a missing message.

Leaving one person out is just not on. Especially inviting them to dinner, with the rest of them when the talk will be about the wedding. Are you still going tonight op?

AgathaChristie01 · 18/07/2015 11:34

YANBU to feel hurt by this. I think I would go along to the dinner, and play things by ear. I'm not sure I'd ask her. But, only you can judge if that is the best thing to do. If it's because you might be pregnant, that would probably make me never see the bride in the same light again, as a good friend tbh.
Best of luck with the TTC. I know the 'joys' of the tww and all the rest of it.
Whatever you decide, hold your head high, at this dinner.

Ugh, no matter what, I know it's up to her, her wedding day and all of that but, I'd never feel the same again about her.

schokolade · 18/07/2015 12:08

Agree that missing message is a bit unlikely. But not impossible. She could just think "x can't even be bothered to reply. I know, I'll do a passive aggressive Facebook post". You only have to read the thread to know this type of crap could happen Grin

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 18/07/2015 12:17

Im more shocked that the other BMs havent said anything!

We are a group of four. If one of use invited two out of three to do something the two would be like "you cant leave four out".

Cupcakemommom · 18/07/2015 13:03

You are understandably hurt and it is incredibly considerate of you to put your friends feelings first by not wanting to make the wedding about you.

Having said that, as you have been a group of five friends for so long I would expect that this is likely to impact on all four of the friendships. Until the wedding date there will be meet ups for dress shopping, fittings etc all of which you are going to be excluded from unless they expect you to come along without actually being part of the bridal party. After the wedding will be the "do you remember when..." conversations relating to the wedding preparations and it could leave you feeling continually on the outside looking in.

Could you contact your friend and explain that you are confused and upset, you don't wish to cause tension but need her to help you make sense as to why you are not included.

OhEmGeee · 18/07/2015 14:01

That's the things isn't it. It won't just affect the friendship between you and her, it'll change the whole group dynamic. Every time you meet up the talk will inevitably lead to dress shopping, fittings, flowers, make up, shoes etc.

They will be planning the hen party, which I assume you'll be invited to but the others will have a different role and will have organised it. At the wedding they will all be at front together, will get ready together, be off for photos, get thank you presents. Then afterwards they'll all talk about it. There is a huge amount of time here for this to damage the friendship purely by leaving one person out. I can't see how your friendship as a group or just the two of you will be the same.

MokunMokun · 18/07/2015 14:11

Curious if there has been any news about this.

GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 18/07/2015 14:16

I think I'd just ask if I'd done something to upset her and take it from there.

WaitingAtClockBusCanada · 18/07/2015 14:21

I don't even understand why being pregnant or having had the baby by then automatically excludes people from being a BM? Surely if you are such good friends with someone to have them as your BM then you are delighted for them to be in your photos/best day of your life whatever stage of life they are at - pg, with baby etc? How odd.

Also, what is she going to do if one of the chosen ones accidentally falls pg from now until then?

Good luck at the dinner OP.

Blueandwhitelover · 18/07/2015 16:55

I would be very hurt too and would be reevaluating the whole friendship, like someone says upthread there will be all of the pre wedding meetings between the four of them which will reinforce your feelings.
If I was brave enough (which I don't think I would be) I would have to speak to the bride to be before the meet up tonight to save myself potential hurt.
Hope you do get on ok tonight, will be waiting for an update.

Original poster
BridesNayed · 18/07/2015 17:49

Getting in car now!

I look FUCKING FABULOUS (new dress) so am feeling positive. DH ready to feign incapacitating stomach bug if it's all too awkward and I want to leave.

Wish me luck!

OP posts: